A Rose with Starry Eyes

{February 8, 2010}   blog of an ana girl who appeared on tv

Blog excerpts from an ana blogger who appeared on television (episode of Shear Genius) & is in the process of improving…

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Lots of stuff.

Thank you girls so much for your kind comments… 🙂 They make me feel better.
And yeah, I forgave my boyfriend. He had to turn in the homework that night and he had a friend helping him and the show was on again later that night. So… whatever.


Bree: lol I’ve never been told I look like Mary Kate… I wish!!
embre & Ana’s Girl: The episodes should be online on bravotv.com if not, then I’ll find it later and post 🙂
foreignobject: yay, can’t wait to see your pictures!!
R Harlow B: I use iPhoto on my mac for the retouching (acne scars, dark circles under eyes, etc) and then there’s this really fun site called picnik.com that can edit colors really cool. 🙂
lizzy: Your wish is my command. lol Before and after pics coming up. 🙂
EedeeKnows: First of all, cute name! Very clever. 🙂 And wow, I can’t believe you left to watch me on tv!! haha that’s pretty cool 🙂
And to everyone else who commented, thank you all so much… I can’t believe how many of you watched the show!! Haha… I even got a message on facebook from one of those pretty, skinny, popular girls from high school saying “Hey… I think I just saw you on tv??” lol Anyway… I got a picture back from the shear genius shoot, and my reaction was: “Who’s that fat fuck? Oh yeah, it’s me.” Next time I wanna be a model in the second round. The “real” models with their pretty faces and skinny waists.
I realized something yesterday… this is kinda breakthrough for me.
I don’t want to just be skinny. I don’t just want to lose weight.
I want to be beautiful. I want to be perfect. I want a good job for the sole reason that I’ll be able to make enough money to buy nice clothes and get my hair done and probably get plastic surgery in the future. I am SO fucking vain, it’s disgusting. And if I can’t get that well-paying job, I’ll find a man who has one. I’m dead set on this…
I need to find ways to make everything wrong about me… right. All my flaws… I can’t live with them.
Here’s a partial list of everything I hate about myself physically:
– bad skin, acne scars
– no cheek bones
– dorsal bump on nose
– horrible eyesight
– scars on legs
– chubby thighs
– bloated, fat stomach
– love handles
– inflexible
– unbalanced
What’s worst is that I can’t fix some on my own. I’m dealing with my weight (excruciatingly slowly, but nonetheless), trying to take better care of my skin, and working on my balance and flexibility in my ballet class. The rest… I leave to surgery. Which sucks. I wish I’d had a better hand from the gene pool deck.
Sigh… I’m rambling on about myself. I’m not even feeling that shitty right now. Hmm.
Oh, one more thing before I go – I was in the library the other day just browsing, and I found Madness by Marya Hornbacher. I was interested, so I read the inside cover… Apparently the book is about her Rapid Cycling Bipolar Disorder (sounds familiar) and how it affected her… especially with her eating disorder. I was running late so I couldn’t buy it, but I’m going to. I still haven’t read Wasted, but I think this might relate to me more… Dunno.
And finally, before and after pictures. Fatass from 8 months ago on the show…
…oh shit. Can’t find a recent full-body shot for an after. :/ Just know that twenty pounds makes a HUGE fucking difference. Never going back to this:

Posted by KEMPER

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Eww. I saw my fat ass on TV.
My boyfriend is working on homework and couldn’t take a fucking break from it to see my on TV.
I’ve been excited about this for 8 months.
He couldn’t spend 30 minutes with me.
I’m going to take a shower.
Yeah, I’m fucking pissed.
…at least I’m 20 pounds lighter than I was when I was on the show.
Posted by KEMPER

MY MOOD IS FUCKING INSANE!! + pics of me. again. sorry for the vanity.


OMG I’M GONNA BE ON TV TONIGHT!! Holy shit. I saw a quick clip of myself from the preview for the episode and… :/ My face is so gross from the side. My nose is humped and my cheeks are so sunken that my chin looks fucking ridiculous. God, I hate my face. And my skin. And most of my body.
Casually, my boyfriend was talking about how his 12 (probably more like 15) year old cousin texted him and said she was going on an Abercrombie modeling shoot today. Casually, he was talking about this. And then about all his /famous/ friends, one of which came up with the character sketches and animation for the Gorillaz music video Feel Good Inc. And about the last tour he himself was on with -insert famous now-broken-up band here-.
Fuck me. “Oh I’m gonna be on TV, yipee.” Shear Genius, tonight 10:00pm on Bravo.
Back down to depressed, easy as that. But you know what? I don’t need food right now. I’m certain I gained weight this past week, but I’m determined to get it off again. All it was was a metabolism booster week. Now it’s back to business. No more fun foods. Only banana ice cream (which is DELICIOUS, for those of you who haven’t tried it yet) and vegetables. I fucking miss vegetables. My mom used to cook dinner and have veggies as a side dish, and being vegetarian I’d only eat the boiled carrots, broccoli, corn, or peas and yummmmm…. They were always salty and tasty… I miss them. Eating with my boyfriend is weird because he’s so… what’s the word… oblivious about nutrition. I never thought it was that hard to understand but… whatever. He’s a bit weird about food too, so I gotta keep up with him (eat less than him) most of the time.
Here’s a couple pictures of myself because… I don’t fucking know, actually. Just because.

Me after getting my hair done on the show
Me about ten minutes before being severely depressed today. (My neck looks broken lol)

What I would look like if I was a model.
If I ever actually liked the way I look.
Surprisingly, it’s pretty much unedited. All I did was airbrush little spots where my acne scars are and make the colors duller.

link to all: http://chokeonair.blogspot.com/

Friday, September 4, 2009


I’m so fucking tired of being the “almost” girl.
I’m the girl who gets inspired to do something like try out for a play or for a soccer team, and never makes it to second cut.
I’m just not good enough…. at anything.
I’ve never been really good at anything at all. Never. No medals, no trophies, no leading roles. I’m not talented, I don’t play an instrument, I don’t sing, I don’t dance, I don’t play sports, I just sit here all day, listening to stories of my friend who did make top cut. Friends who are the best at something somewhere. Friends I learn to silently despise.
I told this to my boyfriend one day, who’s played in a world-famous band, won first place at the national co-ed cheerleading championship, acted in a soap opera, danced with the county company, and has his own Wikipedia page. His last girlfriend cheated on him because she felt so inferior for so long. I would never cheat, but god…. I do feel inferior. How could I not? I mean, I hang out with his friends, who are all so super-talented, and I have nothing in common with them. Nothing. The only cool thing I’ve ever done was being on a reality show for an episode. And even that was a one-time thing.
God, I’m inferior.
And then there’s the nerve of people… the nerve of them to encourage me to try out for something. They know as well as I do that I’m no good at anything at all.
I’m tired of being like this. Of having nothing to show and being so dull.
If I was pretty I could get by without the need of talent…
If I was thin I could be pretty…
If I lost twenty pounds I could be thin…
Posted by KEMPER
link: http://chokeonair.blogspot.com/2009_09_01_archive.html


Would you really like to end up like that- on TV only one time, and so repulsed by your own face? Everytime you move your arm and it wiggles a little, the camera is there. Everytime you make a facial expression, any excess fat on your face is affected, and the resulting creases are captured on camera. Think twice before you slack off and expect success in the industy! You only get one shot so do not blow it; don’t be the girl at home watching herself on tv, thinking that if only she had lost this 20 pounds sooner, she might still have a career. First impressions count, so work hard and kick butt!!! 🙂

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