A Rose with Starry Eyes











{February 23, 2010}   things from today

Here are some random things that happened today:

  1. Day 1 of my diet. Am doing pretty well so far; have had 2 servings of carnation with milk & fiber packet and a few M&Ms I found in my pocket, which is no big failure. Took my adderall. Will experiment with a tuna recipe later.
  2. It’s Tuesday, so we’re getting pizza that’s on sale. I’m genuinely not hungry, so I won’t have any. Score 1 for Rose & willpower! 😀
  3. I figured out what tattoo I want: blackbird on right wrist. I also think it was a sign that Andi mentioned the Starship tattoo place yesterday and that it’s so easily accessible. (Some other ideas were the Lorax from Dr. Seuss, a Unitarian Universalist chalice, & a little willow from the Paul McCartney song.) I can’t wait to reach my ugw! 🙂
  4. Have a ton of homework to do; haven’t yet started. *Yawns.* But, ma, it’s boooooooooring!!!
  5. I started counting calories on a website called caloriecount.about.com ; my username is neverfit and my password is my old lunch number code. I love all the nutritional info they have there!
  6. Mom got my schedule for next year all worked out with my idiot guidance counselor.
  7. Today Xang and I set up a display in the library for positive body image and E.D. awareness. She put up her scale, where she had pasted on positive sayings from magazines and crossed off the word “thinner” on it. She also put up a selection of library books. We set it all up this morning, and actually originally put it all on the wrong table. 😛 I’m really happy for her that she took the initiative and cares so much about education on the issue. I told her that my new goal was not to binge, and she said that was good, and that it was actually one of the first challenges in her program; it makes sense. If you don’t binge, you’re far less likely to purge. I’ve decided that I’m going to slowly drop hints about an E.D. the longer she spends getting better and the more weight I lose. I don’t want to relapse her, I just want her concern….
  8. I still haven’t delivered that stuff to the Bee. Urgggh.
  9. Note to self: look up band “The Peirces”.
  10. Made a new online ana friend. Her blog is actually one of the ones I chose to post as a guest star: Anathasy. Our stats are quite similar, and she’s the one who sparked my tattoo idea. She’s already commented on my blog and praised my tuna recipes. 🙂 When I first read her blog, I assumed she was tiny, but now I go back and read them it’s like, finally! Someone whose hw is above mine! Her hw is 182 and mine is only 175ish. Her ugw is 140, but mine is 120. (I’d probably settle for 125 or something, depending on how it looked on me.) She’s an inch taller than me at 5′ 10″, but I’m cool with that.
  11. I realized today that I definitely bear a resemblence to Lindsay Lohan especially if I were to get a nose job. Here’s the link to the ONTD page I noticed it on (http://community.livejournal.com/ohnotheydidnt/44355123.html?page=6#comments), and here’s a link to where you can clearly see the outline of her S.I. scars. (http://img206.imagevenue.com/img.php?image=22397_Lindsay_1164_122_363lo.jpg). Here’s the pic where you can REALLY see the similarity to me! http://img261.imagevenue.com/img.php?image=21990_Lindsay_040_122_40lo.jpg
  12. Some future blog entries I’m planning for my other blog:
    1. the wannarexic chronicles (all about shiney)
    2. before/after pics (of me, once I’m close to my ugw!)
    3. stuff about adderall; how it helped in the past, how it helps celebs, how I got it, risks, rewards, etc. (maybe even include my adderall haiku!)
  13. I found out Rach’s measurements: she’s 5’7″, weighs 120 pounds, and has a 29″ waist. (2 inches shorter than me but she has my ugw and a waist pretty close to my goal.)


{February 14, 2010}   day 2 of water fast

I’ve decided that I’m to going to continue fasting til I’m 120 pounds; or 125, at least.

Day 2. My mom is making eggs and offered me some, but i turned them down. I’m pretty sure i heard mom and dad discussing Valentine’s goodies (chocolate stuff), but I don’t want any. So far I’ve turned down Rocky Rococo’s, Beans & Barley, Valentine’s goodies, and eggs for breakfast. Dad is currently making pancakes (with whipped cream and maple syrupsizzling bacon and just brought home the good-tasting type of icecream, but I’m not tempted. I can also see that someone got a box of angel food cake and devil’s food cake with frosting, but that stuff is just pure carbs and FAT. I don’t want any. (I feel that the more I remember my mental list, the more likely I am to continue turning down foods. After all, if you’ve come THIS far, why stop now for something that’s not worth it?) It’s only 9AM but I don’t feel hungry or anything. I just had a third a cup of orange juice and chew-spit a small pancake with whipped cream, careful to rinse all the crumbs out of my mouth by swirling water around.

