A Rose with Starry Eyes

{February 25, 2010}   calorie counting

estimated start weight: 150 pounds

February 23: 896 calories total, no exercise. (biggest weakness: pizza slice for dinner.)

February 24: 916 calories consumed, 174 calories burned by 45 minutes exercise, 742 calories total. callanetics full DVD. (biggest weakness: clif bar as a school snack.)

weight on February 24: 146 pounds (weighed on house scale on flat bathroom floor)

February 25:

February 26:

February 27:

February 28:


Good news first:

  1. I made a new friend! *knocks wood* Her name is…. damn. Now I need another codename. I’ll call her Lexie. SO, she was doing prose too. She didn’t make the finals, and her knees were literally knocking together when she gave her speech, but it was only her second week and she wrote it herself! It was really good – about how normalcy is relative and no one truly fits that description. We talked in between rounds and it turns out that we have a LOT in common. (We talked Haiti, the DSM-IV criteria has been changed, Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, Gay-Straight Alliance, etc.) She came up to me at the last moment after awards and gave me her number, saying “if you ever want to talk”. I’ll call her tomorrow… I can ask her about forensics, how she did, if she watches Dr Who or has an email/facebook, where she lives and goes to school, if she wants to see a movie with me… Or maybe go to Half Price Books instead? Huh… It’s especially weird since I was thinking lately how I need a new best friend, or at least an additional one, since Xang is busy with Gas Mask and can be kind of cranky sometimes. And Lexie seemed so intelligent! (Too bad I’m awkward at phone conversations!)
  2. I’ve also been more social with people from my school’s forensics. I met an adorable, puppy-dog-looking guy Max who also is in prose and kind of failed as badly as I did. I chatted casually with Katie and tried to be social, talked to my bro’s friend Andy. There was one really cute guy, tall, probably a sophmore; I’ll call him C. We sat next to eachother at a full table and he helped open a packet of Swedish fish for me. (I would ask him to a dance or something but he might have a GF, and how embarrassing would it be to get turned down by a damn SOPHMORE. No… I actually think he might be a freshman! )
  3. Mom got me a used suit from Goodwill that’s rather flattering on my figure. It’s black and draping with nice movement.
  4. One of the girls (who placed third) did a story by JJ Jonas called “Home-coming Queen” that was thinspirational at first but sad in the end. REALLY great writing, though, like a pep-talk speech should be! (It was all about how a girl wanted to outdo her highschool rival, only to find out the rival was sweet and a recent stroke victim. Ignore that part, though, and it was GREAT thinspo!)
  5. WARNING: TMI AHEAD. Three BMs in three days! I don’t know what I’m doing other than drinking more water, but it’s working!

Bad news:

  1. I didn’t win anything. I didn’t even get into the finals. I heard a LOT of great prose but they were mostly humorous with one serious that won first place & a serio-comic that won third. I ended up doing the Kate Chopin peice from the late 1800s, which I hough I did okay at but only scored a 4 consistently with all judges, with 5 being the worst.  I am SO changing my monologue! Maybe something from Wasted? No… something from… A girl did Princess Diaries and didn’t place but got in the finals. I thought it ws frivolous, but she DID make finals. I need to brainstorm more….
  2. I TOTALLY binged. I hadn’t taken my adderall, and I ate a 200 cal packet of Swedish fish, a giant chocolate muffin, a bagel with TONS of cream cheese, a bag of movie popcorn, a clif bar, and a peanut butter cookie. UGGH. STUPID CARBS. I ate too much yesterday, too. My tummy is ballooning…

Unclassified news:

  1. Shiney hasn’t joined forensics and isn’t going to. I wonder if she lied about joining to try to scare me off or to try to imply she was my match? Maybe she’s just a plain ole compulsive liar! It doesn’t matter anyways. Fresh experiences with fresh people, and fewer worries as well!
  2. The girl who DID win prose was WAY skinny. She was like a real-life thinspo… she had the tiniest little legs, long and in heels, and you could tell under her grey suit (blazer & skirt) that she was quite slim. It flattered her SO MUCH. ANYTHING flatters you if you’re thin, including other people! 😉 The fact she placed first in the conference AND looked so much thinner than me is depressing… plus she’s younger. AND she even looks great in a very short haircut; not even bobbed, but trimmed so short it’s almost Mia Farrow. >.> I could NEVER pull that off with my baby-fat face… (Still waiting to get my flex-effect facial exercises kit!)
  3. I have somehow discovered the beauty in bones. I went through a LOT of thinspo last night, as I’m sure my previous posts will illustrate, and certain places triggered me. I still don’t want bones in certain places – clavicles will ALWAYS look gross to me, nobby knees are sickening (in a bad way!), and don’t get me STARTED on how gross it is when you can see the veins in a woman’s hands. Or ANYONE’S hands. it ages you so much. BUT, i do want to see my collar bones. I want to be petite and skinny with a few bones highlighted, not enough to look sickly. I don’t want to take things too far and I don’t want to be in pain because of my bones, but let’s face it, I’m at least 150. This poundage is just not necessary. I love collarbones, hipbones (just a little bit slanting down, not like jutting and scary), and wristbones. I really want killer cheekbones, curved and jutting outwards, visible in photos from any angle. (Plus the more weight you lose on your face to accentuate cheekbones, the bigger your eyes will seem!) I’m borderline about ribs. I really don’t think I like them just yet. I don’t think I ever will! They remind me too much of playing the xylophone. XD

Personal thinspo:

  • Sophia Loren/ Guess model from 2008 campaign shot by Bryan Adams: prominent cheekbones, straight nose (not Sophia’s), strong jaw but not manly. statuesque and curved but NOT big-boned. hair is lush and thick, looks fine worn short because nose has been changed. very thick lashes framing eyes, and pulpy lips. (link to campaign here: http://fashionflirt24.blogspot.com/2008/05/bryan-adams-for-guess-campaign.html)

{February 14, 2010}   day 2 of water fast

I’ve decided that I’m to going to continue fasting til I’m 120 pounds; or 125, at least.

Day 2. My mom is making eggs and offered me some, but i turned them down. I’m pretty sure i heard mom and dad discussing Valentine’s goodies (chocolate stuff), but I don’t want any. So far I’ve turned down Rocky Rococo’s, Beans & Barley, Valentine’s goodies, and eggs for breakfast. Dad is currently making pancakes (with whipped cream and maple syrupsizzling bacon and just brought home the good-tasting type of icecream, but I’m not tempted. I can also see that someone got a box of angel food cake and devil’s food cake with frosting, but that stuff is just pure carbs and FAT. I don’t want any. (I feel that the more I remember my mental list, the more likely I am to continue turning down foods. After all, if you’ve come THIS far, why stop now for something that’s not worth it?) It’s only 9AM but I don’t feel hungry or anything. I just had a third a cup of orange juice and chew-spit a small pancake with whipped cream, careful to rinse all the crumbs out of my mouth by swirling water around.

My measurements as of this morning:

chest: 36 and a half / waist: 33″ / hips: 38″ / calves: 14″ / thighs: 20 and a fourth / upper arm: __ / under-bra: 30″

I now weight 147 pounds, down from 153 on February 7th. So I lost 6 pounds.

Xang has been online and commented on some things since last night but NOT on what I’ve responded to her. So she’s basically giving me the silent treatment, which frankly, I’m fine with. What I need to be doing is to lay low and just avoid talking about this stuff. I’ll get thinner and thinner and she’ll just stay the same. The best thing is that I won’t talk about it, it’ll just happen, and before she knows it, we won’t be able to share clothes any longer. We won’t be the same size, and when we go to the pool in the summer (like I INSIST we shall do), I’ll be a bikini babe and she’ll be the same ole Xang. No progress. I wouldn’t even be this bitchy about it if it weren’t for the fact that she was SO passive-aggressive about my water fast!

