A Rose with Starry Eyes











{May 14, 2010}   more boy news!

OK, so this guy who I’ll call Cliff in my Drama as Lit class was in a group with Xang and I and we’re doing a project together. Yesterday we talked and had fun, and I sort of realized how cute he was. At lunch today I stayed in the library a bit and then went into lunch. A few minutes after I came in, Cliff came over to our table. Everyone was playing Risk and he sat down too, and when his friend came over I mentioned gurren laggan, the anime I was watching earlier. It turns out Cliff’s into cosplay too, and he loves anime and acting.

So for class today, Xang didn’t show and it was just him and I. We spent the entire hour procrastinating and talking, and I started recommending tv shows and stuff like that, and writing it on his arms. It was definitely flirty, and we didn’t get anything accomplished. He has a great sense of humor though, and laughed at a lot at the stuff I said. We didn’t even start the poster we were supposed to do, so then I asked him what he had next hour. He had study-hall but had to do algebra, so I told him to skip it and make the poster with me.

We ended up in the hallways, trying to work on a poster about a question neither of us knew how to answer. In desperation, I flopped down on the poster- and when he asked me what I was doing, I told him to trace me. He protested, but then gave in. Then I made him lay down and I traced him. It was honestly kind of sexy to make a guy lie down in the position I wanted him to with his eyes closed so I could draw around him. πŸ™‚ We did this for a while and I was sure to “accidentally” brush strands of my hair over him. We both ended up getting marker on eachother, and I even drew some ontop of his eye. πŸ˜› When we finally started working on the poster, I talked him into staying late so he’d miss part of his next class. He agreed, but pretended to put up a fuss. As we talked, I found out he does acting outside of school and did a drawing of himself as the hulk, and I had to feel his bicep to be sure. (Surprisingly hot arms!) He also gave me his number. I talked him into setting up our stuff in the middle of the hallway so that we blocked almost all of it during the passing time. Then, being late for class, we went to our Drama room and lied to get a pass from the teacher, who told us to write them out and she would sign them. I filled his out as Batman and she signed it without even looking! Then we walked together to his class and later on, IMed eachother. I kept trying to flirt with him but he was oblivious, and also trying to IM 4 other people simultaneously. I did manage to ask him to draw me, however, and he said he would if I liked one of the works he did before, which be up around school soon.

I really like this guy. Obviously the voodoo spell will work and Dev and I will be together- it’s inevitable. But there’s nothing wrong with flirting and maybe even kissing until that lovable idiot finally comes to his senses! Plus, it’ll give him something to work for. I actually go an update from the voodoo woman about the strength of her attraction spells. This is what she said:

but my attraction spells never did fail this is for sure my dear. I did make even wedding happen with my attraction spell so you will have your results.

Your spell is going fine do not worry I am casting it twice a day and is doing all my power to make it as strong as I can.

xang said she was surprised that I liked him but she’s happy that I do, since Dev went from being semi-attainable to barely attainable, but now Cliff is attainable to me. She’s glad that I didn’t settle for the first guy I liked (meaning dev) and that I have three options now (including a cute sophmore who I rarely get to see).



{April 21, 2010}   daily personal update

Still awaiting a response from the voodoo woman. I don’t know WHAT I’ll do if she says that the physical changes spell isn’t good for metabolism… (Apparently it’ll take a few months anyways but I can wait that long.)

Thanks to today’s career fair at school, I’m considering what to do on the side until I’ve hit my stride acting. You can take a 600 hour massage class for $7, 125 after you graduate high school and get a license; someone told me that you’re sure to make back all the money you spent on tuition within a year. I think I might do that…

Random Shiney news. She’s even more of an idiot than I thought. I had thought she’d left the whole “multiple personalities” schtick behind, but apparently Xang heard at a party that her “friends” were rolling their eyes about “Good Shiney” and “Bad Shiney”.

