A Rose with Starry Eyes











OK, so today Shiney decided to wear absolutely HIDEOUS face makeup again, the way she used to; it’s all sort of vines and little flowers and stuff, and tacky Egyptian looking scrawls around the eyes, like in a heiroglyph. I think it was eyepencil rather than liquid eyeliner. When I asked her if it was supposed to be flowers, she just said “I don’t know –  I just scribbled all over my face! They’re just scribbles.” Like she was some genius or something. She looks so dumb. I can’t help but wonder if my exercise facebook status and my Wasted book really was taken as a challenge…

More funny Shiney news: she apparently was going to give the guy’s friend $25 if he went to prom with her as a friend, and $50 if it turned into something more. And she’d texted Rach to say that she would “put out” on a first date. Shaggy not only found out, but he still wouldn’t go out with her!! XD Plus, Twin Red was complaining today about how she always comes over to talk to Mr. Co-dependent when he doesn’t even like her; no one at our table likes her! (I still get a kick out of how freaked he is that she’s always soclosetohim.)

Yet another Shiney update: she’s been doing the disordered eating thing since 2 years ago, but while she was dating her Ex it wasn’t as bad. Since he dumped her, though, things have gotten worse again. She still does the dumbass goldfish crackers diet, she’s still taking Concerta (which is like Adderall), and she might even still be doing S.I. or something for all I know. That explains why she wore the stupid makeup today… It’s funny though, that I was just looking over a list a few days ago of the things I would want to make her do to herself – the eyeliner scribbles was one of them. Another thing was that her BF would post ugly scanty photos of her online- and it happened from her cell “by accident”. That’s so weird… I need to re-baptize my “spirit” and see if I can’t get it working for me. Tonight.

I haven’t told anyone at school about the audition. I updated my LJ blog and told my little brother, but that’s all. I don’t want to jinx it, and it’ll be a surprise if I DO get the part, after all! 🙂 I just don’t know what else I’ll talk about in the mean time… (EDIT: I told Rach, but  I truly had a good feeling about it. Not Xang, though… she was pretty nuetral today.)

My legs are super-ultra-sore, although when I showed my brother the muscle definition he literally said “wow”. I really need to start training something else… I will move the table today to do callanetics. My abs need work. AND I haven’t exactly lost weight lately – my problem is that I keep bingeing afterschool. This NEEDS to be remedied, ASAP. My biggest weakness is definitely cereal with yogurt followed by salty goldfish crackers…. What can I do? I should eat more protein afterschool, like eggs and turkey or something. Spend less time in the kitchen, I guess… More time at the local college. More time collaging there. All I know is that I NEED to get to 120 lb (same weight as my little bro, BTW!), and it needs to show on a scale and in real life. My jeans need to be slipping off my hips. I need to do weight training on my pudgy arms, too…

Collage idea for Shiney collage (since she is a major trigger, after all):

  • “legalized speed” pics and quote
  • an (unused!) hello kitty bandaid
  • photocopied version of the breakup note, key parts cut out and pasted
  • random facebook statuses from her
  • really bad pic of her with the eyes crossed out
  • vitamin water pic
  • little mermaid pic (from Disney catalogue?)
  • quote from her facebook: “This is me at my lowest weight, which I saw for one day and never again…”
  • a gold star sticker! XD
  • pics of goldfish crackers (from coupon?)
  • Rocky Rococo’s pizza (from coupon?)

 

Another trigger idea: red bracelet (ask Xang to make one for me so she doesn’t gwet suspicious); there’ll be a double-edged trigger there. 1) A reminder that everytime I reach for food and see the bracelet, I don’t want any, and 2) Xang made it for me, and Xang doesn’t think I have a real disorder. She thinks I’m “trying to get to where she was before so [they’ll] have to have a lunuch table intervention”.

I should also make additional recordings from Wasted, Chainless Soul, reasons to be thin, Shiney’s facebook statuses, ana mantras, visualizations,  etc. and download to my ipod.

I originally had thought of writing triggers on myself with marker, but maybe henna is a better idea, since it’s natural! It’s something I know that Xang used to do, all over herself- her stomach and her legs, etc. I should circle the parts I need to work on (that can be hidden by clothes) and write a mantra/etc on every different area. I can put goals, quotes, etc. On my wrist I can write the number I want to be: 120. 30 pounds away. (Unless I’m over 150 already!)

I just printed out a really thick packet of stuff from my blog that I can record and download to my ipod as triggers. Porbably more than 25 pages!



{February 8, 2010}   HYSTERICAL news!!!

OK, so I just found out at lunch from Twin Red that Shiney apparently paid some guy $50 cash to try to get “Shaggy” to go out with her– we’ll call him Shaggy due to his giant hair and usual stubble. And guess what? It didn’t work. (No surprises there!) Just like Twin Red said, “She’s annoying as hell; no one likes her!”

This happened just a week and a half ago, so we’re talking really, really recent. Although she told Xang about liking him, she never mentioned the cash, despite their supposed closeness from texting about boy problems. (So much for vulnerability!) Also interesting to note is that her parents got her a debit card, which I like to imagine she will use as a passport to unlimited fast food binges a couple months from now once I’m done with her. 😛 (McDonald’s, Dairy Queen, and pizza places all now accepting debit! XD )

I can’t help but wonder how she got the cash to bribe this guy. She doesn’t work at Rocky Rocoo’s anymore. (Visualization: her working there, fat in the future, and me and a bf going there during her shift; me with just a diet coke!)



et cetera