A Rose with Starry Eyes











{February 21, 2010}   guest star: violet, Part I.

A truly deep & philosophical, candid blog by a British ana. discusses the establishment, book recommendations, school, freedom, etc.

Part I

“How she longed to get out of the dark hall, and wander among those beds of bright flowers and those cool fountains, but she could not even get her head through the doorway”

Violet

Photo

My Photo

Location: Wonderland : Devon : United Kingdom

About Me: These are Violet’s attempts to shrink. When not engaging in any disordered behavior, I also read any thing I can lay my grubby mitts on, play the piano til someone objects, and drink vast amounts of coffee.

~

~

Saturday, 20 February 2010

Anti-Establiment Rant.

Be warned, this post may become very bleak and generally dispairing.
So, apparently, I’m not normal. I am not the average, and I am different.
This I have dealt with, moved on.
I didn’t want to be average anyway, most people are average -well, duh – and most people suck.
Wait, Violet, where are you going with this?
I’m not quite sure, I’m just in a foul mood, because I am the only person who could possibly gain weight on under 1000 calories. For 3 days in a row. So I’m in rather a foul mood.
But anyway, I have a suspicion that if people – friends, family, healthcare professionals, had any real idea what I am capable of, they would be concerned. Confused. You, they would say, are not normal. That’s not healthy. Let us fix you.
Fuck no.
Do you have any idea how fucked up the world is?
People my age, on bright Saturday mornings are supposed to go driving around in shiny cars and see friends and films and eat pizza and do homework and laugh.
I stayed in. What a fucking surprise. I read the paper. Maybe that is the root of my misery. There’s the finance section, which has many many graphs and diagrams that all say the same thing – we, the british public, have misunderstood the simple idea of credit and fucked up everything. The news section which shows that the British government has condoned the torture of many innocent people and gone to great lengths to cover it up. The food section, which is frankly ridiculous. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry at the state of it. We are all supposed to be on some kind of low-fat, low-carb, trans fat free, high nutrient density, organic, OGM free, gluten free, sat fat free, locally sourced, superfood diet. And getting 5 fruit or veg a day. And we have to do all this without getting neurotic about it, because that is unseemly. We are supposed to aspire to supermodel beauty, but also have a very high brow, superior attitude to it all, about how vain it all is.
Maybe I’m reading the wrong paper.
Nevertheless, it’s pretty miserable stuff. But my point is this – the whole world is corrupt and vain and dishonest, why should I be any different. Do I even have the capability to be any different.
Why can’t I just stay here forever, in my room on books and coffee and no more fucking food? Why is that such a social taboo, when there is so much more going on. In a world of pure, pure, unadulturated, undisguised evil, how can people possible judge me for being a bit weird.
Yes, I’m a bit weird. But I’m also bright, and generally a nice person. To most people anyway. So who really cares if I get a bit neurotic about food labels? Really, is that the worst thing in the world?
Read the papers. No, it is not.
Gessh, Violet. Lighten up.
I know, I know, I’m sorry. It’s just one of those days.
I’m exaggerating. I know I’m lucky really. In 95% of the countries in the world, I’d have a much more difficult and miserable existance. Even here, just maybe 60 years ago, I’d have some real fucking problems to deal with. So I shouldn’t moan really. But it’s hard sometimes. I don’t know what I want, nor how to get it and I am deathly afraid that I will be like this forever.
Ever just feel like a complete lunatic?
Posted by Violet at 14:42
link: http://alicemaigrir.blogspot.com/2010/02/anti-establiment-rant.html
~
~

Thursday, 18 February 2010

Illogical Ramblings.

It worries me a little that I cannot control my emotions in any way, shape or form.
Today has been amazing. Coffee, coffee, coffee, three books in a day.
Am under 500 calories and feel so alive. Like I’ve been sleeping a very long time and only now am I properly awake.
It’s such a high.

