A Rose with Starry Eyes











{February 21, 2010}   guest star: Freya

new ana blogger Freya talks about her lack of friends, her self-improvement, triggering music, her school life, & social anxiety…

My Photo

Freya

About Me: I chose the name Freya because, in Norse mythology, she is the goddess of love & beauty & I promised myself that this year I will be beautiful – this year I will be thin.

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Sunday, 10 January 2010

School Days

I was half-tempted after I posted my last to start the ABC today.  Patience really isn’t a virtue of mine, but I did manage to contain myself as I reminded myself that I am more likely to mess it up starting a day early: I like planning and order although never at school.

At the beginning of every school year I would promise myself to complete my homework the day I was given in just like my friend Sofia. Sofia always made you feel so unintentionally guilty as whilst you were making more and more fantastical excuses to the teacher about why you haven’t got your homework (I was seriously one step away from blaming a fire breathing dragon for burning my History homework), Sofia would be sitting next to you handing in her 20 pages making you feel as though you were the worst person in the world.  She didn’t mean to do this, although sometimes she would tut at me for not having my homework, but she made you feel worse than the teacher did.  You felt as though you had to redeem yourself in her eyes, which is just ludicrous as it was only homework.
My “clique” (I hate that word) at school consisted of 9 girls and out of those 9 I was the dumbest by far.  The bottom in Maths, the bottom in Science (science to me was another foreign language); the girl hyperventilating against the fence in P.E, and the girl offended French and German people alike with her non-existent grasp on their language.  I was okay in Religious Studies and History as long as we had a good teacher, and English I excelled at even with my appalling spelling mistakes, alarming grammatical errors and punctuation which would turn any English teacher into a screaming wreck.  Despite my shyness I was even good at Drama, but any other subject which wasn’t English or Drama I was just pants at.
I was an average student which isn’t the best student to be when you are a pupil at a grammar school.
God only knows how I passed my 11+ and was accepting into grammar.  I have a sneaky suspicion my mum was sacrificing lambs to some education God to ensure my place.
Now even with my social anxiety whi
ch grew with every year until it was the puppet master and I was the puppet, I liked my school.  Everyone was friendly and nice and everyone was laid back…that was until exams started approaching.  Suddenly perfectly normal teenagers and teachers become possessed by this evil demon spirit, a spirit which wasn’t helped by one of our teachers telling a story about how a former student had received 2 A’s and 1 B and was therefore not accepted into the university of her choice and was now working in Maccy D’s.  I actually think a collective gasp went over most of the assembly hall at the conclusion to that story.
There was just so much pressure.  It’s almost as if we were preparing for battle and where was I in all of this? I was the solider sitting at the back of the room smoking and rolling my eyes, but scared, not for my future or career prospects (still I didn’t know what I wanted to do in life), but because I felt alone amongst everyone.  Not everyone was panicking.  Some like me just ignored the crazily dramatic and obviously fictional stories, but half of those girls were ridiculously clever anyway so didn’t have to worry about such things.
One of my friends Ella was so laid-back she reminded me of the Hookah smoking caterpillar from Alice in Wonderland. She was late, she never had her homework or any pencils and pens for the lessons (I have a weird fetish for stationary so I always have pens, pencils and paper), but she was so clever.  She wanted to be a brain surgeon and that was a perfectly attainable goal for her.  She also was tall and thin and could eat all this junk food; she looked like Audrey Hepburn and her brother is actually a model for Burberry!

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Ella always made me laugh and I her, so we would spend most lessons together just gossiping or laughing.  And me, like the complete idiot I was, never realized that I had to pay attention in class.  Ella didn’t but I did.  So I was struggling with pretty much everything in school which made it so much easier when I left.
Another thing I hated was I was the fat, funny one in the group.  There is nothing quite as crushing as being the Fat One amongst your friends. You can’t borrow their clothes, or eat in a restaurant with them without feeling like a pig at the trough.  Boys always ignore you and your friends just seem to forget about you whenever someone new (and thinner) comes along.
I know I’m being so unfair to them but that’s the way I feel.  That’s the way I’ve always felt, but it’s only now that I am taking off my mask and showing everyone the real me.
One of the reasons I want to be thin is for people to recognize me.  I don’t want them to laugh at me or to dismiss me and my dreams.  I want them to take me seriously and to just listen to my problems and worries; I could never tell my friends anything what I was feeling as I felt I had to make them happy.  I don’t want to be the loser, the sad-case, the one they pity amongst them.
I want to be worthy of friendship because at this moment in time I really don’t feel worthy of anything.
And so tomorrow I start the ABC.  I need this.
-x-

Posted by Freya at 17:17 5 comments

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Thursday, 7 January 2010

A Butterfly Is What I Will Be

I was a late baby, born 10 days after my mum’s due date, but I sometimes feel as though I was the ultimate late baby.  I feel as though I should have been born in 1889 nor 1989, and that by being born in this year was all just some fatal mistake.
I have always been fascinated by the 1900’s especially England in that time.  To me everyone was elegant and thin; there were still mysteries in the world and man hadn’t laid claim to every scrap of uncharted land. Gentlemen and ladies still existed, and although there was far less freedom in those days, people still corseted in by what society dictated to them, the strings of their corsets were being unlaced so that scandal crept out, piece by piece, casting a beautiful shadow over everyone.
A rather romantic view to take I know and I have totally been swayed by books and films such as Atonement (novel by Ian McEwan, film with James McAvoy and the thinspo princess Keira Knightley) and Mrs Dalloway by Virginia Woolf, but I just cannot help but yearn to be in this era.  I fully admit that I would have been among the lower class, but even that would have fascinated me.  I would have gone to Paris and lead the Bohemian life amongst dancers, writers and painters.
I am totally living in my fantasy world but I cannot help it: I always retreat there.  I suppose that’s why I have such an awful grip on reality.  I hate myself so I pretend that I’m someone else but then I am forced back into reality, back into who I really am and I don’t like that so I hate myself.  It’s like a vicious circle, but one I neither resent nor admire.  I just accept it.

