A Rose with Starry Eyes











{April 23, 2010}   my life, mundane updates

My list of goals for 2010:

  1. Get a BF (Dev)
  2. Be skinny (voodoo)
  3. Settle plastic surgery (get loan/$, set date, etc.)
  4. Apply early to UCLA (get in via voodoo)
  5. BONUS: get mom a divorce, remarry rich

…Now for some stuff about Shiney.

One of my biggest triggers has always been that I want to beat her; I want to succeed everywhere she failed. Below I will list those areas and how I am going to succeed, unlike her.

  • BF: She got dumped by hers. If I start dating a hot college guy while she remains single, then I have officially triumphed! 
  • weight: This one is easy. I know she’s still crash-dieting and probably abusing adderall while chomping down goldfish, so seeing me as a 5′ 10″ 114-pounds Elyse Sewell-lookalike while probably bother her more than she’ll admit. >:)
  • fashion: She takes so much pride in her stupid “original” fashions that when mine turn out to be sexier and cooler-looking, she’ll be so jealous. (being twiggy will help me rock any style, too.)
  • career: obviously, if I succeed as a films actress, this will mean I win for life.
  • school: I’ll get into UCLA & I know she’s not a great student so she’ll probably stay in-state.
  • friends: This one will be tricky. _____

Another random note is that she is still using the journal I shoplifted for her as a present on her sixteenth 2 years ago. Interesting. I wonder if she remembers that when she uses it…?



{April 17, 2010}   weight gain fan art

Reverse Thinspo Manga, NSFW

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{March 23, 2010}   November from Dollhouse

November from Dollhouse is 5′ 9″ and 145 pounds; of course, she got killed off and the guy is really in love with Size 2 Echo, plus she has no new projects coming up, so…

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{March 19, 2010}   ana, actress manga

Anorexia/E.D. manga

Anime Film references;

television anime E.D. references:

  • Sailor Moon is an infamous case of characters with an obsession to stay thin. Especially notable in one of the really early episodes of the first series.
    • Jedite decides to open a sort of fitness center where ladies get to lose weight just lying in capsules while Jedite steals their life’s energy.
      Obviously Usagi and her classmates get enthralled by the idea and go there. Naru starts going there compulsively and starts to lose a heck of a lot of weight much to Jadeite’s delight. However with Luna’s help, Sailor Moon discovers to truth and saves the day. Naru eventually recoves her weight
    • In another early episode, Luna makes a mockey drawing of Usagi saying her compulsive eating will make her fat. Usagi gets offended by the drawing and tosses it on the street. Oh surprise, the piece of paper falls on Mamoru’s face who makes fun of it. Usagi gets so angry that she decides to be on a starving diet thinking it will work. Hahaha, she faints from starvation while walking back home from her school on the first day. Fortunately her friend Motoki finds her and gives her a huge bag of doughnuts. Much to her happiness, he tells her that she’s fine as she is and that she should never do it again
    • In Sailor Moon R, Both Calaberas and Esmeraude are mocked at for binge eating cakes. Calaberas gets very offended when she hears this. Could Calaberas be bulimic?
    • In Sailor Moon Stars, Sailor Tin Nyanko calls Sailor Lead Crow fat very rudely and that she should get on a diet even though Lead Crow is obviously thin.
  • Now, another anime with a 1 episode case of self starving and obsessive over-exercise to get thinner despite being thin already is uhh.. I can’t remember which episode, but it’s from Pita-Ten.
    • Koboshi who is a freaking kid for crying out loud feels that her love to compete at eating contests and her tomboyish behavior is the reason why Kotaro isn’t interested in her. She decides to buy a ridiculously stupid book on how to be a good Japanese girlfriend and it says she must get on a diet among other things. She decides to starve herself and jog obsessively. Eventually she faints in front of Kotaru and he confesses to her that he liked the way she was already.
  • There is a scene in an episode of Vandread where all the girls have gotten obsessed about their weight. Everyone’s surprised to see Meia is taking a hot bath to apparently lose some “extra weight”.
  • There is an episode of Hell Teacher Nube where Miki makes fun of Kyoko’s weight (despite being very thin already). Kyoko gets angry and enters the forbidden music room. An evil spirit posesses her to obsessively play the piano all night long. Several days later, everyone notices Kyoko has lost a heck of a lot of weight even though Kyoko doesn’t know why either. All she knows is that she hasn’t slept very well.
    Nube discovers the cause of her unexplained exhaustion and defeats the spirit that has posessed the school’s piano.
  • In another shoujo series called Mirmo Zibang, this is another anime with an episode of obsessive/unhealthy diets.
    • Azumi is tired of competing with Kaede for Setsu’s attention. Yasishi gives Azumi the terrible but ingenious idea to anonymously send a cake to Kaede’s house everyday. She will be forced to eat it and she’ll eventually get real fat and Setsu won’t pay any attention to her anymore.
      As planned, Kaede starts to gain some weight and thanks to Mirmo’s vulgar observations of her enlarged figure, she gets all crazy and starts a serious exercise program and diet to lose weight. Rirumo voluntairly joins in to lose a bit of weight and forces Mirmo to join too because he’s really getting fat fast. Mirmo only does it because he’s so egocentrical that he can’t bear to see himself being fat even though he’s a compulsive chocolate eater.
      Even though Azumi hears this about Kaedde, Azumi keeps on sending Kaede more cakes. Kaede starts asking the delivery boy to return the cakes. Not knowing what to do, the boy starts sending the cakes to Azumi’s house. Since she doesn’t want to waste food, she and Yasishi start to eat the cakes obsessively everyday.
      As expected, Kaede faints from over exercise and not eating anything and Setsu tells her she looks fine and should eat better. Kaede feels overbloated in happiness and quits the diet.
      She discovers that Azumi is now on a harmful binge diet/exercise program herself because she has gotten so fat that she can’t fit in her ballet tutu anymore. Yashishi has also gotten really fat and is also dieting.
  • link: http://www.animenation.net/forums/archive/index.php/t-194710.html

