A Rose with Starry Eyes











Truly Random Stuff Goes First

  • My blog now has 22 followers and I have devoted myself to answering each of their questions. They’re all really cool! 🙂
  • I’m starting the Shangri-La diet.
  • My bro’s GF Hally finally kissed him. 🙂
  • I dropped off dad’s shirt & the conjure money at the Bee and I’ll get an update in a week. Mom even came in with me and talked to the woman, and she later commented on how empathetic and sensitive she was.

Plans for Future Wealthy BF

What I need him to get me for college:

  • conjure to get into first choice college ( UWMadison or Berkley)
  • credit card in my name that he pays for (covers food, corsets, collapsible bike, dinair makeup, etsy stuff, clothes, gas, etc.)
  • my tuition (esimated $20,00 according to here: http://www.admissions.wisc.edu/costs.php)
  • pays for housing (dorms? sorority house? rent someplace?)
  • a “smart car; the new 2010 Toyota IQ (priced $13,000 to $17,500)
  • mac laptop ($1000)
  • trip to Brazil to get nose job, chemical peel, smartlipo

According to the conjure lady, I have to choose the top 7 qualities for the guy I want. Originally I wanted someone to sweep me off my feet, all charismatic and gorgeous, but now I realize a less social guy would be easier to bag…. Here are my top ideas:

  1. LOVES to spoil me
  2. good conversationalist
  3. wealthy & generous
  4. falls head-over-heels in love with me
  5. would do anything to make me happy
  6. travels a lot and LOVES to take me with!
  7. he makes the first move (pursues me, asks me out, thinks it’s cute I’m shy/inexperienced.)

Stuff from Today

  • Cool new rewards idea: I can get a self-published book of my ana writing! Like fave thinspos, lists, entries, etc.  That way I’m not reliant on technology and it looks legitimate. All my creative writings put together, all my triggers, like a legitimate ana Bible. A portable trigger.
  • Shiney did her makeup that asinine way again, sort of an Egyptian liquid eyeliner look. I can’t wait to be thinner than her and show her what fashionable REALLY looks like….
  • I think my goal is to reach 120 by the end of the school year. I won’t consider weight to be lost until I need new clothes.

I got the job at Culver’s!!!

  • The guy who hired me said that they had literally 1,000 people applying, and were getting 35 online applications per day. NO idea WHY he hired me of all people, but he did! 😀 I guess it pays minimum wage, but I can save up and buy conjures and corsets and etc; my first conjure obviously will be the one for a wealthy BF, since he’ll be the gift that keeps on giving! XD
  • I have my first day this Thursday; it’s an orientation. I think I get paid for that too…

Things I Need to Buy at Sentry’s

They’re having a huge sale at Sentry’s by my house and I need to stock up before the good stuff is gone. The best thing they’re selling is the boxes of flavored low-cal drink packets which are usually WAY expensive but the new off-brands sell for a dollar for 12!!!! 🙂

  • off-brand low-cal drink packets (cherry and lemonade)
  • boxes of gauze (for S.I., a la Alice)
  • bottle of Hydrogen Peroxide (anti-septic to clean cuts,under $1)

I also need to shoplift some stuff, since I have less than $20 left. I should get:

  • Hello Kitty band-aids (very Shiney! so additional trigger there.)
  • vitamins/spices
  • lighter/matches
  • fiber products
  • cheap, tiny notepad

Another Big Trigger: S.I.

Alright, the Alice cut in the movie REALLY triggered me. To make me remember that I am becoming like her, I am planning to walk to the local college library and do an almost ceremonial 3 cuts to my left arm in that one abandoned bathroom; I’ll use the Shiney-esque exactoblade, then the hot-stinging Hydrogen Peroxide and finally wrap the gauzy banadges the way Alice did in the movie.

Additional S.I./trigger ideas;

  • burning tongue with hot water to cut down on food consumption
  • something with fire, like a cigarette burn


{March 1, 2010}   daily checklist
  1. Drink at least 3 waterbottles.
  2. Take cinnamon capsules when you feel like bingeing; it boosts your blood sugar and stops the cravings that start binges.
  3. Take adderall at least once a day.
  4. Have some type of fiber; Benefiber/Metamusil, raisin bran, etc.


{February 25, 2010}   misc. plans

plan for now:

  • 900 calories daily; callanetics minimum.

as a star / in my 20s:

  • one gourmet dish every other day; the rest is raw veggies. (apple & watermelon slices for a snack; spinach, cucumber, tomato, pickles, olives, bell pepper salad with red wine vinegar; celery, carrot sticks, an orange for a later snack.) https://starryeyedrose.files.wordpress.com/2010/02/z692051851.jpg
  • CRON diet, being sure to get all nutrients and a very low calorie count. exercise: yoga.
  • occasional water fasting, 10 days average.
  • corset for 70% waist-to-hip ratio.

as I age:

  • flex-effect program (to keep my face plump & taut)
  • CRON diet continued for longer life span, slower aging, etc. full nutrients & all the ana benefits with no osteoporosis, etc.


