confession.

For the record, I am aware that I have begun to write obsessively about Shiney. Partly cuz I’m on adderall and I should be doing my homework, partly because thinking about the rest of my life makes me feel like having a panic attack, and partly because of the party yesterday and the undeniable feeling that I have lost a battle. (I still feel I may win the war, though…)

But it is also because I have no closure there. I have never been able to talk to a shrink who has made me feel better about the situation; I have never actually sat and written down these things in detail. The closest I got was a list, which I occasionally add to anyways. Each number is only one sentence. Lately I feel I have become more and more aware of my own faults, and my own future, which is heading towards me far too quickly. I need to choose a college; I need to be able to get into a college; I need to do theatre and movies, but I need to be realistic. (The economy is bad. Can I get a job?) I need dad out of my life. I need Shiney out of my life. I need my chords of attachment cut. I need to be able to breathe. I keep thinking of what will happen when mom dies- what will happen when I die? This is when I should take my anxiety pill, I know, but I should be in bed by now anyways. The letters as I write seem to be getting bigger and bigger. I love my brother so much. We watched Fievel today and I was afraid I would cry but I didn’t. I held onto his arm the whole time.

I probably just wrote 10 pages about a girl I hate, and nothing for school. (My brother in the background says “Well, it’s good to be passionate about something!” I love him so much. 😛 )

Will the crossroads rite work? If it does, that’s a huge load off my mind. If it…. It will. It has to. I trust Cat. I talked to her over the phone and she was amazing. The most talented reader, like a goddess, and a true professional. She made me cry, her truth was so deep. The only question really left is if I will have the rite done in time for a year of working before college. Over the summer? As soon as possible. It guarantees success and fame. What more could I want? All I have to do is to wait for dad to be gone.

How long will that take and how long til I’m free? Next month? By April? By summer? As soon as I’m free, I’ll have funds for the Crossroads. And then I can leave, and have my chords of attachment cut, and soar away from the mucky mire of what I used to be, what I am right now. I can be talented and famous and wonderful, with charisma and true friends and a boyfriend who loves me. I can have success, I can have fame, I can have it all. I can be remembered. I can live forever.

I can live right now.