A Rose with Starry Eyes











{February 25, 2010}   thinspo: non-people images

Beneath the cut are images of construicting tape measures, book excerpts, scenery, etc; all amnner of triggering inanimate objects…

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{February 19, 2010}   triggering activities/reminders
  1. A tidy closet filled with nice shoes and clothes
  2. Watch a person smoke cigarettes
  3. An empty house with only me in it; very little furniture, just expansive hardwood floors and an airy feeling
  4. Cleaning the house; scrubbing with chemicals, defeating every last spec of dirt in my own sacred space
  5. Go shopping; try on all the tiny clothes you can fit, and then maybe all the tiny clothes you CAN’T fit!
  6. Walking around at night, thinking….
  7. Smoke weed
  8. Night clubs
  9. Dancing to loud music
  10. A band called “The Reilly Express”
  11. Sunny weather when it’s beautiful with a breeze
  12. Taking pictures
  13. Writing
  14. Thinking about my future
  15. Season 1 Grey’s Anatomy
  16. really tiny font
  17. lowercase letters
  18. Autumn & going back to college libraries
  19. Oh What A World by Rufus Wainwright
  20. songs by Bright Eyes: I was introduced to the band by my best friend when we both stopped eating. (note from someone else)
  21. Waiting at train stations/bus stops in the dark.
  22. The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath.
  23. Persepholis
  24. Margaret Atwood
  25. Joyce Carol Oates
  26. basically anything feminist, civil rights-oriented
  27. Walking in the countryside by myself when it’s cold.
  28. Wearing big sweaters in winter and still shivering.
  29. Black, sugarless tea.
  30. Painting my toenails.
  31. Watching PBS
  32. black and white photographs, especially done by Lee Miller
  33. Bob Dylan (photographs of, music, and writings)
  34. The Beatles, photographs of, music, and writings
  35. Across the Universe movie
  36. brisk, colorful, melancholy autumn
  37. antique books
  38. barnes and noble
  39. starbucks
  40. big old fashioned sunglasses
  41. Carey Grant, Robert Redford, Clark Gable (movies with and photographs)
  42. long, straight, black hair
  43. Rainy days in London
  44. Memoirs of a Geisha
  45. certain parts of the Parent Trap (in London, at camp, etc.)
  46. Snowy days in New York
  47. Green Hills of Ireland
  48. little water falls
  49. the word petite
  50. hearing women speak french
  51. men with English/ Irish/ Scottish accents
  52. “classical music” (beethoven, motzart, bach, chopin…)
  53. learning to play the piano; the cool, slick keys and the mingling of chords in the air
  54. posing in a photo booth; the result, too!
  55. the movie Amelie
  56. H&M stores
  57. the song Oh My God by Lily Allen feat. Mark Ronson
  58. spending all day long in the city
  59. the musical Rent
  60. music: Anna Nalick
  61. the beauty and precision of a brand-new exacto-knife; used on paper, on skin to etch subtle designs, etc.
  62. Free Falling by Tom Petty
  63. the satisfaction in finishing a thinspo collage, just the way you wanted it to be.
  64. the way it feels to use a typewriter; sort of old world & purposeful, with a clear desk and a hazy, distant mind…
  65. pretty much any movie Keira Knightley has ever been in.
  66. they way it feels to have everything in life just so; everything in the room, on the computer, on the desk, everything.
  67. extensions and lightness in ballet, mirrors everywhere and lithe, long bodies.
  68. the Goo Goo Dolls (especially Iris & Broadway)
  69. staying in strange hotel rooms as you travel.
  70. carrying on an affair with a married man (like J.A.)
  71. the song Yellow by Coldplay
  72. being Cassie in Skins instead of an extra in the background
  73. kissing some random guy at  place, or passionately kissing a mere acquaintance because you’re sort of desperate to feel close to something.
  74. spending all day long walking around the city.
  75. song: She Will Be Loved
  76. “don’t get involved and don’t get hurt, don’t get hurt and you’ll always have fun.” ~Penny Lane
  77. knowing what it’s like to get to Day 10 of the fast and keep on going.
  78. in the movie Control, being deep & free-spirited , melancholy Anouk or the victimized, pregnant wife?
  79. backstage dressing room, a crescent of bare bulbs lighting a mirror & cosmetics and saints’ candles in front of it with flowers & cards as well. looking in that mirror & seeing flawlessness, a  face as exquisite as a rose with a body carved taut & curved from hours of hard practice & rehearsals. deep breaths. appalause. suspense, even amongst the performers. that energy, that rushing movement backstage.
  80. Run by Snow Patrol
  81. that one youtube video to Miles From Where You Are
  82. ropes and ropes of pearls feeling heavy and cool on your neck
  83. the movie running with scissors
  84. the book running with scissors
  85. the memoirs of damaged people
  86. torrid affairs that were too beautiful and too damned to last.
  87. wearing tank tops in the summer
  88. the virgin suicides movie
  89. the virgin suicides book
