A Rose with Starry Eyes

{March 16, 2010}   fasting stuff
  • 56 oz of water + 8 oz unsweetened pure 100% cranberry juice. You drink it throughout the day (64 oz, max).
  • Cranwater is a powerful diuretic and helps pull water out of waterlogged cells so that it can be eliminated through the kidneys. The flavonoids in cranberry juice also help flush away cellulite by improving the “strength and integrity of the connective tissue” while helping the lymphatic system function smoothly.
  • It’s important to use unsweetened 100% cranberry juice and not the ocean spray variety (Or any other juice that lists grape juice, fructose, etc., in the ingredients).
  • GNC does carry an 8oz bottle of cranberry concentrate. It lasts about 1 week. Yep, you drink 64 oz of cranwater every day during Phase 1. You may drink additional plain water on top of that.
  • Just to make sure you understand – you can either use unsweetened cranberry juice CONCENTRATE (3 Tablespoons to 64 oz water) OR unsweetened cranberry JUICE (8oz juice to 56 oz water).

{February 15, 2010}   day 3 of water fast

OK. Day 3. The hunger is more or less gone (although I did have a close moment this morning in walking through the breakfast line in the caf; they had these Quaker fiber-choclate chip cookies that are about 200 calories but have always captivated my tastebuds), but the dizziness is totally there. I tried going outside for gym to do skiing, but I felt so dizzy I couldn’t handle it and had to ask to go to the nurse’s office. I felt really silly, too… I told my gym teacher a half-truth, that I hadn’t had breakfast. (Left out the rest of it, of course.) I’m feeling cold as well, but it could be from the school.

My hunger has subsided, but possibly because of the adderall I took (15 mg). I’m still not going to risk going to lunch; I’ll stay in the library and cram for my states & capitols test during 6th hour.

My goal during the fast (aside from getting down to 120ish pounds) is to catch up on my schoolwork! I need to:

  • criminal law chapter notes (1, 2, 5, 6)
  • Enviro Sci take home quiz &  questionnaire
  • type out Aldo Leopold excerpt AND Kat Chopin short story
  • (eventually) do Model UN report (Norway; which topic? check my email)
  • basic acting prep – both auditions this week & over by Wednesday! 
    • Soulstice Theatre: 1 min. dramatic monologue, 1 min. funny monologue, prepare full version of Stepsister’s Lament; print resume and headshot (Mon 15th and Tues 16th ~ registration comes at 6pm, first come first serve)
    • Lake Country Players: call in, ask about which part of scrip tis read in audition & which song will be sung; any chorus parts? (Feb 15th & 17th, auditions 7 to 9 PM)

…Staying away from food will be vital as well, especially where boredom eating is concerned. Out of sight, out of mind! I should visit the local college library and study there, not leaving til I have everything done.

{February 15, 2010}   I’m on the verge of CRACKING

I am RAVENOUS. I didn’t take my adderall since I was feeling the aftereffects of yesterday’s dosage and thought I could handle it. After a glass and a third of orange juice and not nearly enough water for a water fast, I don’t think I can. I chew-spat a pancake with whipped cream, and went to the grocery store and bought a can of tuna and a shoplifted lemon-pepper seasoning since it was small and even MORE expensive that the friggin’ tuna. Didn’t eat it, though. I have been SO CLOSE TO CRACKING all day long. It’s not fair. Why can’t I have a fast metabolism?!

(According to my brother, chewing and spitting is worse tan eating because it’s soclose and you can’t have any.) And he just pointed out that, even though I am SO CLOSE TO CRACKING, “But you didn’t.” Which really does help.

I’m gonna go to bed now to make the cravings stop. (i also had a nap earlier too, so… Lazy.)

{February 14, 2010}   day 2 of water fast

I’ve decided that I’m to going to continue fasting til I’m 120 pounds; or 125, at least.

Day 2. My mom is making eggs and offered me some, but i turned them down. I’m pretty sure i heard mom and dad discussing Valentine’s goodies (chocolate stuff), but I don’t want any. So far I’ve turned down Rocky Rococo’s, Beans & Barley, Valentine’s goodies, and eggs for breakfast. Dad is currently making pancakes (with whipped cream and maple syrupsizzling bacon and just brought home the good-tasting type of icecream, but I’m not tempted. I can also see that someone got a box of angel food cake and devil’s food cake with frosting, but that stuff is just pure carbs and FAT. I don’t want any. (I feel that the more I remember my mental list, the more likely I am to continue turning down foods. After all, if you’ve come THIS far, why stop now for something that’s not worth it?) It’s only 9AM but I don’t feel hungry or anything. I just had a third a cup of orange juice and chew-spit a small pancake with whipped cream, careful to rinse all the crumbs out of my mouth by swirling water around.