{February 23, 2010}   things from today

Here are some random things that happened today:

  1. Day 1 of my diet. Am doing pretty well so far; have had 2 servings of carnation with milk & fiber packet and a few M&Ms I found in my pocket, which is no big failure. Took my adderall. Will experiment with a tuna recipe later.
  2. It’s Tuesday, so we’re getting pizza that’s on sale. I’m genuinely not hungry, so I won’t have any. Score 1 for Rose & willpower! 😀
  3. I figured out what tattoo I want: blackbird on right wrist. I also think it was a sign that Andi mentioned the Starship tattoo place yesterday and that it’s so easily accessible. (Some other ideas were the Lorax from Dr. Seuss, a Unitarian Universalist chalice, & a little willow from the Paul McCartney song.) I can’t wait to reach my ugw! 🙂
  4. Have a ton of homework to do; haven’t yet started. *Yawns.* But, ma, it’s boooooooooring!!!
  5. I started counting calories on a website called caloriecount.about.com ; my username is neverfit and my password is my old lunch number code. I love all the nutritional info they have there!
  6. Mom got my schedule for next year all worked out with my idiot guidance counselor.
  7. Today Xang and I set up a display in the library for positive body image and E.D. awareness. She put up her scale, where she had pasted on positive sayings from magazines and crossed off the word “thinner” on it. She also put up a selection of library books. We set it all up this morning, and actually originally put it all on the wrong table. 😛 I’m really happy for her that she took the initiative and cares so much about education on the issue. I told her that my new goal was not to binge, and she said that was good, and that it was actually one of the first challenges in her program; it makes sense. If you don’t binge, you’re far less likely to purge. I’ve decided that I’m going to slowly drop hints about an E.D. the longer she spends getting better and the more weight I lose. I don’t want to relapse her, I just want her concern….
  8. I still haven’t delivered that stuff to the Bee. Urgggh.
  9. Note to self: look up band “The Peirces”.
  10. Made a new online ana friend. Her blog is actually one of the ones I chose to post as a guest star: Anathasy. Our stats are quite similar, and she’s the one who sparked my tattoo idea. She’s already commented on my blog and praised my tuna recipes. 🙂 When I first read her blog, I assumed she was tiny, but now I go back and read them it’s like, finally! Someone whose hw is above mine! Her hw is 182 and mine is only 175ish. Her ugw is 140, but mine is 120. (I’d probably settle for 125 or something, depending on how it looked on me.) She’s an inch taller than me at 5′ 10″, but I’m cool with that.
  11. I realized today that I definitely bear a resemblence to Lindsay Lohan especially if I were to get a nose job. Here’s the link to the ONTD page I noticed it on (http://community.livejournal.com/ohnotheydidnt/44355123.html?page=6#comments), and here’s a link to where you can clearly see the outline of her S.I. scars. (http://img206.imagevenue.com/img.php?image=22397_Lindsay_1164_122_363lo.jpg). Here’s the pic where you can REALLY see the similarity to me! http://img261.imagevenue.com/img.php?image=21990_Lindsay_040_122_40lo.jpg
  12. Some future blog entries I’m planning for my other blog:
    1. the wannarexic chronicles (all about shiney)
    2. before/after pics (of me, once I’m close to my ugw!)
    3. stuff about adderall; how it helped in the past, how it helps celebs, how I got it, risks, rewards, etc. (maybe even include my adderall haiku!)
  13. I found out Rach’s measurements: she’s 5’7″, weighs 120 pounds, and has a 29″ waist. (2 inches shorter than me but she has my ugw and a waist pretty close to my goal.)


Good news first:

  1. I made a new friend! *knocks wood* Her name is…. damn. Now I need another codename. I’ll call her Lexie. SO, she was doing prose too. She didn’t make the finals, and her knees were literally knocking together when she gave her speech, but it was only her second week and she wrote it herself! It was really good – about how normalcy is relative and no one truly fits that description. We talked in between rounds and it turns out that we have a LOT in common. (We talked Haiti, the DSM-IV criteria has been changed, Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, Gay-Straight Alliance, etc.) She came up to me at the last moment after awards and gave me her number, saying “if you ever want to talk”. I’ll call her tomorrow… I can ask her about forensics, how she did, if she watches Dr Who or has an email/facebook, where she lives and goes to school, if she wants to see a movie with me… Or maybe go to Half Price Books instead? Huh… It’s especially weird since I was thinking lately how I need a new best friend, or at least an additional one, since Xang is busy with Gas Mask and can be kind of cranky sometimes. And Lexie seemed so intelligent! (Too bad I’m awkward at phone conversations!)
  2. I’ve also been more social with people from my school’s forensics. I met an adorable, puppy-dog-looking guy Max who also is in prose and kind of failed as badly as I did. I chatted casually with Katie and tried to be social, talked to my bro’s friend Andy. There was one really cute guy, tall, probably a sophmore; I’ll call him C. We sat next to eachother at a full table and he helped open a packet of Swedish fish for me. (I would ask him to a dance or something but he might have a GF, and how embarrassing would it be to get turned down by a damn SOPHMORE. No… I actually think he might be a freshman! )
  3. Mom got me a used suit from Goodwill that’s rather flattering on my figure. It’s black and draping with nice movement.
  4. One of the girls (who placed third) did a story by JJ Jonas called “Home-coming Queen” that was thinspirational at first but sad in the end. REALLY great writing, though, like a pep-talk speech should be! (It was all about how a girl wanted to outdo her highschool rival, only to find out the rival was sweet and a recent stroke victim. Ignore that part, though, and it was GREAT thinspo!)
  5. WARNING: TMI AHEAD. Three BMs in three days! I don’t know what I’m doing other than drinking more water, but it’s working!

Bad news:

  1. I didn’t win anything. I didn’t even get into the finals. I heard a LOT of great prose but they were mostly humorous with one serious that won first place & a serio-comic that won third. I ended up doing the Kate Chopin peice from the late 1800s, which I hough I did okay at but only scored a 4 consistently with all judges, with 5 being the worst.  I am SO changing my monologue! Maybe something from Wasted? No… something from… A girl did Princess Diaries and didn’t place but got in the finals. I thought it ws frivolous, but she DID make finals. I need to brainstorm more….
  2. I TOTALLY binged. I hadn’t taken my adderall, and I ate a 200 cal packet of Swedish fish, a giant chocolate muffin, a bagel with TONS of cream cheese, a bag of movie popcorn, a clif bar, and a peanut butter cookie. UGGH. STUPID CARBS. I ate too much yesterday, too. My tummy is ballooning…

Unclassified news:

  1. Shiney hasn’t joined forensics and isn’t going to. I wonder if she lied about joining to try to scare me off or to try to imply she was my match? Maybe she’s just a plain ole compulsive liar! It doesn’t matter anyways. Fresh experiences with fresh people, and fewer worries as well!
  2. The girl who DID win prose was WAY skinny. She was like a real-life thinspo… she had the tiniest little legs, long and in heels, and you could tell under her grey suit (blazer & skirt) that she was quite slim. It flattered her SO MUCH. ANYTHING flatters you if you’re thin, including other people! 😉 The fact she placed first in the conference AND looked so much thinner than me is depressing… plus she’s younger. AND she even looks great in a very short haircut; not even bobbed, but trimmed so short it’s almost Mia Farrow. >.> I could NEVER pull that off with my baby-fat face… (Still waiting to get my flex-effect facial exercises kit!)
  3. I have somehow discovered the beauty in bones. I went through a LOT of thinspo last night, as I’m sure my previous posts will illustrate, and certain places triggered me. I still don’t want bones in certain places – clavicles will ALWAYS look gross to me, nobby knees are sickening (in a bad way!), and don’t get me STARTED on how gross it is when you can see the veins in a woman’s hands. Or ANYONE’S hands. it ages you so much. BUT, i do want to see my collar bones. I want to be petite and skinny with a few bones highlighted, not enough to look sickly. I don’t want to take things too far and I don’t want to be in pain because of my bones, but let’s face it, I’m at least 150. This poundage is just not necessary. I love collarbones, hipbones (just a little bit slanting down, not like jutting and scary), and wristbones. I really want killer cheekbones, curved and jutting outwards, visible in photos from any angle. (Plus the more weight you lose on your face to accentuate cheekbones, the bigger your eyes will seem!) I’m borderline about ribs. I really don’t think I like them just yet. I don’t think I ever will! They remind me too much of playing the xylophone. XD

Personal thinspo:

  • Sophia Loren/ Guess model from 2008 campaign shot by Bryan Adams: prominent cheekbones, straight nose (not Sophia’s), strong jaw but not manly. statuesque and curved but NOT big-boned. hair is lush and thick, looks fine worn short because nose has been changed. very thick lashes framing eyes, and pulpy lips. (link to campaign here: http://fashionflirt24.blogspot.com/2008/05/bryan-adams-for-guess-campaign.html)


