A Rose with Starry Eyes











Alright. So let me first start off by talking about what annoyed me the most today: Xang. She was really bitchy about me doing a water fast. I mean, I knew she would be weird about it since she’s an ex-Mia only a few months out of recovery, but she went above and BEYOND passive-aggressive. She was out of line. And she didn’t just say I shouldn’t for health reasons or express doubt at my abilities, she basically implied I’m a hypocrite and a crazy person who has insane expectations. Here’s the excerpt:

Rose: I’m on Day 1 of my water fast!

comments:

Caiti: why? you could get really sick from that..

Rose: no, you couldn’t. it doesn’t mean not drinking water, it means consuming ONLY water. people have been doing this for ages, and it’s a great way to flush toxins out of your body that have been accumulating since birth, and it’s also a great way to start a vegan lifestyle, which I plan on doing. plus, after day 3 I’m buying myself a bracelet and the proceeds go to starving children in ethiopia. it’s an awareness fast.

Xang: I love how you imply that Caiti’s stupid and doesn’t know what you’re talking about. Caiti- I don’t think you’re stupid.

my Bro: lol I do!

Caiti: i know what it is. and yes it may wash out your toxins. and your nutrients too. do what you want. but you don’t need to lose weight. youre perfect as you are (:

Xang: I just kind of wonder what happened to ‘veganism inconveiniences the people around you’ and ‘I’m going to eat turkey now, and steal lunches from innocent freshman, because I’m too ‘selfless’ to have my mom go out and buy me a specefic brand of granola bar.’

Rose: hey Xang? GO FUCK YOURSELF. There are so many things wrong with that sentence I’m not even going to bother correcting your dumbass mouth.

And also, Caiti, I wasn’t sure if you knew what it was since when I mentioned it to the female gym teacher last year, who I consider to be a health expert, she didn’t know what it was.

Then I posted this message to her wall:

“What you just commented was SO disrespectful. I respect your personal decisions and challenges as a friend, and if you’re ACTUALLY my friend, I consider it reasonable that you do the same.”

I, so far, have had no response.

All I want to say is here: I am willing to be vegan because i am willing to push myself beyond the boundaries I saw previously. Also, I need an excuse to turn down all the fatty foods that Xang would probably suck down like a Hoover. As for the “selfless”-ness due to not execting my mom to drive miles out of her way in horrible weather to buy me a pack of fucking clif bars, yeah, that actually was pretty high-minded of me. And the freshman dude who keeps giving me his turkey sandwhichs does so because he doesn’t want to eat them. It has NOTHING to do with his “innocence”. So FUCK THAT SHIT. I won’t go into it unless she says something passive-aggressive in response to my post.

It’s weird, too, because it’s such a HUGE about-face from where our friendship started. When i told her I was starting a juice fast back then, she got all concerned and asked me not to push myself too far, comparing me to the Sainted Schiz who, of course was an ana. But if I go that direction, I’m a loon. *rolls eyes*

Our relationship is a lot different now from when it first began; I think she was more loyal, didn’t take me for granted, and even maybe cared more. She was more concerned. Not to mention how passive-aggressive this whole “recovery” thing has made her! It’s like she looks at me like a total moron for accomplishing what she never could have accomplished. The friendship is SO unbalanced now. She takes me for granted SO fucking much. I miss us making fun of Shiney behind her back, I miss us being immature without her looking down on me, I miss her actually listening to my problems. Deborah at the Bee mentioned something today about how susceptible people are to dream influence, and maybe that’s a solution; for the future, obviously. For now, I’ve got bigger fish to fry.

The fact that she would text her BF with something as painfully mean and spiteful as “If all my friends were like Rose, I would kill myself!”, and then LIE to my face about it during Drama as Lit saying she’d “never texted him mentioning me”! That BITCH. Newsflash? If all her friends were like me, then they’d be a lot more loyal, supportive, funny, and she’d probably be healthier.

