A Rose with Starry Eyes











{May 18, 2010}   in 10 years

KNOCK ON WOOD FOR ALL OF THE FOLLOWING!!!!!

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{April 23, 2010}   AMAZING news!!!

OK, First I’ll start off with the amazing move and then move on to the mediocrity that is my usual life. 🙂

From 2 days ago (Wednesday):

I saw Dev the other day at the anime club that Zen invited me to. It was right after work and I was feeling drained so I almost didn’t go, but then decided, fuck it, I’ll go anyways. I wore a HOT green top that showed cleavage and wore dominatrix heels, though I ended up taking those off. According to Zen, he DEFINITELY noticed the top! 😉

He asked me why I didn’t go to the dance. First I claimed I had homework, which he scoffed at. Then I told him I didn’t have anything to wear. He said that he had looked through my facebook photos and that I DEFINITELY had things to wear! (He looked through my facebook pics? That is definitely a good sign!) I told him it was my friend’s dress not mine, and he insisted I could have borrowed it. I said Zen my wing-woman wasn’t there, and he said she would never go to a dance! It seemed to me that he was very keen on my going to the dance. (I also know that Dev had asked Zen why I didn’t go several times before asking me in person.)

There was also this one moment where he looked over at me and I saw him and I just felt lightning. I haven’t felt this way about someone for years! I also discovered that he sometimes randomly acts like a kitten, which I find unspeakably adorable.

As Zen walked with me to wait for my car, she told me that she had heard form a girl that Dev confides in that he had/ has feelings for a girl in Chicago, who lives too far away for him to have a relationship with her. Zen was afraid that I might be just a physical substitute for this other girl, and warned me of his commitment-phobia.

From yesterday (Thursday):

OK, so Zen talked to Dev for me, telling him that I didn’t ask her to because it’s “not my style”. So he told her that even though he thinks I’m “fabulous and all that”, he couldn’t date me til I’m 18, since he’s an education major and it might jeopardize his future job. He DID say that he wants to take things slow and get to know me, and would be willing to wait til I’m 18 to date me, and that he probably won’t date anyone til then. He said that he thought I would be taken though. And then… he did a FROWNY FACE!!! 😦

This is amazing. This is the first time in my life that I’ve ever had a guy think I’m great- and the fact that he thinks I’ll be taken by then just goes to show that he thinks I’m attractive, maybe even out of his league!!!!!

Strangely enough, Rachel Berry on Glee just got a boyfriend. It was in the Madonna episode, which I have to say ROCKED. I think I might end up using Madonna’s attitude as career inspiration in the future…

Anyways, my plan is to first order an attraction spell and specifically make him not care about the age difference. To fall intensely in love with me and do anything to make me happy; to not feel content without me. 🙂



{April 21, 2010}   hypnosis in acting

Blurbs about the potential use of hypnosis in acting.

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{March 7, 2010}   new triggers
  1. Legs’ feircesomeness and strength in Foxfire; tough like Legs when hunger hits, determined to see bone.
  2. Alice after the growing potion, body curved against the ceiling; her stomach is flat. wouldn’t yours be lumpy and full of rolls?
  3. you can see Alice’s collarbones in every single shot
  4. strength. you consider yourself able to get anything you want – well, staple your mouth shut and reach the level of dedication that so many other successful actresses have already.
  5. sticking yourself with an antique hat pin
  6. Alice’s 3 big slashes on her arm
  7. Alice as Joan of Arc, slim and pretty even in armor
  8. exercise isn’t a task; it is freedom. it is what sustains your Lolita-ness, it is what keeps you untouchable,it is what gives you what you want.
  9. the light blue button coat Alice wears in the end of the movie
  10. Alice’s couture gowns throughout the film
  11. long, honey-colored softly curled hair, streaming out behind Alice as she runs
  12. gorgeous blue silk couture gown, hanging loose on her frame, rustling as she moves
  13. Brigitte Bardot, luscious and petulant, an almost prepubescent beachy beauty.

Face Down by Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

Lets Go All the Way by ICP



{February 26, 2010}   binged last night. ashamed.