{February 19, 2010}   triggering activities/reminders
  1. A tidy closet filled with nice shoes and clothes
  2. Watch a person smoke cigarettes
  3. An empty house with only me in it; very little furniture, just expansive hardwood floors and an airy feeling
  4. Cleaning the house; scrubbing with chemicals, defeating every last spec of dirt in my own sacred space
  5. Go shopping; try on all the tiny clothes you can fit, and then maybe all the tiny clothes you CAN’T fit!
  6. Walking around at night, thinking….
  7. Smoke weed
  8. Night clubs
  9. Dancing to loud music
  10. A band called “The Reilly Express”
  11. Sunny weather when it’s beautiful with a breeze
  12. Taking pictures
  13. Writing
  14. Thinking about my future
  15. Season 1 Grey’s Anatomy
  16. really tiny font
  17. lowercase letters
  18. Autumn & going back to college libraries
  19. Oh What A World by Rufus Wainwright
  20. songs by Bright Eyes: I was introduced to the band by my best friend when we both stopped eating. (note from someone else)
  21. Waiting at train stations/bus stops in the dark.
  22. The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath.
  23. Persepholis
  24. Margaret Atwood
  25. Joyce Carol Oates
  26. basically anything feminist, civil rights-oriented
  27. Walking in the countryside by myself when it’s cold.
  28. Wearing big sweaters in winter and still shivering.
  29. Black, sugarless tea.
  30. Painting my toenails.
  31. Watching PBS
  32. black and white photographs, especially done by Lee Miller
  33. Bob Dylan (photographs of, music, and writings)
  34. The Beatles, photographs of, music, and writings
  35. Across the Universe movie
  36. brisk, colorful, melancholy autumn
  37. antique books
  38. barnes and noble
  39. starbucks
  40. big old fashioned sunglasses
  41. Carey Grant, Robert Redford, Clark Gable (movies with and photographs)
  42. long, straight, black hair
  43. Rainy days in London
  44. Memoirs of a Geisha
  45. certain parts of the Parent Trap (in London, at camp, etc.)
  46. Snowy days in New York
  47. Green Hills of Ireland
  48. little water falls
  49. the word petite
  50. hearing women speak french
  51. men with English/ Irish/ Scottish accents
  52. “classical music” (beethoven, motzart, bach, chopin…)
  53. learning to play the piano; the cool, slick keys and the mingling of chords in the air
  54. posing in a photo booth; the result, too!
  55. the movie Amelie
  56. H&M stores
  57. the song Oh My God by Lily Allen feat. Mark Ronson
  58. spending all day long in the city
  59. the musical Rent
  60. music: Anna Nalick
  61. the beauty and precision of a brand-new exacto-knife; used on paper, on skin to etch subtle designs, etc.
  62. Free Falling by Tom Petty
  63. the satisfaction in finishing a thinspo collage, just the way you wanted it to be.
  64. the way it feels to use a typewriter; sort of old world & purposeful, with a clear desk and a hazy, distant mind…
  65. pretty much any movie Keira Knightley has ever been in.
  66. they way it feels to have everything in life just so; everything in the room, on the computer, on the desk, everything.
  67. extensions and lightness in ballet, mirrors everywhere and lithe, long bodies.
  68. the Goo Goo Dolls (especially Iris & Broadway)
  69. staying in strange hotel rooms as you travel.
  70. carrying on an affair with a married man (like J.A.)
  71. the song Yellow by Coldplay
  72. being Cassie in Skins instead of an extra in the background
  73. kissing some random guy at  place, or passionately kissing a mere acquaintance because you’re sort of desperate to feel close to something.
  74. spending all day long walking around the city.
  75. song: She Will Be Loved
  76. “don’t get involved and don’t get hurt, don’t get hurt and you’ll always have fun.” ~Penny Lane
  77. knowing what it’s like to get to Day 10 of the fast and keep on going.
  78. in the movie Control, being deep & free-spirited , melancholy Anouk or the victimized, pregnant wife?
  79. backstage dressing room, a crescent of bare bulbs lighting a mirror & cosmetics and saints’ candles in front of it with flowers & cards as well. looking in that mirror & seeing flawlessness, a  face as exquisite as a rose with a body carved taut & curved from hours of hard practice & rehearsals. deep breaths. appalause. suspense, even amongst the performers. that energy, that rushing movement backstage.
  80. Run by Snow Patrol
  81. that one youtube video to Miles From Where You Are
  82. ropes and ropes of pearls feeling heavy and cool on your neck
  83. the movie running with scissors
  84. the book running with scissors
  85. the memoirs of damaged people
  86. torrid affairs that were too beautiful and too damned to last.
  87. wearing tank tops in the summer
  88. the virgin suicides movie
  89. the virgin suicides book
  90. any movie by wes anderson
  91. fashion style reminiscent of the 1970s, 1960s
  92. anything reminiscent of the 1970s
  93. penny lane, almost famous, quaaludes
