A Rose with Starry Eyes

{April 23, 2010}   my life, mundane updates

My list of goals for 2010:

  1. Get a BF (Dev)
  2. Be skinny (voodoo)
  3. Settle plastic surgery (get loan/$, set date, etc.)
  4. Apply early to UCLA (get in via voodoo)
  5. BONUS: get mom a divorce, remarry rich

…Now for some stuff about Shiney.

One of my biggest triggers has always been that I want to beat her; I want to succeed everywhere she failed. Below I will list those areas and how I am going to succeed, unlike her.

  • BF: She got dumped by hers. If I start dating a hot college guy while she remains single, then I have officially triumphed! 
  • weight: This one is easy. I know she’s still crash-dieting and probably abusing adderall while chomping down goldfish, so seeing me as a 5′ 10″ 114-pounds Elyse Sewell-lookalike while probably bother her more than she’ll admit. >:)
  • fashion: She takes so much pride in her stupid “original” fashions that when mine turn out to be sexier and cooler-looking, she’ll be so jealous. (being twiggy will help me rock any style, too.)
  • career: obviously, if I succeed as a films actress, this will mean I win for life.
  • school: I’ll get into UCLA & I know she’s not a great student so she’ll probably stay in-state.
  • friends: This one will be tricky. _____

Another random note is that she is still using the journal I shoplifted for her as a present on her sixteenth 2 years ago. Interesting. I wonder if she remembers that when she uses it…?

{April 19, 2010}   naturally thin.

I can’t get the idea out of my mind – what it must be like to be so naturally skinny that you don’t have to worry about what you eat, no need for major overhaul, just a couple adjustments. Sigh. It’s like a dream. Body like Gisele, Selma Blair, that freshman girl K….

No more crash-dieting. No more jealousy. TONS of cheap clothes new from the sales rack because no one else can fit them (Wet Seal, Charlotte Russe; an entire bumber-crop from Victor/Victoria’s!).

5′ 10″, 115 pounds. Corseted, too. And fasting on kale lemonade til I’m a twig.

Gods, I could even do some modeling! And if I were naturally thin it would be no trouble at all. Doing CRON I could freeze my physical self where I am and stay stick-bug-y and waifish forever! My senior year I could be making money just by posing.

Smokey-eyed red-head with pulpy lips and watery green eyes. Pale, twiggy limbs and translucent skin. She looks like an old-fashioned bisque doll with milky skin and green glass eyes.

Almost-boyish body dressed in a plaid tartan miniskirt and the type of thin white t-shirt that most men wear under their clothes. A red beret like the one that girl wore in the Dreamers. With her innocently blossoming look, she’s like a petulant sex kitten or a naive ’60s schoolgirl. kittenish wispy BB

She wears little-kid’s makeup, bare arms dusty with glitter and

Fiery red hair touseled and soft,

Like a Lolita or a Lola or a Lux. A Holly or an Edie or a Valentine.

{March 12, 2010}   Protected: guest stars

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{February 27, 2010}   visualizations
  • Think of going to the doctor’s office & seeing the weight loss on a definite, accurate scale. Having the doc comment on the weight loss, how fast it went.
  • nothing is forbidden to your diet – you can put whatever you want INTO your mouth, you just can’t SWALLOW it.
  • imagine you have a perfect, flat tummy with a midi-top & hip-bones. now imagine how heavy that food will feel in your tummy, how it would stretch out your dream skins.
  • remember that il. girl from camp who would talk about how everyone thinks it’s not a real disorder because she doesn’t look it. do you want to be like her, no will-power, no one concerned for you, no results for your suffering? you’ll suffer anyways, you might as well get results!
  • imagine what the food will look like, churning and mushed in your stomach.
  • if you told anyone that you had an eating disorder, would anyone even believe you?!
  • do you look remarkably slim, even in pics? no matter what you wear, no matter how you’re angled, are you thin? no? then you’re NOT hungry enough.
  • do your clothes drape off you? do you look like G from Prose yet?
  • Where do you live? at home? nope. WRONG! You live at the library. You live on the elliptical. Home is just a place you sleep. You couldn’t even IDENTIFY a kitchen if your life depended on it…
  • Just take it 10 pounds at a time.