Better yet, when I asked M for a scissors, she made me promise that I wasn’t going to cut myself. I said no, and she’s like “Good, because beleive it or not I had a kid do that before.” I couldn’t help myself. I was like, “Really? I know someone like that.” I said it REALLY loudly and looked at Shiney from across the room. She looked right at me, and I’m SURE that she knew I meant her. M’s like,Β  “Like really, who borrows a scissors so they can cut themselves?” I look RIGHT at Shiney and go “The girl I knew had her own special bag.” She looked really upset and nervous at that point, and I was really tempted to spill it to M that “the person is in this room”, but I didn’t. I preferred watching her squirm. XD



Boy News!

I met a really great guy at my friend Zen’s anime club at her college. I think I’ll call him Dev in this blog. I’ve talked to him and we have a lot in common; he originally liked Zen but she decided he wasn’t serious enough. I saw him 2 days; both days we watched movies in the lounge with a bunch of other people. He was open to dating me up unil he found out about the age difference (3 years). It’s been forever since I met a guy I was this attracted to! I’m definitely going to try to make a move. When the time comes, I’ll try to slip some red into cupcakes I’ll bake for the club and hopefully he’ll have some! In addition, I’m saving up for a voodoo spell, which is detailed below.

Distant Future

I’m counting on getting a spell done by a voodoo priestess in Brazil to snag the guy I mentioned before. After that, she has a spell for physical body changes that apparently “changes aspects you don’t like” (1 change per cast, and very pricey). I think the best thing to do is to inquire if it can speed up metabolism, since technically that is a bodily change as well as an aspect I don’t like! Ultimately, I want her to make a ritual so I get into my first-choice college, at this moment, is UCLA. Her spell-work is expensive but it’s a legitimate Brazilian Santeria priestess and it’s my choice, anyways!

Spells to Cast Overtime

  • boyfriend: Dev to fall in love with me.
  • admissions to first choice college (UCLA)
  • get the loan/ find a co-signer for surgery; make parents okay with it
  • career: inherent talent, agent, big breaks, specific roles, charisma, Oscar
  • lose the weight (physical body change: metabolism)

Goals for the Year:

  1. Get a credit card.
  2. Get a BF (preferably Dev).
  3. Get loan for plastic surgery, schedule date.
  4. Get accepted to my first choice college.
  5. Get cast in some type of theatre.
  6. FINALLY lose the weight! (Via laser lipo, voodoo spell, whatever!)
  7. Take senior pictures looking absolutely perfect. (Nose job, hot bod, everything; head-shots, too!)
    1. Technically the deadline for this is the end of senior year. Be sure to use Xang’s photographer that she recommended! (Get a whole new skinny wardrobe from goodwill/sales rack and show off body.)


{March 2, 2010}   random life updates

Conjure Update

I emailed Miss Bri last night and sent her $10 for a 10 minute reading via Paypal. We have a reading scheduled for this Friday at 4PM. If the reading is positive, she’ll be willing to take on my case and do a conjure; worst come to worst, I’ll borrow some from my brother or sell my stuff for money. I’m really nervous about the outcome, because frankly, I want a sugardaddy. I’m trying not to think too much about it in case I psych myself out, but… I hope she says yes. Because if she doesn’t, I will have to pay someone else for a reading. And if they say no, I don’t know what I’ll do.

EDIT: Also, the woman on the forum who worked her first conjure for the same purpose I want this one emailed me back and said she’s willing to look over my rough list of traits! So hurray for feedback.

BTW: I had my interview at Culver’s icecream and it went well, but I’ll probably need to do another since the guy who usually does them is out.

Xang’s BF

Just found out that today before school Xang’s BF Gasmask took some type of pills with wine. AAARGH. This guy is so sweet to her but has such obviously bad habits! But he said he’ll be willing to stop taking pills if Xang will stop cutting herself. (I thought she had stopped for a while, but apparently started back up again.)

