A Rose with Starry Eyes











{April 23, 2010}   my life, mundane updates

My list of goals for 2010:

  1. Get a BF (Dev)
  2. Be skinny (voodoo)
  3. Settle plastic surgery (get loan/$, set date, etc.)
  4. Apply early to UCLA (get in via voodoo)
  5. BONUS: get mom a divorce, remarry rich

…Now for some stuff about Shiney.

One of my biggest triggers has always been that I want to beat her; I want to succeed everywhere she failed. Below I will list those areas and how I am going to succeed, unlike her.

  • BF: She got dumped by hers. If I start dating a hot college guy while she remains single, then I have officially triumphed! 
  • weight: This one is easy. I know she’s still crash-dieting and probably abusing adderall while chomping down goldfish, so seeing me as a 5′ 10″ 114-pounds Elyse Sewell-lookalike while probably bother her more than she’ll admit. >:)
  • fashion: She takes so much pride in her stupid “original” fashions that when mine turn out to be sexier and cooler-looking, she’ll be so jealous. (being twiggy will help me rock any style, too.)
  • career: obviously, if I succeed as a films actress, this will mean I win for life.
  • school: I’ll get into UCLA & I know she’s not a great student so she’ll probably stay in-state.
  • friends: This one will be tricky. _____

Another random note is that she is still using the journal I shoplifted for her as a present on her sixteenth 2 years ago. Interesting. I wonder if she remembers that when she uses it…?



{April 21, 2010}   daily personal update

Still awaiting a response from the voodoo woman. I don’t know WHAT I’ll do if she says that the physical changes spell isn’t good for metabolism… (Apparently it’ll take a few months anyways but I can wait that long.)

Thanks to today’s career fair at school, I’m considering what to do on the side until I’ve hit my stride acting. You can take a 600 hour massage class for $7, 125 after you graduate high school and get a license; someone told me that you’re sure to make back all the money you spent on tuition within a year. I think I might do that…

Random Shiney news. She’s even more of an idiot than I thought. I had thought she’d left the whole “multiple personalities” schtick behind, but apparently Xang heard at a party that her “friends” were rolling their eyes about “Good Shiney” and “Bad Shiney”.

Better yet, when I asked M for a scissors, she made me promise that I wasn’t going to cut myself. I said no, and she’s like “Good, because beleive it or not I had a kid do that before.” I couldn’t help myself. I was like, “Really? I know someone like that.” I said it REALLY loudly and looked at Shiney from across the room. She looked right at me, and I’m SURE that she knew I meant her. M’s like,  “Like really, who borrows a scissors so they can cut themselves?” I look RIGHT at Shiney and go “The girl I knew had her own special bag.” She looked really upset and nervous at that point, and I was really tempted to spill it to M that “the person is in this room”, but I didn’t. I preferred watching her squirm. XD



{March 10, 2010}   life update: djab

I feel really good right now. I am planning to re-consecrate the djab later today. I stole matches last night, I already have sage from the Bee, I have holy water, etc. I am ready. I am starting small and working my way up. The djab is not getting a single reward unless he works for it.

It’s important to focus very intently on what it is that you want. Maybe that’s what I haven’t been doing; I’ll just daydream as I ask the djab and it’ll happen for sure! 🙂

It should help my levels of faith if I remind myself of how powerful and happy to serve they are. One woman asked the djab to make a target miserable, and a car ended up running into the front of the house of the target. (It’s important to be specific!) But that’s just a great example of their power; if a newly-given djab can cause a car crash, then why couldn’t it get dad to give me an allowance or reset my body weight as Shiney gets fatter?

I’m currently plotting what to ask for first. Perhaps just finding 10 dollars on the ground? Here are my brainstorms thus far:

  1. Find $10 on the ground.
  2. Get 50 followers on blogger in a week
  3. Make dad give me an allowance/ randomly give me $
  4. Better rankings at forensics
  5. Assist in rich boyfriend conjure
  6. Win writing competition with a cash prize
  7. Shiney revenge:
    1. “make her miserable”
    2. compel her to shave her head
    3. make her get horrible grades, all Ds and Cs.
    4. make her ravenous to eat; gains weight til she’s 180 pounds
    5. for her to get so paranoid about her friends betraying her that she hurts them before they can hurt her. (Rach, Xang, Mr. Co-Dependent, the twins, Gina, etc.) she becomes so mean that she permanently loses all her friends.
  8. Lose weight:
    1. faster metabolism
    2. completely kill my desire to eat; NO appetite left
    3. make me LOVE exercise; obsessive exerciser
    4. put my body’s set point weight at 120 pounds
  9. Eyecolor change

 



Truly Random Stuff Goes First

  • My blog now has 22 followers and I have devoted myself to answering each of their questions. They’re all really cool! 🙂
  • I’m starting the Shangri-La diet.
  • My bro’s GF Hally finally kissed him. 🙂
  • I dropped off dad’s shirt & the conjure money at the Bee and I’ll get an update in a week. Mom even came in with me and talked to the woman, and she later commented on how empathetic and sensitive she was.

