A Rose with Starry Eyes











{February 25, 2010}  

TRIGGER SONGS LIST

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{February 21, 2010}   guest star: Freya

new ana blogger Freya talks about her lack of friends, her self-improvement, triggering music, her school life, & social anxiety…

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{February 19, 2010}   triggering activities/reminders
  1. A tidy closet filled with nice shoes and clothes
  2. Watch a person smoke cigarettes
  3. An empty house with only me in it; very little furniture, just expansive hardwood floors and an airy feeling
  4. Cleaning the house; scrubbing with chemicals, defeating every last spec of dirt in my own sacred space
  5. Go shopping; try on all the tiny clothes you can fit, and then maybe all the tiny clothes you CAN’T fit!
  6. Walking around at night, thinking….
  7. Smoke weed
  8. Night clubs
  9. Dancing to loud music
  10. A band called “The Reilly Express”
  11. Sunny weather when it’s beautiful with a breeze
  12. Taking pictures
  13. Writing
  14. Thinking about my future
  15. Season 1 Grey’s Anatomy
  16. really tiny font
  17. lowercase letters
  18. Autumn & going back to college libraries
  19. Oh What A World by Rufus Wainwright
  20. songs by Bright Eyes: I was introduced to the band by my best friend when we both stopped eating. (note from someone else)
  21. Waiting at train stations/bus stops in the dark.
  22. The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath.
  23. Persepholis
  24. Margaret Atwood
  25. Joyce Carol Oates
  26. basically anything feminist, civil rights-oriented
  27. Walking in the countryside by myself when it’s cold.
  28. Wearing big sweaters in winter and still shivering.
  29. Black, sugarless tea.
  30. Painting my toenails.
  31. Watching PBS
  32. black and white photographs, especially done by Lee Miller
  33. Bob Dylan (photographs of, music, and writings)
  34. The Beatles, photographs of, music, and writings
  35. Across the Universe movie
  36. brisk, colorful, melancholy autumn
  37. antique books
  38. barnes and noble
  39. starbucks
  40. big old fashioned sunglasses
  41. Carey Grant, Robert Redford, Clark Gable (movies with and photographs)
  42. long, straight, black hair
  43. Rainy days in London
  44. Memoirs of a Geisha
  45. certain parts of the Parent Trap (in London, at camp, etc.)
  46. Snowy days in New York
  47. Green Hills of Ireland
  48. little water falls
  49. the word petite
  50. hearing women speak french
  51. men with English/ Irish/ Scottish accents
  52. “classical music” (beethoven, motzart, bach, chopin…)
  53. learning to play the piano; the cool, slick keys and the mingling of chords in the air
  54. posing in a photo booth; the result, too!
  55. the movie Amelie
  56. H&M stores
  57. the song Oh My God by Lily Allen feat. Mark Ronson
  58. spending all day long in the city
  59. the musical Rent
  60. music: Anna Nalick
  61. the beauty and precision of a brand-new exacto-knife; used on paper, on skin to etch subtle designs, etc.
  62. Free Falling by Tom Petty
  63. the satisfaction in finishing a thinspo collage, just the way you wanted it to be.
  64. the way it feels to use a typewriter; sort of old world & purposeful, with a clear desk and a hazy, distant mind…
  65. pretty much any movie Keira Knightley has ever been in.
  66. they way it feels to have everything in life just so; everything in the room, on the computer, on the desk, everything.
  67. extensions and lightness in ballet, mirrors everywhere and lithe, long bodies.
  68. the Goo Goo Dolls (especially Iris & Broadway)
  69. staying in strange hotel rooms as you travel.
  70. carrying on an affair with a married man (like J.A.)
  71. the song Yellow by Coldplay
  72. being Cassie in Skins instead of an extra in the background
  73. kissing some random guy at  place, or passionately kissing a mere acquaintance because you’re sort of desperate to feel close to something.
  74. spending all day long walking around the city.
  75. song: She Will Be Loved
  76. “don’t get involved and don’t get hurt, don’t get hurt and you’ll always have fun.” ~Penny Lane
  77. knowing what it’s like to get to Day 10 of the fast and keep on going.
  78. in the movie Control, being deep & free-spirited , melancholy Anouk or the victimized, pregnant wife?
  79. backstage dressing room, a crescent of bare bulbs lighting a mirror & cosmetics and saints’ candles in front of it with flowers & cards as well. looking in that mirror & seeing flawlessness, a  face as exquisite as a rose with a body carved taut & curved from hours of hard practice & rehearsals. deep breaths. appalause. suspense, even amongst the performers. that energy, that rushing movement backstage.
  80. Run by Snow Patrol
  81. that one youtube video to Miles From Where You Are
  82. ropes and ropes of pearls feeling heavy and cool on your neck
  83. the movie running with scissors
  84. the book running with scissors
  85. the memoirs of damaged people
  86. torrid affairs that were too beautiful and too damned to last.
  87. wearing tank tops in the summer
  88. the virgin suicides movie
  89. the virgin suicides book
  90. any movie by wes anderson
  91. fashion style reminiscent of the 1970s, 1960s
  92. anything reminiscent of the 1970s
  93. penny lane, almost famous, quaaludes
  94. certain books by francesca lia block (wasteland; also, echo.)
