A Rose with Starry Eyes











Good news first:

  1. I made a new friend! *knocks wood* Her name is…. damn. Now I need another codename. I’ll call her Lexie. SO, she was doing prose too. She didn’t make the finals, and her knees were literally knocking together when she gave her speech, but it was only her second week and she wrote it herself! It was really good – about how normalcy is relative and no one truly fits that description. We talked in between rounds and it turns out that we have a LOT in common. (We talked Haiti, the DSM-IV criteria has been changed, Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, Gay-Straight Alliance, etc.) She came up to me at the last moment after awards and gave me her number, saying “if you ever want to talk”. I’ll call her tomorrow… I can ask her about forensics, how she did, if she watches Dr Who or has an email/facebook, where she lives and goes to school, if she wants to see a movie with me… Or maybe go to Half Price Books instead? Huh… It’s especially weird since I was thinking lately how I need a new best friend, or at least an additional one, since Xang is busy with Gas Mask and can be kind of cranky sometimes. And Lexie seemed so intelligent! (Too bad I’m awkward at phone conversations!)
  2. I’ve also been more social with people from my school’s forensics. I met an adorable, puppy-dog-looking guy Max who also is in prose and kind of failed as badly as I did. I chatted casually with Katie and tried to be social, talked to my bro’s friend Andy. There was one really cute guy, tall, probably a sophmore; I’ll call him C. We sat next to eachother at a full table and he helped open a packet of Swedish fish for me. (I would ask him to a dance or something but he might have a GF, and how embarrassing would it be to get turned down by a damn SOPHMORE. No… I actually think he might be a freshman! )
  3. Mom got me a used suit from Goodwill that’s rather flattering on my figure. It’s black and draping with nice movement.
  4. One of the girls (who placed third) did a story by JJ Jonas called “Home-coming Queen” that was thinspirational at first but sad in the end. REALLY great writing, though, like a pep-talk speech should be! (It was all about how a girl wanted to outdo her highschool rival, only to find out the rival was sweet and a recent stroke victim. Ignore that part, though, and it was GREAT thinspo!)
  5. WARNING: TMI AHEAD. Three BMs in three days! I don’t know what I’m doing other than drinking more water, but it’s working!

Bad news:

  1. I didn’t win anything. I didn’t even get into the finals. I heard a LOT of great prose but they were mostly humorous with one serious that won first place & a serio-comic that won third. I ended up doing the Kate Chopin peice from the late 1800s, which I hough I did okay at but only scored a 4 consistently with all judges, with 5 being the worst.  I am SO changing my monologue! Maybe something from Wasted? No… something from… A girl did Princess Diaries and didn’t place but got in the finals. I thought it ws frivolous, but she DID make finals. I need to brainstorm more….
  2. I TOTALLY binged. I hadn’t taken my adderall, and I ate a 200 cal packet of Swedish fish, a giant chocolate muffin, a bagel with TONS of cream cheese, a bag of movie popcorn, a clif bar, and a peanut butter cookie. UGGH. STUPID CARBS. I ate too much yesterday, too. My tummy is ballooning…

Unclassified news:

  1. Shiney hasn’t joined forensics and isn’t going to. I wonder if she lied about joining to try to scare me off or to try to imply she was my match? Maybe she’s just a plain ole compulsive liar! It doesn’t matter anyways. Fresh experiences with fresh people, and fewer worries as well!
  2. The girl who DID win prose was WAY skinny. She was like a real-life thinspo… she had the tiniest little legs, long and in heels, and you could tell under her grey suit (blazer & skirt) that she was quite slim. It flattered her SO MUCH. ANYTHING flatters you if you’re thin, including other people! 😉 The fact she placed first in the conference AND looked so much thinner than me is depressing… plus she’s younger. AND she even looks great in a very short haircut; not even bobbed, but trimmed so short it’s almost Mia Farrow. >.> I could NEVER pull that off with my baby-fat face… (Still waiting to get my flex-effect facial exercises kit!)
  3. I have somehow discovered the beauty in bones. I went through a LOT of thinspo last night, as I’m sure my previous posts will illustrate, and certain places triggered me. I still don’t want bones in certain places – clavicles will ALWAYS look gross to me, nobby knees are sickening (in a bad way!), and don’t get me STARTED on how gross it is when you can see the veins in a woman’s hands. Or ANYONE’S hands. it ages you so much. BUT, i do want to see my collar bones. I want to be petite and skinny with a few bones highlighted, not enough to look sickly. I don’t want to take things too far and I don’t want to be in pain because of my bones, but let’s face it, I’m at least 150. This poundage is just not necessary. I love collarbones, hipbones (just a little bit slanting down, not like jutting and scary), and wristbones. I really want killer cheekbones, curved and jutting outwards, visible in photos from any angle. (Plus the more weight you lose on your face to accentuate cheekbones, the bigger your eyes will seem!) I’m borderline about ribs. I really don’t think I like them just yet. I don’t think I ever will! They remind me too much of playing the xylophone. XD