Saw Sherlock Holmes, the film, which was truly fantastic. I really, really love Arthur Conan Doyle. I remember being 12 and getting a Holmes boxset for my birthday. One of the best presents ever. It was good to see it while I feel like this – so…what’s the word? I don’t know, buzzing will have to do. Made it feel so much more intense. There’s a good Wasted quote, that I cannot quite remember. Fasting makes sounds louder, colours more intense, I suppose that’s why mystics go in for it. Something along those lines…? Very true.
You can’t see it but my thoughts are like a thousand miles an hour right now.
How do I always forget how much I love this, or how much a binge hurts til afterwards.
Anyways, as I was saying, it worries me that I cannot control my emotions. Today, I wanted to be hungry. And I did it. Really fucking well. Other days I want to binge and purge and cry. I’m good at that too, if that’s possible. So I have some control. But I have no control over what type of day it will be when I wake up. Just exactly which extreme I’m going to want.
I’m in no fit state to write at the moment, I’m too fucking happy.
Am continuing the cleaning mission taking place in my room. I’m getting really into it. I have had OCD a little bit for almost forever, but only really when I’m stressed. I’m not stressed now, but keep cleaning. I’m a little scared if I stop I’ll bring about the end of this streak.
Loves, kisses, happy thoughts coming your way.
Posted by Violet at 20:03
link: http://alicemaigrir.blogspot.com/2010/02/illogical-ramblings.html
~
~

Monday, 15 February 2010

Maths – Hunger and Calories.

Are we hungry?
What’s the difference between hunger and craving?
Dainty Zen said in her blog a little while ago, if you aren’t hungry enough to eat an apple, you aren’t hungry. This was a personal motto of my own a little while ago. Because when I was hungry, I’d have to go into the kitchen, and the first thing you see in my kitchen is our apple bowl. I’m not quite sure why apples. We just do. So if I ate an apple, because it was the first thing I saw, then I was hungry. I should have ignored it and gone back upstairs, but an apple isn’t really so bad. If I ignored the apples and went straight for the biscuit tin then I couldn’t even claim to have been hungry, I was just greedy.
So eliminating food on the grounds of cravings is hard. It’s chemical, it’s psychological, it’s complicated. But is hunger?
A while ago I was on this streak of weighing everything I ate, so I could work out how much in weight I was eating. I stopped doing that after a few months. It was proving nothing. One thing I worked out is that I tended to always eat about the same amount of food, and that I felt okay when I was eating about 1kg of food, though that’s a very rough guidline. Weight watchers recommend about 2kg, so it varies, and I am hardly the norm.
So if you eat 1kg of apples, you’ll have eaten 450 calories and should theoretically not have been hungry.
1kg of Oatmeal would have you at 3650 cals for the day, despite that fact that you only ate the same amount of food. That’s a difference of 3200 calories, almost enough to gain a whole pound.
I just thought I’d point all this out. We may very well be making this more complicated for ourselves. At the end of the day, calories are still king, and the only way to lose weight is to eat less calories. And the amount of hunger we feel need only reflect our food choices rather than the amount we eat.
Posted by Violet at 14:30
link: http://alicemaigrir.blogspot.com/2010/02/maths-hunger-and-calories.html
~
~

Saturday, 13 February 2010

Operation Half Term

You guys are so wonderful. Here I am moaning about all this free time I have and instead of telling me to get a grip and enjoy it, you understand. I’m so lucky.

Nevertheless, a grip is what I need to get. So here’s the plan.

I will –
  • Not gain any weight. I just refuse to. Things have been going too good to let that happen.
  • Stay up late, sleep late. Less eating time, same amount cal-burning wakefulness.
  • Read. Constantly. All the time.
  • Have a hot drink with me all the time. You can’t eat and drink at the same time.
  • Do some actual work. Go back to school with all essays double checked, all notes in order, all experiments written up. You can’t possible justify eating when all that needs to be done.
  • Blog. A lot. So expect to hear a lot of drivel as I try to find salvation in the keyboard rather than the cupboards.
  • Exercise.

