A Rose with Starry Eyes

{February 9, 2010}   Unhappy triggers

Things in my life have not been going so well as of late, so here is a list of things that make me upset, which will hopefully help me ignore any fat-cravings.

Unhappy triggers:

  • when dad scolds mom about something and she either gets all defensive and loses or she apologizes for something that doesn’t matter, slinking off with her tail between her legs like a puppy dog that just got kicked for wanting to play catch or snuggle.
  • when all you want is to be left alone and no one will let you; mom keeps asking inane questions and you don’t want to hurt her feelings, but you’re sick of it already. your throat hurts, you’re too fat, you have an audition later, and you just want the world to stop for a moment.
  • the pain your stomach feels as it stretches out when you eat a sandwich
  • when everyone around you is making a TON of noise and they just won’t shut up; your anger feels like it’s about to implode.
  • when some idiot decides that animal abuse is fun and kicks a field mouse right in front of you, or tries to stomp on it and kill it while it just tries to escape alive.
  • the realization that things you once found fun you will probably never find to be fun again, like playing outside in the snow, going sledding, sprinklers, etc.
  • every time Xang doesn’t have the patience to deal with you,
  • every time you ask someone if they’re your friend and they call you weird, laugh, etc; even if it seems like a joke, how do you know?
  • when you try to speak out during class and no one hears you or you make a joke and no one laughs; it doesn’t matter whether or not you’re there because no one notices.
  • thinking about what would/will happen when mom dies…
  • thinking about what life will be like if dad doesn’t die!
  • thinking about how dreary life will be if you don’t become an actress
  • every time you think you’ve gotten closer to your goal weight when really your jeans cut into your tummy same as ever, your measurements are the same, you haven’t lost any weight, and you haven’t worked out in forever….
  • the fear you won’t ever learn to be outgoing, a people person; just a shy, weird little deformed mouse forever…
  • 5 years from now, having the same weight and face, the same social problems, still no BF, etc….

et cetera
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