A Rose with Starry Eyes











{February 23, 2010}   Shiney updates

OK, so basically when I told Xang this morning that Shiney is still crash-dieting, abusing her meds and eating goldfish crackers, she revealed to me that Shiney is also still cutting. Apparently she stopped for a while when she was still with her old BF (he took away her scissors – ikr, she uses scissors to cut!), but she’s back again. I mentioned I was surprised that she didn’t use an exacto-blade, and Xang said that she likes to carry around sharp things, even if she only uses scissors. We both agreed that it’s weird that I knew she crash-dieted and Xang knew that she did S.I., but neither of us knew the other’s info, although apparently Xang told Shiney NOT to tell her is she WAS crash-dieting. So, Shiney really still IS a wannarexic. *Sigh* Apparently you can tell when she cuts from when she wears those asinine arm bands that cover her wrists; and here I always thought it was a rumor that those were for cutters….

I am, of course, am taking this as a personal challenge. If Shiney really DOES still struggle with this stuff, then won’t it just kill her to see me succeeding while she stagnates and fails? Especially if I choose to make my E.D. public; there are a lot of ways of doing it so that it’s subtle but not overlooked by everyone. I could see a specializing therapist or check into recovery (though I wouldn’t want to gain the weight back!), or I could try to model or something. Or I could fast publicly, make an announcement and ask for donations to a fund. The key to having attention from therapy yet not truly having to change my patterns would be: (1) making sure my shrink doesn’t know I abuse adderall – or else I’ll never be able to get a prescription again! , (2) making sure they don’t find out about the blog or my other blog, or my online thinspo collections, and (3) not gaining too much weight back, of course. And also not letting them knows my triggers, specifically my anti-Shiney/personal challenge, competitive trigger….

I almost feel proud of myself, in a twisted way, that I picked up on this so quick and realized she was back in her old rut within a week or two of it coming into my mind. (Esp. when you consider that Xang and Rach were both withholding insider info.) When I see Rach next, I’m going to ask her if she knows that Shiney is cutting…

~

EDIT:

Alright, so yeah, Rach knew. And she thought it was funny that I was the last to know everything. I think she also said it didn’t matter or something like that; I said it did because I didn’t know she was still sick, I thought she’d gotten better, and Rach replied that Xang had “always been sick”. I said “well what about middle school?” and Rach just sort of shrugged, like she’d been less sick but only less, not anything like a regular person.

I also asked Xang about Shiney mentioning suicide; at one point she had told me about cutting herself form collarbone to groin so she could see her inside, and Xang said she’d been told that too, only it was so that she would make a beautiful/interesting corpse. Xang actually agreed with me on how ridiculous it was; apparently Shiney flips out whenever there are needles or blood. (So why the fuck does she cut herself?!)



et cetera