Any other additions would be welcome. I liked Flabby-Js idea about getting out of the house. So simple, so effective. Is it still considered really antisocial to go the cinema alone? Because that would be great. I should go at mealtimes. If I have the cash.

Have little else to report as yet. Hit a good weight yesterday but ate 3 meals. Small, but 3. I’m too scared to weigh myself now. I’ll leave it a few days.

….I never thought you could all mean so much to me, what with never meeting you and all, but you do. I hope you all have fantastic days, and know you are loved. Even if it just by a lonely British teenager with nothing better to worry about.

Oh and Valentine’s Day sucks, so I propose we all get very Bridget Jones about it all and stay in with wine (or tea) and a Pride and Prejudice.

xxx

Posted by Violet at 13:46 3 comments
link: http://alicemaigrir.blogspot.com/2010/02/operation-half-term.html
~
~

Wednesday, 10 February 2010

A Deviation From The Norm.

When you feel that urge…
Feel the panic rise and the voices growing louder and louder.
Eat me. Eat me now. All of me. EAT ME. EAT ME NOW. ALL OF ME. EATMEEATMENOWALLOFME.

Think of the last person you spoke to.
Close your eyes.
Say their name in your head. And again. And over and over and over and over.
Until it doesn’t mean anything at all.
Then open your eyes and leave the room.

The following are interesting substitutions for a name.

menstruation.
hemorrhage.
hope.

Posted by Violet at 18:37
link: http://alicemaigrir.blogspot.com/2010/02/deviation-from-norm.html
~
~

Tuesday, 9 February 2010

Nice.

Today has been nice.
That word is so underrated. You can use it almost anywhere, and so it becomes devalued. Whatever, I’m reclaiming “nice”. It’s perfect for today. I’ve had no solid foods yet, which is comforting. Am at 170 from many many many coffees and a yogurt.
Had nice, peaceful double french lesson. But we discussed abortion. I hate doing that. I’m so anti-abortion people get pissed off with me. They say I’m anti-feminist. They say I’m naive. They say if I ever got pregnant I’d be a hypocrite, because I’d want an abortion. But none of that came up. I kept my mouth shut, and gave the standard arguments for and against, straight from the textbook.
Biology? Also nice. I’m loving school at the moment. Everything’s in limbo really until we get out exam results back, and we can evaluate how much work needs to be done, which subjects are the highest priorities, which resits to take, yadda yadda yadda…
And then I spend my free lesson attacking double angle formulae, getting them all wrong and getting pissed off. Not nice. Gave up and had tea in the common room with friends. Nice.
Lunch time was the best. I played cards – I know, how quaint! – with H and K who are really my only proper friends at this school, and a few of the Academic Snob Girls. They’re alright, really. At least their hypocrisy and snobbery is confined to the classroom and they are human outside of it.
Was talking to Clearly Anorexic Girl. We had tea. Both black, no sugar. Both Muller Light yogurt, vanilla. Both with freaky teaspoon habits. In fact, if I was at all slim in anyway at all, we’d have a lot in common. She, conversely, is skeletal. The thinnest person I’ve ever known.
She’s stressed because her friends want to go on an 18-30s package deal to Ibiza… she wants something closer to home, cheaper, less heavy on the alcohol. They are getting tired of her protestations. I can totally understand where she’s coming from. That’s pretty much my idea of hell on earth – booze, food, bikinis.
I feel sorry for her. She’s so lovely. But so guarded. Matched only by me.
Maybe I should try and talk to her more. It would, at least, make for easier lunchtimes. H and K each such utter rubbish, and it’s constant. I hate it when they eat in front of me, but it would be weird to point that out. But it seems pointless to make friends 107 (still counting) before we all leave.
Anyway, enough rambling. I hope your days were all equally nice.
Thanks again for all your comments, they really cheered me up last night πŸ™‚
Posted by Violet at 17:30
link: http://alicemaigrir.blogspot.com/2010/02/nice.html
~
~

Monday, 8 February 2010

Blaming others is easier on myself.

