A Rose with Starry Eyes











{March 12, 2010}   guest stars II

Academic failure trigger….

Friday, 12 March 2010

Fail.

Just to warn you, I’m a little despondant at the moment.
See, I got my exam results yesterday.
Sigh.

I got an A in Biology, but everything else…
Failed.

Everybody keeps telling me to get over it.
They were a little surprised I fucked up so royally, but then it was “Oh, you can resit them in June” and “Oh, you’ll make it up”.

I don’t want to make it up later. I want to be able to get this right first time around. I’m not stupid. This isn’t me, all this failing.

Ever since I can remember I was singled out for being intelligent. I could pass exams. Then at about 16 I got bored of it all. I stopped getting 100% everytime. But it didn’t seem to matter because I was still getting 90% and 80%. Then I found dieting. I was so much better at that anyway.
And then I didn’t mind not being the best, as long as I was still good.

And then …then I had nothing to protect, no reputation to uphold, and it didn’t matter how well I did as long as I was still good.

Now I’m not good. I’m struggling to break into the middle of the pack. I have so much work to do to make up for all this time wasted in lack lustre effort.

I hate that. It’s so daunting.
It feels like I’m losing part of my identity, not being able to get what I want acedmically. I’ve never wanted or needed anything else to define myself outside of school and food.

Love and stuff.

At The Hour Of 15:41
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Violet says:

Could you take this down too? And there are some more about me that I can’t access without a password but I’d like them to be taken down, and any other references to me. I know you haven’t put things up here to be sneaky or mean, but it’s not fair to put up my very personal work without my permission. Up here, anyone can find it by searching my name, unlike my own blog which is protected from that. And you this is ultimately my own work, which you needed to ask me for.

I think it would be a good idea to double check with the other bloggers whose work is up here.



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