Plans for Future Wealthy BF

What I need him to get me for college:

  • conjure to get into first choice college ( UWMadison or Berkley)
  • credit card in my name that he pays for (covers food, corsets, collapsible bike, dinair makeup, etsy stuff, clothes, gas, etc.)
  • my tuition (esimated $20,00 according to here: http://www.admissions.wisc.edu/costs.php)
  • pays for housing (dorms? sorority house? rent someplace?)
  • a “smart car; the new 2010 Toyota IQ (priced $13,000 to $17,500)
  • mac laptop ($1000)
  • trip to Brazil to get nose job, chemical peel, smartlipo

According to the conjure lady, I have to choose the top 7 qualities for the guy I want. Originally I wanted someone to sweep me off my feet, all charismatic and gorgeous, but now I realize a less social guy would be easier to bag…. Here are my top ideas:

  1. LOVES to spoil me
  2. good conversationalist
  3. wealthy & generous
  4. falls head-over-heels in love with me
  5. would do anything to make me happy
  6. travels a lot and LOVES to take me with!
  7. he makes the first move (pursues me, asks me out, thinks it’s cute I’m shy/inexperienced.)

Stuff from Today

  • Cool new rewards idea: I can get a self-published book of my ana writing! Like fave thinspos, lists, entries, etc.  That way I’m not reliant on technology and it looks legitimate. All my creative writings put together, all my triggers, like a legitimate ana Bible. A portable trigger.
  • Shiney did her makeup that asinine way again, sort of an Egyptian liquid eyeliner look. I can’t wait to be thinner than her and show her what fashionable REALLY looks like….
  • I think my goal is to reach 120 by the end of the school year. I won’t consider weight to be lost until I need new clothes.

I got the job at Culver’s!!!

  • The guy who hired me said that they had literally 1,000 people applying, and were getting 35 online applications per day. NO idea WHY he hired me of all people, but he did! 😀 I guess it pays minimum wage, but I can save up and buy conjures and corsets and etc; my first conjure obviously will be the one for a wealthy BF, since he’ll be the gift that keeps on giving! XD
  • I have my first day this Thursday; it’s an orientation. I think I get paid for that too…

Things I Need to Buy at Sentry’s

They’re having a huge sale at Sentry’s by my house and I need to stock up before the good stuff is gone. The best thing they’re selling is the boxes of flavored low-cal drink packets which are usually WAY expensive but the new off-brands sell for a dollar for 12!!!! 🙂

  • off-brand low-cal drink packets (cherry and lemonade)
  • boxes of gauze (for S.I., a la Alice)
  • bottle of Hydrogen Peroxide (anti-septic to clean cuts,under $1)

I also need to shoplift some stuff, since I have less than $20 left. I should get:

  • Hello Kitty band-aids (very Shiney! so additional trigger there.)
  • vitamins/spices
  • lighter/matches
  • fiber products
  • cheap, tiny notepad

Another Big Trigger: S.I.

Alright, the Alice cut in the movie REALLY triggered me. To make me remember that I am becoming like her, I am planning to walk to the local college library and do an almost ceremonial 3 cuts to my left arm in that one abandoned bathroom; I’ll use the Shiney-esque exactoblade, then the hot-stinging Hydrogen Peroxide and finally wrap the gauzy banadges the way Alice did in the movie.

Additional S.I./trigger ideas;

  • burning tongue with hot water to cut down on food consumption
  • something with fire, like a cigarette burn


{March 8, 2010}   jewlery wishes

Really Awesome Necklaces from Etsy including: Gore Whore, Gold Star, and Mermaid’s Heart.

Read the rest of this entry »


{March 3, 2010}   life updates

Everybody Hates Shiney

Today in Enviro Sci, I found out that I am not the only one who loves to scoff at Shiney. Two girls who sit next tome hate the bitch too, especially one I’ll call Krissy. When Shiney went over by the chinchillas cage to try to pick one up and cuddle with it, it ran like hell to the other side of the cage and hid in its igloo. Krissy and her friend cracked up as Shiney tried to shrug and casually walk back to her desk, pretending not to be bothered that a small animal is terrified of her face.

When Miller walked by, Shiney tried to say something to her, but Miller couldn’t hear and just kept walking, so Shiney just sort of shut up mid-sentence; Krissy cackled again.