  90. any movie by wes anderson
  91. fashion style reminiscent of the 1970s, 1960s
  92. anything reminiscent of the 1970s
  93. penny lane, almost famous, quaaludes
  94. certain books by francesca lia block (wasteland; also, echo.)
  95. thin, tartan pleated skirts
  96. art nouveau style pictures, windows, etc.
  97. working all night in an art studio in college, totally passionate about it, all-consumed.
  98. song: everybody’s got something to hide except for me and my monkey by John Lennon
  99. walking around an urban setting at night
  100. those rural-poverty towns, small and beautiful (ie- Forks)
  101. finally getting to ask if they have this in a size smaller
  102. that photo of katy perry with a knife for “self-inflicted”
  103. tons of pretty, glossy pills
  104. ferris wheel; surreal carnivals
  105. imagine somebody calling you their muse; and others, also clamouring to work with you. directors, photographers, everybody!
  106. photo booths (their aesthetic, the way I look in them, the movie Amelie)
  107. moaning to your personal assistant about how hungry you are, how desperate to keep a size two, how you almost fainted from the crowds in Japan, and she fills you in on the feedback from your latest project, tells you your schedule, andmakes sure you get to where you need to go. she’s your best friend and your right hand. she’s always there.
  108. ingrid bergman
  109. wooden knitting needles, soft yarn, the Yarn House
  110. band: iron and wine
  111. singer: bobby dupea
  112. west bend
  113. saying goodbye to somebody for what is really the last time, whether literally or the last time as an equal, a friend, a lover. even if you don’t know it. even more if you do realize it.
  114. those gorgeous lacy spanish fans ladies used to flirt with
  115. feeling asexual and intense in starvation mode
  116. clubbing in crowded places, record-spinner; losing yourself in the crowd, in the rush.
  117. being on a swing, going higher, higher! or a tireswing, going in circles until your dizzy, then trying to walk straight and failing by flopping on the grass, cackling like a witch.
  118. hot soup
  119. tazo tea bags
  120. really any type of hot liquids
  121. shiny blue nailpolish; fingerless gloves, dainty- punkish wrists
  122. certain marilyn monroe photos
  123. doing ballet for hours, finally free to MOVE with no excess padding
  124. red poppies, glowing semi-transparent in the sunlight
  125. the colors in a supernova
  126. music by fiona apple
  127. beautiful old bookstores with genuine cloth/leather-covered books that smell of time
  128. Edward Gorey’s darkly hysterical masterpeices.
  129. blackcigarettes on livejournal
  130. big puffy headphones that surround you in music and make you feel isolated from the world
  131. gorgeous, lacy lingerie, intricate & sensual; or silky nightie, or long sexy stockings and garters.
  132. in the hot, bright sunlight, just soaking it up on grass lawns; like a hippie
  133. cassie from the movie Push
  134. cassie from Skins
  135. kate nash songs
  136. hanging out at the mall all day long, sitting & people watching, drinking tea in a Barnes & Nobles, writing feverishly in your notebook, hanging in the food court and watching everyone eat, thinking how disgusting it looks. go try on clothes and see how skinny you can get, take pics in the dressing rooms. see how many laps you can walk around (bring a pedometer); etc.
  137. cool sunglasses (esp. funny shape or lolita)
  138. stretched out, catlike, on the bed, reading graphic novels in a tank & panties
  139. Sephora’s
  140. annie hall/ last tango/ bardot as a boy: petulant blossoming beauty trying to hide; tomboyish french beauty
  141. an amazing, luxurious marble bath with French bath salts & Lush products, relaxing with a bath and a book and some music.
  142. certain quotes
  143. song: story of a girl (a favorite from middleschool!)
  144. bubbly, sweet-bitter champagne
  145. gothic lolita-style fashion
  146. songs by Maria Mena
  147. spending all day long at Half-Price books with a tea & concentration, lost in words.
  148. Cat Stevens
  149. sharpies
  150. rainbow sharpies!!!
  151. a lucky sock monkey
  152. the babydoll dresses look with long-lean legs and knee-high socks
  153. long, smooth full hair whipping around in the wind
  154. song: Breakaway by Kelly Clarkson
  155. japanese geishas; the hair ornaments, the kimonos, the solitude, etc.
  156. peacock feather; iridescent, delicate hummingbird
  157. comfortably numb by pink floyd
  158. mad mad world
  159. across the universe (fiona apple)
  160. having that perfect singing voice, a voice of JA or Janis Joplin but also some Fiona Apple and Judy Garland, but mostly the power to make EVERYBODY stop where they are and listen.
  161. lights reflecting off the water at nighttime
  162. having everybody love you and need you so much but indifferent to them, as though you’re living on another planet; fickle, keep them competing. have affairs & break hearts, have fun & be fashionably outrageous, have not a thought for society.
  163. Breathe Me by Sia
