A Rose with Starry Eyes











{February 23, 2010}   things from today

Here are some random things that happened today:

  1. Day 1 of my diet. Am doing pretty well so far; have had 2 servings of carnation with milk & fiber packet and a few M&Ms I found in my pocket, which is no big failure. Took my adderall. Will experiment with a tuna recipe later.
  2. It’s Tuesday, so we’re getting pizza that’s on sale. I’m genuinely not hungry, so I won’t have any. Score 1 for Rose & willpower! 😀
  3. I figured out what tattoo I want: blackbird on right wrist. I also think it was a sign that Andi mentioned the Starship tattoo place yesterday and that it’s so easily accessible. (Some other ideas were the Lorax from Dr. Seuss, a Unitarian Universalist chalice, & a little willow from the Paul McCartney song.) I can’t wait to reach my ugw! 🙂
  4. Have a ton of homework to do; haven’t yet started. *Yawns.* But, ma, it’s boooooooooring!!!
  5. I started counting calories on a website called caloriecount.about.com ; my username is neverfit and my password is my old lunch number code. I love all the nutritional info they have there!
  6. Mom got my schedule for next year all worked out with my idiot guidance counselor.
  7. Today Xang and I set up a display in the library for positive body image and E.D. awareness. She put up her scale, where she had pasted on positive sayings from magazines and crossed off the word “thinner” on it. She also put up a selection of library books. We set it all up this morning, and actually originally put it all on the wrong table. 😛 I’m really happy for her that she took the initiative and cares so much about education on the issue. I told her that my new goal was not to binge, and she said that was good, and that it was actually one of the first challenges in her program; it makes sense. If you don’t binge, you’re far less likely to purge. I’ve decided that I’m going to slowly drop hints about an E.D. the longer she spends getting better and the more weight I lose. I don’t want to relapse her, I just want her concern….
  8. I still haven’t delivered that stuff to the Bee. Urgggh.
  9. Note to self: look up band “The Peirces”.
  10. Made a new online ana friend. Her blog is actually one of the ones I chose to post as a guest star: Anathasy. Our stats are quite similar, and she’s the one who sparked my tattoo idea. She’s already commented on my blog and praised my tuna recipes. 🙂 When I first read her blog, I assumed she was tiny, but now I go back and read them it’s like, finally! Someone whose hw is above mine! Her hw is 182 and mine is only 175ish. Her ugw is 140, but mine is 120. (I’d probably settle for 125 or something, depending on how it looked on me.) She’s an inch taller than me at 5′ 10″, but I’m cool with that.
  11. I realized today that I definitely bear a resemblence to Lindsay Lohan especially if I were to get a nose job. Here’s the link to the ONTD page I noticed it on (http://community.livejournal.com/ohnotheydidnt/44355123.html?page=6#comments), and here’s a link to where you can clearly see the outline of her S.I. scars. (http://img206.imagevenue.com/img.php?image=22397_Lindsay_1164_122_363lo.jpg). Here’s the pic where you can REALLY see the similarity to me! http://img261.imagevenue.com/img.php?image=21990_Lindsay_040_122_40lo.jpg
  12. Some future blog entries I’m planning for my other blog:
    1. the wannarexic chronicles (all about shiney)
    2. before/after pics (of me, once I’m close to my ugw!)
    3. stuff about adderall; how it helped in the past, how it helps celebs, how I got it, risks, rewards, etc. (maybe even include my adderall haiku!)
  13. I found out Rach’s measurements: she’s 5’7″, weighs 120 pounds, and has a 29″ waist. (2 inches shorter than me but she has my ugw and a waist pretty close to my goal.)


{February 23, 2010}   Shiney updates

OK, so basically when I told Xang this morning that Shiney is still crash-dieting, abusing her meds and eating goldfish crackers, she revealed to me that Shiney is also still cutting. Apparently she stopped for a while when she was still with her old BF (he took away her scissors – ikr, she uses scissors to cut!), but she’s back again. I mentioned I was surprised that she didn’t use an exacto-blade, and Xang said that she likes to carry around sharp things, even if she only uses scissors. We both agreed that it’s weird that I knew she crash-dieted and Xang knew that she did S.I., but neither of us knew the other’s info, although apparently Xang told Shiney NOT to tell her is she WAS crash-dieting. So, Shiney really still IS a wannarexic. *Sigh* Apparently you can tell when she cuts from when she wears those asinine arm bands that cover her wrists; and here I always thought it was a rumor that those were for cutters….

