A Rose with Starry Eyes

{May 12, 2010}   girl’s night out!

Zen told me that a month from now she’s having a girls night at her lake cottage and everyone’s going to dress up and do make-up and stuff. She’s inviting Ducky and Shell and gab and janis, and 3 other girls – plus me, of course! Since the cottage is on a lake, there’ll be swimming and kayaking too. She said it’ll be about a month from now. Plenty of time to get in shape and be bikini ready. (The thought being of course, that lots of photos will be taken and Dev might see one. Or many. And I will look HOT!)

Plan: to take adderall daily, and try to eat only about a thousand calories daily. spend lunch hour on the stationary bike and do callanetics nightly at home, with 5 Factor Fitness weights, too. (if possible, substitute both of these with kettlebells.) For a week before the party I’ll do a water fast.

I also need to drink TONS more water and up my fiber intake. (I have a lot of dead weight in body, and that should be fixed!)

ALSO: look into getting kettlebells, recommended 4x weekly. GREAT workout! Another option is the 30 day shred.

I’ll look hot, and to make sure that Dev sees, I’ll make it my new profile pic and IM him casually. Just to make sure he sees. 😉

To do before then:

  • shower nightly and apply ozonated olive oil to face before bed
  • dye hair a specific color. (either blonde or red)

kettlebells rec

oh yeah, i work out with kettlebells 5-6 days per week, for about six months… what i love best is that it only takes 20-30 minutes and you’re DONE! cardio + weight training all together. the circuit style is motivating, because it’s like… 40-60 seconds of hard work, but then you rest. i just tell myself “I can do it, it’s only 45 seconds!” pretty soon all the short segments are over!

it’s not so bad if you have good form. start slow, and only do that circuit two or three times I’d suggest starting with only 15-20 lbs (it sounds like a lot, but really it’s your whole body working together, so it doesn’t feel that heavy i promise!). youtube search that trainer, lauren brooks, she is the best and has great short videos on form!

Alright. So let me first start off by talking about what annoyed me the most today: Xang. She was really bitchy about me doing a water fast. I mean, I knew she would be weird about it since she’s an ex-Mia only a few months out of recovery, but she went above and BEYOND passive-aggressive. She was out of line. And she didn’t just say I shouldn’t for health reasons or express doubt at my abilities, she basically implied I’m a hypocrite and a crazy person who has insane expectations. Here’s the excerpt:

Rose: I’m on Day 1 of my water fast!


Caiti: why? you could get really sick from that..

Rose: no, you couldn’t. it doesn’t mean not drinking water, it means consuming ONLY water. people have been doing this for ages, and it’s a great way to flush toxins out of your body that have been accumulating since birth, and it’s also a great way to start a vegan lifestyle, which I plan on doing. plus, after day 3 I’m buying myself a bracelet and the proceeds go to starving children in ethiopia. it’s an awareness fast.

Xang: I love how you imply that Caiti’s stupid and doesn’t know what you’re talking about. Caiti- I don’t think you’re stupid.

my Bro: lol I do!

Caiti: i know what it is. and yes it may wash out your toxins. and your nutrients too. do what you want. but you don’t need to lose weight. youre perfect as you are (:

Xang: I just kind of wonder what happened to ‘veganism inconveiniences the people around you’ and ‘I’m going to eat turkey now, and steal lunches from innocent freshman, because I’m too ‘selfless’ to have my mom go out and buy me a specefic brand of granola bar.’

Rose: hey Xang? GO FUCK YOURSELF. There are so many things wrong with that sentence I’m not even going to bother correcting your dumbass mouth.

And also, Caiti, I wasn’t sure if you knew what it was since when I mentioned it to the female gym teacher last year, who I consider to be a health expert, she didn’t know what it was.

Then I posted this message to her wall:

“What you just commented was SO disrespectful. I respect your personal decisions and challenges as a friend, and if you’re ACTUALLY my friend, I consider it reasonable that you do the same.”

I, so far, have had no response.

