A Rose with Starry Eyes











{March 18, 2010}   life updates

First day of work is later on today.

I emailed the official CRON website and the website of a CRON blogger April and asked if they’d be interested in me since I want to go CRON at 18. Still waiting for a reply. (Of course, only works if I get my rich BF. No- when I get my rich BF.) I look at this plus corset plus kettlebell/yoga as my Ultimate Solution. I repeat:

CRON + corset + kettlebell  + yoga = Ultimate Solution

 

…Of course, the thing I look forard to the most is the way the woman whose hubby does intense CRON says that he’s happy all the time. And she says that her anxiety attacks have totally disappeared, that she doesn’t feel hungry, and that she has TONS of energy!!! 🙂

Speaking of rich BF, Bri emailed to tell me that the conjure is starting today. (Thursdays, apparently, are the best days to draw money.) My work also starts today. Coincidence? 😉

I’ll update later with how it goes.



{March 10, 2010}   life update: djab

I feel really good right now. I am planning to re-consecrate the djab later today. I stole matches last night, I already have sage from the Bee, I have holy water, etc. I am ready. I am starting small and working my way up. The djab is not getting a single reward unless he works for it.

It’s important to focus very intently on what it is that you want. Maybe that’s what I haven’t been doing; I’ll just daydream as I ask the djab and it’ll happen for sure! 🙂

It should help my levels of faith if I remind myself of how powerful and happy to serve they are. One woman asked the djab to make a target miserable, and a car ended up running into the front of the house of the target. (It’s important to be specific!) But that’s just a great example of their power; if a newly-given djab can cause a car crash, then why couldn’t it get dad to give me an allowance or reset my body weight as Shiney gets fatter?

I’m currently plotting what to ask for first. Perhaps just finding 10 dollars on the ground? Here are my brainstorms thus far:

  1. Find $10 on the ground.
  2. Get 50 followers on blogger in a week
  3. Make dad give me an allowance/ randomly give me $
  4. Better rankings at forensics
  5. Assist in rich boyfriend conjure
  6. Win writing competition with a cash prize
  7. Shiney revenge:
    1. “make her miserable”
    2. compel her to shave her head
    3. make her get horrible grades, all Ds and Cs.
    4. make her ravenous to eat; gains weight til she’s 180 pounds
    5. for her to get so paranoid about her friends betraying her that she hurts them before they can hurt her. (Rach, Xang, Mr. Co-Dependent, the twins, Gina, etc.) she becomes so mean that she permanently loses all her friends.
  8. Lose weight:
    1. faster metabolism
    2. completely kill my desire to eat; NO appetite left
    3. make me LOVE exercise; obsessive exerciser
    4. put my body’s set point weight at 120 pounds
  9. Eyecolor change

 



Truly Random Stuff Goes First

  • My blog now has 22 followers and I have devoted myself to answering each of their questions. They’re all really cool! 🙂
  • I’m starting the Shangri-La diet.
  • My bro’s GF Hally finally kissed him. 🙂
  • I dropped off dad’s shirt & the conjure money at the Bee and I’ll get an update in a week. Mom even came in with me and talked to the woman, and she later commented on how empathetic and sensitive she was.

Plans for Future Wealthy BF

What I need him to get me for college:

  • conjure to get into first choice college ( UWMadison or Berkley)
  • credit card in my name that he pays for (covers food, corsets, collapsible bike, dinair makeup, etsy stuff, clothes, gas, etc.)
  • my tuition (esimated $20,00 according to here: http://www.admissions.wisc.edu/costs.php)
  • pays for housing (dorms? sorority house? rent someplace?)
  • a “smart car; the new 2010 Toyota IQ (priced $13,000 to $17,500)
  • mac laptop ($1000)
  • trip to Brazil to get nose job, chemical peel, smartlipo

According to the conjure lady, I have to choose the top 7 qualities for the guy I want. Originally I wanted someone to sweep me off my feet, all charismatic and gorgeous, but now I realize a less social guy would be easier to bag…. Here are my top ideas:

  1. LOVES to spoil me
  2. good conversationalist
  3. wealthy & generous
  4. falls head-over-heels in love with me
  5. would do anything to make me happy
  6. travels a lot and LOVES to take me with!
  7. he makes the first move (pursues me, asks me out, thinks it’s cute I’m shy/inexperienced.)