My measurements as of this morning:

chest: 36 and a half / waist: 33″ / hips: 38″ / calves: 14″ / thighs: 20 and a fourth / upper arm: __ / under-bra: 30″

I now weight 147 pounds, down from 153 on February 7th. So I lost 6 pounds.

Xang has been online and commented on some things since last night but NOT on what I’ve responded to her. So she’s basically giving me the silent treatment, which frankly, I’m fine with. What I need to be doing is to lay low and just avoid talking about this stuff. I’ll get thinner and thinner and she’ll just stay the same. The best thing is that I won’t talk about it, it’ll just happen, and before she knows it, we won’t be able to share clothes any longer. We won’t be the same size, and when we go to the pool in the summer (like I INSIST we shall do), I’ll be a bikini babe and she’ll be the same ole Xang. No progress. I wouldn’t even be this bitchy about it if it weren’t for the fact that she was SO passive-aggressive about my water fast!

My brother and I talked last night. It turns out his crush is in the hospital, probably for a suicide attempt, although he was worried she might be dead. (I reassured him otherwise.) We talked some stuff about my ED, too; I asked him how he thought I’d look if I were 120 pounds, and he said I’d be extremely skinny. Also, I told him about how tempted I was to do chew-spit at the Beans & Barley store, and asked him if he thought it would work to not gain weight but still have the taste. He pointed out how wasteful it would be but said that chew and spit would probably work. (Though I’m obviously NOT doing that while I’m fasting. Even ONE OUNCE of food makes it past these lips and my body won’t go into ketosis. Without ketosis, I won’t burn fat like crazy and lose the weight. KETOSIS IS KEY.)

I want to keep going with the water fast for at LEAST 10 days, since that’s how long it takes to see maximum weight loss results. After day 3, your body goes into ketosis, so it basically burns fat as fuel instead of the sugars stored in your liver called glycogen. You lose about an two or three ounces of muscle mass on the second day, but on the third your body’s energy needs are almost fully met by ketosis. From day 3 onwards, the body’s rate of using fat as fuel increases steadily, up until Day 10, when it hits it’s peak. After day 3 I’m going on the elliptical and doing yoga, because I figure if my body is going to be in the maximum fat-burning zone, then I should be able to burn more calories when I’m there. I need to burn as many as possible, so maybe I’ll do callanetics then, too…

good links to add:



{January 28, 2010}   great day today :D

SO much cool stuff happened today. First life updates, then body updates.

  1. Someone brought a puppy to Envrio Sci today. It was a “Bor-a-dor”, part border collie, part labrador. It was ADORABLE!!
  2. At lunch, Xang and I started bitching at eachother- kind of jokingly, but still a bit loaded. I’d said that “Holy shit, these cookies have 210 calories?!” (They belonged to Jamie.) Amy said that some people might find it triggering or insulting, and I said she was projecting, Jamie made a bulimia joke and I said it insulted Xang who was bulimic…. things got kind of hazardous. It ended with Xang saying that “Rose is only eating granola bars so that she can get down to where I was before [reference to her ED] and we’ll have to have a lunch table intervention.” That was a major trigger for me. I’m going to keep reminding myself of that phrase- it’s concrete evidence she views me as a wannarexic. This is practically a challenge.
  3. I took my 30 mg adderall, and it really worked. I didn’t get jittery and I felt SO focused. I finished all 4 of my Enviro Sci packets, my inernat’l relations packet,  and got partway through my Eviro Q&A. Plus I took a nap.
  4. In my Drama as Lit class, we read a play out loud. I led the lead female part and think I did a pretty good job- a guy from forensics asked if I had thought about forensics and told me I should consider joining. Amy was really happy for me, and Rachel said that it was a great sign and it didn’t happen to everyone. I think I’ll go to a meeting on Tuesday…. It might be awkward because I totally flaked out on them last year, but if I’m serious about acting, it has to be done. (Plus forensics goes til May; if I do the crossroads by spring, I’ll have a place to show off my new talents!)

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