I am, of course, am taking this as a personal challenge. If Shiney really DOES still struggle with this stuff, then won’t it just kill her to see me succeeding while she stagnates and fails? Especially if I choose to make my E.D. public; there are a lot of ways of doing it so that it’s subtle but not overlooked by everyone. I could see a specializing therapist or check into recovery (though I wouldn’t want to gain the weight back!), or I could try to model or something. Or I could fast publicly, make an announcement and ask for donations to a fund. The key to having attention from therapy yet not truly having to change my patterns would be: (1) making sure my shrink doesn’t know I abuse adderall – or else I’ll never be able to get a prescription again! , (2) making sure they don’t find out about the blog or my other blog, or my online thinspo collections, and (3) not gaining too much weight back, of course. And also not letting them knows my triggers, specifically my anti-Shiney/personal challenge, competitive trigger….

I almost feel proud of myself, in a twisted way, that I picked up on this so quick and realized she was back in her old rut within a week or two of it coming into my mind. (Esp. when you consider that Xang and Rach were both withholding insider info.) When I see Rach next, I’m going to ask her if she knows that Shiney is cutting…

~

EDIT:

Alright, so yeah, Rach knew. And she thought it was funny that I was the last to know everything. I think she also said it didn’t matter or something like that; I said it did because I didn’t know she was still sick, I thought she’d gotten better, and Rach replied that Xang had “always been sick”. I said “well what about middle school?” and Rach just sort of shrugged, like she’d been less sick but only less, not anything like a regular person.

I also asked Xang about Shiney mentioning suicide; at one point she had told me about cutting herself form collarbone to groin so she could see her inside, and Xang said she’d been told that too, only it was so that she would make a beautiful/interesting corpse. Xang actually agreed with me on how ridiculous it was; apparently Shiney flips out whenever there are needles or blood. (So why the fuck does she cut herself?!)



{February 18, 2010}   random life updates

On the Subject of Corsetry

OK, so I talked to Rach today and she said she knows a girl (maddie) who knows someone who is AMAZING at making corsets (sara), including for the purpose of tight-lacing. (The corset-making girl’s mom makes them professionally and taught her how.) It only costs $100 to cover the supplies! Of course, now the girl Sara is in college in Minneapolis-St Paul and may not have the time to make one, but I friended Maddie to discuss where she got it just in case. Apparently both of those girls have used it themselves but I believe the corset-making girl in question overdid it and her organs got in trouble.

Rach, of course, told me how concerned she is about this stuff, even though I honestly tried to reassure her. I said that if I ordered from Romantasy I would have a trainer & manual to make sure everything went alright, plus I’d take it slow and reduce only 6 inches off my waist when starting from 31. She got all iffy about it and Rach said that her own waist was 29″ and her mom’s waist (who is my height) is about 28″. I told her that her mom could probably still take off 3 inches and be healthy, but Rach remained skeptical. She said it wouldn’t look right on my body type. I insisted that of course I would lose weight as I went, and my body type would adjust and I’d see what looks natural. I brought up Dita Von Teese’s uncorseted 22-inch waist and corseted 16-inch waist, but Rach asked how tall she was. I lied and said “about my height?”, but I’ve looked it up and she’s 5’6″. (Still not too much of a stretch!) I reassured Rach that I didn’t want to get extreme but she said “that’s what they ALL say”.

Note: DAMN Rach’s mom! 5′ 9″, 28 inch waist, and does 16 miles a night on the stationary bike?! Now SHE is a thinspiration!

On the Subject of Mom

VERY cool mom news. She told me while driving back from Forensics that she’s going to enter a film contest that’s due in 39 days. She says she’s going out to film Grandpa’s motorcycle race in a few days and make it about how people let their desires go and even though motorcycling was his passion for so may years, he only just got back into this year. It’s about why he put it off, and why he’s going back. It’s supposed to be uplifting. I didn’t mention it to her, but I think mom is going back to something she loved, too! She talked about her ideas and how she didn’t want to bite off more than could chew, to take it slow and get it done. She said things about “serendipity” and used all these other words that basically mean the Universe lines up.