    older buildings; part decayed
  164. Alice in Wonderland
  165. botanical gardens; walking through acres of wild beauty in an exquisite dress, like an heiress from the 1930s or French nobility before the Revolution. culture, natural beauty, the finer things in this life. exquisitely beautiful; certainly not a prole.
  166. imagine finally being fluent in French, smoking casually & attending Sorbonne for fun to learn art while also filming a movie there with Scorcese
  167. book: the great gatsby
  168. book: wuthering heights
  169. book: chainless soul.
  170. book: lolita
  171. feeling empty and drained after a performance; having connected with EVERYBODY
  172. gritting your teeth as the tattoo artist etches a permanent story into your skin. your friends support you and wince and talk in the background, but only you know that the tattoo is a reward for reaching your ultimate goal weight.
  173. the sting of injecting vitamin B-12 into the body
  174. energy drinks & adderall mixed, nos & redbull & diet mountain dew
  175. staying up late, practically in a trance you’re so focused on the project at hand; going without sleep.
  176. the French language: size two, chic, spohisticate; imagine doing French cinema, strolling through Paris like a native.
  177. a beautiful cameo brooch, antique & perfect
  178. books by Anne Rice
  179. joyous, dancing River Tam
  180. knowing that you’re the best in your field, the greatest actress who holds nothing back and has it all; status, success, respect, and talent. beauty. fame. money. everything. and you’re just going to keep on going; tasteless, invisible ambition flooding your senses, making you high. on the top of your game. you won’t turn back now.
  181. the German language: sexy like Heidi Klum, fashionable; flawless in your tongue-twister-esque pronunciations. beating Shiney at her own second language!
  182. to know the secret rush, the thrill, the freedom of getting away with things and not being caught; taking food to chew & spit in the restrooms and your friends don’t notice, going onto your sixth day of water fasting and no one even mentions you haven’t eaten, etc.
  183. walking in every morning holding car keys & a ceramic coffee cup, looks like expensive but actually full of unsweetened lack tea to stimulate the metabolism.
  184. Hayao Miyazaki movies: Spirited Away, Howl’s Moving Castle, etc.
  185. lifestyle like Max in the book The Namesake
  186. edie sedgwick
  187. beautiful-crazy-sexy-suicidal; holly golightley, brigitte bardot, lux, lolita, edie. a succulent, daredevil goddess; you can take me home but I will never be your girl.
  188. music: Liz Phair
  189. smashing plates because she wants to smash plates, taking a shot of vodka and feeling the shatter in her bones, a fierce fight with a lover turns into vicious sex on shattering porcelain.
  190. movie: Harold and Maude
  191. song: Tiny Dancer by Elton John
  192. music: After Hours by the Velvet Underground
  193. special tea where the dried flower unfurls when hot water is added
  194. teas that are black & sugarless, chai teas, herbal teas, revenge teas like Iron Goddess of Mercy, colorful foreign & nouveau labels, etc.
  195. loves beverages like piping hot black coffee for breakfast, constantly sipping very subtle teas, occasionally a tiny cappuccino. then practically mainlining liquor, shots of the finest Russian vodka and tequila til her eyes burn. shimmery champagne and whole strawberries at 3AM (which she promptly chews up and spits out later). sweet, luscious fruit juices dribbles over a lover’s fair skin, painstakingly consuming every last drop of nectar with a coy grin.
  196. music: Shakira: Don’t Bother; Underbeath Your Clothes
  197. starring in a movie, drinking only liquids. bottled Naked juices, many sips of a tiny cappucino, chugging crystal light, Iron Goddess of Mercy tea as an ironic reminder that you are stronger than she. tart cranberry juice as a diuretic so you don’t get bloated; looking gorgeous on camera, cheekbones sharp & figure perfect. not an ounce out of place, mind totally sharp.
  198. she just seems really close with everyone; it’s almost an instant thing, she’s kittenish and effervescent, completely charming and irresistible especially when she needs to be; warm and peaceful anchored in the astral lands but also sometimes the energy runs wild in her veins
    she just completely needs to be adored by everyone
  199. book: Coraline
  200. movie: Coraline
  201. movie: Thirteen
  202. Amanda Palmer
  203. Keep notebook of quotes. (a la Wasted)
  204. Buy fresh flowers; a beautiful rose an exquisite Rose!
  205. fiercely dry-brushing body
  206. dead deer on the roadside
  207. burning candles; watching the flame, smelling it, meditating/day dreaming, listening to music, etc.
  208. melting candle wax on skin
  209. memorization of poetry (Emily Dickinson)
  210. movie: Gia
  211. Joanna Newsom
  212. tv show: ANTM
  213. tv show: Make Me a Supermodel
  214. tv show: Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency
  215. song: Dream a Little Dream of Me


