A Rose with Starry Eyes











{March 2, 2010}   random life updates

Conjure Update

I emailed Miss Bri last night and sent her $10 for a 10 minute reading via Paypal. We have a reading scheduled for this Friday at 4PM. If the reading is positive, she’ll be willing to take on my case and do a conjure; worst come to worst, I’ll borrow some from my brother or sell my stuff for money. I’m really nervous about the outcome, because frankly, I want a sugardaddy. I’m trying not to think too much about it in case I psych myself out, but… I hope she says yes. Because if she doesn’t, I will have to pay someone else for a reading. And if they say no, I don’t know what I’ll do.

EDIT: Also, the woman on the forum who worked her first conjure for the same purpose I want this one emailed me back and said she’s willing to look over my rough list of traits! So hurray for feedback.

BTW: I had my interview at Culver’s icecream and it went well, but I’ll probably need to do another since the guy who usually does them is out.

Xang’s BF

Just found out that today before school Xang’s BF Gasmask took some type of pills with wine. AAARGH. This guy is so sweet to her but has such obviously bad habits! But he said he’ll be willing to stop taking pills if Xang will stop cutting herself. (I thought she had stopped for a while, but apparently started back up again.)

Also, Xang and I are supposed to hang out on Friday since it’s early release. 🙂 We’re going to the thrift shop and possibly to the local college cafe for coffee.

My Blogspot Blog

My blogspot now has 15 followers, most of whom regularly comment on my posts. I got 6 within the last 24 hours!!!! I need to branch out and read other people’s blogs more often….

Once I Get Home…

Once I get home I am SO making myself an egg omlette with tuna mixed in and possibly vegetables with a side of frozen fruit with cinnamon sprinkled on top. YUMMMMMMY!!!

EDIT: Just fnished the egg omlette with tuna and, while it wasn’t TOTALLY scrumptious, adding tuna to an omlette is a GREAT way to camouflage the fishy taste. 2 eggs and half a can of tuna (70 cal per egg, 70 cal per half tuna can) are 210 calories, and for what’s probably more than your daily serving of protein, it’s a very filling, low-cal meal.



{February 24, 2010}   life thus far

I FINALLY Have Access to a Scale!

I got permission to use the school’s scale to weigh myself. I’ll have to keep it to once or twice a week so the gym teacher doesn’t get suspicious; she has to unlock it everytime I use it. I don’t know what I weigh right now…

Spartanette Tryouts

I asked about joining Spartanette today; they’re the school’s dance squad. (It’s different from cheerleaders, too – it’s more athletic and more fun to watch!) Apparently I’m a shoo-in since they need new members so much. It’ll look good on a college resume, trigger me to lose more weight, and give me a chance to work out!

Added Shiney bonus: we have Enviro Sci together and she may have overheard me asking Miller about the tryouts. She honestly just sat there, chewing on her gross, overly-long bangs, as I asked about becoming a cheerleader! XD I caught her staring at me once after that. Can’t wait to see how much more she stares at me as I begin to drop the pounds and disappear! 🙂

OK, quick update: so GasMask overheard the Spartanettes’ advisor talking to a couple of girls about me like I was already in. I KNOW they need more people, so I think it’s safe to rejoice! 🙂

Xang’s Bad Mood

Miller told Shiney and I during Envrio Sci that about halfway through the period, Xang had just snapped andput her head down on her desk. She didn’t know why, but Miller allowed her to sit in the back of the class. Thankfully Shiney didn’t have her phone to text Xang, but I did.

During Drama as Lit Xang told me that it was because some stupid girl in her class said in all seriousness that she tried being an anorexic but failed, and Miller cracked up. This annoyed Xang and made her snap because she was having a horrible mood that day and it just really bothered her.

Good Link for Future Thinso

http://iflifegivesyoulemonsdonteatthem.blogspot.com/

http://candysuicide.blogspot.com/



{February 19, 2010}   random things that made my day

Xang: “No offense, Rose – it’s not your weight that hurts, it’s your bones are digging in.”

me: Aww, that’s the nicest thing – “

Xang: It’s not a complement!”