All I want to say is here: I am willing to be vegan because i am willing to push myself beyond the boundaries I saw previously. Also, I need an excuse to turn down all the fatty foods that Xang would probably suck down like a Hoover. As for the “selfless”-ness due to not execting my mom to drive miles out of her way in horrible weather to buy me a pack of fucking clif bars, yeah, that actually was pretty high-minded of me. And the freshman dude who keeps giving me his turkey sandwhichs does so because he doesn’t want to eat them. It has NOTHING to do with his “innocence”. So FUCK THAT SHIT. I won’t go into it unless she says something passive-aggressive in response to my post.

It’s weird, too, because it’s such a HUGE about-face from where our friendship started. When i told her I was starting a juice fast back then, she got all concerned and asked me not to push myself too far, comparing me to the Sainted Schiz who, of course was an ana. But if I go that direction, I’m a loon. *rolls eyes*

Our relationship is a lot different now from when it first began; I think she was more loyal, didn’t take me for granted, and even maybe cared more. She was more concerned. Not to mention how passive-aggressive this whole “recovery” thing has made her! It’s like she looks at me like a total moron for accomplishing what she never could have accomplished. The friendship is SO unbalanced now. She takes me for granted SO fucking much. I miss us making fun of Shiney behind her back, I miss us being immature without her looking down on me, I miss her actually listening to my problems. Deborah at the Bee mentioned something today about how susceptible people are to dream influence, and maybe that’s a solution; for the future, obviously. For now, I’ve got bigger fish to fry.

The fact that she would text her BF with something as painfully mean and spiteful as “If all my friends were like Rose, I would kill myself!”, and then LIE to my face about it during Drama as Lit saying she’d “never texted him mentioning me”! That BITCH. Newsflash? If all her friends were like me, then they’d be a lot more loyal, supportive, funny, and she’d probably be healthier.

Well, her bitchy attempt at sabotage failed. Not only did it fail, but it backfired, because this has made me even MORE determined. I will NOT be weak like she was. I will NOT give in to the lure of fatty processed SHIT. You eat shit, you become shit. You eat like a pig, and you ARE a pig. She’s always complaining about how so many E.D. resources glamourize anorexia like it involves so much self-control, like they’re superior martyrs and bulimics are barfing selfish pigs with no willpower, but…  well, if the shoe fits! Like she can cave so many times and still consider herself equal to anas. She obviously has a complex. She’s probably jealous about me skipping lunches to exercise, eating only a clif bar for lunch, looking so much slimmer now, my sheer determination to make it in the entertainment industry, to be better than before. And now that i’m water fasting, something she has probably NEVER managed to do in her entire piggy LIFE – she’s obviously jealous. Even back when she was dieting she would bring along MASSIVE bags of celery to lunch and just crunchcrunchcrunch, as though even “zero calorie foods” had to be eaten in epic proportions. Where’s her direction in life?

OK, now on to news about the Bee. I went with Janis, Zen, and Janis’ BF. (Zen drove.) I got a reading from Deb that revealed some things I already knew (esp. the fact that my dad is incredibly selfish), and in the end we decided that a hotfoot spell would be best. I paid her $40 upfront and need to bring the rest of it on Wednesday the 17th along with a personal item of dad’s. Janis’ BF seemed kind of weird at first but then he seemed really cool, and i might have almost liked him until I found out they were together. (Since October, but apparently “it’s complicated”.) After we were done at the Bee, we went to Beans & Barley, a vegetarian and vegan restaurant (organic, free-trade, local, etc) that inspired me even more in 2 ways. One way in that
I am DETERMINED to make enough money in showbiz to buy whatever foods I want and have MASSIVE chew-spit binges as well as follow a diet of raw foods one day, one gourmet meal the next day. The other way is that I was around amazing gourmet food constantly and never ONCE actually ate anything. I just had several glasses of icewater and a small glass of cranberry juice. It was really good. Everyone else ordered things like burritos, sandwiches (one was egg and the other panini, I think), & some type of portobello mushroom burger. There were unfinished pickles and tortilla chips and guacamole and stuff, but i ONLY had water. (And the cranberry juice, which is a diuretic and therefore works on the cleanse; plus it’s my first day and i deserve a treat!) Then for desserts, they had a flourless vegan chocolate cake (very rich, apparently), and Janis’ BF had a GIANT slice of chocolate cream coconut pie. OMG IT LOOKED HEAVENLY. A thick layer of whipped cream, chocolate shavings…. mmmmmmmm. I’m not going to lie, it looked ORGASMIC. But I didn’t have ANY. I didn’t even have a second glass of cranberry juice. I couldn’t believe my own will power! Zen and her sister were even passing the slice of rich flourless vegan chocolate cake directly under my nose as they shared bites between them, and I never once cracked although I DID find myself subconsiously reaching for the uneaten chips or almost asking to taste someone’s food without even REALIZING it. I never once complained, though. (The adderall I took this morning probably – no, DEFINITELY had something to do with that!) 😉