I agree with you on the wanting to be this other person, thats so mesmerizing and yet dangerous and self destructive and vulnerable. It’s so hard to describe, but i know what you mean. And i spend hours sometimes just imagining their life and wishing i could be that person. And yet its pathetic because i just cant, because i’m too shy and not confident enough, and not amazing. and i cant change that about myself and i hate it.
now that i write this it makes it quite clear how the ED thing fits in with me.



{February 14, 2010}   ACTUAL thinspo

Pic-spam featuring healthy-skinny girls under the cut

z118621419.png peace..love..skinny image by Prfynestgirl

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{February 14, 2010}   reverse thinspo time!!!

Under the cut is some REALLY graphic reverse thinspo. REALLY graphic. DO NOT CLICK WHILE AT SCHOOL. NSFW.

https://i2.wp.com/www.joe-ks.com/archives_jun2003/Coupon.jpg

(Do you want to become like these? If not, then fasting holds the keys.)

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{February 13, 2010}   tough love approach to fatties

Think Yourself Thin article criticizes fat people’s “middle class mind set”, says “overweight people are living in an alternate reality”.

(more after the cut)

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{February 13, 2010}   Protected: ana bracelet idea :)

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{February 12, 2010}   my creative writings ~ triggering

what do we say when they say we can’t do it?
we say, “Fuck YOU, Bitch!”
what do we say when we’re halfway through it?
we say, “Fuck YOU, BITCH!”
what do we do when we’re too weak to starve
we say, “FUCK YOU, BITCH!”
what do we do when we’re when we’re thin and not large,
we say, “Take THAT, Bitch!”

what do we do when she’s says she’s gotten thinner
we keep playin’ games and we show her who’s the winner
she can say all the wants about needing new jeans
because we know in the end she’s not as sick as she seems!

 
STOP. DON’T reach for those chips, FATASS. DON’T stretch out your stomach even more.
you see those two things hanging off your chest like jiggly dead lumps of flesh
that’s ALL those are- thick, dead, FAT suspended from some strips of cloth that aren’t even big enough to fit your mammaries.
those are NOT sexy.
those are the type of boobs that will be hanging down to your belly button a few years from now.
do you think somebody wants to hug you when they can’t get their fucking ARMS around you?!
do you think you’ll be able to wave your hand in the air without your “wings” flapping majestically in the breeze?!

do you EVER want to be able to flaunt your stuff in front of a bunch of stupid guys at the pool?
do you EVER want to be able to beat Shiney at her own stupid game?
you can lose all the weight you WANT and without solid, physical proof of it-
(ie, people getting concerned, or, I dunno, maybe people even fucking noticing,)
you’re not getting ANYWHERE.

don’t you want to be like that girl on set whose director, whose producer, whose stylist, whose whatever is freaking out over if she ate enough?
don’t you want to look good to a camera at any angle, not have to pose a certain way in the right lighting with your head down at a slant?
(the camera tells the truth, y’know. if you think it was “just a bad shot” or the angle or your expression or something, you’re wrong. it’s what everyone else sees you as.)
don’t you want to be like elle mcphearson, the mother two at age 45 who still looks like a freaking college student?!
she makes all the other soccer moms jealous.
don’t you want to make all the other soccer moms at your school jealous?
you could have the body for it, y’know- if you tried hard enough.
naturally tall and curved, but just enough, not too much-
just carve away at the excess fat there and you could be QUITE a hottie.
no longer one of those “ooh, hot library gi- oh no wait, it’s just stand proud” chicks.
a HAW-TEE.
you could wear skinny jeans.
you could be a size fucking zero and still have tits. (your one blessing!)
you could be the american dream.