Also, Xang and I are supposed to hang out on Friday since it’s early release. πŸ™‚ We’re going to the thrift shop and possibly to the local college cafe for coffee.

My Blogspot Blog

My blogspot now has 15 followers, most of whom regularly comment on my posts. I got 6 within the last 24 hours!!!! I need to branch out and read other people’s blogs more often….

Once I Get Home…

Once I get home I am SO making myself an egg omlette with tuna mixed in and possibly vegetables with a side of frozen fruit with cinnamon sprinkled on top. YUMMMMMMY!!!

EDIT: Just fnished the egg omlette with tuna and, while it wasn’t TOTALLY scrumptious, adding tuna to an omlette is a GREAT way to camouflage the fishy taste. 2 eggs and half a can of tuna (70 cal per egg, 70 cal per half tuna can) are 210 calories, and for what’s probably more than your daily serving of protein, it’s a very filling, low-cal meal.



{March 1, 2010}   quotes of the day

“I think your sister is pretty.”

~my bro’s GF Hally commenting on me, telling him instead of me because she though it would be awkward! πŸ˜‰

So the other day, my brother’s GF came over. (In the hopes that she’ll stick around and make him happy for a really long time, I’ll give her a codename now; Hally.) I was just wearing PJ pants and a hoodie but she apparently thought I was pretty! It honestly made me squeal with joy to get a sincere complement from a total stranger; no one ever calls me pretty, and if they EVER do, it’s because they have to. I just make myself imagine how great it’ll feel once more people tell me that!

Mary: I really need to start starving myself… Rose is on a hard-core diet. I’m surprised you didn’t know; I thought you guys were really close.”

Xang: “She probably just didn’t tell me because she doesn’t want to trigger me.”

~paraphrasing a conversation between Xang and Mary.

OK, so long story short, Mary is a girl in my gym class who asked me about my Carnation drink a few days ago. I told her about it and ended revealing my diet to her. She didn’t really comment at the time, she was just sort of nice and polite, but later on she had a class with Xang. Xang has had issues in Miller’s class, first when Trish said she “tried being anorexic once but failed”, and today Mary says that “I really need to starve myself”. This got Xang pissed, which made Mary innocently bring up my crash diet. This is a trigger on multiple levels; first, I now feel accountible to Mary to show I lost the weight and stuck with it. My goal is to make Mary comment on my size! Secondly, she called my diet “hardcore”; I’ve never been called hardocre in my LIFE, so this is pretty cool. And I know she’s not ana, but I am determined to stick to a diet that a normal perosn would find “hardcore”. I know I can do it! Thirdly, Xang now knows about my diet. I don’t want to trigger her, obviously, but in a sick way, I DO want her to worry. Or at least notice that I lost the weight.



{February 24, 2010}   life thus far

I FINALLY Have Access to a Scale!

I got permission to use the school’s scale to weigh myself. I’ll have to keep it to once or twice a week so the gym teacher doesn’t get suspicious; she has to unlock it everytime I use it. I don’t know what I weigh right now…

Spartanette Tryouts

I asked about joining Spartanette today; they’re the school’s dance squad. (It’s different from cheerleaders, too – it’s more athletic and more fun to watch!) Apparently I’m a shoo-in since they need new members so much. It’ll look good on a college resume, trigger me to lose more weight, and give me a chance to work out!

Added Shiney bonus: we have Enviro Sci together and she may have overheard me asking Miller about the tryouts. She honestly just sat there, chewing on her gross, overly-long bangs, as I asked about becoming a cheerleader! XD I caught her staring at me once after that. Can’t wait to see how much more she stares at me as I begin to drop the pounds and disappear! πŸ™‚

OK, quick update: so GasMask overheard the Spartanettes’ advisor talking to a couple of girls about me like I was already in. I KNOW they need more people, so I think it’s safe to rejoice! πŸ™‚

Xang’s Bad Mood

Miller told Shiney and I during Envrio Sci that about halfway through the period, Xang had just snapped andput her head down on her desk. She didn’t know why, but Miller allowed her to sit in the back of the class. Thankfully Shiney didn’t have her phone to text Xang, but I did.