actress stories:



Reverse Thinspo / article about a mother who’s determined to break record for “world’s fattest woman”….

(This is truly a sad story… and of course, she’s an American! )

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{March 12, 2010}   guest stars II

Academic failure trigger….

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{March 7, 2010}   new triggers
  1. Legs’ feircesomeness and strength in Foxfire; tough like Legs when hunger hits, determined to see bone.
  2. Alice after the growing potion, body curved against the ceiling; her stomach is flat. wouldn’t yours be lumpy and full of rolls?
  3. you can see Alice’s collarbones in every single shot
  4. strength. you consider yourself able to get anything you want – well, staple your mouth shut and reach the level of dedication that so many other successful actresses have already.
  5. sticking yourself with an antique hat pin
  6. Alice’s 3 big slashes on her arm
  7. Alice as Joan of Arc, slim and pretty even in armor
  8. exercise isn’t a task; it is freedom. it is what sustains your Lolita-ness, it is what keeps you untouchable,it is what gives you what you want.
  9. the light blue button coat Alice wears in the end of the movie
  10. Alice’s couture gowns throughout the film
  11. long, honey-colored softly curled hair, streaming out behind Alice as she runs
  12. gorgeous blue silk couture gown, hanging loose on her frame, rustling as she moves
  13. Brigitte Bardot, luscious and petulant, an almost prepubescent beachy beauty.

Face Down by Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

Lets Go All the Way by ICP



{March 1, 2010}   quotes of the day

“I think your sister is pretty.”

~my bro’s GF Hally commenting on me, telling him instead of me because she though it would be awkward! 😉

So the other day, my brother’s GF came over. (In the hopes that she’ll stick around and make him happy for a really long time, I’ll give her a codename now; Hally.) I was just wearing PJ pants and a hoodie but she apparently thought I was pretty! It honestly made me squeal with joy to get a sincere complement from a total stranger; no one ever calls me pretty, and if they EVER do, it’s because they have to. I just make myself imagine how great it’ll feel once more people tell me that!