all you have to do is staple your fucking mouth SHUT for a minute and listen to me.
when have I ever steered you wrong?
you think I can’t give all this shit to you- a longer life span, a hotter physique, better clothes, a dancer’s body, some boys who can maybe stand to look at you without gagging?
I can, and it’s all very simple.
All you have to do is-

STOP shoving food into your mouth whenever you feel bored or upset or procrastinate or something.
STOP taking it out on the people around you and START channeling your ambition towards something GOOD for you!
STOP taking second place to Shiney at everything and get some fucking SELF-RESPECT!
so just step away from the tortilla chips, try NOT to eat 2 bowls of ice cream when I’m not looking,
And,
whatever you do,
DON’T think that tomorrow is a fresh slate.
because the calories you ate last night will STILL be there tomorrow morning.
they will STILL be clinging to your cheeks, your face, your stupid fucking hips, and ESPECIALLY
your
breasts.

so DON’T tell yourself it’ll be better by tomorrow.
because it WON’T.
you need to realize that what you ate three years ago is still on your thighs.
that binge on half a loaf of toast with jam after kayla kicked you off the lunch table?
yeah, still clinging to the back of your arms.
all those smuckers patties and chocolate malt milk you chugged furtively in the library during lunch when no one would let you sit with them?
all over your face.
those 3 and a half bowls of ice cream after you got so upset that you binged again?
that’s still padding on your fucking ASS, isn’t it, you imbecile!

maybe there’s a reason Rach calls you the human garbage disposal.
maybe there’s a reason ____
maybe you should STOP EATING when you’re FULL!
maybe even before you’re full.
maybe then we could finally GET SOMEWHERE!!!

 

 

 
don’t you want to dance, truly dance, for the first time in your life?
do you even remember what it’s like to take a shower without support?
when was the last time you turned down food, huh?
I mean, truly. Did you want that food? That cake, that chocolate, those fries, that utter SHIT that happened to be lying around the kitchen during your perpetual weak moment?
Well now you can dance, and you can swim, and you can take a shower and you might even skinny-dip with my help.
You can even turn down food for the first time in your pathetic life- you can even turn it down without wanting it!

I can cure you of this illness you have, this addiction to food that is destroying your life.
Don’t tell me that you don’t look in the mirror every day and feel a little bit disgusted at what you are?
Don’t tell me it doesn’t bother you every time you can’t get a pose right in yoga class because you can’t fucking move properly?
Aren’t you sick of the boob jokes, the porn star jokes, the way everyone assumes that a woman with your tits must be Drew’s mother rather than his 2-years-older sister?!
Don’t you want to change?

How did it feel to look at Rosie from the ACLU and see her rockin’ that black halter top?
That same halter top that hangs in your closet and you can never wear again-
partly because you probably stretched it out, partly because when you wore it all your friends either shielded their eyes or said it was “blinding”.
Wow.
You almost turned a bunch of lesbians straight.
Billy Graham would be proud.
But I doubt that Hollywood would, and I doubt that J would, and I doubt anybody else would either.
And I doubt that Rita Hayworth or Marilyn Monroe or Ingrid Bergman or that anybody else worthwhile would’ve gotten this reaction either-
(And they’re all fucking dead!!!)
AND they’re still better than you.
So, wow, you really suck, huh?
But if someday you can get to the point with your body that you can actually fit into that halter top without sucking in your stomach or your boobs spilling out,
If maybe you can actually wear that top in public without getting arrested for indecency,
if maybe, just maybe, you can scrounge what little willpower you have left and succeed to the point that your life doesn’t seem so hopeless,
then maybe you’re not a total waste after all.
maybe.