During Drama as Lit Xang told me that it was because some stupid girl in her class said in all seriousness that she tried being an anorexic but failed, and Miller cracked up. This annoyed Xang and made her snap because she was having a horrible mood that day and it just really bothered her.

Good Link for Future Thinso

http://iflifegivesyoulemonsdonteatthem.blogspot.com/

http://candysuicide.blogspot.com/



{February 23, 2010}   things from today

Here are some random things that happened today:

  1. Day 1 of my diet. Am doing pretty well so far; have had 2 servings of carnation with milk & fiber packet and a few M&Ms I found in my pocket, which is no big failure. Took my adderall. Will experiment with a tuna recipe later.
  2. It’s Tuesday, so we’re getting pizza that’s on sale. I’m genuinely not hungry, so I won’t have any. Score 1 for Rose & willpower! πŸ˜€
  3. I figured out what tattoo I want: blackbird on right wrist. I also think it was a sign that Andi mentioned the Starship tattoo place yesterday and that it’s so easily accessible. (Some other ideas were the Lorax from Dr. Seuss, a Unitarian Universalist chalice, & a little willow from the Paul McCartney song.) I can’t wait to reach my ugw! πŸ™‚
  4. Have a ton of homework to do; haven’t yet started. *Yawns.* But, ma, it’s boooooooooring!!!
  5. I started counting calories on a website called caloriecount.about.com ; my username is neverfit and my password is my old lunch number code. I love all the nutritional info they have there!
  6. Mom got my schedule for next year all worked out with my idiot guidance counselor.
  7. Today Xang and I set up a display in the library for positive body image and E.D. awareness. She put up her scale, where she had pasted on positive sayings from magazines and crossed off the word “thinner” on it. She also put up a selection of library books. We set it all up this morning, and actually originally put it all on the wrong table. πŸ˜› I’m really happy for her that she took the initiative and cares so much about education on the issue. I told her that my new goal was not to binge, and she said that was good, and that it was actually one of the first challenges in her program; it makes sense. If you don’t binge, you’re far less likely to purge. I’ve decided that I’m going to slowly drop hints about an E.D. the longer she spends getting better and the more weight I lose. I don’t want to relapse her, I just want her concern….
  8. I still haven’t delivered that stuff to the Bee. Urgggh.
  9. Note to self: look up band “The Peirces”.
  10. Made a new online ana friend. Her blog is actually one of the ones I chose to post as a guest star: Anathasy. Our stats are quite similar, and she’s the one who sparked my tattoo idea. She’s already commented on my blog and praised my tuna recipes. πŸ™‚ When I first read her blog, I assumed she was tiny, but now I go back and read them it’s like, finally! Someone whose hw is above mine! Her hw is 182 and mine is only 175ish. Her ugw is 140, but mine is 120. (I’d probably settle for 125 or something, depending on how it looked on me.) She’s an inch taller than me at 5′ 10″, but I’m cool with that.
  11. I realized today that I definitely bear a resemblence to Lindsay Lohan especially if I were to get a nose job. Here’s the link to the ONTD page I noticed it on (http://community.livejournal.com/ohnotheydidnt/44355123.html?page=6#comments), and here’s a link to where you can clearly see the outline of her S.I. scars. (http://img206.imagevenue.com/img.php?image=22397_Lindsay_1164_122_363lo.jpg). Here’s the pic where you can REALLY see the similarity to me! http://img261.imagevenue.com/img.php?image=21990_Lindsay_040_122_40lo.jpg
  12. Some future blog entries I’m planning for my other blog:
    1. the wannarexic chronicles (all about shiney)
    2. before/after pics (of me, once I’m close to my ugw!)
    3. stuff about adderall; how it helped in the past, how it helps celebs, how I got it, risks, rewards, etc. (maybe even include my adderall haiku!)
  13. I found out Rach’s measurements: she’s 5’7″, weighs 120 pounds, and has a 29″ waist. (2 inches shorter than me but she has my ugw and a waist pretty close to my goal.)