I binged last night. I need support. I had a really bad binge last night. I was doing the best I’ve done in years, and now it’s ALL GONE. I’m too ashamed to even say what I ate….

I am SO ashamed. I was doing SO well, better than I’ve done in a while, and then I just LOST it. I’m not even going to TALK about what I ate because it’s so shameful…. Anyways, my binge was so bad that I had a panic attack right before my college class. I couldn’t stop crying, so I skipped my exam & went to the library nearby and ended up finding an abandoned bathroom I didn’t even know was there. I was so desperate that I considered harming myself, but there was nothing sharp. Stabbing myself in the arm with a pen seemed ridiculous. So I ended up taking $20 to a locally-owned art store and purchasing a $4 exacto-blade. Here’s a pic:

~

 I didn’t use it, because by that time I’d calmed down. But I feel powerful just knowing it’s at home, in my brown paper bag, & only I know it’s there. If I binge again, I’ll feel the sting. If I don’t have self-discipline, I’ll USE self-discipline. I know it sounds sick, and it totally is, but for once in my life, I want to accomplish something. I’ve never done S.I. before, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

~

I’ve been coping with EDNOS since 6th grade and I was just beginning to see results. I’m not giving up now. I need to remind myself: This is not something that will just HAPPEN to you. This is something you need utter dedication for, something you WILL see results from if you stick with it. For once in your fucking worthless life, finish something.

~

From now on, I will be more strict. I will take my adderall twice a day. I will go on the elliptical for at least an hour & do pilates every night. I will spend a lot of time at the library and almost never be home. I will guzzle hot tea and take cinnamon capsules. I will fine. I will be thin. I will do this.



{February 25, 2010}  

TRIGGER SONGS LIST

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{February 23, 2010}   ugw REWARD

OK, so someone on Blogspot said something about restricting and eating only “birdie-small amounts”. Somehow, this term conjures up images of Audrey Hepburn, Jackie Kennedy, etc; all sorts of tiny, classy women. (NOT like some of today’s modern thinspo, who you feel do cocaine and rely on binge-purging to get there. They have neither the class nor the willpower of the true ladies!) I also really love the mental image of a bird picking at some food, in the winter snow of amongst the autumn leaves. It’s heavenly… And so natural-seeming. Quite organic and hippie.

ANYWAYS, it sparked an idea for me: why not make my Ultimate Goal Weight reward a tiny birdie tattoo? I immediately thought of an Across the Universe icon I’d seen online, which I associate with that beautiful song sung by Evan Rachel Wood (another thinspo!), “Blackbird”. It’s perfect because it’s the Beatles, it was MY idea, it’s not directly related to pro-ana, birds represent freedom, it’s not a cliched bird shape like the one Johnny Depp has, and I can always bring up the Beatles when anyone asks of it’s significance. (If I need an additional reward, I can always tattoo some of the song lyrics, such as “all your life” in cursive close to it.) I’d LOVE to get it near my wrist, but as an actress, it should perhaps be in a less-intrusive spot, in case I’m running late for an audition and can’t cover it up. (Of course, having it near my hand would remind me not to “reach for food” because it would be right there, always.) Plus it would be easily covered up with a bracelet or something… It should be in a place I can see it, at least!

Here are some image ideas for the tattoo. I need to choose exactly the right one and hopefully find a bigger pic of it online, so the tattoo artist doesn’t get it messed up. (Should it be mid-flight, or resting, perched? Should it be in a regular position, or is a more difficult, perspective-based one okay, too? So many questions!) A girl in my class mentioned to me that she got an awesome $2 necklace from a tattoo place called Starship in Milwaukee. (And apparently there’s one in West Bend, too; the tattoo artist Amanda looks cool. Actually, I think I’ve walked past that place before! Grandma always said it was a “weird store”. How cool would it be to get bored and get my tattoo there while visiting or something?) Maybe it’s a sign I should go there…?