Shiney:
make her jealous of you; 5′ 10″ in size zero skinny jeans
now you’re the one posting on Rach’s wall that you’ve “….shrunk”.
swishy hair and high-high-heels, you won’t make the same mistakes as her-
you’ll never be that stupid “hot girl’s ugly, easy friend” who they used and ridiculed, like she was, so unknowingly.
you’ll never try too hard like she did, her stupid mousy, squeaky teapot voice straining to please as her glitter boobs dangled and her fuck-me heels clacked.
you are not the teacher’s pet; you are merely there to collect your inheritance, the queen bee throne that is rightfully yours. you do not have to work so hard.
you used to beg her to make you social; now you’ll be the one with the friends and she’ll be the one on the outside.
won’t it just kill her that while she’s losing all this imaginary weight, you’re shedding that fatty cocoon and emerging a sleek, sexy butterfly?
[[[[[imagine people commenting on your newly slim physique as she loudly insists that her vitamin water has calories!
imagine that empty feeling in the pit of her stomach as she realizes that no one is listening; that Mr. Co-Dependnet is assuring you that you look sexy but how many days have you been fasting anyways, I thought you’d stop at 10, and you just laugh and flip your hair and say something about how don’t worry, I’m only doing this fast for spiritual reasons. Just trying to achieve enlightenment.
and everyone looks at you in your newly thin body and the way your legs go so-so-so-so long in that miniskirt, how sexy you are in that edgy urban fashion, and suddenly you have your pick of the seniors, and then the shape up teacher is concerned and call you in to talk about your measurements- “dropping from 145 to 110 pounds in 2 months really isn’t healthy, Rose”- and that bitch is practically sick with how much you succeeded at what she always failed at.
///it becomes almost an urban legend how no one’s seen you eat in a year- but any guy at school who’s seen you would get into a fistfight to defend your honor, so people really only whisper.
Shiney begins to stalkerishly check your facebook profile and glare at pictures of you, perfectly proportioned in a bardot bikini. ]]]]]]
won’t it just kill her that not only
[[[[[
anything is possible with ana. no possibility left un-considered.
the star of the school musical, the school play, both the school plays,
a model and the only one at your school to get cast in an indie film, that gets distribution, that catapults you to stardom…?
your GPA magically turned around (ha, ha!) and your life on-track to a scholarship.
and where is she? waitressing with aunt flo up north? still ever-hovering as nick’s pathetic groupie?
-freedom in your cage;
“it’s like living in a bouncy castle!”
-spend hours doing plies and stretches and just dancing all those aches away- {except}
but it’s hard to achieve a dream when you can’t even show up to the audition without looking like an elephant, isn’t it?
gazelles leap. elephants go thud and squash people.
oh sure, an elephant can occasionally balance on a giant ball without falling over,
and maybe once or twice at the circus their clumsy, bastardized version of grace has captured the attention of children for a moment or two.
but is that all you wanna be?
just some elephant in a balancing act that maybe looks decent, occasionally?!
No. You were born for something better than that.
And that’s why I’m here-
because with my help, you WILL dance.
with my help, you WON’T go thud when you hit the floor.
with my help, you can achieve a passable human shape after all.
-desexualized, media, etc. like eve hewson, 27 club; just feeling safe, prepubescent, jutting hipbones and birdlike bones with long, graceful arms and legs that go on forever.
“I never got my chance to be a/ play at Lolita; I skipped straight to being mistaken for a 35 year old mother of 2 rather than a 15-year-old nymphet. No wonder I was so pissed off.”
flowing hair, long body, no back aches, no sucking things in. (Here Comes the Sun)
not afraid of your face when you meet people anymore.



OK, so today Shiney decided to wear absolutely HIDEOUS face makeup again, the way she used to; it’s all sort of vines and little flowers and stuff, and tacky Egyptian looking scrawls around the eyes, like in a heiroglyph. I think it was eyepencil rather than liquid eyeliner. When I asked her if it was supposed to be flowers, she just said “I don’t know –  I just scribbled all over my face! They’re just scribbles.” Like she was some genius or something. She looks so dumb. I can’t help but wonder if my exercise facebook status and my Wasted book really was taken as a challenge…

More funny Shiney news: she apparently was going to give the guy’s friend $25 if he went to prom with her as a friend, and $50 if it turned into something more. And she’d texted Rach to say that she would “put out” on a first date. Shaggy not only found out, but he still wouldn’t go out with her!! XD Plus, Twin Red was complaining today about how she always comes over to talk to Mr. Co-dependent when he doesn’t even like her; no one at our table likes her! (I still get a kick out of how freaked he is that she’s always soclosetohim.)

Yet another Shiney update: she’s been doing the disordered eating thing since 2 years ago, but while she was dating her Ex it wasn’t as bad. Since he dumped her, though, things have gotten worse again. She still does the dumbass goldfish crackers diet, she’s still taking Concerta (which is like Adderall), and she might even still be doing S.I. or something for all I know. That explains why she wore the stupid makeup today… It’s funny though, that I was just looking over a list a few days ago of the things I would want to make her do to herself – the eyeliner scribbles was one of them. Another thing was that her BF would post ugly scanty photos of her online- and it happened from her cell “by accident”. That’s so weird… I need to re-baptize my “spirit” and see if I can’t get it working for me. Tonight.