Personal thinspo:

  • Sophia Loren/ Guess model from 2008 campaign shot by Bryan Adams: prominent cheekbones, straight nose (not Sophia’s), strong jaw but not manly. statuesque and curved but NOT big-boned. hair is lush and thick, looks fine worn short because nose has been changed. very thick lashes framing eyes, and pulpy lips. (link to campaign here: http://fashionflirt24.blogspot.com/2008/05/bryan-adams-for-guess-campaign.html)


{February 18, 2010}   random life updates

On the Subject of Corsetry

OK, so I talked to Rach today and she said she knows a girl (maddie) who knows someone who is AMAZING at making corsets (sara), including for the purpose of tight-lacing. (The corset-making girl’s mom makes them professionally and taught her how.) It only costs $100 to cover the supplies! Of course, now the girl Sara is in college in Minneapolis-St Paul and may not have the time to make one, but I friended Maddie to discuss where she got it just in case. Apparently both of those girls have used it themselves but I believe the corset-making girl in question overdid it and her organs got in trouble.

Rach, of course, told me how concerned she is about this stuff, even though I honestly tried to reassure her. I said that if I ordered from Romantasy I would have a trainer & manual to make sure everything went alright, plus I’d take it slow and reduce only 6 inches off my waist when starting from 31. She got all iffy about it and Rach said that her own waist was 29″ and her mom’s waist (who is my height) is about 28″. I told her that her mom could probably still take off 3 inches and be healthy, but Rach remained skeptical. She said it wouldn’t look right on my body type. I insisted that of course I would lose weight as I went, and my body type would adjust and I’d see what looks natural. I brought up Dita Von Teese’s uncorseted 22-inch waist and corseted 16-inch waist, but Rach asked how tall she was. I lied and said “about my height?”, but I’ve looked it up and she’s 5’6″. (Still not too much of a stretch!) I reassured Rach that I didn’t want to get extreme but she said “that’s what they ALL say”.

Note: DAMN Rach’s mom! 5′ 9″, 28 inch waist, and does 16 miles a night on the stationary bike?! Now SHE is a thinspiration!

On the Subject of Mom

VERY cool mom news. She told me while driving back from Forensics that she’s going to enter a film contest that’s due in 39 days. She says she’s going out to film Grandpa’s motorcycle race in a few days and make it about how people let their desires go and even though motorcycling was his passion for so may years, he only just got back into this year. It’s about why he put it off, and why he’s going back. It’s supposed to be uplifting. I didn’t mention it to her, but I think mom is going back to something she loved, too! She talked about her ideas and how she didn’t want to bite off more than could chew, to take it slow and get it done. She said things about “serendipity” and used all these other words that basically mean the Universe lines up.

I have to admit, I’ve sort of seen this coming since maybe a month of so ago when she brough out that old film projector she used to have in college and played some film reels for everybody in the family. My biggest hope is that she FINISHES it and doesn’t lose steam, doesn’t lose faith in herself. Doesn’t let dad get her down; hoping that he doesn’t sense her newfound freedom and try and squash it. (Although in my reading, Cat DID mention that by October, she’d have solid female friends to heal her and help her live her life again. Maybe this is the first step? *knocks wood*) Maybe the Universe IS lining up for her…

On the Subject of Forensics

I went today and didn’t get a chance to read, but my desire is renewed. There’s a weird rush I feel about public speaking – probably because it’s as close to performing as I can get at the moment. I’m almost done typing out the story, which is by Kate Chopin, although I still have to figure out how to do a German accent for the mother and whether or not my lead character has a soft, feminine New Orleans drawl.

I THINK my first meet is this weekend, if I’m not greatly mistaken…

On the Subject of Body

I am PMS-ing today, so I don’t want to measure or consider my binge an actual binge. (I’ll wait til the cravings, back-aches, and cramps go away. XD) Hopefully I’m okay.

On thing that mom also told me driving back from Forensics is that I look so skinny and am probably the same weight I was back in middle school only taller now. That got me thinking. In middle school I was what, size 6 jeans and 140 to 150 pounds? I AM almost back there! I got down to 147 the other day (during a fast), so I technically AM there! This is NO TIME for slouching. I need to buckle down on my homework and get my workout ass in gear. Callanetics every night- I will clear the table in the way before I go to bed!

A sign from the Universe: my favorite gossip blogger, Lainey, has started talking about Harley Pasternack and his 5 Factor Fitness program, and following it daily on her site. I think this means I need to get around to doing his workout – if Lainey is featuring it, it MUST be legit! (Plus it popped up practically the day after I broke my water fast.)