Sometimes I can be suffocatingly clingy with people and things, which is strange when you consider the fact that I have abandoned so many people in my life.  I am over-protective and I’m possessive, just not in an unattractive way.  And yet I hate people touching me and being touched by people.
The only person I have given everything to, who I’ve allowed to touch me, who I’ve wanted to touch me has been my boyfriend, and maybe I allow him to do this because we rarely see one another?
I don’t know why I’m like this.  I wasn’t brought up in a violent home, just a broken one.  Both of my brothers are like this too and it doesn’t make sense.
It doesn’t make sense why I’m typing this random post which really has no meaning, apart from the fact that it’s 12:41 in the morning as I write and I should really be in bed.
I just wonder will I ever be happy with myself?  Will Ana give me that feeling of completion I know she promises to me?  When I starve and feel empty I do feel so elated, as though I am flying above everyone else.  All my problems and my past, all my fears I leave behind as I float away with Ana; but how long will this flight last?  Will I come crashing back down to Earth just like I do when I stopped self-harming.
I have been harming myself since I was about 6.  Until recently I didn’t really think of what I was doing as self-harm, but pulling great chunks of your hair out, not only from your head (!) to feel that pain really isn’t normal.  Then when I was 16 I moved onto cutting myself.  Just thinking about cutting myself now brings about this harmony inside of me.  I get this tingly feeling in my stomach and my fingers get itchy.  It’s hard for me to talk about my SI as I always want to grab a pair of scissors or a compass or a knife, previous instruments I have used in the past, and just cut away.  I want to see the redness of my blood splattered like raindrops against my pale skin, and to go to bed buzzing on the high of pain, anticipating the next morning when I can wake up and see the new scar being formed on my arm…

People tell me it’s wrong to feel this way and deep down I know it is, but for years SI was the only relief in my life and I cannot allow myself to just turn away from it.  It’s been 7months since I last SI which is a very long time when you consider that I was cutting myself several times a day, everyday, for 2 years and I do feel proud that I’ve stopped.  But it feels good at the same time knowing that I have always my SI to fall back on.
When I SI I would proudly show off my scars when I was out and about although never when I was with my family; I kept them hidden from them.  I felt that by showing them off I was telling people that I was above them.  I was different.  I felt invincible: nobody could hurt me because I hurt myself.  A warped way of thinking I know, but one which made living easier for a while.
I hope that with Ana I get this feeling of immortality.  I will be so very fragile and tragic that it would be a sin to hurt me. A delicate little butterfly is what I want to be.  Something fluttering above people’s head. Something to be admired at, adored, but never touched; never captured.
I want to be as beautiful as all you Ana butterflies out there, and with your strength I know I can make you proud.
-x-

Posted by Freya at 01:12 6 comments

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Monday, 4 January 2010

Mowgli’s Road, Marina & the Diamonds, Ana song?

One of my favourite artists at the moment is Marina and the Diamonds.  I’ve been loving her music ever since I heard her I am not a Robot song a few months back, and I am totally in love with her new song Hollywood.
I was listening to her song Mowgli’s Road (gotta love the video) a moment ago and one verse in particular just caught my attention…

“You say Y-E-S to everything,
Will that guarantee you a win?
Do you think you will be good enough,
To love others and to be loved?”

For some reason those lyrics sounded as though Ana was whispering them to me, reminding me that I can achieve nothing when I binge. The song goes on to talk about being chased by cutlery -Oh I’ll just put all of the lyrics up; it really is a great song:

Cuckoo!

Ten silver spoons coming after me,
One life with one dream on repeat,
I’ll escape if I try hard enough,
Till, King of the Jungle calls my bluff,

Oh Lord, (Oh Lord)
I have been told, (I have been told)
I must take the unforsaken road (Forsaken road)

There’s a fork in the road,
I’ll do as as I am told,
Well, I don’t know,(Don’t know don’t know don’t know don’t know)
Who…I want to be.

Cuckoo!

You say Y-E-S to everything,
Will that guarantee you a win?
Do you think you will be good enough,
To love others and to be loved?

Oh Lord, (Oh Lord)
Now I can see, (Now I can see)
The cutlery will keep on chasing me, (Forsaken road)

There’s a fork in the road,
I’ll do as as I am told,
Well, I don’t know, (Don’t know, don’t know, don’t know, don’t know)
Who…I want to be.

We are the spoons, they’re telling me
We scooped our way into your dreams,
To knock the knives out bloody cold,
And lead you down the unforsaken road.

There’s a fork in the road,
I’ll do as as I am told,
Well, I don’t know, (Don’t know, don’t know, don’t know, don’t know)
Who…I want to be

Am I reading too much into this?
Either way I just love Marina – that’s a fabulous photo of her at the top of this post – and I cannot wait for her Family Jewels album to come out.  *dances insanely around the room in anticipation*
-x-
Posted by Freya at 22:21 0 comments
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random graphics:
link: http://anasugarlips.blogspot.com/


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