A Rose with Starry Eyes











Good news first:

  1. I made a new friend! *knocks wood* Her name is…. damn. Now I need another codename. I’ll call her Lexie. SO, she was doing prose too. She didn’t make the finals, and her knees were literally knocking together when she gave her speech, but it was only her second week and she wrote it herself! It was really good – about how normalcy is relative and no one truly fits that description. We talked in between rounds and it turns out that we have a LOT in common. (We talked Haiti, the DSM-IV criteria has been changed, Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, Gay-Straight Alliance, etc.) She came up to me at the last moment after awards and gave me her number, saying “if you ever want to talk”. I’ll call her tomorrow… I can ask her about forensics, how she did, if she watches Dr Who or has an email/facebook, where she lives and goes to school, if she wants to see a movie with me… Or maybe go to Half Price Books instead? Huh… It’s especially weird since I was thinking lately how I need a new best friend, or at least an additional one, since Xang is busy with Gas Mask and can be kind of cranky sometimes. And Lexie seemed so intelligent! (Too bad I’m awkward at phone conversations!)
  2. I’ve also been more social with people from my school’s forensics. I met an adorable, puppy-dog-looking guy Max who also is in prose and kind of failed as badly as I did. I chatted casually with Katie and tried to be social, talked to my bro’s friend Andy. There was one really cute guy, tall, probably a sophmore; I’ll call him C. We sat next to eachother at a full table and he helped open a packet of Swedish fish for me. (I would ask him to a dance or something but he might have a GF, and how embarrassing would it be to get turned down by a damn SOPHMORE. No… I actually think he might be a freshman! )
  3. Mom got me a used suit from Goodwill that’s rather flattering on my figure. It’s black and draping with nice movement.
  4. One of the girls (who placed third) did a story by JJ Jonas called “Home-coming Queen” that was thinspirational at first but sad in the end. REALLY great writing, though, like a pep-talk speech should be! (It was all about how a girl wanted to outdo her highschool rival, only to find out the rival was sweet and a recent stroke victim. Ignore that part, though, and it was GREAT thinspo!)
  5. WARNING: TMI AHEAD. Three BMs in three days! I don’t know what I’m doing other than drinking more water, but it’s working!

Bad news:

  1. I didn’t win anything. I didn’t even get into the finals. I heard a LOT of great prose but they were mostly humorous with one serious that won first place & a serio-comic that won third. I ended up doing the Kate Chopin peice from the late 1800s, which I hough I did okay at but only scored a 4 consistently with all judges, with 5 being the worst.  I am SO changing my monologue! Maybe something from Wasted? No… something from… A girl did Princess Diaries and didn’t place but got in the finals. I thought it ws frivolous, but she DID make finals. I need to brainstorm more….
  2. I TOTALLY binged. I hadn’t taken my adderall, and I ate a 200 cal packet of Swedish fish, a giant chocolate muffin, a bagel with TONS of cream cheese, a bag of movie popcorn, a clif bar, and a peanut butter cookie. UGGH. STUPID CARBS. I ate too much yesterday, too. My tummy is ballooning…

Unclassified news:

  1. Shiney hasn’t joined forensics and isn’t going to. I wonder if she lied about joining to try to scare me off or to try to imply she was my match? Maybe she’s just a plain ole compulsive liar! It doesn’t matter anyways. Fresh experiences with fresh people, and fewer worries as well!
  2. The girl who DID win prose was WAY skinny. She was like a real-life thinspo… she had the tiniest little legs, long and in heels, and you could tell under her grey suit (blazer & skirt) that she was quite slim. It flattered her SO MUCH. ANYTHING flatters you if you’re thin, including other people! 😉 The fact she placed first in the conference AND looked so much thinner than me is depressing… plus she’s younger. AND she even looks great in a very short haircut; not even bobbed, but trimmed so short it’s almost Mia Farrow. >.> I could NEVER pull that off with my baby-fat face… (Still waiting to get my flex-effect facial exercises kit!)
  3. I have somehow discovered the beauty in bones. I went through a LOT of thinspo last night, as I’m sure my previous posts will illustrate, and certain places triggered me. I still don’t want bones in certain places – clavicles will ALWAYS look gross to me, nobby knees are sickening (in a bad way!), and don’t get me STARTED on how gross it is when you can see the veins in a woman’s hands. Or ANYONE’S hands. it ages you so much. BUT, i do want to see my collar bones. I want to be petite and skinny with a few bones highlighted, not enough to look sickly. I don’t want to take things too far and I don’t want to be in pain because of my bones, but let’s face it, I’m at least 150. This poundage is just not necessary. I love collarbones, hipbones (just a little bit slanting down, not like jutting and scary), and wristbones. I really want killer cheekbones, curved and jutting outwards, visible in photos from any angle. (Plus the more weight you lose on your face to accentuate cheekbones, the bigger your eyes will seem!) I’m borderline about ribs. I really don’t think I like them just yet. I don’t think I ever will! They remind me too much of playing the xylophone. XD