The above is a quote from the pep rally. I was sitting on Xang’s lap because Shiney wouldn’t move over sideways & I insisted. This really makes me rememeber how I used to scorn that one number on the “reasons to be thin” list about how “do you want people to say wow, you’re so thin, or oof, get off me, fatass!” The best thing is, Shiney was sitting right next to us. I bet she heard. 😛

When I came over to them at the pep rally, Xang was cuddling with Gas Mask & Shiney was sitting next to her. I asked Shiney to move and she slid the other way so I wouldn’t be close enough to Xang. When I asked her to move the other way, she said there wasn’t enough room. Xang joked I should sit on her lap, so I did. (See quote above.) I effectively cut Shiney off from Xang, although walking back to the classrooms she was really clingy & hugged Xang too much. Xang even noticed, asking why everyone was being so possessive of her.

I cannot wait to make a fat, loser poppet of Shiney.

~

~

Another thing that happened today that really made me smile was when some random cute, jock guy walked past me in Enviro Sci singing a Tracey Chapman song. I asked him about it and he said that he LOVED Tracey Chapman! I told him it was my first concert ever, and he said his buddy went to Chicago to see her perform. Then Miller chimed in and asked me about if I liked Liz Phair, which is weird because just last night I had been thinking about her songs! (some of them serve as triggers to me.) Huh. Serendipity. 🙂



So tonight Xang had a party. She invited Shiney. The Twins weren’t there, but Rach was. So was Zen, Janis, Rezzie, Em, and a few others. What I hated the most? SHINEY. DUH. Good news first, then bad news.

  1. Zen gave me a small potted plant, a succulent Jade that I named Faith. It’s tiny and it’s budding, and it stands for prosperity!
  2. Zen, Janis, and I made plans to go to the Bee next weekend, and Janis is bringing her guy friend, a Wiccan. Not gonna lie, I hope he’s cute… 😉
  3. I weigh 153 pounds on a scale that actually works. 😀
  4. I fit into Xang’s peach tutu dress that fits both her and Rach.
  5. I checked out Shiney and she still looks CHUBBSY, especially her belly. I must have seen her butt-crack in those low-rise jeans about 50 times, the dumbass….. >.>
  6. I went to Xang’s party, and was social, or at least relatively social, which used to be a challenge for me. Now it’s less so, but I’m still an outsider. I got to choose the movies, which were Cry Baby and Heathers. Huge hits with the people watching, especially Cry Baby.
  7. Bro and I went to hang at the local college I attend sometimes and I showed him the basement cafe, then we checked out the kids library we used to go to as kids (’70s bamboo furniture! Yurtle the Turle!) and scavenged the free books carts. Right on the top, lying in the very place I would see it, was a first edition of The Witches of Eastwick!!!! It’s TOTALLY a sign. I’m only about 20 pages in but so far it’s the most amazing, feminist thing I’ve ever read!!

Now, the bad news:

  1. I checked Xang’s phone because I was curious about why Shiney had been so clingy about boy issues before. I ended up running into text messages about how “If all my friends were like Rose, I’d kill myself” and “She attaches ‘slut’, ‘whore’, and ‘fat’ to words too often”, and “she’s quick to anger- and to distract”. (Is it MY fault that Xang dismisses my valid concerns?!) It reminds me of the triggering text I found on Rach’s phone about how “And Rose wonders why she has no friends”…
  2. I’m pretty sure that Shiney is sleeping over at Xang’s house tonight and Xang lied. Obviously Em is staying over, since she lives so far away, but I left at around midnight and only Em and Shiney were there; Shiney wasn’t waiting for a ride. I think I heard her mention to Xang about her wanting to go to bed soon, and she didn’t say “go home and go to bed”; Xang mentioned sleeping upstairs on her own and hoping it wasn’t bitchy. So my BFF lied about befriending a toxic bitch and letting her even CLOSER into my life than she already is. And she lied to ME. I have to catch her in this lie…..
  3. Rezzie is a BITCH. Her and Shiney have formed an Evil Alliance of Teapot Squeakies, or EATS, for short, since they’re both rather diminuitive and chubbsy and you don’t get that way without EATing, plus their voices are as unpleasant as a shrilly screeching teapot. I think Rezzie was wearing one of Shiney’s shirts, a green one with lace- actually I’m positive. I didn’t bring it up because I didn’t want Shiney to know that she was getting to me, or that I even noticed. Xang had a peach tutu dress that was totally gorgeous and said it was Rezzie to try on but since it had been like, 2 hours and she was still just making out with her BF, I decided to try it on. It looked great, and I was proud that it fit so well! 🙂 But when I went downstairs, Rezzie took one look at me and her eyes narrowed; she looked like she was going to eat me. I can’t see how Xang manages to stay under the illusion that this girl isn’t crazy just because she smiles and squeaks and talks about how she’s jealous of boobs. NO ONE is that dumb! She glared and said “You NEED to take that dress off.” I didn’t know what to say- I didn’t know she still wanted the dress, and Xang had said I could try on anything from her closet! Then Xang said Rezzie needed it for band concert, so I said I would change later. (I didn’t, and Rezzie never even noticed.) 5 minutes later, she was playing with a lighter, straddling her BF’s lap, right next to a cage of gunea pigs. Literally playing with fire. Xang tells her to stop and she won’t, so Xang lets her get away with it. I point out that she’s giggling and sitting right next to a cage of guinea pigs, and isn’t she worried about the animals? Xang said she couldn’t make her stop. When she got up to get a drink, I told her in private that if i had started playing with a lighter like that, she would flip out & call me a psycho. She responded she had known Rezzie for 6 years and that I shouldn’t play with fire, then. When I got back to the couch, Shiney was “attempting” to take the lighter away from Rezzie by threatening to bite her. Then she saw me looking, leaned in, and did something I couldn’t see- either biting near Rezzie’s lip, on her lips, or kissing her. Bu I could tell from the tone and eye contact it was way flirty. Bunch of sluts.
  4. Shiney is still as obnoxious as ever. So not only have she and Rezzie formed an Evil Alliance of Teapot-Squeakies, but they go lingerie shopping together. As a matter of fact, Shiney passed around her brand new thong (red silk and black lace, AS IF I WANTED TO KNOW!!!!), saying that she wanted to show Rezzie and “It’s okay since I just bought it!” Class-ay. She then later on told Zen, Janis, and I about how she has 9 thongs but only 7 that she wears (TMI ALERT!!! TMI ALERT!!!), and when I made a passive-aggressive comment about how I didn’t need to know & she still persisted, I covered my ears and starting shouting the words to “I’M A LITTLE TEAPOT SHORT AND STOUT!!!” (which I realize in retrospect that Xang and I used to sing under our breaths when we saw her because she was so tiny, fat, and shrill). She then made up some BULL SHIT STORY about how my mom bought me my first thong in 6th grade along with a leopard print dress I never wore. I have no idea what she’s talking about (still don’t), so I told her she was mistaken. She kept insisiting that I had forgotten, but it was true. (I later asked mom, and she remembered nothing, either.) That bitch. Is. PSYCHO. I tried to set it right on facebook by commenting on her page but no response yet…
  5. Shiney is still as obnoxious as ever Part II. (I realize the number above has the same first sentence, but it’s getting so long that I need two numbers dedicated to this craziness). So right before she’s going to sleep over at Shiney’s (which Shiney lied about, I’m 90% sure, btw), she started talking about her “meds” and getting all hyper. She apparently had not taken her night-time pills yet and she took her pills in the morning that were practically “legalized speed”. She forcefully hugged Xang, who looked at me in a strange way, but by then I had put in one of my earphones to my ipod and was listening to Fall Behind Me by The Donnas, my official “crush this bitch into the ground” song designated specifically to Shiney-hating. (My workout could use a boost. ^.^ ) That made the whole experience a lot more satisfying. So Shiney’s tackling Xang and Xang is saying “You’re insane, you’ve been awake too long”, and I just go “Aww, go easy on her Xang, she’s on legalized speed”.  She looked at me and was totally sincere saying that “I take those in the morning, this is totally natural”, and then she jumped up and made the most horrible shrieking-squeal. (Like a motherfucking teapot.) It was obviously faked. She then said, “Actually, I haven’t slept more than 2 hours a night in four weeks”. (Bitch, please! If that were even half-way true right now, you’d probably be dead by now…) I look over at Xang and all she can say is the neutral “Everytime I meet someone with insomnia, I thank the Lord I don’t have it”. I ask Shiney, “Have you tried re-setting your Circadian rhythms?” her eyes go all big in that fake- confused way and says “Yes I’ve tried everything NOTHING works for me”. I just flatly say “Oh, ok”, because frankly, I don’t believe her. But whatever. For a bitch on legalized speed, she sure is a fat one….
  6. Xang is an immature dumbass. In addition to lying to me, she neglected me the whole time and tried to “throw me a bone” by occasionally complementing the peach tutu or saying how much she liked the movie we were watching I had picked. She then decided that she felt compelled to slice and rip her ex-bf’s tshirt. IN FRONT OF HER CURRENT FLAME. Way to not be a psycho, homeslice! I was a total third wheel; Shiney managed to wedge herself onto the couch every damn chance she got and I was left a social floater. I had even asked Xang if I could sit by her when Shiney wasn’t around because I wanted in on the conversation, which I could hear from the other side of the room. I managed to kick her out for a bit, but then she came over and hugged Xang right in front of me, sat on her lap, and then eventually told Xang’s flame (we’ll call him Gas-Mask, due to his strange facial apparel) that he’d have to get used to the “special relationship” between her and Xang. (Wow, faux-lesbianism. How very, very Katy Perry.) I reminded Xang that her last BF had fled due to a girl-on-girl kiss and I was sensing a pattern, but Gas-Mask said it was fine. THEN, when I got up to change DVDs, Shiney asked if it was ok that she got “her” seat back. I said “Ok, it’s not really your seat”, but she’s like “Yeah, but I was sitting here earlier”- and then she sat down anyways. Cunt. At least Schiz wasn’t there….

