A Rose with Starry Eyes

{February 24, 2010}   guest star: Laur

An entry from Laur about hiding ana by eating tons of veg…



*i wrote this last night but my internet connection was being screwy so i couldn’t post it. here it is now!*
i hate having to listen to other peoples’ comments about food and weight.
i just want to tell them, “stop bitching about it already and just do something!”.
some of the nurses i work with are having a ‘friendly’ weight loss competition. so they’re all talking about what they eat and going to gym and all that on breaks. and there i am sitting and eating my apple and watermelon slices at coffee break, spinach, cucumber, tomato, and bell pepper salad with red wine vinegar and lunch, then later munching away on celery and carrot sticks and an orange for dinner.
on my first day, two people commented on what i was eating, saying, ‘what salad dressing is that?’ [to which i replied, red wine vinegar and spices‘, to which she replied, ‘that’s all?! so healthy!’, and i said, intelligently, ‘yupp!’] and ‘that’s not enough for a 12 hour shift!’. i smiled sweetly at that one.
my goal is to appear normal in my eating habits. i eat tons of veggies and eat constantly on my breaks. so it looks like i’m taking in a lot, when in reality, it’s maybeeee 350 calories during the entire shift. i commented to my buddy nurse on the fact she wasn’t eating lunch, and asked “man, don’t you get hungry?!” and she said she was saving it for later. which she was. but she doesn’t eat all that much, really. more than me. but not “normal”.
then today she commented, ‘you’re eating so healthy!’ after lamenting the 1000 calorie salad she ordered at a restaurant. i said “oh, i just eat like this at work, so i force myself to eat healthy at least some of the week. i eat junk on my days off…” she said she does the exact same thing.
and so we chatted about how much we loveee mcdonalds [which i actually am disgusted at, i don’t even crave it for binges anymore] and poutine, and burgers…and i told her, “mannn, now i’m craving fries so badly, i’ll have to stop and get some on my way home”. which was easily believed.
i’m a good liar.
i did stop on my way home. i bought oil for my car, diet 7up, an after eight chocolate bar, and all dressed chips – my favourite.
but i’m not going to eat that tonight. i did it as a test of my willpower. they’re sitting right beside me in my backpack. but i have no desire for them right now. i don’t want to ruin my day of good eating. i’ll regret it and hate myself for it when i see a higher number on the scale tomorrow.
sigh. i wonder how long the chips and chocolate will stay in my backpack…
ok i need to stop thinking about them and just drink my diet pop.
goodnight, lovelies.
it’s now the morning after… i don’t want to admit this, but i ended up eating the chocolate bar. 230 cals. because i took it out of my backpack. too much of a temptation. i was just going to stop at one piece of it [40 cal] but i ended up eating the whole thing as i was staying up late watching TV…and after drinking my diet pop…i just gave in. oh well. i burned a TON yesterday at work. over 2500. so i can afford it. even though i didn’t really want to eat it all that much, i did. boo.
Posted by laur. at 10:21
link: http://afightforbeauty.blogspot.com/2010/02/comments.html

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