So tonight Xang had a party. She invited Shiney. The Twins weren’t there, but Rach was. So was Zen, Janis, Rezzie, Em, and a few others. What I hated the most? SHINEY. DUH. Good news first, then bad news.

  1. Zen gave me a small potted plant, a succulent Jade that I named Faith. It’s tiny and it’s budding, and it stands for prosperity!
  2. Zen, Janis, and I made plans to go to the Bee next weekend, and Janis is bringing her guy friend, a Wiccan. Not gonna lie, I hope he’s cute… 😉
  3. I weigh 153 pounds on a scale that actually works. 😀
  4. I fit into Xang’s peach tutu dress that fits both her and Rach.
  5. I checked out Shiney and she still looks CHUBBSY, especially her belly. I must have seen her butt-crack in those low-rise jeans about 50 times, the dumbass….. >.>
  6. I went to Xang’s party, and was social, or at least relatively social, which used to be a challenge for me. Now it’s less so, but I’m still an outsider. I got to choose the movies, which were Cry Baby and Heathers. Huge hits with the people watching, especially Cry Baby.
  7. Bro and I went to hang at the local college I attend sometimes and I showed him the basement cafe, then we checked out the kids library we used to go to as kids (’70s bamboo furniture! Yurtle the Turle!) and scavenged the free books carts. Right on the top, lying in the very place I would see it, was a first edition of The Witches of Eastwick!!!! It’s TOTALLY a sign. I’m only about 20 pages in but so far it’s the most amazing, feminist thing I’ve ever read!!

Now, the bad news:

  1. I checked Xang’s phone because I was curious about why Shiney had been so clingy about boy issues before. I ended up running into text messages about how “If all my friends were like Rose, I’d kill myself” and “She attaches ‘slut’, ‘whore’, and ‘fat’ to words too often”, and “she’s quick to anger- and to distract”. (Is it MY fault that Xang dismisses my valid concerns?!) It reminds me of the triggering text I found on Rach’s phone about how “And Rose wonders why she has no friends”…
  2. I’m pretty sure that Shiney is sleeping over at Xang’s house tonight and Xang lied. Obviously Em is staying over, since she lives so far away, but I left at around midnight and only Em and Shiney were there; Shiney wasn’t waiting for a ride. I think I heard her mention to Xang about her wanting to go to bed soon, and she didn’t say “go home and go to bed”; Xang mentioned sleeping upstairs on her own and hoping it wasn’t bitchy. So my BFF lied about befriending a toxic bitch and letting her even CLOSER into my life than she already is. And she lied to ME. I have to catch her in this lie…..
  3. Rezzie is a BITCH. Her and Shiney have formed an Evil Alliance of Teapot Squeakies, or EATS, for short, since they’re both rather diminuitive and chubbsy and you don’t get that way without EATing, plus their voices are as unpleasant as a shrilly screeching teapot. I think Rezzie was wearing one of Shiney’s shirts, a green one with lace- actually I’m positive. I didn’t bring it up because I didn’t want Shiney to know that she was getting to me, or that I even noticed. Xang had a peach tutu dress that was totally gorgeous and said it was Rezzie to try on but since it had been like, 2 hours and she was still just making out with her BF, I decided to try it on. It looked great, and I was proud that it fit so well! 🙂 But when I went downstairs, Rezzie took one look at me and her eyes narrowed; she looked like she was going to eat me. I can’t see how Xang manages to stay under the illusion that this girl isn’t crazy just because she smiles and squeaks and talks about how she’s jealous of boobs. NO ONE is that dumb! She glared and said “You NEED to take that dress off.” I didn’t know what to say- I didn’t know she still wanted the dress, and Xang had said I could try on anything from her closet! Then Xang said Rezzie needed it for band concert, so I said I would change later. (I didn’t, and Rezzie never even noticed.) 5 minutes later, she was playing with a lighter, straddling her BF’s lap, right next to a cage of gunea pigs. Literally playing with fire. Xang tells her to stop and she won’t, so Xang lets her get away with it. I point out that she’s giggling and sitting right next to a cage of guinea pigs, and isn’t she worried about the animals? Xang said she couldn’t make her stop. When she got up to get a drink, I told her in private that if i had started playing with a lighter like that, she would flip out & call me a psycho. She responded she had known Rezzie for 6 years and that I shouldn’t play with fire, then. When I got back to the couch, Shiney was “attempting” to take the lighter away from Rezzie by threatening to bite her. Then she saw me looking, leaned in, and did something I couldn’t see- either biting near Rezzie’s lip, on her lips, or kissing her. Bu I could tell from the tone and eye contact it was way flirty. Bunch of sluts.
  4. Shiney is still as obnoxious as ever. So not only have she and Rezzie formed an Evil Alliance of Teapot-Squeakies, but they go lingerie shopping together. As a matter of fact, Shiney passed around her brand new thong (red silk and black lace, AS IF I WANTED TO KNOW!!!!), saying that she wanted to show Rezzie and “It’s okay since I just bought it!” Class-ay. She then later on told Zen, Janis, and I about how she has 9 thongs but only 7 that she wears (TMI ALERT!!! TMI ALERT!!!), and when I made a passive-aggressive comment about how I didn’t need to know & she still persisted, I covered my ears and starting shouting the words to “I’M A LITTLE TEAPOT SHORT AND STOUT!!!” (which I realize in retrospect that Xang and I used to sing under our breaths when we saw her because she was so tiny, fat, and shrill). She then made up some BULL SHIT STORY about how my mom bought me my first thong in 6th grade along with a leopard print dress I never wore. I have no idea what she’s talking about (still don’t), so I told her she was mistaken. She kept insisiting that I had forgotten, but it was true. (I later asked mom, and she remembered nothing, either.) That bitch. Is. PSYCHO. I tried to set it right on facebook by commenting on her page but no response yet…
  5. Shiney is still as obnoxious as ever Part II. (I realize the number above has the same first sentence, but it’s getting so long that I need two numbers dedicated to this craziness). So right before she’s going to sleep over at Shiney’s (which Shiney lied about, I’m 90% sure, btw), she started talking about her “meds” and getting all hyper. She apparently had not taken her night-time pills yet and she took her pills in the morning that were practically “legalized speed”. She forcefully hugged Xang, who looked at me in a strange way, but by then I had put in one of my earphones to my ipod and was listening to Fall Behind Me by The Donnas, my official “crush this bitch into the ground” song designated specifically to Shiney-hating. (My workout could use a boost. ^.^ ) That made the whole experience a lot more satisfying. So Shiney’s tackling Xang and Xang is saying “You’re insane, you’ve been awake too long”, and I just go “Aww, go easy on her Xang, she’s on legalized speed”.  She looked at me and was totally sincere saying that “I take those in the morning, this is totally natural”, and then she jumped up and made the most horrible shrieking-squeal. (Like a motherfucking teapot.) It was obviously faked. She then said, “Actually, I haven’t slept more than 2 hours a night in four weeks”. (Bitch, please! If that were even half-way true right now, you’d probably be dead by now…) I look over at Xang and all she can say is the neutral “Everytime I meet someone with insomnia, I thank the Lord I don’t have it”. I ask Shiney, “Have you tried re-setting your Circadian rhythms?” her eyes go all big in that fake- confused way and says “Yes I’ve tried everything NOTHING works for me”. I just flatly say “Oh, ok”, because frankly, I don’t believe her. But whatever. For a bitch on legalized speed, she sure is a fat one….
  6. Xang is an immature dumbass. In addition to lying to me, she neglected me the whole time and tried to “throw me a bone” by occasionally complementing the peach tutu or saying how much she liked the movie we were watching I had picked. She then decided that she felt compelled to slice and rip her ex-bf’s tshirt. IN FRONT OF HER CURRENT FLAME. Way to not be a psycho, homeslice! I was a total third wheel; Shiney managed to wedge herself onto the couch every damn chance she got and I was left a social floater. I had even asked Xang if I could sit by her when Shiney wasn’t around because I wanted in on the conversation, which I could hear from the other side of the room. I managed to kick her out for a bit, but then she came over and hugged Xang right in front of me, sat on her lap, and then eventually told Xang’s flame (we’ll call him Gas-Mask, due to his strange facial apparel) that he’d have to get used to the “special relationship” between her and Xang. (Wow, faux-lesbianism. How very, very Katy Perry.) I reminded Xang that her last BF had fled due to a girl-on-girl kiss and I was sensing a pattern, but Gas-Mask said it was fine. THEN, when I got up to change DVDs, Shiney asked if it was ok that she got “her” seat back. I said “Ok, it’s not really your seat”, but she’s like “Yeah, but I was sitting here earlier”- and then she sat down anyways. Cunt. At least Schiz wasn’t there….