Personal thinspo:

  • Sophia Loren/ Guess model from 2008 campaign shot by Bryan Adams: prominent cheekbones, straight nose (not Sophia’s), strong jaw but not manly. statuesque and curved but NOT big-boned. hair is lush and thick, looks fine worn short because nose has been changed. very thick lashes framing eyes, and pulpy lips. (link to campaign here: http://fashionflirt24.blogspot.com/2008/05/bryan-adams-for-guess-campaign.html)


So tonight Xang had a party. She invited Shiney. The Twins weren’t there, but Rach was. So was Zen, Janis, Rezzie, Em, and a few others. What I hated the most? SHINEY. DUH. Good news first, then bad news.

  1. Zen gave me a small potted plant, a succulent Jade that I named Faith. It’s tiny and it’s budding, and it stands for prosperity!
  2. Zen, Janis, and I made plans to go to the Bee next weekend, and Janis is bringing her guy friend, a Wiccan. Not gonna lie, I hope he’s cute… 😉
  3. I weigh 153 pounds on a scale that actually works. 😀
  4. I fit into Xang’s peach tutu dress that fits both her and Rach.
  5. I checked out Shiney and she still looks CHUBBSY, especially her belly. I must have seen her butt-crack in those low-rise jeans about 50 times, the dumbass….. >.>
  6. I went to Xang’s party, and was social, or at least relatively social, which used to be a challenge for me. Now it’s less so, but I’m still an outsider. I got to choose the movies, which were Cry Baby and Heathers. Huge hits with the people watching, especially Cry Baby.
  7. Bro and I went to hang at the local college I attend sometimes and I showed him the basement cafe, then we checked out the kids library we used to go to as kids (’70s bamboo furniture! Yurtle the Turle!) and scavenged the free books carts. Right on the top, lying in the very place I would see it, was a first edition of The Witches of Eastwick!!!! It’s TOTALLY a sign. I’m only about 20 pages in but so far it’s the most amazing, feminist thing I’ve ever read!!

Now, the bad news:

  1. I checked Xang’s phone because I was curious about why Shiney had been so clingy about boy issues before. I ended up running into text messages about how “If all my friends were like Rose, I’d kill myself” and “She attaches ‘slut’, ‘whore’, and ‘fat’ to words too often”, and “she’s quick to anger- and to distract”. (Is it MY fault that Xang dismisses my valid concerns?!) It reminds me of the triggering text I found on Rach’s phone about how “And Rose wonders why she has no friends”…
  2. I’m pretty sure that Shiney is sleeping over at Xang’s house tonight and Xang lied. Obviously Em is staying over, since she lives so far away, but I left at around midnight and only Em and Shiney were there; Shiney wasn’t waiting for a ride. I think I heard her mention to Xang about her wanting to go to bed soon, and she didn’t say “go home and go to bed”; Xang mentioned sleeping upstairs on her own and hoping it wasn’t bitchy. So my BFF lied about befriending a toxic bitch and letting her even CLOSER into my life than she already is. And she lied to ME. I have to catch her in this lie…..
  3. Rezzie is a BITCH. Her and Shiney have formed an Evil Alliance of Teapot Squeakies, or EATS, for short, since they’re both rather diminuitive and chubbsy and you don’t get that way without EATing, plus their voices are as unpleasant as a shrilly screeching teapot. I think Rezzie was wearing one of Shiney’s shirts, a green one with lace- actually I’m positive. I didn’t bring it up because I didn’t want Shiney to know that she was getting to me, or that I even noticed. Xang had a peach tutu dress that was totally gorgeous and said it was Rezzie to try on but since it had been like, 2 hours and she was still just making out with her BF, I decided to try it on. It looked great, and I was proud that it fit so well! 🙂 But when I went downstairs, Rezzie took one look at me and her eyes narrowed; she looked like she was going to eat me. I can’t see how Xang manages to stay under the illusion that this girl isn’t crazy just because she smiles and squeaks and talks about how she’s jealous of boobs. NO ONE is that dumb! She glared and said “You NEED to take that dress off.” I didn’t know what to say- I didn’t know she still wanted the dress, and Xang had said I could try on anything from her closet! Then Xang said Rezzie needed it for band concert, so I said I would change later. (I didn’t, and Rezzie never even noticed.) 5 minutes later, she was playing with a lighter, straddling her BF’s lap, right next to a cage of gunea pigs. Literally playing with fire. Xang tells her to stop and she won’t, so Xang lets her get away with it. I point out that she’s giggling and sitting right next to a cage of guinea pigs, and isn’t she worried about the animals? Xang said she couldn’t make her stop. When she got up to get a drink, I told her in private that if i had started playing with a lighter like that, she would flip out & call me a psycho. She responded she had known Rezzie for 6 years and that I shouldn’t play with fire, then. When I got back to the couch, Shiney was “attempting” to take the lighter away from Rezzie by threatening to bite her. Then she saw me looking, leaned in, and did something I couldn’t see- either biting near Rezzie’s lip, on her lips, or kissing her. Bu I could tell from the tone and eye contact it was way flirty. Bunch of sluts.
  4. Shiney is still as obnoxious as ever. So not only have she and Rezzie formed an Evil Alliance of Teapot-Squeakies, but they go lingerie shopping together. As a matter of fact, Shiney passed around her brand new thong (red silk and black lace, AS IF I WANTED TO KNOW!!!!), saying that she wanted to show Rezzie and “It’s okay since I just bought it!” Class-ay. She then later on told Zen, Janis, and I about how she has 9 thongs but only 7 that she wears (TMI ALERT!!! TMI ALERT!!!), and when I made a passive-aggressive comment about how I didn’t need to know & she still persisted, I covered my ears and starting shouting the words to “I’M A LITTLE TEAPOT SHORT AND STOUT!!!” (which I realize in retrospect that Xang and I used to sing under our breaths when we saw her because she was so tiny, fat, and shrill). She then made up some BULL SHIT STORY about how my mom bought me my first thong in 6th grade along with a leopard print dress I never wore. I have no idea what she’s talking about (still don’t), so I told her she was mistaken. She kept insisiting that I had forgotten, but it was true. (I later asked mom, and she remembered nothing, either.) That bitch. Is. PSYCHO. I tried to set it right on facebook by commenting on her page but no response yet…
  5. Shiney is still as obnoxious as ever Part II. (I realize the number above has the same first sentence, but it’s getting so long that I need two numbers dedicated to this craziness). So right before she’s going to sleep over at Shiney’s (which Shiney lied about, I’m 90% sure, btw), she started talking about her “meds” and getting all hyper. She apparently had not taken her night-time pills yet and she took her pills in the morning that were practically “legalized speed”. She forcefully hugged Xang, who looked at me in a strange way, but by then I had put in one of my earphones to my ipod and was listening to Fall Behind Me by The Donnas, my official “crush this bitch into the ground” song designated specifically to Shiney-hating. (My workout could use a boost. ^.^ ) That made the whole experience a lot more satisfying. So Shiney’s tackling Xang and Xang is saying “You’re insane, you’ve been awake too long”, and I just go “Aww, go easy on her Xang, she’s on legalized speed”.  She looked at me and was totally sincere saying that “I take those in the morning, this is totally natural”, and then she jumped up and made the most horrible shrieking-squeal. (Like a motherfucking teapot.) It was obviously faked. She then said, “Actually, I haven’t slept more than 2 hours a night in four weeks”. (Bitch, please! If that were even half-way true right now, you’d probably be dead by now…) I look over at Xang and all she can say is the neutral “Everytime I meet someone with insomnia, I thank the Lord I don’t have it”. I ask Shiney, “Have you tried re-setting your Circadian rhythms?” her eyes go all big in that fake- confused way and says “Yes I’ve tried everything NOTHING works for me”. I just flatly say “Oh, ok”, because frankly, I don’t believe her. But whatever. For a bitch on legalized speed, she sure is a fat one….
  6. Xang is an immature dumbass. In addition to lying to me, she neglected me the whole time and tried to “throw me a bone” by occasionally complementing the peach tutu or saying how much she liked the movie we were watching I had picked. She then decided that she felt compelled to slice and rip her ex-bf’s tshirt. IN FRONT OF HER CURRENT FLAME. Way to not be a psycho, homeslice! I was a total third wheel; Shiney managed to wedge herself onto the couch every damn chance she got and I was left a social floater. I had even asked Xang if I could sit by her when Shiney wasn’t around because I wanted in on the conversation, which I could hear from the other side of the room. I managed to kick her out for a bit, but then she came over and hugged Xang right in front of me, sat on her lap, and then eventually told Xang’s flame (we’ll call him Gas-Mask, due to his strange facial apparel) that he’d have to get used to the “special relationship” between her and Xang. (Wow, faux-lesbianism. How very, very Katy Perry.) I reminded Xang that her last BF had fled due to a girl-on-girl kiss and I was sensing a pattern, but Gas-Mask said it was fine. THEN, when I got up to change DVDs, Shiney asked if it was ok that she got “her” seat back. I said “Ok, it’s not really your seat”, but she’s like “Yeah, but I was sitting here earlier”- and then she sat down anyways. Cunt. At least Schiz wasn’t there….