interesting music that can trigger:

  • The Mideval Babes (reminds of Shiney; great to picture gypsy-dancing to.)
  • Meav (sings Irish-Celtic songs; sounds a lot like Avalon,

random  trigger thoughts:

  • priestesses of Avalon, fasting for transcendence, above the outside world & encroaching Christianity
  • the Lady of Shalott; Ophelia floating amongst the lillies
  • walking through the forest, on your own, totally free and light-footed.
  • light, beautiful soprano voice; talented at strings music
  • gypsy dancer, like Esmerelda, twirling and spinning, hypnotic
  • communing with the fey, connected to nature through empath skills
  • Anne Boleyn, exquisite dresses and a powerful ambition; a temptress with enough fire to upset hundreds of years of a monarchy’s tradition and forge a new religion to get her way.
  • Emily Bronte, fasting for inspiration, wandering the moors at night beneath a canopy of stars
  • a feisty society girl, a chic flapper, a bohemian in Paris; soft and birdlike like Mia Farrow.
  • a lithe ballerina
  • a lone girl in the library

resonating time periods:

  • 1800s frontier life
  • 1800s society
  • ancient Egypt
  • possibly Native American culture (?)
  • Victorian times? (especially the hair pinned up, the dresses; a teacher?)

{February 10, 2010}   Random Visualizations

Shiney-Related Miscellany

  1. Shiney is obese with bad skin, living at home and working at Rocky Rococo’s. You go in with your current BF while she’s working, you guys order food, you just have a water/diet coke and maybe pick at a tiny sized gelatto. She has to stand there and fold pizza boxes in all of her rotund glory as you snuggle and joke and play with your BF’s hair. Maybe even go up to the counter when he goes to the bathroom and talk to her, ask her what she’s doing and tell her some stuff about your fabulous new life…
  2. You’re an actress, on magazines and in movies, working with the people she’s always looked up to and wearing the couture she could never even hope to fit in! You mention in an interview how a girl once told you – your ex best friend – that the only movie you would ever get cast in is a porn movie. How girls can be so mean sometimes. How it’s important to follow your dreams and not listen to anyone else. She’s only remembered as a nameless bitch in an anecdote, one which annoyes her forever but she can’t defend herself against, or even bring up, whereas it was just an offhand comment for you. THAT kind of power.
  3. One day, she comes to school with her head completely shaved. She explains she wanted to look “just like Sinead O;’Connor” ; instead, she looks like a British man! It does no good to her awkward face and nose, and although she could wear a wig, her parents refuse to buy one for her. It’ll take more than a year for it to grow back to even a decent length! Everyone think she’s strange and it’s not flattering at all; now you not only have longer, more beautiful hair than hers, but she also finally lived up to that promise she’d made to “be an original”! (NOTE: Black skull candle might work for this outcome.)
  4. While she used to be such a petite, self-centered Suburban Princess, the Yuppie Wannarexic, she suddenly feels the irrepressable urge to eat; as though something were driving her on, like only the food could fill the void in her life. She eats and eats, asking for seconds at dinner and raiding the fridge at night. At lunch, she craves nacho cheese, and ends up using that debit card that she originally purchased for skimpy clothes on things like Big Macs, Dairy Queen, donuts; binge food. She blows up like a balloon, constantly thinking of food, and after a while the old, “wannarexic” her has dissolved beneath a jiggling surface of blubber. Even funnier is when she tries to “dress for her shape”, still deluding herself into thinking that she has the ability to “lure” guys with her “glitterboobs”; even now, more than 50 pounds overweight, she insists that the bikini is “slimming”. Soon, her facebook photo updates look more and more like reverse thinspo and less like an actual person. The person pictured now looks like an evil, ugly, blobby twin of the wannarexic in her “lowest weight ever” pic. Deep down, she knows that Size Zero Rose on the Silverscreen has won out over Armored-Tank Shiney. For all the battles you’ve lost, you still win the war. (Skull candle here is good, too.)
  5. I’m picturing Shiney sitting down-table from me and eating a pile of nacho cheese with soft pretzels, a bag of chips and 2 cookies, a tray lunch; and to top it all off, irony of ironies, a vitamin water. 😛 I’m sitting on the other end of the lunch table eating ready-made Sushi/California Rolls from Sendicks using chopsticks, and drinking a diet Tazo tea in a glass bottle, my only meal of the day . (A bit like Molly Ringwald in Breakfast Club.) Xang, Rach, the Twins, FroshGoth, and a few others are sitting around me too, all eating as well. I’m easily the thinnest though, wearing size 2 clothes from Victor/Victoria’s, long hair impeccably groomed, a new nose and a modellesque face.
  6. Think of how great it will be when she still tries faux- lesbianism around a Rezzie who’s replused by her. Think of how funny it’ll be when her emo statuses are met with crickets chirping in the background; no one there to respond and tell her how much they love her, how she should be careful and not hurt herself, not do anything stupid. No one’s worried about a girl weighing a mass that’s equal to Australia! Plus, once everyone else goes off to college, it’ll be almost impossible for her to make new friends when her outside appearance matches her inside soul!