Stuff from Today

  • Cool new rewards idea: I can get a self-published book of my ana writing! Like fave thinspos, lists, entries, etc.  That way I’m not reliant on technology and it looks legitimate. All my creative writings put together, all my triggers, like a legitimate ana Bible. A portable trigger.
  • Shiney did her makeup that asinine way again, sort of an Egyptian liquid eyeliner look. I can’t wait to be thinner than her and show her what fashionable REALLY looks like….
  • I think my goal is to reach 120 by the end of the school year. I won’t consider weight to be lost until I need new clothes.

I got the job at Culver’s!!!

  • The guy who hired me said that they had literally 1,000 people applying, and were getting 35 online applications per day. NO idea WHY he hired me of all people, but he did! 😀 I guess it pays minimum wage, but I can save up and buy conjures and corsets and etc; my first conjure obviously will be the one for a wealthy BF, since he’ll be the gift that keeps on giving! XD
  • I have my first day this Thursday; it’s an orientation. I think I get paid for that too…

Things I Need to Buy at Sentry’s

They’re having a huge sale at Sentry’s by my house and I need to stock up before the good stuff is gone. The best thing they’re selling is the boxes of flavored low-cal drink packets which are usually WAY expensive but the new off-brands sell for a dollar for 12!!!! 🙂

  • off-brand low-cal drink packets (cherry and lemonade)
  • boxes of gauze (for S.I., a la Alice)
  • bottle of Hydrogen Peroxide (anti-septic to clean cuts,under $1)

I also need to shoplift some stuff, since I have less than $20 left. I should get:

  • Hello Kitty band-aids (very Shiney! so additional trigger there.)
  • vitamins/spices
  • lighter/matches
  • fiber products
  • cheap, tiny notepad

Another Big Trigger: S.I.

Alright, the Alice cut in the movie REALLY triggered me. To make me remember that I am becoming like her, I am planning to walk to the local college library and do an almost ceremonial 3 cuts to my left arm in that one abandoned bathroom; I’ll use the Shiney-esque exactoblade, then the hot-stinging Hydrogen Peroxide and finally wrap the gauzy banadges the way Alice did in the movie.

Additional S.I./trigger ideas;

  • burning tongue with hot water to cut down on food consumption
  • something with fire, like a cigarette burn


{March 6, 2010}   Reading
  • I may draw a stable, employed man but he may not have AS much money as I wanted, but he’ll make very decent money, possibly upper middle class or lower upper class. (it’s not a multi-millionaire but I think it’s enough for me to be spoiled.)
  • there’s a possibility that he may have commitment issues down the road.
  • there’s a lot of conjure work that can be done on my side, especially with Come To Me Bath packets
  • she remembers a 7, so the conjure will optimistically happen within 7 days, or else 7 weeks or 7 months.
  • her first step will be to do a 7 knob candle spell for me over the course of a week. it’ll cost $60.
  • a mojo bag might be recommended after the candle is burned.


{March 3, 2010}   life updates

Everybody Hates Shiney

Today in Enviro Sci, I found out that I am not the only one who loves to scoff at Shiney. Two girls who sit next tome hate the bitch too, especially one I’ll call Krissy. When Shiney went over by the chinchillas cage to try to pick one up and cuddle with it, it ran like hell to the other side of the cage and hid in its igloo. Krissy and her friend cracked up as Shiney tried to shrug and casually walk back to her desk, pretending not to be bothered that a small animal is terrified of her face.

When Miller walked by, Shiney tried to say something to her, but Miller couldn’t hear and just kept walking, so Shiney just sort of shut up mid-sentence; Krissy cackled again.

Later on in the class period, I knew they were definitely making fun of her because they said her name, and Krissy said something about seeing her at the mall with a teacher and how the teacher had to squat down just to talk to her. Krissy and friend laughed again.

Another random Shiney note: she decided to be all “unique” today and wear a hideous glittery gold VEST. When she came up to the table this morning in the caf  to give Xang a hug, I went “OMG! There’s a giant gold leprauchan behind you!” She looked HORRIBLE. And I heard her talkling sheepishly to her other “fashionista”-wannabe friend saying that “she brought a hoodie with in case she chooses to cover it up later…” fashion disaster much? XD

My Fitness Goals

Here are my caloric burning projections on the elliptical (intensity 10).

  • 30 minutes = 400 calories
  • 60 minutes = 1,000 calories
  • 130 minutes = 2, 454 calories

Needless to say, my new goal is to alternate 1 and 2 hours on the elliptical daily on intensity 10. If I can start checking DVDs out of the library that are historic and long, like biopics or documentaries, then I can literally go the whole time without having to get off the elliptical! 🙂 Also, I can watch old PBS News episodes online and PBS documentaries via Hulu.

If I can reach my goal every day, I can burn 8.5 pounds total on the 2 hour days & 4 pounds total on the 1 hour days. At the projected calorie burning rate, I can burn off 12.5 pounds of fat in a month. This means that by the end of the month, my weight should go from 150 to 138 pounds.

Also, I did 130 minutes on the elliptical, or 1 hour and 40 minutes total. on intensity of 10. This burned 2,454 calories total, according to the machine!!

My Monetary Situation

Last night, my brother agreed to lend me money to pay the BF conjure as long as I agree to pay him off in 6 months. I promised I will as long as the woman even agrees to accept my case – I hope she will!!!

Also, I have an interveiw for the ice-cream place on Sunday. A part time job would be good to tide me over while I wait the month or two for the conjure to kick in… Plus the customers at the ice-cream place will probably serve as some pretty kick-ass reverse thinspo! 😉

Hexing Shiney

When I finally get to hex SHiney, I am going to have SOOOO much fun with it.  I’ve decided upon a skull candle and a doll baby ro make it happen. Here’ws my list of things to do:

  1. Shave head like Sinaed O’Connor!
  2. convince her that Mr. Co-dependent is her soulmate and she MUST seduce him
  3. tell her doll-baby that there is a void in her life that can only be filled by eating; she is constantly hungry, she can never stop thinking about how much she wants food… make her seriously fat!!
  4. make her paranoid that all her friends are against her and she has to destroy their lives first
  5. for her to have trouble focusing on final exams, standardized testing
  6. make her smash her iphone out of anger
  7. convince her that Rach and Xang are the cause of all her problems and if she’s mean to them, they’ll go away.
  8. melt dripping wax on the doll-baby’s face so she gets REALLY bad acne
  9. for her to cyber-bully Xang, Rach, Mallory, Mr. Co-Dependent’s ex-GF, etc.
  10. get her to start wearing that horrible “face-paint” eyeliner again (especially right after she shaves her head!)
  11. for her to friend me back on LJ and make it possible to read everything she writes, a catalogue of her miseries and binges.


{March 2, 2010}   random life updates

Conjure Update

I emailed Miss Bri last night and sent her $10 for a 10 minute reading via Paypal. We have a reading scheduled for this Friday at 4PM. If the reading is positive, she’ll be willing to take on my case and do a conjure; worst come to worst, I’ll borrow some from my brother or sell my stuff for money. I’m really nervous about the outcome, because frankly, I want a sugardaddy. I’m trying not to think too much about it in case I psych myself out, but… I hope she says yes. Because if she doesn’t, I will have to pay someone else for a reading. And if they say no, I don’t know what I’ll do.

EDIT: Also, the woman on the forum who worked her first conjure for the same purpose I want this one emailed me back and said she’s willing to look over my rough list of traits! So hurray for feedback.

BTW: I had my interview at Culver’s icecream and it went well, but I’ll probably need to do another since the guy who usually does them is out.

Xang’s BF

Just found out that today before school Xang’s BF Gasmask took some type of pills with wine. AAARGH. This guy is so sweet to her but has such obviously bad habits! But he said he’ll be willing to stop taking pills if Xang will stop cutting herself. (I thought she had stopped for a while, but apparently started back up again.)

Also, Xang and I are supposed to hang out on Friday since it’s early release. 🙂 We’re going to the thrift shop and possibly to the local college cafe for coffee.

My Blogspot Blog

My blogspot now has 15 followers, most of whom regularly comment on my posts. I got 6 within the last 24 hours!!!! I need to branch out and read other people’s blogs more often….

Once I Get Home…

Once I get home I am SO making myself an egg omlette with tuna mixed in and possibly vegetables with a side of frozen fruit with cinnamon sprinkled on top. YUMMMMMMY!!!

EDIT: Just fnished the egg omlette with tuna and, while it wasn’t TOTALLY scrumptious, adding tuna to an omlette is a GREAT way to camouflage the fishy taste. 2 eggs and half a can of tuna (70 cal per egg, 70 cal per half tuna can) are 210 calories, and for what’s probably more than your daily serving of protein, it’s a very filling, low-cal meal.



{March 2, 2010}   new conjurework

So, I’ve decided to get a conjureworking for a wealthy, generous BF. I’ve contacted someone to do the conjure, and I just sent in a $10 paypal deposit for a 10 minute reading. She hasn’t agreed to do the conjure itself, but the fact that she took on the reading I hope will be promising. The only things she might see in the reading against it would be my age and possibly my motives….? But my motives are pretty plain: I want a generous, wealthy guy with a lot of disposable income who I’m attracted to and compatible with who will fall head-over-heels for me and spoil me. Hopefully she agrees to do the conjure, or else I’m out 10 bucks….



Alright. So let me first start off by talking about what annoyed me the most today: Xang. She was really bitchy about me doing a water fast. I mean, I knew she would be weird about it since she’s an ex-Mia only a few months out of recovery, but she went above and BEYOND passive-aggressive. She was out of line. And she didn’t just say I shouldn’t for health reasons or express doubt at my abilities, she basically implied I’m a hypocrite and a crazy person who has insane expectations. Here’s the excerpt:

Rose: I’m on Day 1 of my water fast!

comments:

Caiti: why? you could get really sick from that..

Rose: no, you couldn’t. it doesn’t mean not drinking water, it means consuming ONLY water. people have been doing this for ages, and it’s a great way to flush toxins out of your body that have been accumulating since birth, and it’s also a great way to start a vegan lifestyle, which I plan on doing. plus, after day 3 I’m buying myself a bracelet and the proceeds go to starving children in ethiopia. it’s an awareness fast.

Xang: I love how you imply that Caiti’s stupid and doesn’t know what you’re talking about. Caiti- I don’t think you’re stupid.

my Bro: lol I do!

Caiti: i know what it is. and yes it may wash out your toxins. and your nutrients too. do what you want. but you don’t need to lose weight. youre perfect as you are (:

Xang: I just kind of wonder what happened to ‘veganism inconveiniences the people around you’ and ‘I’m going to eat turkey now, and steal lunches from innocent freshman, because I’m too ‘selfless’ to have my mom go out and buy me a specefic brand of granola bar.’

Rose: hey Xang? GO FUCK YOURSELF. There are so many things wrong with that sentence I’m not even going to bother correcting your dumbass mouth.

And also, Caiti, I wasn’t sure if you knew what it was since when I mentioned it to the female gym teacher last year, who I consider to be a health expert, she didn’t know what it was.

Then I posted this message to her wall:

“What you just commented was SO disrespectful. I respect your personal decisions and challenges as a friend, and if you’re ACTUALLY my friend, I consider it reasonable that you do the same.”

I, so far, have had no response.

All I want to say is here: I am willing to be vegan because i am willing to push myself beyond the boundaries I saw previously. Also, I need an excuse to turn down all the fatty foods that Xang would probably suck down like a Hoover. As for the “selfless”-ness due to not execting my mom to drive miles out of her way in horrible weather to buy me a pack of fucking clif bars, yeah, that actually was pretty high-minded of me. And the freshman dude who keeps giving me his turkey sandwhichs does so because he doesn’t want to eat them. It has NOTHING to do with his “innocence”. So FUCK THAT SHIT. I won’t go into it unless she says something passive-aggressive in response to my post.