I’m not even gonna lie, I am SO tempted to post photographs. Just to show off the peach tutu, to show off Shiney’s dumbass, shit-eating grin and tiny, bulky figure. Sonofabitch. But it’s too early to even consider doing anything like that, even though this blog is protected by private settings and only I know about it anyways. I will have to take solace in the fact that this experience triggered me to be better than ever, and beat the asses of the dumb bitches around me by out-doing them- one in particular. >:)

I just am feeling really neglected right now. I got a reading with Cat last night which was spot-on and totally gratifying, but I can’t visit the Bee til this next weekend- a week away. I have a ton of homework and I need to workout. It’s already almost 3AM, technically Sunday. Dad flipped out at me today over my F in Art History- which wasn’t my fault- and Mom ended up taking some of my anti-anxiety meds. Le sigh. And now on top of that, Xang has been turning to Shiney, who i hate more than ever right now, and no matter what I do, I can’t get out. I can’t reason Xang into acting like a normal person and APPRECIATING ME, GODDAMMIT. (She has had her share of issues, and I’m the only one who has been there through everything. but I’m not the one she rewards.) I can’t make my dad go away for a while, until I see Deb at the Bee. I can’t do anything right. All I know is that I deserve better than this, and someday I’m going to have it.

So, long story short, let’s count how many different ways Shiney has annoyed me tonight:

  1. Staying to sleep over while Xang lied about it (am 90% sure).
  2. insipid lesbian-undertone jokes
  3. stealing “her” seat; hogging Xang
  4. constantly mentioning her ex-BF (she had her first valentines with, his pal is a sexist jerk, etc.)
  5. squeaky shrill teapot voice. which I could hear from across the house. THERE IS NO ESCAPE!!!
  6. basically on “legalized speed” …really? is that why you’re still fat?
  7. thong-gate Part I: passing hers around (classy lady! practicing for the strip clubs?)
  8. thong-gate Part II: saying that I’d gotten one from my mom in the 6th grade. and LYING.
  9. exaggerating her sleep-deprivation to superhuman proportions.
  10. forming a EATS alliance; lending Rezzie shirts, going on slutty shopping trips, etc.
  11. letting EVERYONE grope her boobs on the couch; Xang and Rezzie, talking loudly about it.
  12. her biting Rezzie; or kissing her, or whatever!
  13. the way she has been systematically integrating herself into Xang’s life over a period of time; casual contact, invites to a party, texting her during recovery, then vulnerability with boy problems, jumping in to set her up with Gas-Mask (which I didn’t even know was happening!), and now a secret sleepover (probably). How on earth did I not manage to prevent this?!