I have to admit, I’ve sort of seen this coming since maybe a month of so ago when she brough out that old film projector she used to have in college and played some film reels for everybody in the family. My biggest hope is that she FINISHES it and doesn’t lose steam, doesn’t lose faith in herself. Doesn’t let dad get her down; hoping that he doesn’t sense her newfound freedom and try and squash it. (Although in my reading, Cat DID mention that by October, she’d have solid female friends to heal her and help her live her life again. Maybe this is the first step? *knocks wood*) Maybe the Universe IS lining up for her…

On the Subject of Forensics

I went today and didn’t get a chance to read, but my desire is renewed. There’s a weird rush I feel about public speaking – probably because it’s as close to performing as I can get at the moment. I’m almost done typing out the story, which is by Kate Chopin, although I still have to figure out how to do a German accent for the mother and whether or not my lead character has a soft, feminine New Orleans drawl.

I THINK my first meet is this weekend, if I’m not greatly mistaken…

On the Subject of Body

I am PMS-ing today, so I don’t want to measure or consider my binge an actual binge. (I’ll wait til the cravings, back-aches, and cramps go away. XD) Hopefully I’m okay.

On thing that mom also told me driving back from Forensics is that I look so skinny and am probably the same weight I was back in middle school only taller now. That got me thinking. In middle school I was what, size 6 jeans and 140 to 150 pounds? I AM almost back there! I got down to 147 the other day (during a fast), so I technically AM there! This is NO TIME for slouching. I need to buckle down on my homework and get my workout ass in gear. Callanetics every night- I will clear the table in the way before I go to bed!

A sign from the Universe: my favorite gossip blogger, Lainey, has started talking about Harley Pasternack and his 5 Factor Fitness program, and following it daily on her site. I think this means I need to get around to doing his workout – if Lainey is featuring it, it MUST be legit! (Plus it popped up practically the day after I broke my water fast.)

On the Subject of Body Envy

OK, I get it. Weird topic. But I’m on adderall, I’m bored, and I really feel the need to continue writing. Having almost run out of things to write about (other than my homework – god forbid!!!), I shall write about Rach’s mom, whose figure I envy even though she is decades older than me and is probably in her early 50s.

She’s about my height (5′ 9″ – ish) and apparently does 16 mile a day on a stationary bike, which I estimate burns about 600 calories. Also, when i stayed over at their house for a few days, I saw that she occasionally did workout tapes downstairs. OK, fair enough. Her family eats healthy, which is great, although apparently Rach’s mom is so stressed all the time that it’s the source of her thinness. (Um, luck! When I get stressed, I cry or binge or both. Maybe I should implement a new rule that I can only eat when I’m happy or something…? or only eat when I’ve just done something productive!) Her waist is 28″, and that’s a whole inch less than her daughter’s. The daughter whom she gave birth to. Ugh.

She obviously has a fast metabolism on her side, but she doesn’t smoke or take diet pills, and even metabolism slows as you age. What I find so inspiring about her is that she has an upper-management job that she puts a lot of hours into but still manages to exercise so much and stay healthy AND thin. She’s assertive and funny and awesome; and her body is still in a shape that I envy, even though I’m young enough to be her daughter.

Someday, I WILL have a body like that. And someday soon.



{February 12, 2010}   quote of the day

“My mom does 16 miles on the stationary bike every night.”

~Rach, commenting on her ultra-skinny mom, after seeing I went only 5 miles during gym.

more behind the cut.

Read the rest of this entry »



OK, so today Shiney decided to wear absolutely HIDEOUS face makeup again, the way she used to; it’s all sort of vines and little flowers and stuff, and tacky Egyptian looking scrawls around the eyes, like in a heiroglyph. I think it was eyepencil rather than liquid eyeliner. When I asked her if it was supposed to be flowers, she just said “I don’t know –  I just scribbled all over my face! They’re just scribbles.” Like she was some genius or something. She looks so dumb. I can’t help but wonder if my exercise facebook status and my Wasted book really was taken as a challenge…

More funny Shiney news: she apparently was going to give the guy’s friend $25 if he went to prom with her as a friend, and $50 if it turned into something more. And she’d texted Rach to say that she would “put out” on a first date. Shaggy not only found out, but he still wouldn’t go out with her!! XD Plus, Twin Red was complaining today about how she always comes over to talk to Mr. Co-dependent when he doesn’t even like her; no one at our table likes her! (I still get a kick out of how freaked he is that she’s always soclosetohim.)