  94. certain books by francesca lia block (wasteland; also, echo.)
  95. thin, tartan pleated skirts
  96. art nouveau style pictures, windows, etc.
  97. working all night in an art studio in college, totally passionate about it, all-consumed.
  98. song: everybody’s got something to hide except for me and my monkey by John Lennon
  99. walking around an urban setting at night
  100. those rural-poverty towns, small and beautiful (ie- Forks)
  101. finally getting to ask if they have this in a size smaller
  102. that photo of katy perry with a knife for “self-inflicted”
  103. tons of pretty, glossy pills
  104. ferris wheel; surreal carnivals
  105. imagine somebody calling you their muse; and others, also clamouring to work with you. directors, photographers, everybody!
  106. photo booths (their aesthetic, the way I look in them, the movie Amelie)
  107. moaning to your personal assistant about how hungry you are, how desperate to keep a size two, how you almost fainted from the crowds in Japan, and she fills you in on the feedback from your latest project, tells you your schedule, andmakes sure you get to where you need to go. she’s your best friend and your right hand. she’s always there.
  108. ingrid bergman
  109. wooden knitting needles, soft yarn, the Yarn House
  110. band: iron and wine
  111. singer: bobby dupea
  112. west bend
  113. saying goodbye to somebody for what is really the last time, whether literally or the last time as an equal, a friend, a lover. even if you don’t know it. even more if you do realize it.
  114. those gorgeous lacy spanish fans ladies used to flirt with
  115. feeling asexual and intense in starvation mode
  116. clubbing in crowded places, record-spinner; losing yourself in the crowd, in the rush.
  117. being on a swing, going higher, higher! or a tireswing, going in circles until your dizzy, then trying to walk straight and failing by flopping on the grass, cackling like a witch.
  118. hot soup
  119. tazo tea bags
  120. really any type of hot liquids
  121. shiny blue nailpolish; fingerless gloves, dainty- punkish wrists
  122. certain marilyn monroe photos
  123. doing ballet for hours, finally free to MOVE with no excess padding
  124. red poppies, glowing semi-transparent in the sunlight
  125. the colors in a supernova
  126. music by fiona apple
  127. beautiful old bookstores with genuine cloth/leather-covered books that smell of time
  128. Edward Gorey’s darkly hysterical masterpeices.
  129. blackcigarettes on livejournal
  130. big puffy headphones that surround you in music and make you feel isolated from the world
  131. gorgeous, lacy lingerie, intricate & sensual; or silky nightie, or long sexy stockings and garters.
  132. in the hot, bright sunlight, just soaking it up on grass lawns; like a hippie
  133. cassie from the movie Push
  134. cassie from Skins
  135. kate nash songs
  136. hanging out at the mall all day long, sitting & people watching, drinking tea in a Barnes & Nobles, writing feverishly in your notebook, hanging in the food court and watching everyone eat, thinking how disgusting it looks. go try on clothes and see how skinny you can get, take pics in the dressing rooms. see how many laps you can walk around (bring a pedometer); etc.
  137. cool sunglasses (esp. funny shape or lolita)
  138. stretched out, catlike, on the bed, reading graphic novels in a tank & panties
  139. Sephora’s
  140. annie hall/ last tango/ bardot as a boy: petulant blossoming beauty trying to hide; tomboyish french beauty
  141. an amazing, luxurious marble bath with French bath salts & Lush products, relaxing with a bath and a book and some music.
  142. certain quotes
  143. song: story of a girl (a favorite from middleschool!)
  144. bubbly, sweet-bitter champagne
  145. gothic lolita-style fashion
  146. songs by Maria Mena
  147. spending all day long at Half-Price books with a tea & concentration, lost in words.
  148. Cat Stevens
  149. sharpies
  150. rainbow sharpies!!!
  151. a lucky sock monkey
  152. the babydoll dresses look with long-lean legs and knee-high socks
  153. long, smooth full hair whipping around in the wind
  154. song: Breakaway by Kelly Clarkson
  155. japanese geishas; the hair ornaments, the kimonos, the solitude, etc.
  156. peacock feather; iridescent, delicate hummingbird
  157. comfortably numb by pink floyd
  158. mad mad world
  159. across the universe (fiona apple)
  160. having that perfect singing voice, a voice of JA or Janis Joplin but also some Fiona Apple and Judy Garland, but mostly the power to make EVERYBODY stop where they are and listen.
  161. lights reflecting off the water at nighttime
  162. having everybody love you and need you so much but indifferent to them, as though you’re living on another planet; fickle, keep them competing. have affairs & break hearts, have fun & be fashionably outrageous, have not a thought for society.
  163. Breathe Me by Sia
    older buildings; part decayed
  164. Alice in Wonderland