{February 23, 2010}   Shiney updates

OK, so basically when I told Xang this morning that Shiney is still crash-dieting, abusing her meds and eating goldfish crackers, she revealed to me that Shiney is also still cutting. Apparently she stopped for a while when she was still with her old BF (he took away her scissors – ikr, she uses scissors to cut!), but she’s back again. I mentioned I was surprised that she didn’t use an exacto-blade, and Xang said that she likes to carry around sharp things, even if she only uses scissors. We both agreed that it’s weird thatΒ I knew she crash-dieted and Xang knew that she did S.I., but neither of us knew the other’s info, although apparently Xang told Shiney NOT to tell her is she WAS crash-dieting. So, Shiney really still IS a wannarexic. *Sigh* Apparently you can tell when she cuts from when she wears those asinine arm bands that cover her wrists; and here I always thought it was a rumor that those were for cutters….

I am, of course, am taking this as a personal challenge. If Shiney really DOES still struggle with this stuff, then won’t it just kill her to see me succeeding while she stagnates and fails? Especially if I choose to make my E.D. public; there are a lot of ways of doing it so that it’s subtle but not overlooked by everyone. I could see a specializing therapist or check into recovery (though I wouldn’t want to gain the weight back!), or I could try to model or something. Or I could fast publicly, make an announcement and ask for donations to a fund. The key to having attention from therapy yet not truly having to change my patterns would be: (1) making sure my shrink doesn’t know I abuse adderall – or else I’ll never be able to get a prescription again! , (2) making sure they don’t find out about the blog or my other blog, or my online thinspo collections, and (3) not gaining too much weight back, of course. And also not letting them knows my triggers, specifically my anti-Shiney/personal challenge, competitive trigger….

I almost feel proud of myself, in a twisted way, that I picked up on this so quick and realized she was back in her old rut within a week or two of it coming into my mind. (Esp. when you consider that Xang and Rach were both withholding insider info.) When I see Rach next, I’m going to ask her if she knows that Shiney is cutting…

~

EDIT:

Alright, so yeah, Rach knew. And she thought it was funny that I was the last to know everything. I think she also said it didn’t matter or something like that; I said it did because I didn’t know she was still sick, I thought she’d gotten better, and Rach replied that Xang had “always been sick”. I said “well what about middle school?” and Rach just sort of shrugged, like she’d been less sick but only less, not anything like a regular person.

I also asked Xang about Shiney mentioning suicide; at one point she had told me about cutting herself form collarbone to groin so she could see her inside, and Xang said she’d been told that too, only it was so that she would make a beautiful/interesting corpse. Xang actually agreed with me on how ridiculous it was; apparently Shiney flips out whenever there are needles or blood. (So why the fuck does she cut herself?!)



{February 19, 2010}   random things that made my day

Xang: “No offense, Rose – it’s not your weight that hurts, it’s your bones are digging in.”

me: Aww, that’s the nicest thing – “

Xang: It’s not a complement!”

The above is a quote from the pep rally. I was sitting on Xang’s lap because Shiney wouldn’t move over sideways & I insisted. This really makes me rememeber how I used to scorn that one number on the “reasons to be thin” list about how “do you want people to say wow, you’re so thin, or oof, get off me, fatass!” The best thing is, Shiney was sitting right next to us. I bet she heard. πŸ˜›

When I came over to them at the pep rally, Xang was cuddling with Gas Mask & Shiney was sitting next to her. I asked Shiney to move and she slid the other way so I wouldn’t be close enough to Xang. When I asked her to move the other way, she said there wasn’t enough room. Xang joked I should sit on her lap, so I did. (See quote above.) I effectively cut Shiney off from Xang, although walking back to the classrooms she was really clingy & hugged Xang too much. Xang even noticed, asking why everyone was being so possessive of her.