Yet another Shiney update: she’s been doing the disordered eating thing since 2 years ago, but while she was dating her Ex it wasn’t as bad. Since he dumped her, though, things have gotten worse again. She still does the dumbass goldfish crackers diet, she’s still taking Concerta (which is like Adderall), and she might even still be doing S.I. or something for all I know. That explains why she wore the stupid makeup today… It’s funny though, that I was just looking over a list a few days ago of the things I would want to make her do to herself – the eyeliner scribbles was one of them. Another thing was that her BF would post ugly scanty photos of her online- and it happened from her cell “by accident”. That’s so weird… I need to re-baptize my “spirit” and see if I can’t get it working for me. Tonight.

I haven’t told anyone at school about the audition. I updated my LJ blog and told my little brother, but that’s all. I don’t want to jinx it, and it’ll be a surprise if I DO get the part, after all! 🙂 I just don’t know what else I’ll talk about in the mean time… (EDIT: I told Rach, but  I truly had a good feeling about it. Not Xang, though… she was pretty nuetral today.)

My legs are super-ultra-sore, although when I showed my brother the muscle definition he literally said “wow”. I really need to start training something else… I will move the table today to do callanetics. My abs need work. AND I haven’t exactly lost weight lately – my problem is that I keep bingeing afterschool. This NEEDS to be remedied, ASAP. My biggest weakness is definitely cereal with yogurt followed by salty goldfish crackers…. What can I do? I should eat more protein afterschool, like eggs and turkey or something. Spend less time in the kitchen, I guess… More time at the local college. More time collaging there. All I know is that I NEED to get to 120 lb (same weight as my little bro, BTW!), and it needs to show on a scale and in real life. My jeans need to be slipping off my hips. I need to do weight training on my pudgy arms, too…

Collage idea for Shiney collage (since she is a major trigger, after all):

  • “legalized speed” pics and quote
  • an (unused!) hello kitty bandaid
  • photocopied version of the breakup note, key parts cut out and pasted
  • random facebook statuses from her
  • really bad pic of her with the eyes crossed out
  • vitamin water pic
  • little mermaid pic (from Disney catalogue?)
  • quote from her facebook: “This is me at my lowest weight, which I saw for one day and never again…”
  • a gold star sticker! XD
  • pics of goldfish crackers (from coupon?)
  • Rocky Rococo’s pizza (from coupon?)

 

Another trigger idea: red bracelet (ask Xang to make one for me so she doesn’t gwet suspicious); there’ll be a double-edged trigger there. 1) A reminder that everytime I reach for food and see the bracelet, I don’t want any, and 2) Xang made it for me, and Xang doesn’t think I have a real disorder. She thinks I’m “trying to get to where she was before so [they’ll] have to have a lunuch table intervention”.

I should also make additional recordings from Wasted, Chainless Soul, reasons to be thin, Shiney’s facebook statuses, ana mantras, visualizations,  etc. and download to my ipod.

I originally had thought of writing triggers on myself with marker, but maybe henna is a better idea, since it’s natural! It’s something I know that Xang used to do, all over herself- her stomach and her legs, etc. I should circle the parts I need to work on (that can be hidden by clothes) and write a mantra/etc on every different area. I can put goals, quotes, etc. On my wrist I can write the number I want to be: 120. 30 pounds away. (Unless I’m over 150 already!)

I just printed out a really thick packet of stuff from my blog that I can record and download to my ipod as triggers. Porbably more than 25 pages!



{February 11, 2010}   today’s updates

So, today I returned some library books and checked out Wasted and Chainless Soul. I’m not returning them until I have typed out here and saved on my email all the triggering excerpts.

I got to see Xang and Rach at the end of their 1st hour class. Xang talked to me about an anti-feminist article she read, how she fell on the way to school, etc. The Shiney came in and gave her a huge hug, which frankly pissed me off.

Shiney’s eyes looked like they were smudged with makeup, like either she was tired or crying. I’ve more or less issued a challenge to her; by posting a facebook status last night about “Rose did 40 flights of stairs total – take THAT, banana bread!”, I made it known I’m back on the EDNOS train. This morning when I showed Xang my Wasted book, Shiney saw, and commented to Xang that “that was the book she was reading when she passed out on the bus and no one noticed”. She said it with a smile in that stupid, abrasive voice. I’m determined to do better today, if only to make Shiney jealous as hell. I can succeed by doing what Shiney never could: reaching the actual goal mark, visibly, and making people worried about me because it shows, not because I have to fake symptoms.