  165. botanical gardens; walking through acres of wild beauty in an exquisite dress, like an heiress from the 1930s or French nobility before the Revolution. culture, natural beauty, the finer things in this life. exquisitely beautiful; certainly not a prole.
  166. imagine finally being fluent in French, smoking casually & attending Sorbonne for fun to learn art while also filming a movie there with Scorcese
  167. book: the great gatsby
  168. book: wuthering heights
  169. book: chainless soul.
  170. book: lolita
  171. feeling empty and drained after a performance; having connected with EVERYBODY
  172. gritting your teeth as the tattoo artist etches a permanent story into your skin. your friends support you and wince and talk in the background, but only you know that the tattoo is a reward for reaching your ultimate goal weight.
  173. the sting of injecting vitamin B-12 into the body
  174. energy drinks & adderall mixed, nos & redbull & diet mountain dew
  175. staying up late, practically in a trance you’re so focused on the project at hand; going without sleep.
  176. the French language: size two, chic, spohisticate; imagine doing French cinema, strolling through Paris like a native.
  177. a beautiful cameo brooch, antique & perfect
  178. books by Anne Rice
  179. joyous, dancing River Tam
  180. knowing that you’re the best in your field, the greatest actress who holds nothing back and has it all; status, success, respect, and talent. beauty. fame. money. everything. and you’re just going to keep on going; tasteless, invisible ambition flooding your senses, making you high. on the top of your game. you won’t turn back now.
  181. the German language: sexy like Heidi Klum, fashionable; flawless in your tongue-twister-esque pronunciations. beating Shiney at her own second language!
  182. to know the secret rush, the thrill, the freedom of getting away with things and not being caught; taking food to chew & spit in the restrooms and your friends don’t notice, going onto your sixth day of water fasting and no one even mentions you haven’t eaten, etc.
  183. walking in every morning holding car keys & a ceramic coffee cup, looks like expensive but actually full of unsweetened lack tea to stimulate the metabolism.
  184. Hayao Miyazaki movies: Spirited Away, Howl’s Moving Castle, etc.
  185. lifestyle like Max in the book The Namesake
  186. edie sedgwick
  187. beautiful-crazy-sexy-suicidal; holly golightley, brigitte bardot, lux, lolita, edie. a succulent, daredevil goddess; you can take me home but I will never be your girl.
  188. music: Liz Phair
  189. smashing plates because she wants to smash plates, taking a shot of vodka and feeling the shatter in her bones, a fierce fight with a lover turns into vicious sex on shattering porcelain.
  190. movie: Harold and Maude
  191. song: Tiny Dancer by Elton John
  192. music: After Hours by the Velvet Underground
  193. special tea where the dried flower unfurls when hot water is added
  194. teas that are black & sugarless, chai teas, herbal teas, revenge teas like Iron Goddess of Mercy, colorful foreign & nouveau labels, etc.
  195. loves beverages like piping hot black coffee for breakfast, constantly sipping very subtle teas, occasionally a tiny cappuccino. then practically mainlining liquor, shots of the finest Russian vodka and tequila til her eyes burn. shimmery champagne and whole strawberries at 3AM (which she promptly chews up and spits out later). sweet, luscious fruit juices dribbles over a lover’s fair skin, painstakingly consuming every last drop of nectar with a coy grin.
  196. music: Shakira: Don’t Bother; Underbeath Your Clothes
  197. starring in a movie, drinking only liquids. bottled Naked juices, many sips of a tiny cappucino, chugging crystal light, Iron Goddess of Mercy tea as an ironic reminder that you are stronger than she. tart cranberry juice as a diuretic so you don’t get bloated; looking gorgeous on camera, cheekbones sharp & figure perfect. not an ounce out of place, mind totally sharp.
  198. she just seems really close with everyone; it’s almost an instant thing, she’s kittenish and effervescent, completely charming and irresistible especially when she needs to be; warm and peaceful anchored in the astral lands but also sometimes the energy runs wild in her veins
    she just completely needs to be adored by everyone
  199. book: Coraline
  200. movie: Coraline
  201. movie: Thirteen
  202. Amanda Palmer
  203. Keep notebook of quotes. (a la Wasted)
  204. Buy fresh flowers; a beautiful rose an exquisite Rose!
  205. fiercely dry-brushing body
  206. dead deer on the roadside
  207. burning candles; watching the flame, smelling it, meditating/day dreaming, listening to music, etc.
  208. melting candle wax on skin
  209. memorization of poetry (Emily Dickinson)
  210. movie: Gia
  211. Joanna Newsom
  212. tv show: ANTM
  213. tv show: Make Me a Supermodel
  214. tv show: Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency
  215. song: Dream a Little Dream of Me