My measurements as of this morning:

chest: 36 and a half / waist: 33″ / hips: 38″ / calves: 14″ / thighs: 20 and a fourth / upper arm: __ / under-bra: 30″

I now weight 147 pounds, down from 153 on February 7th. So I lost 6 pounds.

Xang has been online and commented on some things since last night but NOT on what I’ve responded to her. So she’s basically giving me the silent treatment, which frankly, I’m fine with. What I need to be doing is to lay low and just avoid talking about this stuff. I’ll get thinner and thinner and she’ll just stay the same. The best thing is that I won’t talk about it, it’ll just happen, and before she knows it, we won’t be able to share clothes any longer. We won’t be the same size, and when we go to the pool in the summer (like I INSIST we shall do), I’ll be a bikini babe and she’ll be the same ole Xang. No progress. I wouldn’t even be this bitchy about it if it weren’t for the fact that she was SO passive-aggressive about my water fast!

My brother and I talked last night. It turns out his crush is in the hospital, probably for a suicide attempt, although he was worried she might be dead. (I reassured him otherwise.) We talked some stuff about my ED, too; I asked him how he thought I’d look if I were 120 pounds, and he said I’d be extremely skinny. Also, I told him about how tempted I was to do chew-spit at the Beans & Barley store, and asked him if he thought it would work to not gain weight but still have the taste. He pointed out how wasteful it would be but said that chew and spit would probably work. (Though I’m obviously NOT doing that while I’m fasting. Even ONE OUNCE of food makes it past these lips and my body won’t go into ketosis. Without ketosis, I won’t burn fat like crazy and lose the weight. KETOSIS IS KEY.)

I want to keep going with the water fast for at LEAST 10 days, since that’s how long it takes to see maximum weight loss results. After day 3, your body goes into ketosis, so it basically burns fat as fuel instead of the sugars stored in your liver called glycogen. You lose about an two or three ounces of muscle mass on the second day, but on the third your body’s energy needs are almost fully met by ketosis. From day 3 onwards, the body’s rate of using fat as fuel increases steadily, up until Day 10, when it hits it’s peak. After day 3 I’m going on the elliptical and doing yoga, because I figure if my body is going to be in the maximum fat-burning zone, then I should be able to burn more calories when I’m there. I need to burn as many as possible, so maybe I’ll do callanetics then, too…

good links to add:

Alright. So let me first start off by talking about what annoyed me the most today: Xang. She was really bitchy about me doing a water fast. I mean, I knew she would be weird about it since she’s an ex-Mia only a few months out of recovery, but she went above and BEYOND passive-aggressive. She was out of line. And she didn’t just say I shouldn’t for health reasons or express doubt at my abilities, she basically implied I’m a hypocrite and a crazy person who has insane expectations. Here’s the excerpt:

Rose: I’m on Day 1 of my water fast!


Caiti: why? you could get really sick from that..

Rose: no, you couldn’t. it doesn’t mean not drinking water, it means consuming ONLY water. people have been doing this for ages, and it’s a great way to flush toxins out of your body that have been accumulating since birth, and it’s also a great way to start a vegan lifestyle, which I plan on doing. plus, after day 3 I’m buying myself a bracelet and the proceeds go to starving children in ethiopia. it’s an awareness fast.

Xang: I love how you imply that Caiti’s stupid and doesn’t know what you’re talking about. Caiti- I don’t think you’re stupid.

my Bro: lol I do!

Caiti: i know what it is. and yes it may wash out your toxins. and your nutrients too. do what you want. but you don’t need to lose weight. youre perfect as you are (:

Xang: I just kind of wonder what happened to ‘veganism inconveiniences the people around you’ and ‘I’m going to eat turkey now, and steal lunches from innocent freshman, because I’m too ‘selfless’ to have my mom go out and buy me a specefic brand of granola bar.’

Rose: hey Xang? GO FUCK YOURSELF. There are so many things wrong with that sentence I’m not even going to bother correcting your dumbass mouth.

And also, Caiti, I wasn’t sure if you knew what it was since when I mentioned it to the female gym teacher last year, who I consider to be a health expert, she didn’t know what it was.

Then I posted this message to her wall:

“What you just commented was SO disrespectful. I respect your personal decisions and challenges as a friend, and if you’re ACTUALLY my friend, I consider it reasonable that you do the same.”

I, so far, have had no response.

All I want to say is here: I am willing to be vegan because i am willing to push myself beyond the boundaries I saw previously. Also, I need an excuse to turn down all the fatty foods that Xang would probably suck down like a Hoover. As for the “selfless”-ness due to not execting my mom to drive miles out of her way in horrible weather to buy me a pack of fucking clif bars, yeah, that actually was pretty high-minded of me. And the freshman dude who keeps giving me his turkey sandwhichs does so because he doesn’t want to eat them. It has NOTHING to do with his “innocence”. So FUCK THAT SHIT. I won’t go into it unless she says something passive-aggressive in response to my post.

