A Rose with Starry Eyes

{February 7, 2010}   some random quotes of the day

angry Shiney-related mantras:

  • “Sugar calories don’t count… If you want to be a wheelchair diabetic!”
  • “You’re on legalized speed? Really? That explains why you’re so fat!”
  • “You’re not the mermaid, bitch… you’re sushi!
  • “Your best friend isn’t who everyone thinks? Lemme guess- is it secretly a donut? Because that stopped being a secret 6 jean sizes ago, honey!”
  • “I’m not the one who angsts about having lied about her poundage at weight-watchers!”
  • “Really- I tried to give you anorexia? Even if I had, that’s a gift you should have accepted, or else you’d be able to fit through a doorframe right now. It obviously didn’t work out.”
  • “You texted Rachel about ‘help me kill her’. What are you going to do, bruise me with your arm fat flaps, or just body slam me like the sumo wrestler you are?”
  • “Apparently you weren’t even sure I was real in the first place. Well, someday when I’m an Academy Award-winning actress whose face is on magazines and whose life is one jet-setting party, I really will seem unreal to you, won’t I? A fat little housefrau in her minivan and haircurlers, eating cane sugar out of a bag by the fistful because “it’s organic!” Just like your mother, jealous of mine.  … Shame. If you were nicer, I might’ve let you be my personal assistant! After all, someone’s gotta be the token fat girl.
  • “You would choose him over me because you would choose him over yourself?! Well I would choose me over a big-boned bully like you; as a matter of fact, I would choose an international acting career over you as well- and a figure half the size of yours.”
  • “Remember when your mom said my mom was trash and you never defended her? Well, I think your family’s trash. I think your thighs are trash, I think your lies are trash, and I think you fill yourself up with so much trash food that you’re practically a balloon! That’s all you are, fasto. Yuppie… wannarexic… trash. *gasp* Are you confused?
  • “Vitamin water has calories too? Guess what else has calories. That disgusting, goopy nacho cheese loaded with saturated fat that you practically chugged everyday. Those goldfish crackers you insisted were healthy. The flabby pounds on your molded face, heavy hips, sagging tits, cottage cheesy thighs, beer belly, and those old lady Bingo Wings that you call arms. I am the image of perfection, slim and lithe, a ballet dancer’s body, and you- well, you’re practically a circle.”
  • “So you think the only movie I could ever be in is a porn movie? Well, you’re going to be viewing a lot of those in the future, aren’t you? Or at least your husband will, since he won’t be able to bear looking at your flabby ass any longer. I wonder if glitterboobs will work on him then?”
  • “I used to look up to you. I used to think you had good fashion sense and confidence, that you were social and likable. But then I entered the real world and realized how many people hated you. I used to want to emulate you…. now I’ll never be like you, trying too hard with your stupid, mousy squeaky voice straining to please as your glitterboobs dangled and your fuck-me heels clacked. Now? I am superior.”
  • “Now I may not be able to speak German, but at least I never cheated at a weight watchers. Did you hear about the one in Sweden where the floor collapsed during a meeting? Apparently they all just shrugged their shoulders and went to Krispy Kreme’s. Of course, I guess that embodies your whole life outlook, doesn’t it? Not to mention your entire life plan!”
  • “Little Miss Munchausen’s, Crying on her own. Anorexia, Self-Injury, or Multiple Personality? Maybe you’ll end up just like me, a thin girl on her own. What’s this- what’s this? The girl is all alone?! I guess she faked too many symptoms and now everyone knows.”
  • “You’re a people watcher? I bet I know why. It’s because if you get too close, all the people scream and run away, afraid that you’re going to eat them!!”
  • “There’s a good Shiney and a bad Shiney and they tell you what to do? Are they confused, too? Because I’m pretty sure both of them keeping chanting ‘Eat! Eat! Eat!’, and just because you’re the biggest pig at the county fair doesn’t mean you win a prize!”
  • “So, you’re the girl who would do crack if it were cheap enough and made you thin. What, legalized speed just doesn’t do it for ya anymore? Because you’re not looking so gaunt to me- in fact, you’re a bit of a porker. I understand that as a short person, you pride yourself in your bizarre belief you can inflict pain on people larger than you, but honey? There is no one larger than you. Large and in charge, you have been saved from the dreaded ana- and delivered into the land of the fat, docile cows who sit on their ass and chew their cud all day. In the entertainment world? We eat cows like you for breakfast and then spit out all the fatty parts so we don’t turn into one.”
  • “Natural blonde? Due to chlorine, lemon juice, and bleach, sure. You as a natural blonde is like you as a size two- never gonna happen!”
  • “Plunging necklines, tacky-ass glitter, and dangling pendants to match dangling, desperate tits? Playing ‘pass around the thong and talk about my underwear’ at Xang’s party? My, you are a lady. Practicing for a future in plus-size stripping? Careful, bitch, you might break that pole.”
  • Lucky for you, I’ve currently got bigger fish to fry than your fat mermaid ass. But when I get around to it, you are gonna be skinned and cleaned like the trout that you are. Your friends will leave, your body will balloon, you’ll start to suffer and those fake symptoms will become real. Even trying walk up  a flight of stairs will be like living in a bouncy castle. And then? I’m going to devour what little is left of your wannarexic life.”
  • “‘Maybe she dropped out of school- she tends to do that sometimes.’ WELL, you know what you tend to do sometimes? Act like a total fucking guttercunt. And you tend to ‘drop out’ a lot, too. For instance, dropping out of reality. Do you think you have what it takes to be pagan? And, come on, I know you try really hard to seem interesting, but Little Miss Munchausens? This whole “Girl Interrupted” phase is getting really really cliched. Wannarexia is not life-threatening; but laziness is. So, get up off your ass and try to move from the couch to the kitchen without perspiring. I dare you. (Pssh) Oh, so now you wish you had my willpower, huh, Miss Obese America? Well too bad that the two Shineys in your head can’t figure shit out.”
  • “When depressed, you rise out of it like a Phoneix. What, like a Phoenix on medication?”
  • “Aww, did the little mermaid accidentally attack herself again? Newsflash, fish-girl: wannarexic angst? You’re doing it wrong. You’re supposed to lose weight then demand attention, not vice versa. You haven’t even started the first step yet! “

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