Later on in the class period, I knew they were definitely making fun of her because they said her name, and Krissy said something about seeing her at the mall with a teacher and how the teacher had to squat down just to talk to her. Krissy and friend laughed again.

Another random Shiney note: she decided to be all “unique” today and wear a hideous glittery gold VEST. When she came up to the table this morning in the caf  to give Xang a hug, I went “OMG! There’s a giant gold leprauchan behind you!” She looked HORRIBLE. And I heard her talkling sheepishly to her other “fashionista”-wannabe friend saying that “she brought a hoodie with in case she chooses to cover it up later…” fashion disaster much? XD

My Fitness Goals

Here are my caloric burning projections on the elliptical (intensity 10).

  • 30 minutes = 400 calories
  • 60 minutes = 1,000 calories
  • 130 minutes = 2, 454 calories

Needless to say, my new goal is to alternate 1 and 2 hours on the elliptical daily on intensity 10. If I can start checking DVDs out of the library that are historic and long, like biopics or documentaries, then I can literally go the whole time without having to get off the elliptical! 🙂 Also, I can watch old PBS News episodes online and PBS documentaries via Hulu.

If I can reach my goal every day, I can burn 8.5 pounds total on the 2 hour days & 4 pounds total on the 1 hour days. At the projected calorie burning rate, I can burn off 12.5 pounds of fat in a month. This means that by the end of the month, my weight should go from 150 to 138 pounds.

Also, I did 130 minutes on the elliptical, or 1 hour and 40 minutes total. on intensity of 10. This burned 2,454 calories total, according to the machine!!

My Monetary Situation

Last night, my brother agreed to lend me money to pay the BF conjure as long as I agree to pay him off in 6 months. I promised I will as long as the woman even agrees to accept my case – I hope she will!!!

Also, I have an interveiw for the ice-cream place on Sunday. A part time job would be good to tide me over while I wait the month or two for the conjure to kick in… Plus the customers at the ice-cream place will probably serve as some pretty kick-ass reverse thinspo! 😉

Hexing Shiney

When I finally get to hex SHiney, I am going to have SOOOO much fun with it.  I’ve decided upon a skull candle and a doll baby ro make it happen. Here’ws my list of things to do:

  1. Shave head like Sinaed O’Connor!
  2. convince her that Mr. Co-dependent is her soulmate and she MUST seduce him
  3. tell her doll-baby that there is a void in her life that can only be filled by eating; she is constantly hungry, she can never stop thinking about how much she wants food… make her seriously fat!!
  4. make her paranoid that all her friends are against her and she has to destroy their lives first
  5. for her to have trouble focusing on final exams, standardized testing
  6. make her smash her iphone out of anger
  7. convince her that Rach and Xang are the cause of all her problems and if she’s mean to them, they’ll go away.
  8. melt dripping wax on the doll-baby’s face so she gets REALLY bad acne
  9. for her to cyber-bully Xang, Rach, Mallory, Mr. Co-Dependent’s ex-GF, etc.
  10. get her to start wearing that horrible “face-paint” eyeliner again (especially right after she shaves her head!)
  11. for her to friend me back on LJ and make it possible to read everything she writes, a catalogue of her miseries and binges.


{February 24, 2010}   life thus far

I FINALLY Have Access to a Scale!

I got permission to use the school’s scale to weigh myself. I’ll have to keep it to once or twice a week so the gym teacher doesn’t get suspicious; she has to unlock it everytime I use it. I don’t know what I weigh right now…

Spartanette Tryouts

I asked about joining Spartanette today; they’re the school’s dance squad. (It’s different from cheerleaders, too – it’s more athletic and more fun to watch!) Apparently I’m a shoo-in since they need new members so much. It’ll look good on a college resume, trigger me to lose more weight, and give me a chance to work out!

Added Shiney bonus: we have Enviro Sci together and she may have overheard me asking Miller about the tryouts. She honestly just sat there, chewing on her gross, overly-long bangs, as I asked about becoming a cheerleader! XD I caught her staring at me once after that. Can’t wait to see how much more she stares at me as I begin to drop the pounds and disappear! 🙂

OK, quick update: so GasMask overheard the Spartanettes’ advisor talking to a couple of girls about me like I was already in. I KNOW they need more people, so I think it’s safe to rejoice! 🙂

Xang’s Bad Mood

Miller told Shiney and I during Envrio Sci that about halfway through the period, Xang had just snapped andput her head down on her desk. She didn’t know why, but Miller allowed her to sit in the back of the class. Thankfully Shiney didn’t have her phone to text Xang, but I did.

During Drama as Lit Xang told me that it was because some stupid girl in her class said in all seriousness that she tried being an anorexic but failed, and Miller cracked up. This annoyed Xang and made her snap because she was having a horrible mood that day and it just really bothered her.