  95. thin, tartan pleated skirts
  96. art nouveau style pictures, windows, etc.
  97. working all night in an art studio in college, totally passionate about it, all-consumed.
  98. song: everybody’s got something to hide except for me and my monkey by John Lennon
  99. walking around an urban setting at night
  100. those rural-poverty towns, small and beautiful (ie- Forks)
  101. finally getting to ask if they have this in a size smaller
  102. that photo of katy perry with a knife for “self-inflicted”
  103. tons of pretty, glossy pills
  104. ferris wheel; surreal carnivals
  105. imagine somebody calling you their muse; and others, also clamouring to work with you. directors, photographers, everybody!
  106. photo booths (their aesthetic, the way I look in them, the movie Amelie)
  107. moaning to your personal assistant about how hungry you are, how desperate to keep a size two, how you almost fainted from the crowds in Japan, and she fills you in on the feedback from your latest project, tells you your schedule, andmakes sure you get to where you need to go. she’s your best friend and your right hand. she’s always there.
  108. ingrid bergman
  109. wooden knitting needles, soft yarn, the Yarn House
  110. band: iron and wine
  111. singer: bobby dupea
  112. west bend
  113. saying goodbye to somebody for what is really the last time, whether literally or the last time as an equal, a friend, a lover. even if you don’t know it. even more if you do realize it.
  114. those gorgeous lacy spanish fans ladies used to flirt with
  115. feeling asexual and intense in starvation mode
  116. clubbing in crowded places, record-spinner; losing yourself in the crowd, in the rush.
  117. being on a swing, going higher, higher! or a tireswing, going in circles until your dizzy, then trying to walk straight and failing by flopping on the grass, cackling like a witch.
  118. hot soup
  119. tazo tea bags
  120. really any type of hot liquids
  121. shiny blue nailpolish; fingerless gloves, dainty- punkish wrists
  122. certain marilyn monroe photos
  123. doing ballet for hours, finally free to MOVE with no excess padding
  124. red poppies, glowing semi-transparent in the sunlight
  125. the colors in a supernova
  126. music by fiona apple
  127. beautiful old bookstores with genuine cloth/leather-covered books that smell of time
  128. Edward Gorey’s darkly hysterical masterpeices.
  129. blackcigarettes on livejournal
  130. big puffy headphones that surround you in music and make you feel isolated from the world
  131. gorgeous, lacy lingerie, intricate & sensual; or silky nightie, or long sexy stockings and garters.
  132. in the hot, bright sunlight, just soaking it up on grass lawns; like a hippie
  133. cassie from the movie Push
  134. cassie from Skins
  135. kate nash songs
  136. hanging out at the mall all day long, sitting & people watching, drinking tea in a Barnes & Nobles, writing feverishly in your notebook, hanging in the food court and watching everyone eat, thinking how disgusting it looks. go try on clothes and see how skinny you can get, take pics in the dressing rooms. see how many laps you can walk around (bring a pedometer); etc.
  137. cool sunglasses (esp. funny shape or lolita)
  138. stretched out, catlike, on the bed, reading graphic novels in a tank & panties
  139. Sephora’s
  140. annie hall/ last tango/ bardot as a boy: petulant blossoming beauty trying to hide; tomboyish french beauty
  141. an amazing, luxurious marble bath with French bath salts & Lush products, relaxing with a bath and a book and some music.
  142. certain quotes
  143. song: story of a girl (a favorite from middleschool!)
  144. bubbly, sweet-bitter champagne
  145. gothic lolita-style fashion
  146. songs by Maria Mena
  147. spending all day long at Half-Price books with a tea & concentration, lost in words.
  148. Cat Stevens
  149. sharpies
  150. rainbow sharpies!!!
  151. a lucky sock monkey
  152. the babydoll dresses look with long-lean legs and knee-high socks
  153. long, smooth full hair whipping around in the wind
  154. song: Breakaway by Kelly Clarkson
  155. japanese geishas; the hair ornaments, the kimonos, the solitude, etc.
  156. peacock feather; iridescent, delicate hummingbird
  157. comfortably numb by pink floyd
  158. mad mad world
  159. across the universe (fiona apple)
  160. having that perfect singing voice, a voice of JA or Janis Joplin but also some Fiona Apple and Judy Garland, but mostly the power to make EVERYBODY stop where they are and listen.
  161. lights reflecting off the water at nighttime
  162. having everybody love you and need you so much but indifferent to them, as though you’re living on another planet; fickle, keep them competing. have affairs & break hearts, have fun & be fashionably outrageous, have not a thought for society.
  163. Breathe Me by Sia
    older buildings; part decayed
  164. Alice in Wonderland
  165. botanical gardens; walking through acres of wild beauty in an exquisite dress, like an heiress from the 1930s or French nobility before the Revolution. culture, natural beauty, the finer things in this life. exquisitely beautiful; certainly not a prole.
  166. imagine finally being fluent in French, smoking casually & attending Sorbonne for fun to learn art while also filming a movie there with Scorcese
  167. book: the great gatsby
  168. book: wuthering heights
  169. book: chainless soul.