I just want to make beautiful music and read beautiful books and sleep under wild free stars with my loves. But this is not happening because I myself am not beautiful.
I’m a whale today.
All flubbery and whatnot.
Scale treating me well, but this matters not.
Calorific intake has been atrocious.
I blame others for feeding me.
I blame myself, because this is weakness, and I am not weak.
I’m going to make my goal a little harder, round it up to a 20 pound loss. I knew I would, as soon as I said 18 pounds. I was just being a commit-a-phobe and didn’t want to really challenge myself.
Thats pointless. 20 pounds. 108 (?) days. Even that seems a little easy but I’m bargaining for occasionally being less than perfect.
Love you all.
French Politics calls me away.
Posted by Violet at 21:38

4 comments:

  • You will make beautiful music and read beautiful books and sleep under wild free stars with your loves, because you are beautiful. Don’t give up hope Violet. xxx
  • You’ll do anything you want it to, because you are strong and you can reach it all. I’m sure. Love honey.
  • I’m having a blubbery whale day too 😦 We’ll get there babes πŸ™‚ and all the beautiful books and beautiful music in the world will be there to welcome you. xxx
  • i did the same thing when i first started blogging, i was like ” as soon as im down to 118 ill be happy” but in all honesty i just didnt want to be let down if i failed. you are going to get that weight off in 108 days and ill be cheering you on the entire time πŸ™‚ stay strong, meg

link: http://alicemaigrir.blogspot.com/2010/02/blaming-others-is-easier-on-myself.html

~
~

Saturday, 6 February 2010

This is what freedom tastes like

Have been wondering around aimlessly for a few hours, grazing on coffee and grapes, listening to Cat Stevens (above)
For the last 10 months, weekdays have been school, saturdays have been job and sundays have been crazy work catchup.
Then there were exams and the work tripled.
But now exams are over. Of course they were over last weekend too, but I was away and didn’t notice their absense.
So I have no job. School days are now shorter due to new timetable. Am finally on top of my school work, so there’s no crazy panic.
I’ve tidied up, washed up all my coffee mugs. Made my bed, played some piano.
This is bliss. Untimetabled, unscheduled bliss. Even without work, I normally end up scheduled by meals, but at the weekend, when we sleep late and get up later, they become wonky and disjointed and I enjoy that.
Quit your job. Turn off the TV. Come outside with me and we’ll read books and drink tea and pretend to be some Austen figment of imagination.
link: http://alicemaigrir.blogspot.com/2010/02/this-is-what-freedom-tastes-like.html
~
~

Monday, 1 February 2010

A Recap

Hi Guys, long time no posting, or at least by my standards, because I’m completely addicted to this now.
I would LOVE you all to join me in my crazy cat lady castle. How amazing would that be??? When I’m thin, girls, when I’m thin. Not sure when exactly that will be. Ugh.
Anyways, been on holiday over the weekend and there’s been no internet access, but also a lot to blog about which was annoying. I did scribble some stuff down so I can give you all the blow by blow at some later date. Although it mostly consisted of : Restaurant freak outs, swimming costume freak outs, milk freak outs and weight gain freak outs. So y’know, you would be missing much if you missed that post.
The main thing I took away from this holiday is that I am a big fat fatty and baggy clothes can hide a lot of damage but a swimming costume never lies.
The reaction to all of this? I HAVE to lose a lot of weight, very fast.
The plan? (Brief summary)

  • Liquid fasting until 5pm and then solids between 5 and 7, with daily cals at about 800, with DAILY (yes, daily, you big lazy fatty, you) exercise burning off about 200.