Well, her bitchy attempt at sabotage failed. Not only did it fail, but it backfired, because this has made me even MORE determined. I will NOT be weak like she was. I will NOT give in to the lure of fatty processed SHIT. You eat shit, you become shit. You eat like a pig, and you ARE a pig. She’s always complaining about how so many E.D. resources glamourize anorexia like it involves so much self-control, like they’re superior martyrs and bulimics are barfing selfish pigs with no willpower, but…  well, if the shoe fits! Like she can cave so many times and still consider herself equal to anas. She obviously has a complex. She’s probably jealous about me skipping lunches to exercise, eating only a clif bar for lunch, looking so much slimmer now, my sheer determination to make it in the entertainment industry, to be better than before. And now that i’m water fasting, something she has probably NEVER managed to do in her entire piggy LIFE – she’s obviously jealous. Even back when she was dieting she would bring along MASSIVE bags of celery to lunch and just crunchcrunchcrunch, as though even “zero calorie foods” had to be eaten in epic proportions. Where’s her direction in life?

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OK, now on to news about the Bee. I went with Janis, Zen, and Janis’ BF. (Zen drove.) I got a reading from Deb that revealed some things I already knew (esp. the fact that my dad is incredibly selfish), and in the end we decided that a hotfoot spell would be best. I paid her $40 upfront and need to bring the rest of it on Wednesday the 17th along with a personal item of dad’s. Janis’ BF seemed kind of weird at first but then he seemed really cool, and i might have almost liked him until I found out they were together. (Since October, but apparently “it’s complicated”.) After we were done at the Bee, we went to Beans & Barley, a vegetarian and vegan restaurant (organic, free-trade, local, etc) that inspired me even more in 2 ways. One way in that
I am DETERMINED to make enough money in showbiz to buy whatever foods I want and have MASSIVE chew-spit binges as well as follow a diet of raw foods one day, one gourmet meal the next day. The other way is that I was around amazing gourmet food constantly and never ONCE actually ate anything. I just had several glasses of icewater and a small glass of cranberry juice. It was really good. Everyone else ordered things like burritos, sandwiches (one was egg and the other panini, I think), & some type of portobello mushroom burger. There were unfinished pickles and tortilla chips and guacamole and stuff, but i ONLY had water. (And the cranberry juice, which is a diuretic and therefore works on the cleanse; plus it’s my first day and i deserve a treat!) Then for desserts, they had a flourless vegan chocolate cake (very rich, apparently), and Janis’ BF had a GIANT slice of chocolate cream coconut pie. OMG IT LOOKED HEAVENLY. A thick layer of whipped cream, chocolate shavings…. mmmmmmmm. I’m not going to lie, it looked ORGASMIC. But I didn’t have ANY. I didn’t even have a second glass of cranberry juice. I couldn’t believe my own will power! Zen and her sister were even passing the slice of rich flourless vegan chocolate cake directly under my nose as they shared bites between them, and I never once cracked although I DID find myself subconsiously reaching for the uneaten chips or almost asking to taste someone’s food without even REALIZING it. I never once complained, though. (The adderall I took this morning probably – no, DEFINITELY had something to do with that!) 😉



{February 11, 2010}   Facebook Reverse Thinspo!

OK, So there’s a girl I knew in middleschool who I recently reconnected with on facebook. I was so psyched to have finished my stair-runs, I posted a status, and this is her response:

Rose JUST RAN 40 FLIGHTS OF STAIRS TOTAL. Take THAT, banana bread! 😀

comments: Nikki: i just ate 6 out of 8 pieces of a frozen pizza… and what did i do???? washed it down with an orange soda! take that food stuck in my esophagus!

Rose: I’m jealous, actually. My family never has soda and orange soda has the most sugar of them all! You must be on SUCH a sugar high.

Nikki: lol nahhhhhh im used to it by now bahahaha

….WOW. WHAT a fatass! That’s the thing about some of the best thinspo ever: it comes from real-life people eating a typical American diet. What a hog!

And as a bones, here’s a reverse thinspo I found online- holy SHIT. It’s like the sickest thing, and the music is great to make you wonder what people secretly think of you.

Fat Sweaty Betty by the Insane Clown Posse ~ Reverse Thinspo

https://i1.wp.com/lee.org/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/05/25.jpg

Personally, I like to picture SHINEY as the one on the far left!!! XD



{February 10, 2010}   attention whore evidence!

Beneath this cut are the demented ramblings of a very Shiney wannarexic. They’re funny, frustrating, but above all? …Triggering.

(as you read these, remember: you can get what she wanted most by being who she wasn’t able to be.)

(the best revenge is living well.)

Read the rest of this entry »



et cetera