I cannot wait to make a fat, loser poppet of Shiney.

~

~

Another thing that happened today that really made me smile was when some random cute, jock guy walked past me in Enviro Sci singing a Tracey Chapman song. I asked him about it and he said that he LOVED Tracey Chapman! I told him it was my first concert ever, and he said his buddy went to Chicago to see her perform. Then Miller chimed in and asked me about if I liked Liz Phair, which is weird because just last night I had been thinking about her songs! (some of them serve as triggers to me.) Huh. Serendipity. πŸ™‚



Alright. So let me first start off by talking about what annoyed me the most today: Xang. She was really bitchy about me doing a water fast. I mean, I knew she would be weird about it since she’s an ex-Mia only a few months out of recovery, but she went above and BEYOND passive-aggressive. She was out of line. And she didn’t just say I shouldn’t for health reasons or express doubt at my abilities, she basically implied I’m a hypocrite and a crazy person who has insane expectations. Here’s the excerpt:

Rose: I’m on Day 1 of my water fast!

comments:

Caiti: why? you could get really sick from that..

Rose: no, you couldn’t. it doesn’t mean not drinking water, it means consuming ONLY water. people have been doing this for ages, and it’s a great way to flush toxins out of your body that have been accumulating since birth, and it’s also a great way to start a vegan lifestyle, which I plan on doing. plus, after day 3 I’m buying myself a bracelet and the proceeds go to starving children in ethiopia. it’s an awareness fast.

Xang: I love how you imply that Caiti’s stupid and doesn’t know what you’re talking about. Caiti- I don’t think you’re stupid.

my Bro: lol I do!

Caiti: i know what it is. and yes it may wash out your toxins. and your nutrients too. do what you want. but you don’t need to lose weight. youre perfect as you are (:

Xang: I just kind of wonder what happened to ‘veganism inconveiniences the people around you’ and ‘I’m going to eat turkey now, and steal lunches from innocent freshman, because I’m too ‘selfless’ to have my mom go out and buy me a specefic brand of granola bar.’

Rose: hey Xang? GO FUCK YOURSELF. There are so many things wrong with that sentence I’m not even going to bother correcting your dumbass mouth.

And also, Caiti, I wasn’t sure if you knew what it was since when I mentioned it to the female gym teacher last year, who I consider to be a health expert, she didn’t know what it was.

Then I posted this message to her wall:

“What you just commented was SO disrespectful. I respect your personal decisions and challenges as a friend, and if you’re ACTUALLY my friend, I consider it reasonable that you do the same.”

I, so far, have had no response.

All I want to say is here: I am willing to be vegan because i am willing to push myself beyond the boundaries I saw previously. Also, I need an excuse to turn down all the fatty foods that Xang would probably suck down like a Hoover. As for the “selfless”-ness due to not execting my mom to drive miles out of her way in horrible weather to buy me a pack of fucking clif bars, yeah, that actually was pretty high-minded of me. And the freshman dude who keeps giving me his turkey sandwhichs does so because he doesn’t want to eat them. It has NOTHING to do with his “innocence”. So FUCK THAT SHIT. I won’t go into it unless she says something passive-aggressive in response to my post.

It’s weird, too, because it’s such a HUGE about-face from where our friendship started. When i told her I was starting a juice fast back then, she got all concerned and asked me not to push myself too far, comparing me to the Sainted Schiz who, of course was an ana. But if I go that direction, I’m a loon. *rolls eyes*

Our relationship is a lot different now from when it first began; I think she was more loyal, didn’t take me for granted, and even maybe cared more. She was more concerned. Not to mention how passive-aggressive this whole “recovery” thing has made her! It’s like she looks at me like a total moron for accomplishing what she never could have accomplished. The friendship is SO unbalanced now. She takes me for granted SO fucking much. I miss us making fun of Shiney behind her back, I miss us being immature without her looking down on me, I miss her actually listening to my problems. Deborah at the Bee mentioned something today about how susceptible people are to dream influence, and maybe that’s a solution; for the future, obviously. For now, I’ve got bigger fish to fry.

