A Rose with Starry Eyes

{February 23, 2010}   ugw REWARD

OK, so someone on Blogspot said something about restricting and eating only “birdie-small amounts”. Somehow, this term conjures up images of Audrey Hepburn, Jackie Kennedy, etc; all sorts of tiny, classy women. (NOT like some of today’s modern thinspo, who you feel do cocaine and rely on binge-purging to get there. They have neither the class nor the willpower of the true ladies!) I also really love the mental image of a bird picking at some food, in the winter snow of amongst the autumn leaves. It’s heavenly… And so natural-seeming. Quite organic and hippie.

ANYWAYS, it sparked an idea for me: why not make my Ultimate Goal Weight reward a tiny birdie tattoo? I immediately thought of an Across the Universe icon I’d seen online, which I associate with that beautiful song sung by Evan Rachel Wood (another thinspo!), “Blackbird”. It’s perfect because it’s the Beatles, it was MY idea, it’s not directly related to pro-ana, birds represent freedom, it’s not a cliched bird shape like the one Johnny Depp has, and I can always bring up the Beatles when anyone asks of it’s significance. (If I need an additional reward, I can always tattoo some of the song lyrics, such as “all your life” in cursive close to it.) I’d LOVE to get it near my wrist, but as an actress, it should perhaps be in a less-intrusive spot, in case I’m running late for an audition and can’t cover it up. (Of course, having it near my hand would remind me not to “reach for food” because it would be right there, always.) Plus it would be easily covered up with a bracelet or something… It should be in a place I can see it, at least!

Here are some image ideas for the tattoo. I need to choose exactly the right one and hopefully find a bigger pic of it online, so the tattoo artist doesn’t get it messed up. (Should it be mid-flight, or resting, perched? Should it be in a regular position, or is a more difficult, perspective-based one okay, too? So many questions!) A girl in my class mentioned to me that she got an awesome $2 necklace from a tattoo place called Starship in Milwaukee. (And apparently there’s one in West Bend, too; the tattoo artist Amanda looks cool. Actually, I think I’ve walked past that place before! Grandma always said it was a “weird store”. How cool would it be to get bored and get my tattoo there while visiting or something?) Maybe it’s a sign I should go there…?


Random thought: maybe I could get a tattoo blessing from the Bee or something…? So it would bring me luck! 🙂

Blackbird mythology:

  • According to Celtic mythology, the blackbird was thought to be one of the three oldest animals (along with the trout and the stag). They represent air, water, & earth.
  • Blackbirds are considered many things in many cultures, including a bad omen (in dreams, supposedly) and a harbringer of good fortune (if it nests near a house). Also:
    • Blackbirds have been considered messengers of change, speakers of the dead, & omens of death.
    • Blackbirds also symbolize life’s mysticism, the primal vitality, & the need for renewal.
    • Blackbirds’ beautiful songs make it a symbol of temptations, especially sexual temptations.
    • 2 Blackbirds together are a symbol of peace and a good omen.
  • The Blackbird mimics the tit, goldfinch, black woodpecker, & greenfinch sounds, as well as some sounds associated with humans. It has one of the most musical voices of any bird.
  • The Welsh word for Blackbird is deryn do, which changed to “derring-do”, and is now the word “daring-do”, which today means bravery and heroism.
  • A Druid legend states that the birds of Rhinannan are 3 Blackbirds that sit and sing in the World Tree. Their singing puts the listener to sleep or induces a trance so that they can travel to the Otherworld.

{February 18, 2010}   random life updates

On the Subject of Corsetry

OK, so I talked to Rach today and she said she knows a girl (maddie) who knows someone who is AMAZING at making corsets (sara), including for the purpose of tight-lacing. (The corset-making girl’s mom makes them professionally and taught her how.) It only costs $100 to cover the supplies! Of course, now the girl Sara is in college in Minneapolis-St Paul and may not have the time to make one, but I friended Maddie to discuss where she got it just in case. Apparently both of those girls have used it themselves but I believe the corset-making girl in question overdid it and her organs got in trouble.