I haven’t told anyone at school about the audition. I updated my LJ blog and told my little brother, but that’s all. I don’t want to jinx it, and it’ll be a surprise if I DO get the part, after all! 🙂 I just don’t know what else I’ll talk about in the mean time… (EDIT: I told Rach, but  I truly had a good feeling about it. Not Xang, though… she was pretty nuetral today.)

My legs are super-ultra-sore, although when I showed my brother the muscle definition he literally said “wow”. I really need to start training something else… I will move the table today to do callanetics. My abs need work. AND I haven’t exactly lost weight lately – my problem is that I keep bingeing afterschool. This NEEDS to be remedied, ASAP. My biggest weakness is definitely cereal with yogurt followed by salty goldfish crackers…. What can I do? I should eat more protein afterschool, like eggs and turkey or something. Spend less time in the kitchen, I guess… More time at the local college. More time collaging there. All I know is that I NEED to get to 120 lb (same weight as my little bro, BTW!), and it needs to show on a scale and in real life. My jeans need to be slipping off my hips. I need to do weight training on my pudgy arms, too…

Collage idea for Shiney collage (since she is a major trigger, after all):

  • “legalized speed” pics and quote
  • an (unused!) hello kitty bandaid
  • photocopied version of the breakup note, key parts cut out and pasted
  • random facebook statuses from her
  • really bad pic of her with the eyes crossed out
  • vitamin water pic
  • little mermaid pic (from Disney catalogue?)
  • quote from her facebook: “This is me at my lowest weight, which I saw for one day and never again…”
  • a gold star sticker! XD
  • pics of goldfish crackers (from coupon?)
  • Rocky Rococo’s pizza (from coupon?)

 

Another trigger idea: red bracelet (ask Xang to make one for me so she doesn’t gwet suspicious); there’ll be a double-edged trigger there. 1) A reminder that everytime I reach for food and see the bracelet, I don’t want any, and 2) Xang made it for me, and Xang doesn’t think I have a real disorder. She thinks I’m “trying to get to where she was before so [they’ll] have to have a lunuch table intervention”.

I should also make additional recordings from Wasted, Chainless Soul, reasons to be thin, Shiney’s facebook statuses, ana mantras, visualizations,  etc. and download to my ipod.

I originally had thought of writing triggers on myself with marker, but maybe henna is a better idea, since it’s natural! It’s something I know that Xang used to do, all over herself- her stomach and her legs, etc. I should circle the parts I need to work on (that can be hidden by clothes) and write a mantra/etc on every different area. I can put goals, quotes, etc. On my wrist I can write the number I want to be: 120. 30 pounds away. (Unless I’m over 150 already!)

I just printed out a really thick packet of stuff from my blog that I can record and download to my ipod as triggers. Porbably more than 25 pages!



{February 10, 2010}   excepts from Wasted, Part I

“I made a pact with a tall, thin girl who offered to help me lose weight. When I got to Interlochen, I was at something close to my ‘set point’, the technical term for your natural weight- mine is about 120. But 120 seemed too high, and I decided to drop that extraneous 20, down to 100 with the dancers and starving artists, and I’d been going around blathering about how I was on a diet. This girl came into my room at night, talked to me about what to eat, encouraged me in a most patronizing tone, and told me about how much better I was looking. And then, one night, I ‘slipped’. There were sundaes in the cafeteria that night. The girls had been talking about it all day – the future virtuosos of the world, the cream of the crop, la di da, had been discussing all day in hushed voices whether we’d break down and eat a sundae. couldn’t we just be strong and just eat the toppings, no ice cream? that would have less fat, wouldn’t it? what if we didn’t eat all day, and all the next day, then would it be okay? bless me father for i have sinned i ate an ice cream sundae. I went to the cafeteria, put together a sundae, and sat with the other girls. We laughed – for once we had enough sugar in our systems, for once we were eating regular food like any other teenage kid – until Ms. Diet Police came up from behind me, leaned over, took my sundae, walked to the trash can, and dropped it in.

“The furious little kid in me got good and pissed. I shoved my chair back and ran after my disappearing sundae. This girl turned around and I hit her. Whatthehell? she yelled, wide-eyed. Marya, I’m just trying to help you, you said you wanted help losing weight and here you are pigging out on ice cream! Near tears, I left, feeling like a compelte fool. What is my problem? I thought, heading back to my dorm. Am I such a cow that I can’t live without a fucking sundae? No self-control, none. Pig.