I’m not even gonna lie, I am SO tempted to post photographs. Just to show off the peach tutu, to show off Shiney’s dumbass, shit-eating grin and tiny, bulky figure. Sonofabitch. But it’s too early to even consider doing anything like that, even though this blog is protected by private settings and only I know about it anyways. I will have to take solace in the fact that this experience triggered me to be better than ever, and beat the asses of the dumb bitches around me by out-doing them- one in particular. >:)

I just am feeling really neglected right now. I got a reading with Cat last night which was spot-on and totally gratifying, but I can’t visit the Bee til this next weekend- a week away. I have a ton of homework and I need to workout. It’s already almost 3AM, technically Sunday. Dad flipped out at me today over my F in Art History- which wasn’t my fault- and Mom ended up taking some of my anti-anxiety meds. Le sigh. And now on top of that, Xang has been turning to Shiney, who i hate more than ever right now, and no matter what I do, I can’t get out. I can’t reason Xang into acting like a normal person and APPRECIATING ME, GODDAMMIT. (She has had her share of issues, and I’m the only one who has been there through everything. but I’m not the one she rewards.) I can’t make my dad go away for a while, until I see Deb at the Bee. I can’t do anything right. All I know is that I deserve better than this, and someday I’m going to have it.

So, long story short, let’s count how many different ways Shiney has annoyed me tonight:

  1. Staying to sleep over while Xang lied about it (am 90% sure).
  2. insipid lesbian-undertone jokes
  3. stealing “her” seat; hogging Xang
  4. constantly mentioning her ex-BF (she had her first valentines with, his pal is a sexist jerk, etc.)
  5. squeaky shrill teapot voice. which I could hear from across the house. THERE IS NO ESCAPE!!!
  6. basically on “legalized speed” …really? is that why you’re still fat?
  7. thong-gate Part I: passing hers around (classy lady! practicing for the strip clubs?)
  8. thong-gate Part II: saying that I’d gotten one from my mom in the 6th grade. and LYING.
  9. exaggerating her sleep-deprivation to superhuman proportions.
  10. forming a EATS alliance; lending Rezzie shirts, going on slutty shopping trips, etc.
  11. letting EVERYONE grope her boobs on the couch; Xang and Rezzie, talking loudly about it.
  12. her biting Rezzie; or kissing her, or whatever!
  13. the way she has been systematically integrating herself into Xang’s life over a period of time; casual contact, invites to a party, texting her during recovery, then vulnerability with boy problems, jumping in to set her up with Gas-Mask (which I didn’t even know was happening!), and now a secret sleepover (probably). How on earth did I not manage to prevent this?!

et cetera