I want to lose about 10 pounds, but more would be better. It may not be possible on this plan but I can revise it later.
What I really wanted to do was answer Imperfection’s questions about my current eating plan. Yes, I do have a set eating plan, but it’s pretty complicated so it’d be tedious to explain it all here. About 9 months ago I decided to really try and pack in the nasty binge/purge habit I had going, which followed a period of super heavy restriction. I bought loads of self help books and did the whole shebang and was largely successful. But it made me realize I was never gonna kick this altogether on my own, so I had to compromise in some areas. I wrote out a list of all the foods I would and would not eat, and how much EXACTLY a serving of each was. Then I wrote out a timetable of what days I could eat what, and when.
I had a lot of time on my hands and it turned into a huge thesis on my own rules. Anyways, in reality I plan out each day the night before while consulting the book to make sure I was covering everything. It got pretty detailed, this book of rules, and is the size of a slim novel. I’m aware this is totally overboard but it means I can stay in control without needed to do anything really stupid. I always know where I am. It’s a comfort to me.
So that’s how I choose what to eat each day, but what I eat is actually fairly average. A typical day would be about 900 cals, with lots of coffee, and food would be smoothies, soups, slimfast shakes, fruit, tuna, popcorn, maybe a slice of bread. I tend to eat one main meal in the evening and graze throughout the day on what’s available that’s low calorie.
I hope that answered your question. I can talk about it some more if you’d like, I just love the sound of my own voice, me πŸ™‚ (or typing) I think it’s a pretty good system because I can vary it when required without thinking I’ve fallen off the wagon, which was my biggest binge trigger.
Anyway, have work to do for tomorrow so I’ll catch up with you all later.
Love.

Posted by Violet at 20:12
link: http://alicemaigrir.blogspot.com/2010/02/recap.html
~
~

Monday, 25 January 2010

Sometimes, plans just fail.

Plan to wake up early, and swot up on all the lovely Biology I still had to learn.

Sleep in and read blogs again.

Plan to make soup and eat it with a book, with the radiator and a hot water bottle.

Forget we haven’t been shopping and there are no veggies left after the last soup-making binge. So no soup. And forgot to to turn heating on anyway, so there’s no hot water or radiator anyways.

Eat endless bags of crisps instead. Feel stupid. So eat more.

Planned to do more Maths work afterwards.

Curl up with my stupid distended stomach and Borstal Boy again.
Plan to make dinner and be a perfect little daughter.

Mother informs me that there was almost 1kg of meat in the stew that I served 4 people with. Have no idea what a normal portion looks like anymore. Skip dinner.

Plan to do pliates.

Blog instead.
Have no discipline, clearly. Cannot follow the simplest plan through. Gah. Hate me sometimes.

On a cheery note the Bio exam was pretty easy, but that’s actually pretty frustrating too, because I spent ages revising all the respiration and genetics and there was a single fucking question on that. Just 8 on the environment and natural selection. Fucking AQA.

Yet again, plan for tomorrow, with the full knowledge that planning is clearly futile, but do it anyway. What else is there to do?

Loves.
Am devoid of new literature. Recommendations? Tell me your favourite books, ed related or otherwise. Maybe I’ll post about all the ED lit I’ve read. Because people need to be warned that most of it is shite.
All right, I’m really going now.
Posted by Violet at 19:54

3 comments:

  • I’m currently reading Playing with the Grown-ups by Sophie Dahl, Addition by Toni Jordan, and Bobby Baker’s Redeeming Features of Daily Life, which is an art book about the artist Bobby Baker (duh, obvious much?) but is very interesting… not sure how into art you are, but it’s worth a look, or her website… she does interesting things with food and routines. The other two books are easy reads, but have lovely sad but happy storylines. Oh, or read Poppy Shakespeare, by Clare Allen! There you go. Books! I love books.Β Β Β  And, hope tomorrow is better than today… perhaps plan to do a few things, easy things, that you know you will get done? And then you can cross everything off of your list of things to do, and call the day a success!Β  xo
  • Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. I’m only on page 20 but I’ve scanned through the book and certain parts jumped out at me so I bought it immediately. My favourite line at the moment (page 71) where the author writes to herself: Never forget that once upon a time, in an unguarded moment, you recognised yourself as a friend. My all-time favourite is Gone With The Wind by Margaret Mitchell. (:
link: http://alicemaigrir.blogspot.com/2010/01/plan-to-wake-up-early-and-swot-up-on.html
~
~


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

et cetera
%d bloggers like this: