A Rose with Starry Eyes











Truly Random Stuff Goes First

  • My blog now has 22 followers and I have devoted myself to answering each of their questions. They’re all really cool! 🙂
  • I’m starting the Shangri-La diet.
  • My bro’s GF Hally finally kissed him. 🙂
  • I dropped off dad’s shirt & the conjure money at the Bee and I’ll get an update in a week. Mom even came in with me and talked to the woman, and she later commented on how empathetic and sensitive she was.

Plans for Future Wealthy BF

What I need him to get me for college:

  • conjure to get into first choice college ( UWMadison or Berkley)
  • credit card in my name that he pays for (covers food, corsets, collapsible bike, dinair makeup, etsy stuff, clothes, gas, etc.)
  • my tuition (esimated $20,00 according to here: http://www.admissions.wisc.edu/costs.php)
  • pays for housing (dorms? sorority house? rent someplace?)
  • a “smart car; the new 2010 Toyota IQ (priced $13,000 to $17,500)
  • mac laptop ($1000)
  • trip to Brazil to get nose job, chemical peel, smartlipo

According to the conjure lady, I have to choose the top 7 qualities for the guy I want. Originally I wanted someone to sweep me off my feet, all charismatic and gorgeous, but now I realize a less social guy would be easier to bag…. Here are my top ideas:

  1. LOVES to spoil me
  2. good conversationalist
  3. wealthy & generous
  4. falls head-over-heels in love with me
  5. would do anything to make me happy
  6. travels a lot and LOVES to take me with!
  7. he makes the first move (pursues me, asks me out, thinks it’s cute I’m shy/inexperienced.)

Stuff from Today

  • Cool new rewards idea: I can get a self-published book of my ana writing! Like fave thinspos, lists, entries, etc.  That way I’m not reliant on technology and it looks legitimate. All my creative writings put together, all my triggers, like a legitimate ana Bible. A portable trigger.
  • Shiney did her makeup that asinine way again, sort of an Egyptian liquid eyeliner look. I can’t wait to be thinner than her and show her what fashionable REALLY looks like….
  • I think my goal is to reach 120 by the end of the school year. I won’t consider weight to be lost until I need new clothes.

I got the job at Culver’s!!!

  • The guy who hired me said that they had literally 1,000 people applying, and were getting 35 online applications per day. NO idea WHY he hired me of all people, but he did! 😀 I guess it pays minimum wage, but I can save up and buy conjures and corsets and etc; my first conjure obviously will be the one for a wealthy BF, since he’ll be the gift that keeps on giving! XD
  • I have my first day this Thursday; it’s an orientation. I think I get paid for that too…

Things I Need to Buy at Sentry’s

They’re having a huge sale at Sentry’s by my house and I need to stock up before the good stuff is gone. The best thing they’re selling is the boxes of flavored low-cal drink packets which are usually WAY expensive but the new off-brands sell for a dollar for 12!!!! 🙂

  • off-brand low-cal drink packets (cherry and lemonade)
  • boxes of gauze (for S.I., a la Alice)
  • bottle of Hydrogen Peroxide (anti-septic to clean cuts,under $1)

I also need to shoplift some stuff, since I have less than $20 left. I should get:

  • Hello Kitty band-aids (very Shiney! so additional trigger there.)
  • vitamins/spices
  • lighter/matches
  • fiber products
  • cheap, tiny notepad

Another Big Trigger: S.I.

Alright, the Alice cut in the movie REALLY triggered me. To make me remember that I am becoming like her, I am planning to walk to the local college library and do an almost ceremonial 3 cuts to my left arm in that one abandoned bathroom; I’ll use the Shiney-esque exactoblade, then the hot-stinging Hydrogen Peroxide and finally wrap the gauzy banadges the way Alice did in the movie.

Additional S.I./trigger ideas;

  • burning tongue with hot water to cut down on food consumption
  • something with fire, like a cigarette burn


{March 8, 2010}   jewlery wishes

Really Awesome Necklaces from Etsy including: Gore Whore, Gold Star, and Mermaid’s Heart.

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{March 2, 2010}   random life updates

Conjure Update

I emailed Miss Bri last night and sent her $10 for a 10 minute reading via Paypal. We have a reading scheduled for this Friday at 4PM. If the reading is positive, she’ll be willing to take on my case and do a conjure; worst come to worst, I’ll borrow some from my brother or sell my stuff for money. I’m really nervous about the outcome, because frankly, I want a sugardaddy. I’m trying not to think too much about it in case I psych myself out, but… I hope she says yes. Because if she doesn’t, I will have to pay someone else for a reading. And if they say no, I don’t know what I’ll do.

EDIT: Also, the woman on the forum who worked her first conjure for the same purpose I want this one emailed me back and said she’s willing to look over my rough list of traits! So hurray for feedback.

BTW: I had my interview at Culver’s icecream and it went well, but I’ll probably need to do another since the guy who usually does them is out.

Xang’s BF

Just found out that today before school Xang’s BF Gasmask took some type of pills with wine. AAARGH. This guy is so sweet to her but has such obviously bad habits! But he said he’ll be willing to stop taking pills if Xang will stop cutting herself. (I thought she had stopped for a while, but apparently started back up again.)

Also, Xang and I are supposed to hang out on Friday since it’s early release. 🙂 We’re going to the thrift shop and possibly to the local college cafe for coffee.

My Blogspot Blog

My blogspot now has 15 followers, most of whom regularly comment on my posts. I got 6 within the last 24 hours!!!! I need to branch out and read other people’s blogs more often….

Once I Get Home…

Once I get home I am SO making myself an egg omlette with tuna mixed in and possibly vegetables with a side of frozen fruit with cinnamon sprinkled on top. YUMMMMMMY!!!

EDIT: Just fnished the egg omlette with tuna and, while it wasn’t TOTALLY scrumptious, adding tuna to an omlette is a GREAT way to camouflage the fishy taste. 2 eggs and half a can of tuna (70 cal per egg, 70 cal per half tuna can) are 210 calories, and for what’s probably more than your daily serving of protein, it’s a very filling, low-cal meal.



{February 26, 2010}   binged last night. ashamed.

I binged last night. I need support. I had a really bad binge last night. I was doing the best I’ve done in years, and now it’s ALL GONE. I’m too ashamed to even say what I ate….

I am SO ashamed. I was doing SO well, better than I’ve done in a while, and then I just LOST it. I’m not even going to TALK about what I ate because it’s so shameful…. Anyways, my binge was so bad that I had a panic attack right before my college class. I couldn’t stop crying, so I skipped my exam & went to the library nearby and ended up finding an abandoned bathroom I didn’t even know was there. I was so desperate that I considered harming myself, but there was nothing sharp. Stabbing myself in the arm with a pen seemed ridiculous. So I ended up taking $20 to a locally-owned art store and purchasing a $4 exacto-blade. Here’s a pic:

~

 I didn’t use it, because by that time I’d calmed down. But I feel powerful just knowing it’s at home, in my brown paper bag, & only I know it’s there. If I binge again, I’ll feel the sting. If I don’t have self-discipline, I’ll USE self-discipline. I know it sounds sick, and it totally is, but for once in my life, I want to accomplish something. I’ve never done S.I. before, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

~

I’ve been coping with EDNOS since 6th grade and I was just beginning to see results. I’m not giving up now. I need to remind myself: This is not something that will just HAPPEN to you. This is something you need utter dedication for, something you WILL see results from if you stick with it. For once in your fucking worthless life, finish something.

~

From now on, I will be more strict. I will take my adderall twice a day. I will go on the elliptical for at least an hour & do pilates every night. I will spend a lot of time at the library and almost never be home. I will guzzle hot tea and take cinnamon capsules. I will fine. I will be thin. I will do this.



{February 24, 2010}   Lindsay Lohan randomness

An in-depth look at Lindsay Lohan as a thinspo icon, a tragic beauty, a Marilyn Monroe-wannabe, an adderall abuser, “ana girl”, her self-destructive affairs, her tattoos, & her parallels to Shiney….

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{February 23, 2010}   Shiney updates

OK, so basically when I told Xang this morning that Shiney is still crash-dieting, abusing her meds and eating goldfish crackers, she revealed to me that Shiney is also still cutting. Apparently she stopped for a while when she was still with her old BF (he took away her scissors – ikr, she uses scissors to cut!), but she’s back again. I mentioned I was surprised that she didn’t use an exacto-blade, and Xang said that she likes to carry around sharp things, even if she only uses scissors. We both agreed that it’s weird that I knew she crash-dieted and Xang knew that she did S.I., but neither of us knew the other’s info, although apparently Xang told Shiney NOT to tell her is she WAS crash-dieting. So, Shiney really still IS a wannarexic. *Sigh* Apparently you can tell when she cuts from when she wears those asinine arm bands that cover her wrists; and here I always thought it was a rumor that those were for cutters….

I am, of course, am taking this as a personal challenge. If Shiney really DOES still struggle with this stuff, then won’t it just kill her to see me succeeding while she stagnates and fails? Especially if I choose to make my E.D. public; there are a lot of ways of doing it so that it’s subtle but not overlooked by everyone. I could see a specializing therapist or check into recovery (though I wouldn’t want to gain the weight back!), or I could try to model or something. Or I could fast publicly, make an announcement and ask for donations to a fund. The key to having attention from therapy yet not truly having to change my patterns would be: (1) making sure my shrink doesn’t know I abuse adderall – or else I’ll never be able to get a prescription again! , (2) making sure they don’t find out about the blog or my other blog, or my online thinspo collections, and (3) not gaining too much weight back, of course. And also not letting them knows my triggers, specifically my anti-Shiney/personal challenge, competitive trigger….

I almost feel proud of myself, in a twisted way, that I picked up on this so quick and realized she was back in her old rut within a week or two of it coming into my mind. (Esp. when you consider that Xang and Rach were both withholding insider info.) When I see Rach next, I’m going to ask her if she knows that Shiney is cutting…

~

EDIT:

Alright, so yeah, Rach knew. And she thought it was funny that I was the last to know everything. I think she also said it didn’t matter or something like that; I said it did because I didn’t know she was still sick, I thought she’d gotten better, and Rach replied that Xang had “always been sick”. I said “well what about middle school?” and Rach just sort of shrugged, like she’d been less sick but only less, not anything like a regular person.

I also asked Xang about Shiney mentioning suicide; at one point she had told me about cutting herself form collarbone to groin so she could see her inside, and Xang said she’d been told that too, only it was so that she would make a beautiful/interesting corpse. Xang actually agreed with me on how ridiculous it was; apparently Shiney flips out whenever there are needles or blood. (So why the fuck does she cut herself?!)



et cetera