Mary: I really need to start starving myself… Rose is on a hard-core diet. I’m surprised you didn’t know; I thought you guys were really close.”

Xang: “She probably just didn’t tell me because she doesn’t want to trigger me.”

~paraphrasing a conversation between Xang and Mary.

OK, so long story short, Mary is a girl in my gym class who asked me about my Carnation drink a few days ago. I told her about it and ended revealing my diet to her. She didn’t really comment at the time, she was just sort of nice and polite, but later on she had a class with Xang. Xang has had issues in Miller’s class, first when Trish said she “tried being anorexic once but failed”, and today Mary says that “I really need to starve myself”. This got Xang pissed, which made Mary innocently bring up my crash diet. This is a trigger on multiple levels; first, I now feel accountible to Mary to show I lost the weight and stuck with it. My goal is to make Mary comment on my size! Secondly, she called my diet “hardcore”; I’ve never been called hardocre in my LIFE, so this is pretty cool. And I know she’s not ana, but I am determined to stick to a diet that a normal perosn would find “hardcore”. I know I can do it! Thirdly, Xang now knows about my diet. I don’t want to trigger her, obviously, but in a sick way, I DO want her to worry. Or at least notice that I lost the weight.



{February 27, 2010}   visualizations
  • Think of going to the doctor’s office & seeing the weight loss on a definite, accurate scale. Having the doc comment on the weight loss, how fast it went.
  • nothing is forbidden to your diet – you can put whatever you want INTO your mouth, you just can’t SWALLOW it.
  • imagine you have a perfect, flat tummy with a midi-top & hip-bones. now imagine how heavy that food will feel in your tummy, how it would stretch out your dream skins.
  • remember that il. girl from camp who would talk about how everyone thinks it’s not a real disorder because she doesn’t look it. do you want to be like her, no will-power, no one concerned for you, no results for your suffering? you’ll suffer anyways, you might as well get results!
  • imagine what the food will look like, churning and mushed in your stomach.
  • if you told anyone that you had an eating disorder, would anyone even believe you?!
  • do you look remarkably slim, even in pics? no matter what you wear, no matter how you’re angled, are you thin? no? then you’re NOT hungry enough.
  • do your clothes drape off you? do you look like G from Prose yet?
  • Where do you live? at home? nope. WRONG! You live at the library. You live on the elliptical. Home is just a place you sleep. You couldn’t even IDENTIFY a kitchen if your life depended on it…
  • Just take it 10 pounds at a time.

interesting music that can trigger:

  • The Mideval Babes (reminds of Shiney; great to picture gypsy-dancing to.)
  • Meav (sings Irish-Celtic songs; sounds a lot like Avalon,

random  trigger thoughts:

  • priestesses of Avalon, fasting for transcendence, above the outside world & encroaching Christianity
  • the Lady of Shalott; Ophelia floating amongst the lillies
  • walking through the forest, on your own, totally free and light-footed.
  • light, beautiful soprano voice; talented at strings music
  • gypsy dancer, like Esmerelda, twirling and spinning, hypnotic
  • communing with the fey, connected to nature through empath skills
  • Anne Boleyn, exquisite dresses and a powerful ambition; a temptress with enough fire to upset hundreds of years of a monarchy’s tradition and forge a new religion to get her way.
  • Emily Bronte, fasting for inspiration, wandering the moors at night beneath a canopy of stars
  • a feisty society girl, a chic flapper, a bohemian in Paris; soft and birdlike like Mia Farrow.
  • a lithe ballerina
  • a lone girl in the library

resonating time periods:

  • 1800s frontier life
  • 1800s society
  • ancient Egypt
  • possibly Native American culture (?)
  • Victorian times? (especially the hair pinned up, the dresses; a teacher?)


{February 21, 2010}   guest star: violet, Part I.

A truly deep & philosophical, candid blog by a British ana. discusses the establishment, book recommendations, school, freedom, etc.

Part I

“How she longed to get out of the dark hall, and wander among those beds of bright flowers and those cool fountains, but she could not even get her head through the doorway”

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et cetera