A Rose with Starry Eyes

{May 11, 2010}   fat camp, LOL

fat camp reality tv, WOW.

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{February 26, 2010}   binged last night. ashamed.

I binged last night. I need support. I had a really bad binge last night. I was doing the best I’ve done in years, and now it’s ALL GONE. I’m too ashamed to even say what I ate….

I am SO ashamed. I was doing SO well, better than I’ve done in a while, and then I just LOST it. I’m not even going to TALK about what I ate because it’s so shameful…. Anyways, my binge was so bad that I had a panic attack right before my college class. I couldn’t stop crying, so I skipped my exam & went to the library nearby and ended up finding an abandoned bathroom I didn’t even know was there. I was so desperate that I considered harming myself, but there was nothing sharp. Stabbing myself in the arm with a pen seemed ridiculous. So I ended up taking $20 to a locally-owned art store and purchasing a $4 exacto-blade. Here’s a pic:


 I didn’t use it, because by that time I’d calmed down. But I feel powerful just knowing it’s at home, in my brown paper bag, & only I know it’s there. If I binge again, I’ll feel the sting. If I don’t have self-discipline, I’ll USE self-discipline. I know it sounds sick, and it totally is, but for once in my life, I want to accomplish something. I’ve never done S.I. before, but desperate times call for desperate measures.


I’ve been coping with EDNOS since 6th grade and I was just beginning to see results. I’m not giving up now. I need to remind myself: This is not something that will just HAPPEN to you. This is something you need utter dedication for, something you WILL see results from if you stick with it. For once in your fucking worthless life, finish something.


From now on, I will be more strict. I will take my adderall twice a day. I will go on the elliptical for at least an hour & do pilates every night. I will spend a lot of time at the library and almost never be home. I will guzzle hot tea and take cinnamon capsules. I will fine. I will be thin. I will do this.

This is how the industry will turn on you if you gain ANY weight. This is what you’re up against. If you want to succeed, DON’T make her mistake!

(the rise and fall of the now-fat ex-model Gemma Ward is under the cut)

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et cetera