A Rose with Starry Eyes

{February 21, 2010}  

Random blog entries

Sunday, February 14, 2010

“You are almost half fat” – Celebrity Fit Club

What is there to say really?
I gained maybe about 2 pounds over the weekend. Not too bad for everything I ate. I worked out really good once.
Tomorrow, I am back on track. I think I’m ditching my “Plan” that I talked about on my previous post.
I think I’m just going to have this mindset from now on:

Only eat if I’m hungry.

Only a little bit.

Only healthy.

In other news…….
There really isn’t other news. I did cry today in my car after pulling out of my driveway to come back to college. I ended up calling Thomas. He’s a really good friend and we have a strange relationship because he’s told me that he does love me. I appreciate that a lot. I don’t know why he would but it’s really nice. I wish I could reciprocate those feelings. But, as some of you know, I am an emotional roller coaster and cannot make promises like that. I care about him very much and sometimes imagine what life would be like with him. I really wish we lived nearer to each other. I wish I could tell him about everything. I can’t though because he would worry and I would feel even more guilty.
I just want to not want but that is wanting in itself and quite frustrating. So maybe I should just say I want to be strong and control what I want.  But that’s not right either because you cannot possibly control what you want because the nature of wanting is not having control of it. So then what? So then it becomes a choice to act on what you want at the moment or what you want in the long run. Do you want that food now? Or do you want to be skinny? And that’s what is tricky because as humans, we appreciate instant gratification. That’s why we can refer to skinny girls as goddesses. Because they do not succumb to human wants. They are super human. They rise above. I would very much like to fall in that category.
hmm…it wouldn’t be an achievement if it were something that was easy to do.
Ok, i guess i should get busy and catch up with y’alls blogs since its been a couple of days.

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Sunday, January 31, 2010

Epiphany, No Apologies, Saying FUCK Nay-Sayers!

So i have come to a couple of realizations about myself.
I am an intense person. I have high high’s and very low low’s. My family has told me they have to walk on eggshells around me because i am explosive. One minute I’m up and the then someone says something that i just don’t like and I explode BAM! I won’t apologize for the way I am. I wouldn’t change it for the world. I think it is much better to live an intense life than a numb one. I have been trying to numb myself for so long for everyone and myself because i feared myself and so do other people it seems. Well i won’t anymore. I am going to let myself feel sadness, happiness, love, hate, jealousy, loneliness, etc ….with all the intensity in my being from now on. I will not hold back any longer. I am going to do whatever i want because i want to. I will only learn more about myself and life this way.
I am me and nobody else. I needle felt mushrooms, craft jewelry, create paintings and drawings, binge, purge, eat next to nothing for weeks, laugh loud, don’t laugh at all, stare in the mirror, glare at the mirror, glare at the scale, stick out my tongue when people turn their backs, fall asleep in class, read young adult books, shop till i drop, refuse to grow up, pinch my fat, get drunk, fall when i get drunk, cry when i get drunk, laugh when i get drunk, am witty, funny, mean, nice, intimidating, a smart ass and i like it., a brat, afraid of the dark, and passionate. Ever so passionate. See how much I have to offer?! haha.
WE my friends are of a special breed. We are the sanes ones. We are so sane that people do not understand we can see the bigger picture and so they label us insane and make us believe it ourselves. Well i am here to reassure you that they are the ones living in fantasy world. We are the realists. Not they. Well I say let them live their ways and we shall live ours.
Don’t you know?…“You’re not a baby if you feel the world. Although, the babies, they can feel the world. That’s why they cry.”
– The Blow

It’s true. You are not crazy for feeling the world.
I will no longer feel bad or apologize for being me. For being intense. I am a roller coaster and it’s ok. Who needs gravity? I will become lighter and float float away to Never Never Land if i want. And i do want.
You do you. I do me, you do you. Fuck the nay-sayers, hug the one’s who believe in you. Even if the only people who do is yourself and your kitty. I love hugging kitty’s.
“It may not mean nothing to y’all. But understand nothing was done for me. So I don’t plan at stoppin at all. I want this shit forever man, forever man, forever man.” – ‘Forever’ Drake ft. Lil Wayne and Eminem
Who’s with me? I want this shit forever man.