Pics:

Random thought: maybe I could get a tattoo blessing from the Bee or something…? So it would bring me luck! 🙂

Blackbird mythology:

  • According to Celtic mythology, the blackbird was thought to be one of the three oldest animals (along with the trout and the stag). They represent air, water, & earth.
  • Blackbirds are considered many things in many cultures, including a bad omen (in dreams, supposedly) and a harbringer of good fortune (if it nests near a house). Also:
    • Blackbirds have been considered messengers of change, speakers of the dead, & omens of death.
    • Blackbirds also symbolize life’s mysticism, the primal vitality, & the need for renewal.
    • Blackbirds’ beautiful songs make it a symbol of temptations, especially sexual temptations.
    • 2 Blackbirds together are a symbol of peace and a good omen.
  • The Blackbird mimics the tit, goldfinch, black woodpecker, & greenfinch sounds, as well as some sounds associated with humans. It has one of the most musical voices of any bird.
  • The Welsh word for Blackbird is deryn do, which changed to “derring-do”, and is now the word “daring-do”, which today means bravery and heroism.
  • A Druid legend states that the birds of Rhinannan are 3 Blackbirds that sit and sing in the World Tree. Their singing puts the listener to sleep or induces a trance so that they can travel to the Otherworld.


{February 23, 2010}   Shiney updates

OK, so basically when I told Xang this morning that Shiney is still crash-dieting, abusing her meds and eating goldfish crackers, she revealed to me that Shiney is also still cutting. Apparently she stopped for a while when she was still with her old BF (he took away her scissors – ikr, she uses scissors to cut!), but she’s back again. I mentioned I was surprised that she didn’t use an exacto-blade, and Xang said that she likes to carry around sharp things, even if she only uses scissors. We both agreed that it’s weird that I knew she crash-dieted and Xang knew that she did S.I., but neither of us knew the other’s info, although apparently Xang told Shiney NOT to tell her is she WAS crash-dieting. So, Shiney really still IS a wannarexic. *Sigh* Apparently you can tell when she cuts from when she wears those asinine arm bands that cover her wrists; and here I always thought it was a rumor that those were for cutters….

I am, of course, am taking this as a personal challenge. If Shiney really DOES still struggle with this stuff, then won’t it just kill her to see me succeeding while she stagnates and fails? Especially if I choose to make my E.D. public; there are a lot of ways of doing it so that it’s subtle but not overlooked by everyone. I could see a specializing therapist or check into recovery (though I wouldn’t want to gain the weight back!), or I could try to model or something. Or I could fast publicly, make an announcement and ask for donations to a fund. The key to having attention from therapy yet not truly having to change my patterns would be: (1) making sure my shrink doesn’t know I abuse adderall – or else I’ll never be able to get a prescription again! , (2) making sure they don’t find out about the blog or my other blog, or my online thinspo collections, and (3) not gaining too much weight back, of course. And also not letting them knows my triggers, specifically my anti-Shiney/personal challenge, competitive trigger….

I almost feel proud of myself, in a twisted way, that I picked up on this so quick and realized she was back in her old rut within a week or two of it coming into my mind. (Esp. when you consider that Xang and Rach were both withholding insider info.) When I see Rach next, I’m going to ask her if she knows that Shiney is cutting…

~

EDIT:

Alright, so yeah, Rach knew. And she thought it was funny that I was the last to know everything. I think she also said it didn’t matter or something like that; I said it did because I didn’t know she was still sick, I thought she’d gotten better, and Rach replied that Xang had “always been sick”. I said “well what about middle school?” and Rach just sort of shrugged, like she’d been less sick but only less, not anything like a regular person.

I also asked Xang about Shiney mentioning suicide; at one point she had told me about cutting herself form collarbone to groin so she could see her inside, and Xang said she’d been told that too, only it was so that she would make a beautiful/interesting corpse. Xang actually agreed with me on how ridiculous it was; apparently Shiney flips out whenever there are needles or blood. (So why the fuck does she cut herself?!)



{February 21, 2010}   guest star: violet, Part I.

A truly deep & philosophical, candid blog by a British ana. discusses the establishment, book recommendations, school, freedom, etc.

Part I

“How she longed to get out of the dark hall, and wander among those beds of bright flowers and those cool fountains, but she could not even get her head through the doorway”

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{February 21, 2010}   guest star: Freya

new ana blogger Freya talks about her lack of friends, her self-improvement, triggering music, her school life, & social anxiety…

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et cetera