Rach, of course, told me how concerned she is about this stuff, even though I honestly tried to reassure her. I said that if I ordered from Romantasy I would have a trainer & manual to make sure everything went alright, plus I’d take it slow and reduce only 6 inches off my waist when starting from 31. She got all iffy about it and Rach said that her own waist was 29″ and her mom’s waist (who is my height) is about 28″. I told her that her mom could probably still take off 3 inches and be healthy, but Rach remained skeptical. She said it wouldn’t look right on my body type. I insisted that of course I would lose weight as I went, and my body type would adjust and I’d see what looks natural. I brought up Dita Von Teese’s uncorseted 22-inch waist and corseted 16-inch waist, but Rach asked how tall she was. I lied and said “about my height?”, but I’ve looked it up and she’s 5’6″. (Still not too much of a stretch!) I reassured Rach that I didn’t want to get extreme but she said “that’s what they ALL say”.

Note: DAMN Rach’s mom! 5′ 9″, 28 inch waist, and does 16 miles a night on the stationary bike?! Now SHE is a thinspiration!

On the Subject of Mom

VERY cool mom news. She told me while driving back from Forensics that she’s going to enter a film contest that’s due in 39 days. She says she’s going out to film Grandpa’s motorcycle race in a few days and make it about how people let their desires go and even though motorcycling was his passion for so may years, he only just got back into this year. It’s about why he put it off, and why he’s going back. It’s supposed to be uplifting. I didn’t mention it to her, but I think mom is going back to something she loved, too! She talked about her ideas and how she didn’t want to bite off more than could chew, to take it slow and get it done. She said things about “serendipity” and used all these other words that basically mean the Universe lines up.

I have to admit, I’ve sort of seen this coming since maybe a month of so ago when she brough out that old film projector she used to have in college and played some film reels for everybody in the family. My biggest hope is that she FINISHES it and doesn’t lose steam, doesn’t lose faith in herself. Doesn’t let dad get her down; hoping that he doesn’t sense her newfound freedom and try and squash it. (Although in my reading, Cat DID mention that by October, she’d have solid female friends to heal her and help her live her life again. Maybe this is the first step? *knocks wood*) Maybe the Universe IS lining up for her…

On the Subject of Forensics

I went today and didn’t get a chance to read, but my desire is renewed. There’s a weird rush I feel about public speaking – probably because it’s as close to performing as I can get at the moment. I’m almost done typing out the story, which is by Kate Chopin, although I still have to figure out how to do a German accent for the mother and whether or not my lead character has a soft, feminine New Orleans drawl.

I THINK my first meet is this weekend, if I’m not greatly mistaken…

On the Subject of Body

I am PMS-ing today, so I don’t want to measure or consider my binge an actual binge. (I’ll wait til the cravings, back-aches, and cramps go away. XD) Hopefully I’m okay.

On thing that mom also told me driving back from Forensics is that I look so skinny and am probably the same weight I was back in middle school only taller now. That got me thinking. In middle school I was what, size 6 jeans and 140 to 150 pounds? I AM almost back there! I got down to 147 the other day (during a fast), so I technically AM there! This is NO TIME for slouching. I need to buckle down on my homework and get my workout ass in gear. Callanetics every night- I will clear the table in the way before I go to bed!

A sign from the Universe: my favorite gossip blogger, Lainey, has started talking about Harley Pasternack and his 5 Factor Fitness program, and following it daily on her site. I think this means I need to get around to doing his workout – if Lainey is featuring it, it MUST be legit! (Plus it popped up practically the day after I broke my water fast.)

On the Subject of Body Envy

OK, I get it. Weird topic. But I’m on adderall, I’m bored, and I really feel the need to continue writing. Having almost run out of things to write about (other than my homework – god forbid!!!), I shall write about Rach’s mom, whose figure I envy even though she is decades older than me and is probably in her early 50s.

She’s about my height (5′ 9″ – ish) and apparently does 16 mile a day on a stationary bike, which I estimate burns about 600 calories. Also, when i stayed over at their house for a few days, I saw that she occasionally did workout tapes downstairs. OK, fair enough. Her family eats healthy, which is great, although apparently Rach’s mom is so stressed all the time that it’s the source of her thinness. (Um, luck! When I get stressed, I cry or binge or both. Maybe I should implement a new rule that I can only eat when I’m happy or something…? or only eat when I’ve just done something productive!) Her waist is 28″, and that’s a whole inch less than her daughter’s. The daughter whom she gave birth to. Ugh.