My brother and I talked last night. It turns out his crush is in the hospital, probably for a suicide attempt, although he was worried she might be dead. (I reassured him otherwise.) We talked some stuff about my ED, too; I asked him how he thought I’d look if I were 120 pounds, and he said I’d be extremely skinny. Also, I told him about how tempted I was to do chew-spit at the Beans & Barley store, and asked him if he thought it would work to not gain weight but still have the taste. He pointed out how wasteful it would be but said that chew and spit would probably work. (Though I’m obviously NOT doing that while I’m fasting. Even ONE OUNCE of food makes it past these lips and my body won’t go into ketosis. Without ketosis, I won’t burn fat like crazy and lose the weight. KETOSIS IS KEY.)

I want to keep going with the water fast for at LEAST 10 days, since that’s how long it takes to see maximum weight loss results. After day 3, your body goes into ketosis, so it basically burns fat as fuel instead of the sugars stored in your liver called glycogen. You lose about an two or three ounces of muscle mass on the second day, but on the third your body’s energy needs are almost fully met by ketosis. From day 3 onwards, the body’s rate of using fat as fuel increases steadily, up until Day 10, when it hits it’s peak. After day 3 I’m going on the elliptical and doing yoga, because I figure if my body is going to be in the maximum fat-burning zone, then I should be able to burn more calories when I’m there. I need to burn as many as possible, so maybe I’ll do callanetics then, too…

good links to add:

{February 12, 2010}   MY FIRST THEATRE AUDITION!!!

OK, so I went to the audition anyways. There were 2 segments to it: dancing and singing. The man said that if they like me enough I’ll get a callback to come in and read the script… I didn’t see everyone sing but I think I saw, maybe a little less than half the singers. The horrible thing was that the pianist SUCKED and literally played random sour notes that were at least an octave or two above my voice. According to mom, who was sitting in the back row, she could hear me quite well, which wasn’t the case for a lot of other singers! I got really nervous and a little bit scattered – the auditorium was huge – but in her opinion I was one of the top 25% singers. (There were some people who really sucked, though!)

I don’t know how many people they contact for callbacks, but I maybe have a shot….? Maybe. I’m on the lower end of the callback spectrum, though. I think my dancing was okay, I hope – there were some people who were kind of older/uncoordinated. I hope I at LEAST beat them!

I think I have at least a shot at a part in the chorus… Or maybe the part of Bet? She’s supposed to be about 16 and she’s an alto, too. Or maybe it’s just wishful thinking on my part….

I prayed to Expedite to get me the part of Nancy within a week – no delivery, no reward for the saint. I also wore the Crown of Success and Look Me Over, praying over both of them.

So, today I went on the stationary bike during lunch and burned about 210 calories. We went snow-shoeing outdoors in gym class, so that probably made a dent. I also walked to the local college and ran up and down the stairs ten times total (4 floors, up and down counts as one time). I never did figure out where the gym was… I spent a few hours in the library cutting out words, pics, etc. from Harper’s Bazaar. Pretty soon I’m going to need to figure out what type of collages I’m going to make- a scrap book, a bunch of posters, etc. I should make some notecards too, so that I can laminate them and tape them in my notebooks, and eventually when I get my own place, on the mirror, doors, fridge – especially the fridge!

Unfortunately, despite my decent workout ethic today, I also had a weak moment. I got home, stressed and ravenous (we’re out of Clif bars, the only thing I am willing to eat for lunch, and I refuse to stress mom out further by expecting her to drive in bad weather to get them), and ate a large bowl of raisin bran with strawberry yogurt. And that might not have been so bad… had I stopped there. I also had two or three large slices of Mom’s homemade banana bread. I could literally feel my stomach expanding, and I flashed back to all those times I had binged after school, gotten depressed, ruined my diet, and continued the cycle. Even though it was cold outside, I walked to the local college and did my thing. in retrospect, a good choice, although it did eat up a couple hours of my day. (Better than my eating for a couple hours of the day! XD)

Rather than hating myself over a weak moment, I’ve decided to embrace this as a learning experience, since self-hatred leads to failure. This is an empowering experience; it is a step on the road to becoming an actress! It is not an obstacle, but a piece of a puzzle!