{February 4, 2010}   this is INSANE. NOT FAIR.

There is SO MUCH to talk about. Good news/bad news time. Good news first:

  1. Mom and Drew have separately commented on my changed physique. I haven’t measured and I definitely need to work out more, but I seem slimmer now than I did when dressed in clothes I wore pre-op. (My stomach as well, not just my boobs.) My arms are slightly slimmer too, although I still haven’t started on the 5 Factor Workout plan!
  2. I joined forensics. It has gone really well and the experience has made me resolute to be at least a bit more social and also continue performing, to any extent I can. I got some really great feedback, especially stuff about my voice (sounding pleasant, etc).
  3. I LOVE my Drama as Lit class, and my teacher loves me. We read the first day of class and he asked if I’d done theatre outside school or auditioned for plays in school, and if I’d done forensics. Someone else said I should take initiative to find parts outside school! Jake invited me to do forensics, so that’s how I signed up. We annotated a play called TRIFLES, written from a feminist perspective. I wrote tons of annotations but am ultimately proud of my work; it was a really encouraging experience.
  4. I finally think I have my diet down-pat. I have it in 5 mini-meals which total less than 1000 calories when added up. I’m working on an elaborate diet binder which may or may not ever come to fruition.

~

Now for the shittiest of the bad news...

  1. I didn’t get the lead role in the play. Not only did I not get the lead role, I didn’t get ANY role!!! When I saw the listings and tried to talk to the director this morning, she was gone- I’d checked 3 times and she wasn’t there, even though her office was unlocked. The fourth time she was there but walked out while I stood, less than 6 feet away, saying “Um…”. She opened a door and as she was in the hallway, I called her name and she paused ever-so-slightly before shutting the door anyways. I tried to follow her down the halls but she was too far ahead and class was about to start. SHE DITCHED ME. She wouldn’t even answer my inquiry for constructive criticism, which is what I ask every year after getting inevitably rejected. Third year in a row and not a single part, not even playing the maid. The first years she told me that it was seniority and to keep auditioning and there’s a part out there for me somewhere. This year she tells me I “wasn’t animated enough” and “were you having an off-day?”; she then told me that she “didn’t see me mixing with everyone else”. It’s SUCH BULLSHIT. Not only should I have seniority this year but if I was so animated the last 2 years, why didn’t she cast me then?! The girl who ended up getting the lead- the Senator’s daughter– actually complimented me, saying she didn’t know I was such a great actress. So… the lead thinks I’m a great actress, and I don’t even get 2 lines, despite my loyalty. Brilliant. Anyways, then she’s all “I’m concerned for your feelings, I really am; maybe you can join crew.” My eyes were literally tearing up and my voice was so choked I could barely answer. I was humiliated. She is the most insincere bitch ever.  (I will analyze my audition in a later post.)
  2. Shiney is still in my damned life! She’s trying to command the attention of Xang, and apparently texting her about relationship issues. She was supposedly going to start forensics the same day as me but she never showed- I asked her about if she was involved and said I’d see her there, and maybe that might have scared her off….? I talked to her the other day, determined to butt into her conversation with Xang, and she still did that thing where she corrects your opinion. Annoying as hell. And I heard her behind me in the hall not 2 minutes afterwards chirping in that squeaky, teapot voice about how to best harm someone. (She always thinks it’s funny to talk about how to kick someone’s ass- probably a Napoleonic complex due to her midget-like stature. She used to brag about kicking people or kneeing them in the balls.)


et cetera