Personal Visualizations

  1. Going to the mall, shopping around with Step-Daddy’s credit card, the limitless platinum rating. You’ve been on adderall for the past two days, and you’re totally cranked. You’re wearing heels and skinny jeans plus a slinky top from Victor/Victoria’s, hair perfectly styled, bone structure & makeup flawless (thanks to Dinair).  You try on size twos and size zeros everywhere, at Wet Seal, at Victoria’s Secret, at Victor/Victoria’s, even the sexy lingerie at Hot Topic. You wait patiently on Xang as she tries on some plus-size stuff at Torrid. When you’re done, you go to the food court and watch Xang eat Rocky Rococo’s Pizza with a soda and offer to buy her a cinnabun for dessert. She takes the cinnabun, and you slowly savor the tiny frosting cup you bought with it. Then you guys head off to Barnes & Nobles, where you buy a copy of a diet book and maybe a journal and some gel pens, while she browses for stuff. You guys grab two comfy couches and hang out drinking coffees and talking, comparing classes and telling funny stories. You only drink about half of your small coffee, & since it’s the only thing you’ve eaten all day, you’re in a bit of a sugary rush.
  2. Xang throws another party, and this time you’re the one beckoned to sit on people’s laps, especially Rezzie and Schiz. You watch as everyone else eats and you sit, contented with your diet coke and size 2 jeans, not wanting your tummy to bloat out. As you sit there, watching everyone else graze on gummy candies & greasy pizza squares, you feel free and fizzy, your stomach not weighed down with gluten, preservatives, gooey clogging “cheeses”, grotesque colorings all mashed together. (Just think of how those would look in your tummy!)
  3. In all your facebook photos, you look slim and gorgeous. Your cheekbones are becoming more and more defined, and they’re easily visible in pics. Not only is your tummy almost nonexistent, but it doesn’t cut into your jeans anymore! Your hipbones slant downwards and the outlines are visible. When you try on your clothes, they’re far too loose, and it gets to the point that you have to shop for new ones in smaller sizes. Everytime you take your measurements, occasionally step on the scale at Xang’s, you’re elated. Your body is doing just what it should, and soon it will be camera-ready. 🙂
  4. You don’t have to let food control you; you can control your food. Thanks to adderall, or as fat fishy-girl Shiney calls it “legalized speed”, you can be chic and constantly on the go, a size zero without having to give up a single thing. For instance, an apple for breakfast and a gourmet dish in the city in Milwaukee as you spend all day shopping, going to the art museum, visiting theatre. By the timeyou go home, it’s almost midnight, and you’ve only had less than 1000 calories. Or, tea from Aletrra – Iron Goddess of Mercy, irnonically enough – and sushi from Sendicks with a Tazo tea at lunch, carefully savoring each bite. For dinner, you sip a glass of cleansing cranberry juice with a benefiber packet as you listen to NPR and blog online in your perfectly-fit silk nightie. Still a size zero after probably under 700 calories that day. On a day that you’re busy, have a fruit salad for breakfast (with delectable pineapple hunks, cantaloupe wedges, juicy blueberries, and raspebrries) with a tin of tuna and lemon-pepper seasoning at lunch. For dinner, you have an 80-calorie English muffin with organic cheese and some tomato slices while pouring over a term paper; as a reward, tangy lemon sorbet for dessert on good china. In the morning, skip breakfast and go to Rocky Rococo’s for lunch with your BF, during Shiney’s shift. She stands there folding pizza boxes behind the counter as you and your BF laugh and chat in a booth seat. You order a slice of pizza and a diet coke, sponging the grease off the surface and cutting it up into miniscule bites, eating only about a third of it at most. OR, you order a tiny size gelatto, savoring it in your halter top and skinny jeans while she, a 200 pound mammoth in nasty khakis and a shirt to tight you can count her rolls watches you enviously. A spinach and strawberry salad with sweet-sour homemade vinegarette and an intense workout for dinner, and you’ll still fit into your size 2 jeans tomorrow!