She obviously has a fast metabolism on her side, but she doesn’t smoke or take diet pills, and even metabolism slows as you age. What I find so inspiring about her is that she has an upper-management job that she puts a lot of hours into but still manages to exercise so much and stay healthy AND thin. She’s assertive and funny and awesome; and her body is still in a shape that I envy, even though I’m young enough to be her daughter.

Someday, I WILL have a body like that. And someday soon.

{February 15, 2010}   quotes of the day

This morning when I walked up to the table where Twin Sporty & Sammy were talking, I immediately overheard them trash-talking some teacher for being fat. (In their defense, the guy is really, really fat, and apparently not so nice to them.) But it was funny because it thinspired me to not eat anymore (I don’t want someone saying that stuff about me!). That and the fact I had been listening to the Weird Al song “Fat” as I was walking in. 😉 It was like a sign from the Universe or something!

I told Rach that I’m still on Day 3 of the water fast, and she rolled her eyes snd said something disapproving I didn’t hear. (It would be SO funny if Shiney ended up hearing it from her!)

When I told Miller about it, she said “It’s nice that you’re doing that, people do that stuff all the time… getting rid of toxins.” I respect her so  much and I know that she knows a lot about the human body and environmental toxins, health effects, etc. It gives me more confidence that she supports me and makes me determined not to let her down. No food until Day 10!!! I also told her I’m going vegan after this. It’s weird how anybody else’s parents would flip but mine don’t seem to care too much , and how the teacher I told is so supportive. Again, it must be a sign!

{February 8, 2010}   auditions galore!

SO, my Drama as Lit teacher just showed me that online at the Journal Sentinel they have a weekly auditions listing. It makes me kind of ashamed that I haven’t gotten into better shape by now, but at least I have something to look forward to! Here are the ones that I qualify for currently:

  1. Falls Patio Players: Large cast of adults and children ages 7 to 70 for the musical “Oliver”. Adults ages 16+ will be seen February 9th. (Tomorrow! Shit! Too soon!!!) The auditions are that the Menomonee Falls North Middle School, so I guess it can’t be too intimidating; probably more of a community theatre-type thing. It requires 16 bars of a song in your key (which I don’t even understand!) plus sheet music for accompanist. Wear shoes suitable for dancing.
  2. Krakow Polish Dancers: Another one I should be thinner for! I’m going to need to do callanetics to get toned… Men and woman from 9 to 25 are invited to join the dance troupe, no experience neccessary. Rehearsals resume March 10th at some “Collins-Meyer Clubhouse” I’ve never heard of before. (I guess there’s no audition for it! Score!!)
  3. Lake Country Players: Large cast of men and women ages 16+ are needed for “Camelot”. Auditions will be held… in Hartland. (How far away is that? …It’s a suburb of Milwaukee, according to Wikipedia. That should be okay.) Auditions are 7 to 9pm February 15th and 17th; audition consists of reading from the script and singing a song from the show.
  4. Soulstice Theatre: General auditions for the upcoming season are February 15th and 16th at the Marian Center. Registration starts at 6PM; headshot with resume plus 2 contrasting 1-minute monologues.

…What’s really funny about all of this is the fact that, literally less than one minute before my teacher called me over to show me the auditions list online, I had just read my horoscope with Xang, which read:

Sagittarius: Get busy instead of hanging around waiting for someone to do the work for you. It’s important that you show how industrious you can be. It’s your efforts that will impress, not giving orders. Love is on the rise.

I immediately told myself that I wouldn’t even begin to know where to look, that I woldn’t be good enough, that it was meant for the future but for now it was ridiculous. And then when I went to sit back down after he showed me the website, Xang told me a horoscope had never worked so quickly for her. (Apparently someone from partial had the same thing happen to them; something a shrink told them popped up intheir horoscope that day.)

I think the Universe is trying to give me a signa good, swift kick in the ass! That’s what I need to get me going. I’ll be part of the Krakow Polish Dance Troupe for sure, which will boost my resume. I can probably land at least one other job…!

Ooh, I just checked the auditions listing again, and they’re putting on “Holes”! There’s a call for a group of teenage boys, and no monologues are required- all you have to do is read from the script! I think I might show my bro and see if he’ll audition, since he used to love Holes and I know he loves Shia LaBeouf! EDIT; It’s too far away to be realistic. I didn’t even tell him in case he was sad.

Some audition tips from lm forum:

  • Prayer to St Expedite: light a candle, put out a glass of water, put his picture down. Say his novena and include what you want, offering him pound cake and red flowers. Don’t give him these gifts unless you get what you want.
  • Candle Spell: Anoint the candle with Crown of Success Oil and Look Me Over. Burn it while you’re at the audition; anoint yourself with the oils and pray before leaving.

One more random thought: a short list to myself that I should follow to make sure I don’t procrastinate!

  1. Find contrasting monologues from that room connected to the library where the forensics lady keeps all her books; ask to photocopy some. Be sure to get two contrasting one-minute monologues to start with, drama and humor.
  2. Figure out exactly how you want to read the monologue, complete with vocal intonations, emotional cues, gestures, body language, any movements, etc. Then, record yourself doing the monologue on the mac. Be sure to read it slowly and give yourself time for pauses; imagine you’re in front of the judges and you have all the time in the world to make them remember you! Download it to your ipod and listen on repeat!
  3. When you think you’re finally ready to do the monologue, do it in front of a bunch of people. Xang’s family will do, or something else like that. Don’t hold back and tell yourself you’ll be more emotional once you’re at the audition- you won’t be. Get it right. Don’t let yourself get nervous in front of them, and don’t freeze or be insecure. Remember: you are the character. Any embarrassing fuck-ups are the character, not you. No one will think anything less of you for truly letting yourself go.
  4. Additional tip: DON’T rush through it! You only get one shot to impress the judges, and everyone else can wait their damn turn. This is your moment! 😛

So tonight Xang had a party. She invited Shiney. The Twins weren’t there, but Rach was. So was Zen, Janis, Rezzie, Em, and a few others. What I hated the most? SHINEY. DUH. Good news first, then bad news.

  1. Zen gave me a small potted plant, a succulent Jade that I named Faith. It’s tiny and it’s budding, and it stands for prosperity!
  2. Zen, Janis, and I made plans to go to the Bee next weekend, and Janis is bringing her guy friend, a Wiccan. Not gonna lie, I hope he’s cute… 😉
  3. I weigh 153 pounds on a scale that actually works. 😀
  4. I fit into Xang’s peach tutu dress that fits both her and Rach.
  5. I checked out Shiney and she still looks CHUBBSY, especially her belly. I must have seen her butt-crack in those low-rise jeans about 50 times, the dumbass….. >.>
  6. I went to Xang’s party, and was social, or at least relatively social, which used to be a challenge for me. Now it’s less so, but I’m still an outsider. I got to choose the movies, which were Cry Baby and Heathers. Huge hits with the people watching, especially Cry Baby.
  7. Bro and I went to hang at the local college I attend sometimes and I showed him the basement cafe, then we checked out the kids library we used to go to as kids (’70s bamboo furniture! Yurtle the Turle!) and scavenged the free books carts. Right on the top, lying in the very place I would see it, was a first edition of The Witches of Eastwick!!!! It’s TOTALLY a sign. I’m only about 20 pages in but so far it’s the most amazing, feminist thing I’ve ever read!!

Now, the bad news:

  1. I checked Xang’s phone because I was curious about why Shiney had been so clingy about boy issues before. I ended up running into text messages about how “If all my friends were like Rose, I’d kill myself” and “She attaches ‘slut’, ‘whore’, and ‘fat’ to words too often”, and “she’s quick to anger- and to distract”. (Is it MY fault that Xang dismisses my valid concerns?!) It reminds me of the triggering text I found on Rach’s phone about how “And Rose wonders why she has no friends”…
  2. I’m pretty sure that Shiney is sleeping over at Xang’s house tonight and Xang lied. Obviously Em is staying over, since she lives so far away, but I left at around midnight and only Em and Shiney were there; Shiney wasn’t waiting for a ride. I think I heard her mention to Xang about her wanting to go to bed soon, and she didn’t say “go home and go to bed”; Xang mentioned sleeping upstairs on her own and hoping it wasn’t bitchy. So my BFF lied about befriending a toxic bitch and letting her even CLOSER into my life than she already is. And she lied to ME. I have to catch her in this lie…..
  3. Rezzie is a BITCH. Her and Shiney have formed an Evil Alliance of Teapot Squeakies, or EATS, for short, since they’re both rather diminuitive and chubbsy and you don’t get that way without EATing, plus their voices are as unpleasant as a shrilly screeching teapot. I think Rezzie was wearing one of Shiney’s shirts, a green one with lace- actually I’m positive. I didn’t bring it up because I didn’t want Shiney to know that she was getting to me, or that I even noticed. Xang had a peach tutu dress that was totally gorgeous and said it was Rezzie to try on but since it had been like, 2 hours and she was still just making out with her BF, I decided to try it on. It looked great, and I was proud that it fit so well! 🙂 But when I went downstairs, Rezzie took one look at me and her eyes narrowed; she looked like she was going to eat me. I can’t see how Xang manages to stay under the illusion that this girl isn’t crazy just because she smiles and squeaks and talks about how she’s jealous of boobs. NO ONE is that dumb! She glared and said “You NEED to take that dress off.” I didn’t know what to say- I didn’t know she still wanted the dress, and Xang had said I could try on anything from her closet! Then Xang said Rezzie needed it for band concert, so I said I would change later. (I didn’t, and Rezzie never even noticed.) 5 minutes later, she was playing with a lighter, straddling her BF’s lap, right next to a cage of gunea pigs. Literally playing with fire. Xang tells her to stop and she won’t, so Xang lets her get away with it. I point out that she’s giggling and sitting right next to a cage of guinea pigs, and isn’t she worried about the animals? Xang said she couldn’t make her stop. When she got up to get a drink, I told her in private that if i had started playing with a lighter like that, she would flip out & call me a psycho. She responded she had known Rezzie for 6 years and that I shouldn’t play with fire, then. When I got back to the couch, Shiney was “attempting” to take the lighter away from Rezzie by threatening to bite her. Then she saw me looking, leaned in, and did something I couldn’t see- either biting near Rezzie’s lip, on her lips, or kissing her. Bu I could tell from the tone and eye contact it was way flirty. Bunch of sluts.
  4. Shiney is still as obnoxious as ever. So not only have she and Rezzie formed an Evil Alliance of Teapot-Squeakies, but they go lingerie shopping together. As a matter of fact, Shiney passed around her brand new thong (red silk and black lace, AS IF I WANTED TO KNOW!!!!), saying that she wanted to show Rezzie and “It’s okay since I just bought it!” Class-ay. She then later on told Zen, Janis, and I about how she has 9 thongs but only 7 that she wears (TMI ALERT!!! TMI ALERT!!!), and when I made a passive-aggressive comment about how I didn’t need to know & she still persisted, I covered my ears and starting shouting the words to “I’M A LITTLE TEAPOT SHORT AND STOUT!!!” (which I realize in retrospect that Xang and I used to sing under our breaths when we saw her because she was so tiny, fat, and shrill). She then made up some BULL SHIT STORY about how my mom bought me my first thong in 6th grade along with a leopard print dress I never wore. I have no idea what she’s talking about (still don’t), so I told her she was mistaken. She kept insisiting that I had forgotten, but it was true. (I later asked mom, and she remembered nothing, either.) That bitch. Is. PSYCHO. I tried to set it right on facebook by commenting on her page but no response yet…
  5. Shiney is still as obnoxious as ever Part II. (I realize the number above has the same first sentence, but it’s getting so long that I need two numbers dedicated to this craziness). So right before she’s going to sleep over at Shiney’s (which Shiney lied about, I’m 90% sure, btw), she started talking about her “meds” and getting all hyper. She apparently had not taken her night-time pills yet and she took her pills in the morning that were practically “legalized speed”. She forcefully hugged Xang, who looked at me in a strange way, but by then I had put in one of my earphones to my ipod and was listening to Fall Behind Me by The Donnas, my official “crush this bitch into the ground” song designated specifically to Shiney-hating. (My workout could use a boost. ^.^ ) That made the whole experience a lot more satisfying. So Shiney’s tackling Xang and Xang is saying “You’re insane, you’ve been awake too long”, and I just go “Aww, go easy on her Xang, she’s on legalized speed”.  She looked at me and was totally sincere saying that “I take those in the morning, this is totally natural”, and then she jumped up and made the most horrible shrieking-squeal. (Like a motherfucking teapot.) It was obviously faked. She then said, “Actually, I haven’t slept more than 2 hours a night in four weeks”. (Bitch, please! If that were even half-way true right now, you’d probably be dead by now…) I look over at Xang and all she can say is the neutral “Everytime I meet someone with insomnia, I thank the Lord I don’t have it”. I ask Shiney, “Have you tried re-setting your Circadian rhythms?” her eyes go all big in that fake- confused way and says “Yes I’ve tried everything NOTHING works for me”. I just flatly say “Oh, ok”, because frankly, I don’t believe her. But whatever. For a bitch on legalized speed, she sure is a fat one….
  6. Xang is an immature dumbass. In addition to lying to me, she neglected me the whole time and tried to “throw me a bone” by occasionally complementing the peach tutu or saying how much she liked the movie we were watching I had picked. She then decided that she felt compelled to slice and rip her ex-bf’s tshirt. IN FRONT OF HER CURRENT FLAME. Way to not be a psycho, homeslice! I was a total third wheel; Shiney managed to wedge herself onto the couch every damn chance she got and I was left a social floater. I had even asked Xang if I could sit by her when Shiney wasn’t around because I wanted in on the conversation, which I could hear from the other side of the room. I managed to kick her out for a bit, but then she came over and hugged Xang right in front of me, sat on her lap, and then eventually told Xang’s flame (we’ll call him Gas-Mask, due to his strange facial apparel) that he’d have to get used to the “special relationship” between her and Xang. (Wow, faux-lesbianism. How very, very Katy Perry.) I reminded Xang that her last BF had fled due to a girl-on-girl kiss and I was sensing a pattern, but Gas-Mask said it was fine. THEN, when I got up to change DVDs, Shiney asked if it was ok that she got “her” seat back. I said “Ok, it’s not really your seat”, but she’s like “Yeah, but I was sitting here earlier”- and then she sat down anyways. Cunt. At least Schiz wasn’t there….