On the Subject of Body Envy

OK, I get it. Weird topic. But I’m on adderall, I’m bored, and I really feel the need to continue writing. Having almost run out of things to write about (other than my homework – god forbid!!!), I shall write about Rach’s mom, whose figure I envy even though she is decades older than me and is probably in her early 50s.

She’s about my height (5′ 9″ – ish) and apparently does 16 mile a day on a stationary bike, which I estimate burns about 600 calories. Also, when i stayed over at their house for a few days, I saw that she occasionally did workout tapes downstairs. OK, fair enough. Her family eats healthy, which is great, although apparently Rach’s mom is so stressed all the time that it’s the source of her thinness. (Um, luck! When I get stressed, I cry or binge or both. Maybe I should implement a new rule that I can only eat when I’m happy or something…? or only eat when I’ve just done something productive!) Her waist is 28″, and that’s a whole inch less than her daughter’s. The daughter whom she gave birth to. Ugh.

She obviously has a fast metabolism on her side, but she doesn’t smoke or take diet pills, and even metabolism slows as you age. What I find so inspiring about her is that she has an upper-management job that she puts a lot of hours into but still manages to exercise so much and stay healthy AND thin. She’s assertive and funny and awesome; and her body is still in a shape that I envy, even though I’m young enough to be her daughter.

Someday, I WILL have a body like that. And someday soon.



{February 4, 2010}   this is INSANE. NOT FAIR.

There is SO MUCH to talk about. Good news/bad news time. Good news first:

  1. Mom and Drew have separately commented on my changed physique. I haven’t measured and I definitely need to work out more, but I seem slimmer now than I did when dressed in clothes I wore pre-op. (My stomach as well, not just my boobs.) My arms are slightly slimmer too, although I still haven’t started on the 5 Factor Workout plan!
  2. I joined forensics. It has gone really well and the experience has made me resolute to be at least a bit more social and also continue performing, to any extent I can. I got some really great feedback, especially stuff about my voice (sounding pleasant, etc).
  3. I LOVE my Drama as Lit class, and my teacher loves me. We read the first day of class and he asked if I’d done theatre outside school or auditioned for plays in school, and if I’d done forensics. Someone else said I should take initiative to find parts outside school! Jake invited me to do forensics, so that’s how I signed up. We annotated a play called TRIFLES, written from a feminist perspective. I wrote tons of annotations but am ultimately proud of my work; it was a really encouraging experience.
  4. I finally think I have my diet down-pat. I have it in 5 mini-meals which total less than 1000 calories when added up. I’m working on an elaborate diet binder which may or may not ever come to fruition.

~

Now for the shittiest of the bad news...

  1. I didn’t get the lead role in the play. Not only did I not get the lead role, I didn’t get ANY role!!! When I saw the listings and tried to talk to the director this morning, she was gone- I’d checked 3 times and she wasn’t there, even though her office was unlocked. The fourth time she was there but walked out while I stood, less than 6 feet away, saying “Um…”. She opened a door and as she was in the hallway, I called her name and she paused ever-so-slightly before shutting the door anyways. I tried to follow her down the halls but she was too far ahead and class was about to start. SHE DITCHED ME. She wouldn’t even answer my inquiry for constructive criticism, which is what I ask every year after getting inevitably rejected. Third year in a row and not a single part, not even playing the maid. The first years she told me that it was seniority and to keep auditioning and there’s a part out there for me somewhere. This year she tells me I “wasn’t animated enough” and “were you having an off-day?”; she then told me that she “didn’t see me mixing with everyone else”. It’s SUCH BULLSHIT. Not only should I have seniority this year but if I was so animated the last 2 years, why didn’t she cast me then?! The girl who ended up getting the lead- the Senator’s daughter– actually complimented me, saying she didn’t know I was such a great actress. So… the lead thinks I’m a great actress, and I don’t even get 2 lines, despite my loyalty. Brilliant. Anyways, then she’s all “I’m concerned for your feelings, I really am; maybe you can join crew.” My eyes were literally tearing up and my voice was so choked I could barely answer. I was humiliated. She is the most insincere bitch ever.  (I will analyze my audition in a later post.)
  2. Shiney is still in my damned life! She’s trying to command the attention of Xang, and apparently texting her about relationship issues. She was supposedly going to start forensics the same day as me but she never showed- I asked her about if she was involved and said I’d see her there, and maybe that might have scared her off….? I talked to her the other day, determined to butt into her conversation with Xang, and she still did that thing where she corrects your opinion. Annoying as hell. And I heard her behind me in the hall not 2 minutes afterwards chirping in that squeaky, teapot voice about how to best harm someone. (She always thinks it’s funny to talk about how to kick someone’s ass- probably a Napoleonic complex due to her midget-like stature. She used to brag about kicking people or kneeing them in the balls.)


et cetera