The fact that she would text her BF with something as painfully mean and spiteful as “If all my friends were like Rose, I would kill myself!”, and then LIE to my face about it during Drama as Lit saying she’d “never texted him mentioning me”! That BITCH. Newsflash? If all her friends were like me, then they’d be a lot more loyal, supportive, funny, and she’d probably be healthier.

Well, her bitchy attempt at sabotage failed. Not only did it fail, but it backfired, because this has made me even MORE determined. I will NOT be weak like she was. I will NOT give in to the lure of fatty processed SHIT. You eat shit, you become shit. You eat like a pig, and you ARE a pig. She’s always complaining about how so many E.D. resources glamourize anorexia like it involves so much self-control, like they’re superior martyrs and bulimics are barfing selfish pigs with no willpower, but…Β  well, if the shoe fits! Like she can cave so many times and still consider herself equal to anas. She obviously has a complex. She’s probably jealous about me skipping lunches to exercise, eating only a clif bar for lunch, looking so much slimmer now, my sheer determination to make it in the entertainment industry, to be better than before. And now that i’m water fasting, something she has probably NEVER managed to do in her entire piggy LIFE – she’s obviously jealous. Even back when she was dieting she would bring along MASSIVE bags of celery to lunch and just crunchcrunchcrunch, as though even “zero calorie foods” had to be eaten in epic proportions. Where’s her direction in life?

~
~
~
OK, now on to news about the Bee. I went with Janis, Zen, and Janis’ BF. (Zen drove.) I got a reading from Deb that revealed some things I already knew (esp. the fact that my dad is incredibly selfish), and in the end we decided that a hotfoot spell would be best. I paid her $40 upfront and need to bring the rest of it on Wednesday the 17th along with a personal item of dad’s. Janis’ BF seemed kind of weird at first but then he seemed really cool, and i might have almost liked him until I found out they were together. (Since October, but apparently “it’s complicated”.) After we were done at the Bee, we went to Beans & Barley, a vegetarian and vegan restaurant (organic, free-trade, local, etc) that inspired me even more in 2 ways. One way in that
I am DETERMINED to make enough money in showbiz to buy whatever foods I want and have MASSIVE chew-spit binges as well as follow a diet of raw foods one day, one gourmet meal the next day. The other way is that I was around amazing gourmet food constantly and never ONCE actually ate anything. I just had several glasses of icewater and a small glass of cranberry juice. It was really good. Everyone else ordered things like burritos, sandwiches (one was egg and the other panini, I think), & some type of portobello mushroom burger. There were unfinished pickles and tortilla chips and guacamole and stuff, but i ONLY had water. (And the cranberry juice, which is a diuretic and therefore works on the cleanse; plus it’s my first day and i deserve a treat!) Then for desserts, they had a flourless vegan chocolate cake (very rich, apparently), and Janis’ BF had a GIANT slice of chocolate cream coconut pie. OMG IT LOOKED HEAVENLY. A thick layer of whipped cream, chocolate shavings…. mmmmmmmm. I’m not going to lie, it looked ORGASMIC. But I didn’t have ANY. I didn’t even have a second glass of cranberry juice. I couldn’t believe my own will power! Zen and her sister were even passing the slice of rich flourless vegan chocolate cake directly under my nose as they shared bites between them, and I never once cracked although I DID find myself subconsiously reaching for the uneaten chips or almost asking to taste someone’s food without even REALIZING it. I never once complained, though. (The adderall I took this morning probably – no, DEFINITELY had something to do with that!) πŸ˜‰



et cetera