I’m not even gonna lie, I am SO tempted to post photographs. Just to show off the peach tutu, to show off Shiney’s dumbass, shit-eating grin and tiny, bulky figure. Sonofabitch. But it’s too early to even consider doing anything like that, even though this blog is protected by private settings and only I know about it anyways. I will have to take solace in the fact that this experience triggered me to be better than ever, and beat the asses of the dumb bitches around me by out-doing them- one in particular. >:)

I just am feeling really neglected right now. I got a reading with Cat last night which was spot-on and totally gratifying, but I can’t visit the Bee til this next weekend- a week away. I have a ton of homework and I need to workout. It’s already almost 3AM, technically Sunday. Dad flipped out at me today over my F in Art History- which wasn’t my fault- and Mom ended up taking some of my anti-anxiety meds. Le sigh. And now on top of that, Xang has been turning to Shiney, who i hate more than ever right now, and no matter what I do, I can’t get out. I can’t reason Xang into acting like a normal person and APPRECIATING ME, GODDAMMIT. (She has had her share of issues, and I’m the only one who has been there through everything. but I’m not the one she rewards.) I can’t make my dad go away for a while, until I see Deb at the Bee. I can’t do anything right. All I know is that I deserve better than this, and someday I’m going to have it.

So, long story short, let’s count how many different ways Shiney has annoyed me tonight:

  1. Staying to sleep over while Xang lied about it (am 90% sure).
  2. insipid lesbian-undertone jokes
  3. stealing “her” seat; hogging Xang
  4. constantly mentioning her ex-BF (she had her first valentines with, his pal is a sexist jerk, etc.)
  5. squeaky shrill teapot voice. which I could hear from across the house. THERE IS NO ESCAPE!!!
  6. basically on “legalized speed” …really? is that why you’re still fat?
  7. thong-gate Part I: passing hers around (classy lady! practicing for the strip clubs?)
  8. thong-gate Part II: saying that I’d gotten one from my mom in the 6th grade. and LYING.
  9. exaggerating her sleep-deprivation to superhuman proportions.
  10. forming a EATS alliance; lending Rezzie shirts, going on slutty shopping trips, etc.
  11. letting EVERYONE grope her boobs on the couch; Xang and Rezzie, talking loudly about it.
  12. her biting Rezzie; or kissing her, or whatever!
  13. the way she has been systematically integrating herself into Xang’s life over a period of time; casual contact, invites to a party, texting her during recovery, then vulnerability with boy problems, jumping in to set her up with Gas-Mask (which I didn’t even know was happening!), and now a secret sleepover (probably). How on earth did I not manage to prevent this?!

et cetera