It’s weird, too, because it’s such a HUGE about-face from where our friendship started. When i told her I was starting a juice fast back then, she got all concerned and asked me not to push myself too far, comparing me to the Sainted Schiz who, of course was an ana. But if I go that direction, I’m a loon. *rolls eyes*

Our relationship is a lot different now from when it first began; I think she was more loyal, didn’t take me for granted, and even maybe cared more. She was more concerned. Not to mention how passive-aggressive this whole “recovery” thing has made her! It’s like she looks at me like a total moron for accomplishing what she never could have accomplished. The friendship is SO unbalanced now. She takes me for granted SO fucking much. I miss us making fun of Shiney behind her back, I miss us being immature without her looking down on me, I miss her actually listening to my problems. Deborah at the Bee mentioned something today about how susceptible people are to dream influence, and maybe that’s a solution; for the future, obviously. For now, I’ve got bigger fish to fry.

The fact that she would text her BF with something as painfully mean and spiteful as “If all my friends were like Rose, I would kill myself!”, and then LIE to my face about it during Drama as Lit saying she’d “never texted him mentioning me”! That BITCH. Newsflash? If all her friends were like me, then they’d be a lot more loyal, supportive, funny, and she’d probably be healthier.

Well, her bitchy attempt at sabotage failed. Not only did it fail, but it backfired, because this has made me even MORE determined. I will NOT be weak like she was. I will NOT give in to the lure of fatty processed SHIT. You eat shit, you become shit. You eat like a pig, and you ARE a pig. She’s always complaining about how so many E.D. resources glamourize anorexia like it involves so much self-control, like they’re superior martyrs and bulimics are barfing selfish pigs with no willpower, but…  well, if the shoe fits! Like she can cave so many times and still consider herself equal to anas. She obviously has a complex. She’s probably jealous about me skipping lunches to exercise, eating only a clif bar for lunch, looking so much slimmer now, my sheer determination to make it in the entertainment industry, to be better than before. And now that i’m water fasting, something she has probably NEVER managed to do in her entire piggy LIFE – she’s obviously jealous. Even back when she was dieting she would bring along MASSIVE bags of celery to lunch and just crunchcrunchcrunch, as though even “zero calorie foods” had to be eaten in epic proportions. Where’s her direction in life?

OK, now on to news about the Bee. I went with Janis, Zen, and Janis’ BF. (Zen drove.) I got a reading from Deb that revealed some things I already knew (esp. the fact that my dad is incredibly selfish), and in the end we decided that a hotfoot spell would be best. I paid her $40 upfront and need to bring the rest of it on Wednesday the 17th along with a personal item of dad’s. Janis’ BF seemed kind of weird at first but then he seemed really cool, and i might have almost liked him until I found out they were together. (Since October, but apparently “it’s complicated”.) After we were done at the Bee, we went to Beans & Barley, a vegetarian and vegan restaurant (organic, free-trade, local, etc) that inspired me even more in 2 ways. One way in that
I am DETERMINED to make enough money in showbiz to buy whatever foods I want and have MASSIVE chew-spit binges as well as follow a diet of raw foods one day, one gourmet meal the next day. The other way is that I was around amazing gourmet food constantly and never ONCE actually ate anything. I just had several glasses of icewater and a small glass of cranberry juice. It was really good. Everyone else ordered things like burritos, sandwiches (one was egg and the other panini, I think), & some type of portobello mushroom burger. There were unfinished pickles and tortilla chips and guacamole and stuff, but i ONLY had water. (And the cranberry juice, which is a diuretic and therefore works on the cleanse; plus it’s my first day and i deserve a treat!) Then for desserts, they had a flourless vegan chocolate cake (very rich, apparently), and Janis’ BF had a GIANT slice of chocolate cream coconut pie. OMG IT LOOKED HEAVENLY. A thick layer of whipped cream, chocolate shavings…. mmmmmmmm. I’m not going to lie, it looked ORGASMIC. But I didn’t have ANY. I didn’t even have a second glass of cranberry juice. I couldn’t believe my own will power! Zen and her sister were even passing the slice of rich flourless vegan chocolate cake directly under my nose as they shared bites between them, and I never once cracked although I DID find myself subconsiously reaching for the uneaten chips or almost asking to taste someone’s food without even REALIZING it. I never once complained, though. (The adderall I took this morning probably – no, DEFINITELY had something to do with that!) 😉

{February 13, 2010}   day 1 water fast

OK, so I told dad about the water fast & he said that it’s fine but his advice was to put some lemon juice in there to loosen up mucus. (Is mercury in retrograde or something?)