Mom promised to move the table out of my room so I can do my callanetics. It’ll be a gradual process getting into my full goal workout regime, but it’ll be worth it once I see results.

After skimming Wasted, I’m considering changing my diet. Tuna apparently makes a great meal, full of protein and quite filling for under 100 calories! You can mask the fishy taste through using Lemon Pepper condiments. You only binge if you get malnourished; without malnourishment, you can lose weight faster without bingeing. It’s important to adjust your diet to fit all the nutrients, and to include major protein to build muscles! ( I still need to get around to taking Tonalin CLA…)

I think I’ll start putting together a plastic baggie of pills, vitamins, etc. the night before I go to school so I can grab and go!

 I’m not going to be able to make it to the Oliver audition today. I have class, my legs are stiff, I can’t even get my stupid criminal Justice essay done because I can’t find the directions. I’m such a goddamn failure.




{February 8, 2010}   quote of the day

“It’s practically legalized speed!”

~Shiney, commenting on adderall

Gotta love the ever-present wannarexic! *rolls eyes* There is a longer story behind this quote; to check it out, click behind the cut.

Read the rest of this entry »



So tonight Xang had a party. She invited Shiney. The Twins weren’t there, but Rach was. So was Zen, Janis, Rezzie, Em, and a few others. What I hated the most? SHINEY. DUH. Good news first, then bad news.

  1. Zen gave me a small potted plant, a succulent Jade that I named Faith. It’s tiny and it’s budding, and it stands for prosperity!
  2. Zen, Janis, and I made plans to go to the Bee next weekend, and Janis is bringing her guy friend, a Wiccan. Not gonna lie, I hope he’s cute… 😉
  3. I weigh 153 pounds on a scale that actually works. 😀
  4. I fit into Xang’s peach tutu dress that fits both her and Rach.
  5. I checked out Shiney and she still looks CHUBBSY, especially her belly. I must have seen her butt-crack in those low-rise jeans about 50 times, the dumbass….. >.>
  6. I went to Xang’s party, and was social, or at least relatively social, which used to be a challenge for me. Now it’s less so, but I’m still an outsider. I got to choose the movies, which were Cry Baby and Heathers. Huge hits with the people watching, especially Cry Baby.
  7. Bro and I went to hang at the local college I attend sometimes and I showed him the basement cafe, then we checked out the kids library we used to go to as kids (’70s bamboo furniture! Yurtle the Turle!) and scavenged the free books carts. Right on the top, lying in the very place I would see it, was a first edition of The Witches of Eastwick!!!! It’s TOTALLY a sign. I’m only about 20 pages in but so far it’s the most amazing, feminist thing I’ve ever read!!

Now, the bad news:

  1. I checked Xang’s phone because I was curious about why Shiney had been so clingy about boy issues before. I ended up running into text messages about how “If all my friends were like Rose, I’d kill myself” and “She attaches ‘slut’, ‘whore’, and ‘fat’ to words too often”, and “she’s quick to anger- and to distract”. (Is it MY fault that Xang dismisses my valid concerns?!) It reminds me of the triggering text I found on Rach’s phone about how “And Rose wonders why she has no friends”…
  2. I’m pretty sure that Shiney is sleeping over at Xang’s house tonight and Xang lied. Obviously Em is staying over, since she lives so far away, but I left at around midnight and only Em and Shiney were there; Shiney wasn’t waiting for a ride. I think I heard her mention to Xang about her wanting to go to bed soon, and she didn’t say “go home and go to bed”; Xang mentioned sleeping upstairs on her own and hoping it wasn’t bitchy. So my BFF lied about befriending a toxic bitch and letting her even CLOSER into my life than she already is. And she lied to ME. I have to catch her in this lie…..
  3. Rezzie is a BITCH. Her and Shiney have formed an Evil Alliance of Teapot Squeakies, or EATS, for short, since they’re both rather diminuitive and chubbsy and you don’t get that way without EATing, plus their voices are as unpleasant as a shrilly screeching teapot. I think Rezzie was wearing one of Shiney’s shirts, a green one with lace- actually I’m positive. I didn’t bring it up because I didn’t want Shiney to know that she was getting to me, or that I even noticed. Xang had a peach tutu dress that was totally gorgeous and said it was Rezzie to try on but since it had been like, 2 hours and she was still just making out with her BF, I decided to try it on. It looked great, and I was proud that it fit so well! 🙂 But when I went downstairs, Rezzie took one look at me and her eyes narrowed; she looked like she was going to eat me. I can’t see how Xang manages to stay under the illusion that this girl isn’t crazy just because she smiles and squeaks and talks about how she’s jealous of boobs. NO ONE is that dumb! She glared and said “You NEED to take that dress off.” I didn’t know what to say- I didn’t know she still wanted the dress, and Xang had said I could try on anything from her closet! Then Xang said Rezzie needed it for band concert, so I said I would change later. (I didn’t, and Rezzie never even noticed.) 5 minutes later, she was playing with a lighter, straddling her BF’s lap, right next to a cage of gunea pigs. Literally playing with fire. Xang tells her to stop and she won’t, so Xang lets her get away with it. I point out that she’s giggling and sitting right next to a cage of guinea pigs, and isn’t she worried about the animals? Xang said she couldn’t make her stop. When she got up to get a drink, I told her in private that if i had started playing with a lighter like that, she would flip out & call me a psycho. She responded she had known Rezzie for 6 years and that I shouldn’t play with fire, then. When I got back to the couch, Shiney was “attempting” to take the lighter away from Rezzie by threatening to bite her. Then she saw me looking, leaned in, and did something I couldn’t see- either biting near Rezzie’s lip, on her lips, or kissing her. Bu I could tell from the tone and eye contact it was way flirty. Bunch of sluts.
  4. Shiney is still as obnoxious as ever. So not only have she and Rezzie formed an Evil Alliance of Teapot-Squeakies, but they go lingerie shopping together. As a matter of fact, Shiney passed around her brand new thong (red silk and black lace, AS IF I WANTED TO KNOW!!!!), saying that she wanted to show Rezzie and “It’s okay since I just bought it!” Class-ay. She then later on told Zen, Janis, and I about how she has 9 thongs but only 7 that she wears (TMI ALERT!!! TMI ALERT!!!), and when I made a passive-aggressive comment about how I didn’t need to know & she still persisted, I covered my ears and starting shouting the words to “I’M A LITTLE TEAPOT SHORT AND STOUT!!!” (which I realize in retrospect that Xang and I used to sing under our breaths when we saw her because she was so tiny, fat, and shrill). She then made up some BULL SHIT STORY about how my mom bought me my first thong in 6th grade along with a leopard print dress I never wore. I have no idea what she’s talking about (still don’t), so I told her she was mistaken. She kept insisiting that I had forgotten, but it was true. (I later asked mom, and she remembered nothing, either.) That bitch. Is. PSYCHO. I tried to set it right on facebook by commenting on her page but no response yet…
  5. Shiney is still as obnoxious as ever Part II. (I realize the number above has the same first sentence, but it’s getting so long that I need two numbers dedicated to this craziness). So right before she’s going to sleep over at Shiney’s (which Shiney lied about, I’m 90% sure, btw), she started talking about her “meds” and getting all hyper. She apparently had not taken her night-time pills yet and she took her pills in the morning that were practically “legalized speed”. She forcefully hugged Xang, who looked at me in a strange way, but by then I had put in one of my earphones to my ipod and was listening to Fall Behind Me by The Donnas, my official “crush this bitch into the ground” song designated specifically to Shiney-hating. (My workout could use a boost. ^.^ ) That made the whole experience a lot more satisfying. So Shiney’s tackling Xang and Xang is saying “You’re insane, you’ve been awake too long”, and I just go “Aww, go easy on her Xang, she’s on legalized speed”.  She looked at me and was totally sincere saying that “I take those in the morning, this is totally natural”, and then she jumped up and made the most horrible shrieking-squeal. (Like a motherfucking teapot.) It was obviously faked. She then said, “Actually, I haven’t slept more than 2 hours a night in four weeks”. (Bitch, please! If that were even half-way true right now, you’d probably be dead by now…) I look over at Xang and all she can say is the neutral “Everytime I meet someone with insomnia, I thank the Lord I don’t have it”. I ask Shiney, “Have you tried re-setting your Circadian rhythms?” her eyes go all big in that fake- confused way and says “Yes I’ve tried everything NOTHING works for me”. I just flatly say “Oh, ok”, because frankly, I don’t believe her. But whatever. For a bitch on legalized speed, she sure is a fat one….
  6. Xang is an immature dumbass. In addition to lying to me, she neglected me the whole time and tried to “throw me a bone” by occasionally complementing the peach tutu or saying how much she liked the movie we were watching I had picked. She then decided that she felt compelled to slice and rip her ex-bf’s tshirt. IN FRONT OF HER CURRENT FLAME. Way to not be a psycho, homeslice! I was a total third wheel; Shiney managed to wedge herself onto the couch every damn chance she got and I was left a social floater. I had even asked Xang if I could sit by her when Shiney wasn’t around because I wanted in on the conversation, which I could hear from the other side of the room. I managed to kick her out for a bit, but then she came over and hugged Xang right in front of me, sat on her lap, and then eventually told Xang’s flame (we’ll call him Gas-Mask, due to his strange facial apparel) that he’d have to get used to the “special relationship” between her and Xang. (Wow, faux-lesbianism. How very, very Katy Perry.) I reminded Xang that her last BF had fled due to a girl-on-girl kiss and I was sensing a pattern, but Gas-Mask said it was fine. THEN, when I got up to change DVDs, Shiney asked if it was ok that she got “her” seat back. I said “Ok, it’s not really your seat”, but she’s like “Yeah, but I was sitting here earlier”- and then she sat down anyways. Cunt. At least Schiz wasn’t there….