  170. book: lolita
  171. feeling empty and drained after a performance; having connected with EVERYBODY
  172. gritting your teeth as the tattoo artist etches a permanent story into your skin. your friends support you and wince and talk in the background, but only you know that the tattoo is a reward for reaching your ultimate goal weight.
  173. the sting of injecting vitamin B-12 into the body
  174. energy drinks & adderall mixed, nos & redbull & diet mountain dew
  175. staying up late, practically in a trance you’re so focused on the project at hand; going without sleep.
  176. the French language: size two, chic, spohisticate; imagine doing French cinema, strolling through Paris like a native.
  177. a beautiful cameo brooch, antique & perfect
  178. books by Anne Rice
  179. joyous, dancing River Tam
  180. knowing that you’re the best in your field, the greatest actress who holds nothing back and has it all; status, success, respect, and talent. beauty. fame. money. everything. and you’re just going to keep on going; tasteless, invisible ambition flooding your senses, making you high. on the top of your game. you won’t turn back now.
  181. the German language: sexy like Heidi Klum, fashionable; flawless in your tongue-twister-esque pronunciations. beating Shiney at her own second language!
  182. to know the secret rush, the thrill, the freedom of getting away with things and not being caught; taking food to chew & spit in the restrooms and your friends don’t notice, going onto your sixth day of water fasting and no one even mentions you haven’t eaten, etc.
  183. walking in every morning holding car keys & a ceramic coffee cup, looks like expensive but actually full of unsweetened lack tea to stimulate the metabolism.
  184. Hayao Miyazaki movies: Spirited Away, Howl’s Moving Castle, etc.
  185. lifestyle like Max in the book The Namesake
  186. edie sedgwick
  187. beautiful-crazy-sexy-suicidal; holly golightley, brigitte bardot, lux, lolita, edie. a succulent, daredevil goddess; you can take me home but I will never be your girl.
  188. music: Liz Phair
  189. smashing plates because she wants to smash plates, taking a shot of vodka and feeling the shatter in her bones, a fierce fight with a lover turns into vicious sex on shattering porcelain.
  190. movie: Harold and Maude
  191. song: Tiny Dancer by Elton John
  192. music: After Hours by the Velvet Underground
  193. special tea where the dried flower unfurls when hot water is added
  194. teas that are black & sugarless, chai teas, herbal teas, revenge teas like Iron Goddess of Mercy, colorful foreign & nouveau labels, etc.
  195. loves beverages like piping hot black coffee for breakfast, constantly sipping very subtle teas, occasionally a tiny cappuccino. then practically mainlining liquor, shots of the finest Russian vodka and tequila til her eyes burn. shimmery champagne and whole strawberries at 3AM (which she promptly chews up and spits out later). sweet, luscious fruit juices dribbles over a lover’s fair skin, painstakingly consuming every last drop of nectar with a coy grin.
  196. music: Shakira: Don’t Bother; Underbeath Your Clothes
  197. starring in a movie, drinking only liquids. bottled Naked juices, many sips of a tiny cappucino, chugging crystal light, Iron Goddess of Mercy tea as an ironic reminder that you are stronger than she. tart cranberry juice as a diuretic so you don’t get bloated; looking gorgeous on camera, cheekbones sharp & figure perfect. not an ounce out of place, mind totally sharp.
  198. she just seems really close with everyone; it’s almost an instant thing, she’s kittenish and effervescent, completely charming and irresistible especially when she needs to be; warm and peaceful anchored in the astral lands but also sometimes the energy runs wild in her veins
    she just completely needs to be adored by everyone
  199. book: Coraline
  200. movie: Coraline
  201. movie: Thirteen
  202. Amanda Palmer
  203. Keep notebook of quotes. (a la Wasted)
  204. Buy fresh flowers; a beautiful rose an exquisite Rose!
  205. fiercely dry-brushing body
  206. dead deer on the roadside
  207. burning candles; watching the flame, smelling it, meditating/day dreaming, listening to music, etc.
  208. melting candle wax on skin
  209. memorization of poetry (Emily Dickinson)
  210. movie: Gia
  211. Joanna Newsom
  212. tv show: ANTM
  213. tv show: Make Me a Supermodel
  214. tv show: Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency
  215. song: Dream a Little Dream of Me


I agree with you on the wanting to be this other person, thats so mesmerizing and yet dangerous and self destructive and vulnerable. It’s so hard to describe, but i know what you mean. And i spend hours sometimes just imagining their life and wishing i could be that person. And yet its pathetic because i just cant, because i’m too shy and not confident enough, and not amazing. and i cant change that about myself and i hate it.
now that i write this it makes it quite clear how the ED thing fits in with me.



{February 9, 2010}   quote of the day (lyrics)

OK, so going on to even further demonstrate how freaked out I am by this whole “audition” thing, I even managed to find a trigger in my song. (Although it’s not exactly difficult, seeing as my piece is from the vantage point of evil, ugly step-sisters! XD) The lyrics are under the cut.

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et cetera