A Rose with Starry Eyes











{February 27, 2010}   visualizations
  • Think of going to the doctor’s office & seeing the weight loss on a definite, accurate scale. Having the doc comment on the weight loss, how fast it went.
  • nothing is forbidden to your diet – you can put whatever you want INTO your mouth, you just can’t SWALLOW it.
  • imagine you have a perfect, flat tummy with a midi-top & hip-bones. now imagine how heavy that food will feel in your tummy, how it would stretch out your dream skins.
  • remember that il. girl from camp who would talk about how everyone thinks it’s not a real disorder because she doesn’t look it. do you want to be like her, no will-power, no one concerned for you, no results for your suffering? you’ll suffer anyways, you might as well get results!
  • imagine what the food will look like, churning and mushed in your stomach.
  • if you told anyone that you had an eating disorder, would anyone even believe you?!
  • do you look remarkably slim, even in pics? no matter what you wear, no matter how you’re angled, are you thin? no? then you’re NOT hungry enough.
  • do your clothes drape off you? do you look like G from Prose yet?
  • Where do you live? at home? nope. WRONG! You live at the library. You live on the elliptical. Home is just a place you sleep. You couldn’t even IDENTIFY a kitchen if your life depended on it…
  • Just take it 10 pounds at a time.

interesting music that can trigger:

  • The Mideval Babes (reminds of Shiney; great to picture gypsy-dancing to.)
  • Meav (sings Irish-Celtic songs; sounds a lot like Avalon,

random  trigger thoughts:

  • priestesses of Avalon, fasting for transcendence, above the outside world & encroaching Christianity
  • the Lady of Shalott; Ophelia floating amongst the lillies
  • walking through the forest, on your own, totally free and light-footed.
  • light, beautiful soprano voice; talented at strings music
  • gypsy dancer, like Esmerelda, twirling and spinning, hypnotic
  • communing with the fey, connected to nature through empath skills
  • Anne Boleyn, exquisite dresses and a powerful ambition; a temptress with enough fire to upset hundreds of years of a monarchy’s tradition and forge a new religion to get her way.
  • Emily Bronte, fasting for inspiration, wandering the moors at night beneath a canopy of stars
  • a feisty society girl, a chic flapper, a bohemian in Paris; soft and birdlike like Mia Farrow.
  • a lithe ballerina
  • a lone girl in the library

resonating time periods:

  • 1800s frontier life
  • 1800s society
  • ancient Egypt
  • possibly Native American culture (?)
  • Victorian times? (especially the hair pinned up, the dresses; a teacher?)


{February 26, 2010}   binged last night. ashamed.

I binged last night. I need support. I had a really bad binge last night. I was doing the best I’ve done in years, and now it’s ALL GONE. I’m too ashamed to even say what I ate….

I am SO ashamed. I was doing SO well, better than I’ve done in a while, and then I just LOST it. I’m not even going to TALK about what I ate because it’s so shameful…. Anyways, my binge was so bad that I had a panic attack right before my college class. I couldn’t stop crying, so I skipped my exam & went to the library nearby and ended up finding an abandoned bathroom I didn’t even know was there. I was so desperate that I considered harming myself, but there was nothing sharp. Stabbing myself in the arm with a pen seemed ridiculous. So I ended up taking $20 to a locally-owned art store and purchasing a $4 exacto-blade. Here’s a pic:

~

 I didn’t use it, because by that time I’d calmed down. But I feel powerful just knowing it’s at home, in my brown paper bag, & only I know it’s there. If I binge again, I’ll feel the sting. If I don’t have self-discipline, I’ll USE self-discipline. I know it sounds sick, and it totally is, but for once in my life, I want to accomplish something. I’ve never done S.I. before, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

~

I’ve been coping with EDNOS since 6th grade and I was just beginning to see results. I’m not giving up now. I need to remind myself: This is not something that will just HAPPEN to you. This is something you need utter dedication for, something you WILL see results from if you stick with it. For once in your fucking worthless life, finish something.