I’m not even gonna lie, I am SO tempted to post photographs. Just to show off the peach tutu, to show off Shiney’s dumbass, shit-eating grin and tiny, bulky figure. Sonofabitch. But it’s too early to even consider doing anything like that, even though this blog is protected by private settings and only I know about it anyways. I will have to take solace in the fact that this experience triggered me to be better than ever, and beat the asses of the dumb bitches around me by out-doing them- one in particular. >:)

I just am feeling really neglected right now. I got a reading with Cat last night which was spot-on and totally gratifying, but I can’t visit the Bee til this next weekend- a week away. I have a ton of homework and I need to workout. It’s already almost 3AM, technically Sunday. Dad flipped out at me today over my F in Art History- which wasn’t my fault- and Mom ended up taking some of my anti-anxiety meds. Le sigh. And now on top of that, Xang has been turning to Shiney, who i hate more than ever right now, and no matter what I do, I can’t get out. I can’t reason Xang into acting like a normal person and APPRECIATING ME, GODDAMMIT. (She has had her share of issues, and I’m the only one who has been there through everything. but I’m not the one she rewards.) I can’t make my dad go away for a while, until I see Deb at the Bee. I can’t do anything right. All I know is that I deserve better than this, and someday I’m going to have it.

So, long story short, let’s count how many different ways Shiney has annoyed me tonight:

  1. Staying to sleep over while Xang lied about it (am 90% sure).
  2. insipid lesbian-undertone jokes
  3. stealing “her” seat; hogging Xang
  4. constantly mentioning her ex-BF (she had her first valentines with, his pal is a sexist jerk, etc.)
  5. squeaky shrill teapot voice. which I could hear from across the house. THERE IS NO ESCAPE!!!
  6. basically on “legalized speed” …really? is that why you’re still fat?
  7. thong-gate Part I: passing hers around (classy lady! practicing for the strip clubs?)
  8. thong-gate Part II: saying that I’d gotten one from my mom in the 6th grade. and LYING.
  9. exaggerating her sleep-deprivation to superhuman proportions.
  10. forming a EATS alliance; lending Rezzie shirts, going on slutty shopping trips, etc.
  11. letting EVERYONE grope her boobs on the couch; Xang and Rezzie, talking loudly about it.
  12. her biting Rezzie; or kissing her, or whatever!
  13. the way she has been systematically integrating herself into Xang’s life over a period of time; casual contact, invites to a party, texting her during recovery, then vulnerability with boy problems, jumping in to set her up with Gas-Mask (which I didn’t even know was happening!), and now a secret sleepover (probably). How on earth did I not manage to prevent this?!


et cetera