A Rose with Starry Eyes

{February 8, 2010}   quote of the day

“She had been discussing loudly that she was ‘considering cutting herself’.”

~Xang, telling me about how she met Shiney.

This is basically where everything started. I didn’t know about it at the time; Shiney would complain later that I was a bad friend, but how could I be the bad friend when she was the one who told a room full of strangers her ‘considerations’ and not her BFF? More under the cut (no pun intended).

The summer of 2008, I had returned home from having dropped out of 8th grade and would be a sophmore as soon as summer was over. Shiney had invited me to volunteer with her at a children’s art program at the local college; I will admit, I was a really shitty volunteer, although Shiney always did have a knack for sucking up to people. Even though one of the women we worked for was a bitch, she never said a thing. I was bored a lot and wanted to talk to her, but she was quite focused on her job. (Like I said, I sucked. No lie.) When her and I would take our breaks down in the basement cafe (that’s how I discovered it, btw- she showed me), she began to talk about a girl called…. Xang. She said she’d been over to Xang’s house before and implied she was always going over there, as though they were really close friends or something. At the time I had no other true friends than Shiney, so I felt insecure, but instead of flipping out I asked if I could see her sometime, maybe we could all meet for coffee. Xang said she didn’t think so. Later on I got to hear about how she was going to Xang’s birthday party, and in retrospect, had she wanted, she probably could’ve invited me along or something. Xang’s parties are always really casual.

It was also during this time that Shiney was on adderall, and I remember her getting handfuls of loose candy from the college gift shop to eat, saying “sugar calories don’t count” (probably from the book Wasted by Marya Hornbacher, which was maybe even my fault for lending to her in the first place. Actually, where did I leave my copy…?). In between those and the mini-cups of instant mac’n’cheese she ordered from the vending machine, she was consuming a lot of processed shit. (Ironic that as a person who grew up in a home full of manufactured foods I would yearn for health and vanity, whereas Shiney, the girl raised organic free-range on 3-course meals, would turn to junk food and sugar to drop pounds.) According to Xang she’s admitted to looking at pro-ana sites before, which would fit into this part of the timeline as well- yet another issue she never told me about.

When Xang and I grew closer, I would find that she hadn’t actually been that close; they hadn’t met in class, but at another time when Shiney had been loudly discussing how she was considering cutting herself. (Something Shiney had never mentioned to me before.) The closest I’d gotten to this facet of her was when freshman year we’d had a German exchange student over and right before we were all supposed to go to a hockey game, she phoned talking about how she was considering committing suicide, slitting herself with a kitchen knife from neck to groin so she could stare at her insides. I’d cried and flipped out, thinking she would die, but I couldn’t call her parents in case they took her away from me. I went to the game anyways and was miserable, and because I couldn’t stop crying, mom had to call Grandpa and Grandma to go out of their way and come take me home. I later found out that she had been shopping with her mom and was totally fine, but I didn’t know what to say. (That or her mom had shopped for her… either way, she had blown her “depression” immensely out of proportion and was fine after I had cried like a baby, howled like I would die, probably scared the exhcnage student out of his wits, and made my poor family (and grandparents!) bend over backwards all so that I could go home to check on my wannarexic liar of a “f(r)iend”.

Anyways, Xang had only befriended Shiney in the first place because she’d heard her saying she was “considering” cutting herself. (Who thinks those things through and “considers”, anyways? Much less announces them!) She had tried to convince Shiney not to, because Xang had coped with S.I. issues for so long and genuinely wanted to help. That was how they became friends.

That was how this whole fucking thing started.

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