What I have learned from my mistakes today:

  • right after Internat’l Rel, drop off backpack and stuff in the Drama as Lit room, then head right to the gym. DO NOT stop for small talk or say hi to people!
  • as soon as you get on the bike, increase the intensity. the reason I didn’t burn the projected amount of calories today is because I started out too slow and didn’t build fast enough. Start out at 6.5 intensity.
  • when the afterschool cravings are about to hit, take a 10 mg adderall; enough to suppress your hunger but not enough to keep you awake at night!

What I ate today:

  • Carnation drink, organic milk: 230 cals
  • 1 oz almonds: 160 cals
  • 2 and a half slices banana bread: 400 calories?

Exercise I did today:

  • Snow-shoeing for 30 min. estimate
  • stationary bike for 40 min; went 5 miles/21 laps, burned 210 cals
  • ran up & down 4 flights of stairs 10x

That’s actually not too bad, knock on wood! 🙂


{January 31, 2010}   ups and downs.

I’ve done callanetics several times and I think my body is tighter. I can tell from my abs and legs, where I could literally feel it for days afterwards, that the workout was working. I’m going to do it again today.


I’ve also decided to alter my diet plan, since it really wasn’t working before. It was too extreme. I’ve been reading a book called “5 Factor Fitness”, written by the same person who’s a trainer for Halle Berry and a lot of other Hollywood hotties. I learned that you need to have protein with every meal because otherwise your body doesn’t hold onto it the way it holds onto carbs and fat. (Not fair, right?!) I’m adding almonds to my diet since they’re high in calcium and protein. Since I’m a vegetarian, I’m hesitant to add turkey to my diet, but it’s so high in lean protein, I think I have to, or else I’ll run out of almonds too fast. He says to eat 5 small meals a day spaced out- so I’ve decided that I’m going to do the following plan:

  1. Breakfast: carnation drink packet with organic milk and a benefiber packet stirred in; optional banana. Also take 30 mg adderall XR
  2. Lunch: clif bar, water, benefiber packet. (I eat lunch early, so I don’t need a mid-morning snack.)
  3. Snack at 2pm-ish: 1 serving almonds, water. I always get hungry during this part of the day and binge at home, so no more of that! I’ll also take a 15 mg adderall to prevent a metabolism crash.
  4. Dinner at 5pm-ish: V8 juice, turkey (?… not really sure).
  5. Late night snack: fruit sorbet cup, 100 calories.

The book also contains a workout plan that I intend to follow, in addition to callanetics. I work out doing certain moves 5 days a week and it only takes 20 minutes! This is definitely someting I can stick to. I’ll need to use weights for a few exercises, but other than that it’ll be fine. I need to do more weight training anyways.


Personal life updates:

  1. The reading I payed for with that psychic is finally coming through. I’m supposed to call her on Friday. I’m really looking forward to it, since it should answer some big questions about my life.
  2. Got into a fight with Xang last night over IM, both about her friendship with Shiney and what she said about me the other day that triggered me. (See my previous quote of the day.) I think I’ll just apologize for the fight and invite her over afterschool on Monday to hang out and make up. I can deal with Shiney later- I’ll use hoodoo to make her fat and scare off her friends. For now, I’m focusing on bigger fish; my own success and bodily transformation, and the issue of X that I’m gettig the reading about.
  3. Thanks to aforementioned fight, I feel that I am now in unspoken competition with both Shiney and Xang. Xang is in recovery, so it doesn’t seem quite fair, but Shiney is still as annoying as ever, and I would LOVE to see her get engorged and fat as I get slimmer and slimmer.

et cetera