I’m not even gonna lie, I am SO tempted to post photographs. Just to show off the peach tutu, to show off Shiney’s dumbass, shit-eating grin and tiny, bulky figure. Sonofabitch. But it’s too early to even consider doing anything like that, even though this blog is protected by private settings and only I know about it anyways. I will have to take solace in the fact that this experience triggered me to be better than ever, and beat the asses of the dumb bitches around me by out-doing them- one in particular. >:)

I just am feeling really neglected right now. I got a reading with Cat last night which was spot-on and totally gratifying, but I can’t visit the Bee til this next weekend- a week away. I have a ton of homework and I need to workout. It’s already almost 3AM, technically Sunday. Dad flipped out at me today over my F in Art History- which wasn’t my fault- and Mom ended up taking some of my anti-anxiety meds. Le sigh. And now on top of that, Xang has been turning to Shiney, who i hate more than ever right now, and no matter what I do, I can’t get out. I can’t reason Xang into acting like a normal person and APPRECIATING ME, GODDAMMIT. (She has had her share of issues, and I’m the only one who has been there through everything. but I’m not the one she rewards.) I can’t make my dad go away for a while, until I see Deb at the Bee. I can’t do anything right. All I know is that I deserve better than this, and someday I’m going to have it.

So, long story short, let’s count how many different ways Shiney has annoyed me tonight:

  1. Staying to sleep over while Xang lied about it (am 90% sure).
  2. insipid lesbian-undertone jokes
  3. stealing “her” seat; hogging Xang
  4. constantly mentioning her ex-BF (she had her first valentines with, his pal is a sexist jerk, etc.)
  5. squeaky shrill teapot voice. which I could hear from across the house. THERE IS NO ESCAPE!!!
  6. basically on “legalized speed” …really? is that why you’re still fat?
  7. thong-gate Part I: passing hers around (classy lady! practicing for the strip clubs?)
  8. thong-gate Part II: saying that I’d gotten one from my mom in the 6th grade. and LYING.
  9. exaggerating her sleep-deprivation to superhuman proportions.
  10. forming a EATS alliance; lending Rezzie shirts, going on slutty shopping trips, etc.
  11. letting EVERYONE grope her boobs on the couch; Xang and Rezzie, talking loudly about it.
  12. her biting Rezzie; or kissing her, or whatever!
  13. the way she has been systematically integrating herself into Xang’s life over a period of time; casual contact, invites to a party, texting her during recovery, then vulnerability with boy problems, jumping in to set her up with Gas-Mask (which I didn’t even know was happening!), and now a secret sleepover (probably). How on earth did I not manage to prevent this?!


{January 31, 2010}   short life update

So I made up with Xang and she said yesterday she went out with a guy, who I’ll call Eyepatch because… well, he wears one in school. And not because he needs one. He just wants to. Apparently, on their date, he wore a gas mask. They tried to go to Abercrombie and Fitch and he got kicked out. They went up to him and just said, “you have to leave”.

What bothers me more about it is that she happened to meet Shiney there. And she never told me she liked him- she went to Rezzie first (understandable, since she’s connected and able to set them up) – but Rezzie’s bf told Shiney. And Shiney knew without me knowing. Plus, her and Shiney went out to volunteer yesterday without me. This is really starting to bother me. I need to make more of an effort to keep that fat bitch from friendship-cock-blocking me. 😡



et cetera