Also, my family is going to Rocky Rococo’s later on and it’s a good thing I’ll be at the Bee while they’re there. What’s funny is that we have a coupon, and dad gave me a few other coupons to cut up for my collage. (Obviously this one is for the Shiney collage!) Perhaps it’s a sign that this is somthing I’m meant to do.

I just took my first EVER before photos. I’ll post them here for storage, since this is a protected entry and it doesn’t show a face.

Read the rest of this entry »

OK, so I’ll admit it. I binged today. I ate a TON of chocolates and stuff; Probably almost a pound’s worth (calorie-wise). I don’t even know what got into me… I hadn’t taken my adderall because I’m arrogant and hadn’t felt hungry all day and then the cravings hit and I juts GAVE IN. This is the third day in a row I’ve been weak, and it’s the worst it’s been so far. The worst it’s been in months. I’m considering a water fast because, if I take my adderall with it,it might be easier to handle. PLUS, it’ll give me a jump-star to my diet, make me lose a lost really quickly, give me more motivation to stay healthy, and re-set my diet so that I no longer crave junk foods and bingeing. My stomach also won’t be as stretched out as it was after the binge! 🙂

Ten days are required to lose weight til your ribs show, your face gets gaunt, people seriously notice. But the good news is that after the first day, or first 3 days tops, hunger subsides and you can go for week with no food easily. So adderall constantly for the first 3 days and nothing after that.

My biggest concerns with the water fast are:

  1. No energy/motivation for my 2 upcoming auditions.
  2. I might break the fast and binge.
  3. What will I eat the days that I’m coming out of the fast? I’m supposed to eat ONLY fruits and veg coming out of it, and we rarely if ever have those things around. After that I can PROBABLY go back on my diet plan, but for at LEAST a week I need just fruits and veg.

My biggest motivators are:

  1. The news that Shiney is still into disordered eating; I can outdo her visibly, and what better to steal the spotlight from a wannarexic than literally
  2. To prove to myself that there ARE in fact, consequences for bingeing, and that it will not be tolerated. I am serious about the weight loss this time. It is the 11th hour, make-it-or-break-it, moment of glory or the age of failure. My choice.
  3. To see how far I can go weight loss-wise, and document it along the way as a motivator to get there permanently AND to keep myself in shape.

I’m going to The Bee tomorrow at 4:15 (with Zen, Janis, and Janis’ guy pal) and I have a few options. The first thing to ask is to ask about the death spell for my dad and explain Cat’s reading. Then I can either buy a poppet to make Shiney fat OR I can ask for one to make myself thinner. (Tell them that my doctor said I should lose about 30 pounds.)

I’ve also decided that I’m going vegan after my fast is over. And I’m going to tell as many people as I can, ASAP, so that they hold me to it. Nothing like social pressure to keep someone in line on their diet! (Plus it’ll be nice to bond with Froshgoth over something and I can get her advice on the issue, and this way Shiney will hear that I’m more dedicatd than her!)

To begin with after my fast: Bananas, apples, maybe some frozen broccoli to steam, dried banana chips, vegetable soup (ask Aunt Terry for the recipe from last time), baby carrots, raisins, spinach and strawberries (ask Grandma Alice forr vinegarette recipe), etc … then i can ease into it with almonds, tuna with lemon-pepper seasoning, fruit sorbet, and MAYBE clif bars and carnation, eventually. (maybe I should stop having carnation with milk and just have water? or soymilk or something.) If I REALLY need carbs, I can have tofu shiritake noodles with walden farms marinara sauce or air-popped popcorn with I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter spray. Or a handful of frozen strawberries blended with a cup of soymilk or rice milk. Almonds and wheat gluten for protein. Low-calorie english muffins from Sam’d Club, 80 cal each.

really good NEW outside source: http://naturalhygienesociety.org/articles/fasting1.html

also go here for fresh fruit and veg cheap:

Check out the awesome online resource, http://www.pickyourown.org to search for, and locate, a farm near you where you can pick your own fruits and vegetables. Often this opportunity is cheaper than buying fruit in the store, even with gas as a factor. I recently purchased six pounds of blueberries for around $12, about a fourth of what I would have paid in a store. You can use the information on the website about what is in season locally to help know what to look for in the grocery store as well. The site also provides directions for washing, storing, and freezing several types of fruit and vegetables so that you can buy in bulk and stretch your money further. Many of the farms are even certified organic produce. Picking your own is a great way to show kids where produce comes from and get them interested in those healthy fruits and vegetables. If the farm is a ways away, carpool with neighbors, friends, or family and split the cost of gas.


et cetera