Big Isn’t Beautiful; ACTUAL Thinspo

Big Isn’t Beautiful: Reverse thinspo

Fat Girl on Trampoline

Fat Lady “Exercising”

Fat Women Dance Studio Workout

{February 8, 2010}   HYSTERICAL news!!!

OK, so I just found out at lunch from Twin Red that Shiney apparently paid some guy $50 cash to try to get “Shaggy” to go out with her– we’ll call him Shaggy due to his giant hair and usual stubble. And guess what? It didn’t work. (No surprises there!) Just like Twin Red said, “She’s annoying as hell; no one likes her!”

This happened just a week and a half ago, so we’re talking really, really recent. Although she told Xang about liking him, she never mentioned the cash, despite their supposed closeness from texting about boy problems. (So much for vulnerability!) Also interesting to note is that her parents got her a debit card, which I like to imagine she will use as a passport to unlimited fast food binges a couple months from now once I’m done with her. 😛 (McDonald’s, Dairy Queen, and pizza places all now accepting debit! XD )

I can’t help but wonder how she got the cash to bribe this guy. She doesn’t work at Rocky Rocoo’s anymore. (Visualization: her working there, fat in the future, and me and a bf going there during her shift; me with just a diet coke!)

{February 7, 2010}   Shiney is my #1 Trigger

I am having so many strange moments in my head right now. I have a plan that, after I fry my “bigger fish” so to speak, I’m going to use a black skull candle and a poppet on her to make her blow up like a balloon! That mermaid is sushi.

I’m picturing Shiney sitting down-table from me and eating a pile of nacho cheese with soft pretzels, a bag of chips and 2 cookies, a tray lunch; and to top it all off, irony of ironies, a vitamin water. XD I’m sitting on the other end of the lunch table eating ready-made Sushi/California Rolls from Sendicks using chopsticks, and drinking a diet tea in a glass bottle. (A bit like Molly Ringwald in Breakfast Club.) Xang, Rach, the Twins, FroshGoth, and a few others are sitting around me too, all eating as well. I’m easily the thinnest though, wearing size 2 clothes from Victor/Victoria’s, long hair impeccably groomed, a new nose and a modellesque face.

I’ve decided I’m going to start a “binge box”, or a place to store binge food so I can prove to myself that I have willpower far beyond hers and that I can store all the junk foods I’d like and never touch any; and if I absolutely must binge, I’ll chew and spit, using only these foods which no one will miss. (We bought a bunch of candy today for the Superbowl and I’ll sneak my share into my pockets when no one is looking.)

{February 7, 2010}   some random quotes of the day

angry Shiney-related mantras:

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et cetera