I agree with you on the wanting to be this other person, thats so mesmerizing and yet dangerous and self destructive and vulnerable. It’s so hard to describe, but i know what you mean. And i spend hours sometimes just imagining their life and wishing i could be that person. And yet its pathetic because i just cant, because i’m too shy and not confident enough, and not amazing. and i cant change that about myself and i hate it.
now that i write this it makes it quite clear how the ED thing fits in with me.



{February 18, 2010}   personal rewards list

basic now:

  • donation to fund to get “I Felt Hunger” bracelet in ana red!
  • The Bombshell Manual of Style
  • use photobooth at Mayfair Mall
  • tazo teabags (ration, use as a reward)
  • diet books: CRON, Skinny Bitch, etc.
  • ceramic coffee-cup (looks like real but is reusable; thinkgeek.com)
  • awesome patterned socks
  • body wrap ingredients (do at home DIY-style)
  • pretty nailpolish (shiney blue)
  • benefiber tablets (fruit-flavored!)
  • chop-sticks for hair (an inside joke! 😉

once I have money:

  • a new corset from Romantasy
  • Dinair airbrush makeup system
  • triggering DVD collection:
    • Girl, Interrupted
    • Skinny (HBO)
    • Food Inc.
    • The Human Footprint
    • Seeing Through the Fence
    • Jamie Oliver’s Food Revolution
    • seasons of Skins
    • seasons of Supersize vs. Superskinny
    • seasons of Freaky Eaters
    • seasons of You Are What You Eat
  • digital camera
  • mac laptop
  • vitamin B-12 injections
  • a sock monkey doll
  • record player; bunch of old records
  • tshirt/pins/bumper stickers with cool messages: Pro-LGBT, Coexist, War on the Enviornment is Going Well, etc. (brand: Northern Sun)
  • eyeliner
  • learning to knit; leads to rewards such as new needles, cool yarn, trips to the Yarn House, plus the actual stuff you make!
  • hoodoo lessons with Cat (correspondence)
  • scarves (knit scarf & silk scarf as accessory)
  • some type of art supplies
  • art lessons
  • learn to ride a bike ; reward is to buy a folding bike with no chain, entering in charity rides to fundraise (free t-shirt!), & being able to burn calories while traveling eco-friendly. You can travel farther than if you were walking, and you still get independence in scheduling! 🙂
  • a really fantastic digital scale
  • shopping spree at Half-Price books
  • personalized stationary set, calligraphy pens, etc.
  • where to buy clothes, which styles:
    • H&M
    • Victoria’s Secret
    • Sephora’s (cosmetics)
    • Lush
    • Hot Topic (lingerie, notebooks)
    • rockabilly style (online)
    • Charlotte Russe
    • Victor-Victoria’s
    • Free-people (online)
    • Art Gecko
  • go to a rock concert
  • Alterra’s “Iron Goddess of Mercy” tea (an inside joke!)
  • an electric kettle to make tea
  • eyelash extensions
  • rainbow sharpies!
  • specific articles of clothing:
    • tartan pleated skirt (schoolgirl)
    • funny-shaped sunglasses (hearts like Lolita, kids-styles)
    • gorgeous lacy fan
    • long, sexy stockings & garters
    • white, wispy cloth top/dress
    • blue button-up shirt with black jeans
    • shiny gold converse like Rach’s (coupled with black outfit & gold star & moon necklace)
    • corduroy pants
    • silk knee-length robe
    • old-fashioned night gown
    • a classic, well-fitted trench coat
  • sign up for ballet lessons
  • ballet class rewards:
    • leg-warmers
    • merchandise
    • new leotard
  • giant puffy headphones that envelope you in sound
  • get a membership at that place with the jade-massage beds 😉
  • use henna ink to draw thinspo mottos and patterns, designs; write secret codes on self.
  • some type of music lessons (guitar, piano, violin again, etc.)
  • gorgeous high heels
  • start collecting first editions!
  • specific books to buy:
    • Chainless Soul
    • Lolita
    • Wuthering Heights
    • The Great Gatsby
    • certain Francesca Lia Block books
    • old fairy tales
    • anything by Astrid Lingren
    • Anne of Green Gables
    • Kate Spade’s books of style
  • see a theater performance
  • Naked juice (as a reward)
  • horse-back riding lessons
  • jewelery
    • milagro necklace
    • collect antique cameos
  • antiques
    • jewelry box
    • bureau
    • teacups
    • good silver (to keep as an heirloom)
    • trunk
    • folding screen to change behind
    • etc.
  • possibly a tattoo (after reaching a HUGE goal or accomplishment., like graduating or reaching ugw.)
  • saints candles from Lucky Mojo
  • workout rewards:
    • pedometer (counts your steps)
    • portable measuring tape
    • ankle weights
    • fiber supplements
    • high-tech digital scale
    • certain vitamins (ie- ALA, MSM, etc)
  • voice lessons (with Trevor, who teaches Rach)
  • a leather bag, like a attache case of a duffel-like feel
  • paper lantern lights
  • sparkling juice a la champagne
  • an exacto-knife (for self-punishments, etc.)
  • choker necklaces
  • graphic novels
  • keihl’s hair product: volumizer
  • godiva chocolates (ration & use as a reward.)
  • monologue books for acting
  • magazine subscriptions
    • Bitch
    • Rolling Stone
    • etc.
  • collect pins, iron-on patches
  • buy very cool, old-fashioned journals
  • outings:

    • spend all day in Elm Grove; get a coffee, check out Foxbrook park, bread place, Yarn House
    • take sister to Betty Brinn museum, eat at the Safehouse, maybe take her to see ballet or theatre
    • Xang and I at the mall all day long, paying for her food and whatnot, then go to a concert and flirt with boys. always outdo her. 😉
  • goldfish cracker necklace … another inside joke! every-time you look at it, you’ll be reminded of how much better than that wannarexic bitch you are. (http://www.kaboodle.com/reviews/goldfish-cracker-necklace)



{February 17, 2010}   to-do list

To-do list (immediate):

  1. gym essay: bobsled.
  2. type out forensics prose!!! (both Aldo Leopold & Kate Chopin)
  3. write & enter Giggle Gig competition ($500 reward; due on 30th of month, alerted & paid by 15th of next month)
  4. notecards, argument for Great Wall of Mexico debate in I.R.
  5. baptize djab (find sage!) ~ first request: to win Giggle Gig competition
  6. call the Bee & say you’ll mail the money & personal object

To-do list (eventual):

  1. Model UN essay (check email)
  2. enter Jane Austen essay competition: Northhanger Abbey & mayhem as a plot element (prize of $250, membership, free Austen book, etc; due May 15th).
  3. apply to job at Culver’s.


{February 16, 2010}   notes about tight-lacing

My synopsis after thoroughly reading the Romantasy website & taking notes.

  1. 3 months needed for initial training
  2. 12-24 hours continuous daily can get results of a 4 to 8 inch reduction & help you lose 5, 10, 20, or more pounds! (in just a few months)
  3. they give you a special exercise and diet plan made just for you.
  4. you’ll have to do a moderate amount of waist-specific exercises.
  5. people can add 1 inch of height from having their posture permanently corrected via corset
  6. corsets minimize hunger pains; unberable cravings become literally non-existent.
  7. the tight-lacing supresses appetite & makes you prefer smaller portion sizes (almost like a lap-band, but on the outside!)
  8. there’s a lot more water-drinking, fiber, celery, soup, etc. involved
  9. you’ll eat several small meals throughout the day rather than 3 big ones to aid your digestion.
  10. to train, you’ll need a well-fitting under-bust hourglass Victorian style corset; not an overbust.
  11. there are ways of maintaining your new waistline even after you’ve stopped training.

These are my other specific plans for a smaller waist:

  1. Body Wrap: reduces inches everywhere, but you can spot-loss if you only do the wrap in that specific area.
  2. Corsetry: reduce roughly 8 inches permanently
  3. Exercise: ab exercises such as callanetics/pilates, 5 Factor Fitness (be sure to target all three ab sections)
  4. Diet changes: adderall daily, veganism, glass cranberry juice daily for diuretics, daily fiber intake
  5. Occasional fasting: water fast every weekend, after every binge, etc.

These are my specific plans for a corset:

  • wear the corset 22 to 23 hours daily
  • the only time you’re NOT wearing a corset is showering & exercise
  • non-corseted exercise consists of callanetics/pilates & 5 Factor Fitness
  • corseted exercise consists of: elliptical machine, stationary bike
  • 30 minute shower every alternating day.

A random blurb about the point of tight-lacing:

A survey of surviving Victorian stays shows that, while corseting was almost ubiquitous, few women could plausibly have even attempted to achieve what was popularly known as a “wasp-waist.” Organizing an exhibition several years ago for the Fashion Institute of Technology, Steele found that corseted waist-hip ratios tended toward .72 which, far from freakish, approximates the natural build of everyone from Kate Moss to Marilyn Monroe, Twiggy to the Venus de Milo. With good reason: A 1993 study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found consensus across ethnicity and gender for the desirability of approximately that ratio, numbers that typically indicate high fertility. So those secondary sexual characteristics admired by Havelock Ellis incite passion at a basic biological level, the level at which we objectify, at which we are objects of one another’s desire — the point at which basic procreation takes place.

My biggest problem is that I can’t pay for the corset! The one I need costs $300, and that’s IF I can get my waist down to 31″. If my waist stays where it is (35″-ish), it’ll cost an extra $20 for the cloth. (Callanetics, NO bingeing afterschool, etc. should do the trick, but I’ll have to work HARD!)

I called around, and Target & Burger King are not hiring. I called Kopp’s and they said they’re hiring probably for part-time weekend stuff (which would fit into my schedule REALLY well). At minimum wage rates, it’ll take me about 41 hours to earn it. (It’ll definitely be a motivator to lose those inches on the waist before I order it!) There’s a possibility that I could get about $100 from my parents before prom… maybe. If my waist starts at 31″, then the corset gets my waist down by 6 inches, I’ll be at a total of 25″. That’s the same as that skinny Caiti girl. That’s the same as Kiera Knightley!



{February 14, 2010}   random ideas for future thinness.

Big, long story under the cut: sensa and body wraps

Read the rest of this entry »



et cetera