It’s weird, too, because it’s such a HUGE about-face from where our friendship started. When i told her I was starting a juice fast back then, she got all concerned and asked me not to push myself too far, comparing me to the Sainted Schiz who, of course was an ana. But if I go that direction, I’m a loon. *rolls eyes*

Our relationship is a lot different now from when it first began; I think she was more loyal, didn’t take me for granted, and even maybe cared more. She was more concerned. Not to mention how passive-aggressive this whole “recovery” thing has made her! It’s like she looks at me like a total moron for accomplishing what she never could have accomplished. The friendship is SO unbalanced now. She takes me for granted SO fucking much. I miss us making fun of Shiney behind her back, I miss us being immature without her looking down on me, I miss her actually listening to my problems. Deborah at the Bee mentioned something today about how susceptible people are to dream influence, and maybe that’s a solution; for the future, obviously. For now, I’ve got bigger fish to fry.

The fact that she would text her BF with something as painfully mean and spiteful as “If all my friends were like Rose, I would kill myself!”, and then LIE to my face about it during Drama as Lit saying she’d “never texted him mentioning me”! That BITCH. Newsflash? If all her friends were like me, then they’d be a lot more loyal, supportive, funny, and she’d probably be healthier.

Well, her bitchy attempt at sabotage failed. Not only did it fail, but it backfired, because this has made me even MORE determined. I will NOT be weak like she was. I will NOT give in to the lure of fatty processed SHIT. You eat shit, you become shit. You eat like a pig, and you ARE a pig. She’s always complaining about how so many E.D. resources glamourize anorexia like it involves so much self-control, like they’re superior martyrs and bulimics are barfing selfish pigs with no willpower, but…  well, if the shoe fits! Like she can cave so many times and still consider herself equal to anas. She obviously has a complex. She’s probably jealous about me skipping lunches to exercise, eating only a clif bar for lunch, looking so much slimmer now, my sheer determination to make it in the entertainment industry, to be better than before. And now that i’m water fasting, something she has probably NEVER managed to do in her entire piggy LIFE – she’s obviously jealous. Even back when she was dieting she would bring along MASSIVE bags of celery to lunch and just crunchcrunchcrunch, as though even “zero calorie foods” had to be eaten in epic proportions. Where’s her direction in life?

~
~
~
OK, now on to news about the Bee. I went with Janis, Zen, and Janis’ BF. (Zen drove.) I got a reading from Deb that revealed some things I already knew (esp. the fact that my dad is incredibly selfish), and in the end we decided that a hotfoot spell would be best. I paid her $40 upfront and need to bring the rest of it on Wednesday the 17th along with a personal item of dad’s. Janis’ BF seemed kind of weird at first but then he seemed really cool, and i might have almost liked him until I found out they were together. (Since October, but apparently “it’s complicated”.) After we were done at the Bee, we went to Beans & Barley, a vegetarian and vegan restaurant (organic, free-trade, local, etc) that inspired me even more in 2 ways. One way in that
I am DETERMINED to make enough money in showbiz to buy whatever foods I want and have MASSIVE chew-spit binges as well as follow a diet of raw foods one day, one gourmet meal the next day. The other way is that I was around amazing gourmet food constantly and never ONCE actually ate anything. I just had several glasses of icewater and a small glass of cranberry juice. It was really good. Everyone else ordered things like burritos, sandwiches (one was egg and the other panini, I think), & some type of portobello mushroom burger. There were unfinished pickles and tortilla chips and guacamole and stuff, but i ONLY had water. (And the cranberry juice, which is a diuretic and therefore works on the cleanse; plus it’s my first day and i deserve a treat!) Then for desserts, they had a flourless vegan chocolate cake (very rich, apparently), and Janis’ BF had a GIANT slice of chocolate cream coconut pie. OMG IT LOOKED HEAVENLY. A thick layer of whipped cream, chocolate shavings…. mmmmmmmm. I’m not going to lie, it looked ORGASMIC. But I didn’t have ANY. I didn’t even have a second glass of cranberry juice. I couldn’t believe my own will power! Zen and her sister were even passing the slice of rich flourless vegan chocolate cake directly under my nose as they shared bites between them, and I never once cracked although I DID find myself subconsiously reaching for the uneaten chips or almost asking to taste someone’s food without even REALIZING it. I never once complained, though. (The adderall I took this morning probably – no, DEFINITELY had something to do with that!) 😉



et cetera