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Monday, January 18, 2010

new miracle drink? plus fast

I’m not sure yet. I’ve actually had it before and liked it but it seems it has slipped my mind until rediscovering today at the grocery store. It’s called Kombucha, and it is a fermented drink made form kombucha, tea, ginger, and a few other ingredients. It claims to help with digestion, appetite control, weight control, metabolism, energy, and some other stuff. It’s 30 cals per serving and comes with 2 servings per bottle. I’m pretty damn stoked. I’m drinking it tomorrow for my fast to see how it goes. If it goes well, I’m going to be so freaking excited that my prayers have been answered and live off the stuff. I mean each bottle is 3.99$, so its pretty steep, but you can buy it in bulk at the store i went to today or order it online in bulk so that it ends up being cheaper that way. Also, the stuff lasts for a pretty long time (a few months) so it would be worth it. Plus the bottle is just too cute and cool to pass up. I mean if it does help me….i would not mind at all spending my money on this stuff rather than food. Ok i know im ranting about this stuff without knowing for sure how it will work but i need something to give me hope and some motivation.
But, so yeah. I’m over this shitty day and my fat ugly body and focusing on tomorrow’s fast. WooHoo! I’m pumped! I’m so pumped that i started giving myself a peptalk while looking at myself in the bathroom until i realized that my roommate might hear me. Man, i’m losing it. Just gotta make that IT into FAT so that i’m losing weight.

synergy is also the same stuff…

And my new mantra (along with “empty is strong”) is Joanna Newsom’s quote that goes:
“so enough with this terror, we deserve to know light and grow evermore lighter and lighter”
mainly that last little bit because it’s so true.
we DESERVE to know light…..and, grow evermore, lighter and lighter. because this world is a terror and being fat is terrifying.
find strength in weakness. empty is strong. ❤

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Until Further Notice

I should have mentioned before that the only calories I would be burning at the volleyball tournament are the ones i burn from yelling and pacing the sideline, because I am coaching. We are doing awful at the moment. I’m sad and feel like I might be drowning right now. And I am not eating. I am not hungry. I am too stressed to eat. Eating would only stress me out more. Yesterday I indulged in horrific amounts of bad food. But not today. Nor the next, nor the next one after that. I am certain of it.
I started reading Wasted. I have to put it down often in order to sit and think about it. It is too familiar of a story and quite sad. Sad, because, she is right. I can never go back. Not fully. And it will be so difficult. Maybe too difficult to do so.
It’s hard to make my life make sense right now. I guess for many years I have been aware of this. I want to do so much and fear it might never happen. And so then I wonder what’s the point?
I don’t think there is a point. Who says there has to be a “point” to life? Why do we, as humans, have to justify and giving reasoning to everything in life and this world. It’s quite a stupid and pointless thing to do if you ask me. Ironic. But here is where I can swiftly remind myself that no one has ever asked me and most likely never will.
I looked in the mirror of the bathrooms here at tournament and I look very tired. And I wondered if other people notice this and think to themselves in a sad sort of way, “that girl looks too young to look so tired.”
I am young. I do not feel this way. I have never felt this way. I feel like an old soul that has been lost for ages and has found it’s way into my being, but is still very lost and a little tired from having existed in such a way for so long. I wonder if my soul will find it’s way into another being after this body dies or if it will maybe find what it is looking for in some soul paradise and finally get some rest. I wonder if at one point in time my soul had a mate, but they were separated somehow, and my soul has been searching ever since. That would be awfully tragic and romantic.
I do believe in new souls too.
I do believe I am bloated right now from the coffee. It was delicious coffee. But, I am still tired. Today is going to be very long. No eating, watching my team lose because they do not care if they win. And then driving back to my College home, and finally writing a brief paper in Italian.
All of this to only wake up in the morning feeling this way. Fat, alone, and tired. Some might say this is depressing. I’m not sure what it is or how I feel. I just know that I cannot live like this forever. Something has got to change before something gives. I hear a ticking and I cannot see what it is….whether it’s a watch or a bomb, I’m running out of time.
Empty is strength in a sort of way. Maybe it’s not. But I won’t stop believing it now.

Empty Is Strong
Life is fast, you can too.
p.s. – fasting until further notice

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