Good Link for Future Thinso

http://iflifegivesyoulemonsdonteatthem.blogspot.com/

http://candysuicide.blogspot.com/



{February 24, 2010}   Lindsay Lohan randomness

An in-depth look at Lindsay Lohan as a thinspo icon, a tragic beauty, a Marilyn Monroe-wannabe, an adderall abuser, “ana girl”, her self-destructive affairs, her tattoos, & her parallels to Shiney….

Read the rest of this entry »



{February 23, 2010}   Shiney updates

OK, so basically when I told Xang this morning that Shiney is still crash-dieting, abusing her meds and eating goldfish crackers, she revealed to me that Shiney is also still cutting. Apparently she stopped for a while when she was still with her old BF (he took away her scissors – ikr, she uses scissors to cut!), but she’s back again. I mentioned I was surprised that she didn’t use an exacto-blade, and Xang said that she likes to carry around sharp things, even if she only uses scissors. We both agreed that it’s weird that I knew she crash-dieted and Xang knew that she did S.I., but neither of us knew the other’s info, although apparently Xang told Shiney NOT to tell her is she WAS crash-dieting. So, Shiney really still IS a wannarexic. *Sigh* Apparently you can tell when she cuts from when she wears those asinine arm bands that cover her wrists; and here I always thought it was a rumor that those were for cutters….

I am, of course, am taking this as a personal challenge. If Shiney really DOES still struggle with this stuff, then won’t it just kill her to see me succeeding while she stagnates and fails? Especially if I choose to make my E.D. public; there are a lot of ways of doing it so that it’s subtle but not overlooked by everyone. I could see a specializing therapist or check into recovery (though I wouldn’t want to gain the weight back!), or I could try to model or something. Or I could fast publicly, make an announcement and ask for donations to a fund. The key to having attention from therapy yet not truly having to change my patterns would be: (1) making sure my shrink doesn’t know I abuse adderall – or else I’ll never be able to get a prescription again! , (2) making sure they don’t find out about the blog or my other blog, or my online thinspo collections, and (3) not gaining too much weight back, of course. And also not letting them knows my triggers, specifically my anti-Shiney/personal challenge, competitive trigger….

I almost feel proud of myself, in a twisted way, that I picked up on this so quick and realized she was back in her old rut within a week or two of it coming into my mind. (Esp. when you consider that Xang and Rach were both withholding insider info.) When I see Rach next, I’m going to ask her if she knows that Shiney is cutting…

~

EDIT:

Alright, so yeah, Rach knew. And she thought it was funny that I was the last to know everything. I think she also said it didn’t matter or something like that; I said it did because I didn’t know she was still sick, I thought she’d gotten better, and Rach replied that Xang had “always been sick”. I said “well what about middle school?” and Rach just sort of shrugged, like she’d been less sick but only less, not anything like a regular person.

I also asked Xang about Shiney mentioning suicide; at one point she had told me about cutting herself form collarbone to groin so she could see her inside, and Xang said she’d been told that too, only it was so that she would make a beautiful/interesting corpse. Xang actually agreed with me on how ridiculous it was; apparently Shiney flips out whenever there are needles or blood. (So why the fuck does she cut herself?!)



{February 19, 2010}   random things that made my day

Xang: “No offense, Rose – it’s not your weight that hurts, it’s your bones are digging in.”

me: Aww, that’s the nicest thing – “

Xang: It’s not a complement!”

The above is a quote from the pep rally. I was sitting on Xang’s lap because Shiney wouldn’t move over sideways & I insisted. This really makes me rememeber how I used to scorn that one number on the “reasons to be thin” list about how “do you want people to say wow, you’re so thin, or oof, get off me, fatass!” The best thing is, Shiney was sitting right next to us. I bet she heard. 😛

When I came over to them at the pep rally, Xang was cuddling with Gas Mask & Shiney was sitting next to her. I asked Shiney to move and she slid the other way so I wouldn’t be close enough to Xang. When I asked her to move the other way, she said there wasn’t enough room. Xang joked I should sit on her lap, so I did. (See quote above.) I effectively cut Shiney off from Xang, although walking back to the classrooms she was really clingy & hugged Xang too much. Xang even noticed, asking why everyone was being so possessive of her.

I cannot wait to make a fat, loser poppet of Shiney.

~

~

Another thing that happened today that really made me smile was when some random cute, jock guy walked past me in Enviro Sci singing a Tracey Chapman song. I asked him about it and he said that he LOVED Tracey Chapman! I told him it was my first concert ever, and he said his buddy went to Chicago to see her perform. Then Miller chimed in and asked me about if I liked Liz Phair, which is weird because just last night I had been thinking about her songs! (some of them serve as triggers to me.) Huh. Serendipity. 🙂



et cetera