Sometimes you break down. The body and soul protest deprivation. We broke down from time to time, ordered pizza or subs, sat in the main room of the dorm in front of the television, eating. Sometimes I threw up, sometimes I didn’t. There was this weird, unspoken agreement: if we eat together, it’s okay, we’ve all got permission to eat. Those were good moments, when the part of us that wanted to be normal and healthy and loved food like anyone else broke through, and we sat giggling on the floor, munching away. Those moments became, for me, too few and far between. Marya, do you want to order a pizza? No thanks, I already ate. I’d disappear into my room to work. Sometimes I’d come out, sit with friends, eat the spare crust.

Of course I didn’t know then that I had all the obvious signs of an eating disorder: strange combinations of food, eating other people’s leftovers, skipping meals. Part of the reason I didn’t notice was because what I was doing was hardly unique. One day, late fall, standing in the main room after classes, a girl was eating a bag of microwave popcorn and offered me some. I took a handful without thinking and popped it in my mouth. Midchew, I asked to see the bag. I read the nutritional information and spit the popcorn into a trash can. She said, Marya, that’s like really weird. I said, it’s not weird, that popcorn is fucking full of fat. Another girl, sitting on the couch, concurred. I’d spit it out too, she said. The popcorn girl said, that’s bulimic. I said the hell it is! I ought to know, I used to be bulimic, and spitting out food it not it. She shrugged. Looks bulimic to me, she said.

“I distinctly did not want to be seen as a bulimic. I wanted to be an anoretic. I was on a mission to be another sort of person, a person whose passions were ascetic rather than hedonistic, who would Make It, whose drive and ambitions were focused and pure, whose body came second, always, to her mind and her “art”. I had no patience for my body. I wanted it to go away so that I could just be a pure mind, a walking brain, admired and acclaimed for my incredible self-control. Bulimia simply did not fit into my image of what I would become. Still, I was bulimic and had been for seven years. It is no easy addiction to overcome. But my focus had changed.”

page 106-107-top of 108

~

LATER ON, TAKE IT FROM THE TOP OF THE PAGE

“Early on in the year, I’d decided to lose 20 pounds. Most of us had, having heard those obnoxious warnings about the ‘freshman fifteen” that people say girls add when get to college. We figured the same would apply to us. It seemed to be a rite of passage beyond our control, fifteen pounds magically landing on the butt, an event that one needed to vigilantly guard against. In my dorm hallway lived several dancers, a violinist, a voice major, a harp major, Lora and I. I’d become friends early on with the voice and harp majors, who were roommates. We were in agreement that we all wanted to lose weight and swore on pain of death to help eachother do that, while insisting that the other two didn’t really need to lose weight. We talked about food and weight nonstop, about how much we wanted to lose, asked each other: Do I look like gained weight? Lost weight? Does my butt look big in this skirt, in these jeans, when I stand like this? Does my stomach stick out, do my thighs jiggle? The two of them had a little refrigerator in their room containing Chrystal Light, small tins of tuna (“It’s a great lunch,” one of them said to me. “There’s only sixty calories in it and you’re totally full.”), bags of trail mix, yogurt. We took the Saturday bus into town, to Meijer’s, one of those superstores, and bought bags of food in bulk: banana chips, sugar-free candies, raisins and popcorn and stood in the diet aids aisle, surveying the goods. Debating the merits of Dexatrim versus Fiberall. We’d wonder how long a person could go drinking just Chrystal Light.

You cannot trick your body. Your body, strange as it seems to we who are saturated with a doctrine of dualism, is actually attached to your brain. There is a very simple, inevitable thing that happens to a person who is dieting: When you are not eating enough, your thinking process changes. You begin to be obsessed with food. They’ve done study after study on this and we still believe if we cut back fat, sugar, calorie intake, we’ll drop weight just like that and everything will be the same, only thinner. Nothing tastes the same. You want to talk about food all the time. You want to discuss tastes: What does that taste like? you ask eachother as you devour your bizarre meals. Salty? Sweet? Are you full? You want to taste something all the time. You chew gum, you eat roll after roll of sugar-free Certs, you crunch Tic-Tacs (just one and a half calories each!). You want things to taste intense. All normal approach to food is lost _____________

pg 104 – 105

pg 113 : sugar freak



{February 10, 2010}   attention whore evidence!

Beneath this cut are the demented ramblings of a very Shiney wannarexic. They’re funny, frustrating, but above all? …Triggering.

(as you read these, remember: you can get what she wanted most by being who she wasn’t able to be.)

(the best revenge is living well.)

Read the rest of this entry »



et cetera