~

From now on, I will be more strict. I will take my adderall twice a day. I will go on the elliptical for at least an hour & do pilates every night. I will spend a lot of time at the library and almost never be home. I will guzzle hot tea and take cinnamon capsules. I will fine. I will be thin. I will do this.



{February 25, 2010}   thinspo: non-people images

Beneath the cut are images of construicting tape measures, book excerpts, scenery, etc; all amnner of triggering inanimate objects…

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{February 25, 2010}  

TRIGGER SONGS LIST

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{February 25, 2010}   calorie counting

estimated start weight: 150 pounds

February 23: 896 calories total, no exercise. (biggest weakness: pizza slice for dinner.)

February 24: 916 calories consumed, 174 calories burned by 45 minutes exercise, 742 calories total. callanetics full DVD. (biggest weakness: clif bar as a school snack.)

weight on February 24: 146 pounds (weighed on house scale on flat bathroom floor)

February 25:

February 26:

February 27:

February 28:

 



{February 25, 2010}   misc. plans

plan for now:

  • 900 calories daily; callanetics minimum.

as a star / in my 20s:

  • one gourmet dish every other day; the rest is raw veggies. (apple & watermelon slices for a snack; spinach, cucumber, tomato, pickles, olives, bell pepper salad with red wine vinegar; celery, carrot sticks, an orange for a later snack.) https://starryeyedrose.files.wordpress.com/2010/02/z692051851.jpg
  • CRON diet, being sure to get all nutrients and a very low calorie count. exercise: yoga.
  • occasional water fasting, 10 days average.
  • corset for 70% waist-to-hip ratio.

as I age:

  • flex-effect program (to keep my face plump & taut)
  • CRON diet continued for longer life span, slower aging, etc. full nutrients & all the ana benefits with no osteoporosis, etc.


{February 25, 2010}   thinspo: Chrystal Renn

Model Chrystal Renn’s previous crash diet article under the cut.

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{February 24, 2010}   guest star: Laur

An entry from Laur about hiding ana by eating tons of veg…

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{February 24, 2010}   life thus far

I FINALLY Have Access to a Scale!

I got permission to use the school’s scale to weigh myself. I’ll have to keep it to once or twice a week so the gym teacher doesn’t get suspicious; she has to unlock it everytime I use it. I don’t know what I weigh right now…

Spartanette Tryouts

I asked about joining Spartanette today; they’re the school’s dance squad. (It’s different from cheerleaders, too – it’s more athletic and more fun to watch!) Apparently I’m a shoo-in since they need new members so much. It’ll look good on a college resume, trigger me to lose more weight, and give me a chance to work out!

Added Shiney bonus: we have Enviro Sci together and she may have overheard me asking Miller about the tryouts. She honestly just sat there, chewing on her gross, overly-long bangs, as I asked about becoming a cheerleader! XD I caught her staring at me once after that. Can’t wait to see how much more she stares at me as I begin to drop the pounds and disappear! 🙂

OK, quick update: so GasMask overheard the Spartanettes’ advisor talking to a couple of girls about me like I was already in. I KNOW they need more people, so I think it’s safe to rejoice! 🙂

Xang’s Bad Mood

Miller told Shiney and I during Envrio Sci that about halfway through the period, Xang had just snapped andput her head down on her desk. She didn’t know why, but Miller allowed her to sit in the back of the class. Thankfully Shiney didn’t have her phone to text Xang, but I did.

During Drama as Lit Xang told me that it was because some stupid girl in her class said in all seriousness that she tried being an anorexic but failed, and Miller cracked up. This annoyed Xang and made her snap because she was having a horrible mood that day and it just really bothered her.

Good Link for Future Thinso

http://iflifegivesyoulemonsdonteatthem.blogspot.com/

http://candysuicide.blogspot.com/



{February 24, 2010}   Protected: thinspo: before & after

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